so there's a little group of kids playing outside my door. causing quite a rukus, running up and down the stairs - quite clearly having a good time. i've just been ignoring them, but then i heard one of the little 5 year olds start singing at the top of her lungs:

"vacation all i ever wanted..."

hehe.
made me giggle.

i am not in a good mood.

combo of the lack of sleep and the alcohol made me cranky as fuck, and then the ride home listening to #40 didn't help either.

so it's 11:15 on a saturday night, and i think i'm going to bed.

ok. i had a highly eventful night last night. didn't get home til 2:30, and then i've been having a lot of trouble getting to/staying asleep.

i was just woken up by a call from alaskan airlines. they've cut back service and the flight i was supposed to take on friday has been cancled, and i've been moved to a later flight.

granted, it's only like 6 hours later, but i'm still annoyed.

i guess i should stop that. heh. but 6 hours later is 6 hours later! 6 more hours that ihave to spend here being spastic!

aaaaaaaaah well.

going sake bombing tonight...that should be highly entertaining.

ahem.
ONE WEEK. :)

i need to do some lyric quoting today. i'm stuck in a total gorge hole(very good place to be),and...well...i just feel like quoting, dammit!!

heh. when they first played fool to think, the ladies had no clue how to dance to it. by gorge...they'd totally figured it out.

just a random aside for you there.

look at me dreaming of you
all i could hope is to have you
to have you walk in with me
i feel so in love we two
almost drunkenly
i did enbible this
fantasy of you on me

was i fool to think
the way you looked at me...
i swear you did
but you looked away too quick
was i a fool
was i a fool to think
that you would take me home
as if i was yours
was i a fool to think at all

i've grown tired of love
you are the trouble with me
i watch you walk right by
i smile, you do not notice me
treat me recklessly
all you do is toss me pennies
but the silence in me is screaming won't you come and get me

was i a fool to think
the way you looked at me
i swear you did
but you looked away too quick
was i a fool
was i a fool to think
that you would take me home as if i was yours
was i a fool to think at all

you make a mess of me
i'd dance a thousand steps for you
and if you say yes to me
i'll be whatever gets you through

was i a fool
was i a fool to think
am i a fool
am i a fool for you


damn, that song gives me the chills. BIG time. so good. soooooooooooooooooooo good.

bling bling!

i really don't know that i'd fuck it up if i had it all.
hm.
let's ponder that.

if i had it all
i could take anything
if i had no greed to pay
only the poison that's tainting the clean...

sometimes i feel lost
as i pull you out like strings of memories
wish i could weave them into you
then i could figure the whole damned puzzle out
then again...

huffy is in the process of explaining to me how he avoids wet farts by guaging the temperatures of preceeding farts - the warmer the fart,the more danger you're in.

so enlightening.

i found this to be pretty powerful. from The Afghan Daily.

But in a new sign of opposition to the Government's stance, six prominent Islamic scholars in Peshawar issued a fatwa or decree yesterday, saying a holy war was the duty of every Muslim if the US attacked Afghanistan.

"Anybody who dies in the war on the American side will not go to heaven," the ruling said. "But any Muslim who dies on the side of Afghanistan will die as a martyr and go to paradise."

that's some powerful stuff. especially because these people DO believe in their religion, and why even risk not going to heaven?

an email my mom sent out to all the family members(thing has become typical with regards to my brother, it's how she keeps her brothers and sisters informed...):

(my brother moved out of the half way house type thing he was in, back in with my mom, then moved in with a guy he met in the appartment complex he had been in - really cool guy. seems really grounded...)


subject: daniel

finally talked to his case worker today[she's been trying to get ahold of his case worker for a few weeks now. so glad it takes this long...]. She said they haven't seen
Daniel in a few weeks, but he had called a few times. She said she needed
to get ahold of him because she needed to give him a new prescription. I
told her that his script had run out on the 15th and I was surprized they
were just getting around to figuring it out. I told her that their outreach
person obviously wasn't doing his job if he wasn't even aware that the meds
were supposed to be gone by now.
She told me she also felt the outreach person wasn't doing a very good job
and was going to "check into it"[daniel was living with my mom for about 2 weeks. the case worker that was supposed to come every morning came once.]. Also, she said that she's probably going
to revoke Daniel's court order and have him put back in the hospital. I
suggested that she not tell Daniel as he would start playing his cat and
mouse game again and they wouldn't be able to find him. She said she had
been calling Daniel, but he wasn't answering his cell phone. I asked her
why she hadn't called the apartment number and she said she didn't have it.
I explained I had given it to her replacement while she was on vacation and
obviously she hadn't given it to her.
She said she would try to go and see him the first part of next week.

Just more typical crap.
I'll let you know when he gets picked-up.

Love,
Susan

it's the saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame thing every single time. the same cycle over and over again. in the hospital, out, takes medication for a short time, stops taking it, stops going to his counseling meetings, back in the hospital, out, takes medication for a short time...

this is like the 4th time he'll have been put back in the hospital in the past 9 months. and it's not like he gets treatment there. it takes them most of his visit to transfer his files, then the new doctors have to figure out his condition, then he just gets pissed off and sits around in some crap ass county hospital where conditions are miserable, then he gets out, then he does well for a few weeks, then he deteriorates, then back into the hospital...

for the love of god.

wrote my paper.

and then i put on one of the gorge shows that i just received today.

oh my.

soooooo good.

(you'll be sure to hear more on this topic when i listen to the rest of the shows this weekend.)

maggie and don and i were sitting in my living room sunday night, and i was filling maggie in on a situation involving a friend of mine's girlfriend who is having issues with me. i scare her. or my relationship with said guy scares her. whatever.

and maggie had the perfect response. she looked at don and said, "right. because amanda has never had to deal with that before. hey, manda, which one of your 101 methods of dealing with psycho girlfriends are you going to use this time?"

i just had to laugh. because it's so true. seeing as the majority of my good friends are guys, i've dealt with the girlfriend problem time and time again. there's the ones who initially flip over me, and then get to know me and realize i'm not a threat, and actually end up liking me quite a bit(i make a point of just getting along with my guy friend's girlfriends. it makes all of our lives much easier...whether i like the girl or not)...there's the ones who just can't deal with me at all and come up with all kinds of psycho reasons as to why the boy can't be friends with me anymore...and then there's the ones who pretend like they want to be best buds because they want to keep a close eye on me.

whatever the case, they all think they're smarter than me.

silly, silly girls.

i will take this chance to point out that it is "mEmento" not "mOmento."

excellent flick.

and now it's only 11 and i'm bored.

uh oh. watch out world, i have a job interview.

see, while i've been telling my mom that i've been sending resumes out, i really haven't. but i started to actually follow through yesterday. i sent out 3...via email...1 of which was returned. got a response to one today. sounds like my type of job. filing, copying, typing, and other random bullshit for an auditing firm. i'd pretty much get to make my own hours, and can even go in evenings and weekends if need be. i'd be working 12-20 hours a week, depending on demand(their busy season is sept - jan) and right now they're set to pay $8 an hour, but i can talk them up.

yeah, i gotta set up that interview tomorrow.

and not to jinx myself, but i've never not gotten any job i've interviewed for. i've turned plenty down, but i've never been on the rejection side. interviews are just an audition - and god knows i'm good at that.

so...i'm going to go make some pizza and watch "momento" and relish what may well be one of my last free tuesday nights.

heh.

because, you know, we all NEED free tuesday nights.

;P

yeah, that entry from oct 2000...wow. that was a year ago. and i really didn't think i was gonna make it through. that entry gave way to the darkest period of my life.

and at the risk of being tedious, i'm going to type up the entries that changed that period. because it's my blog, dammit.

12/13/00
ok...well...i'm going! i will be seeing the dmb on sunday night in philly. oh, how i need this. i'm so fucking psyched.

12/15/00
hmm. i leave tomorrow. well, just technically tomorrow as i haven't gone to bed yet... wow. what the hell am i doing? i am SO GLAD i chose to do this. maybe it'll give me a little perspective...a little distance...

12/21/00
ok. i need to start writing about "the trip." it was incredible. one of the best decisions i've ever made. i can't even get over it. it was amazing.

*edit a bunch of shit about the layover in cincy where there was a pretty good chance of the flight being cancled due to bad weather in DC. almost didn't get there*

so i waited outside the airport for matias for about half an hour, "adapting" to the cold, which really wasn't all that bad.

they pulled up and out hopped this smiling guy - matias. introduced myself to his friend adriann, and we were off!! i was instantly at ease. we talked about dmb all the way to the appartment - found out that adriann has been to more than 50 shows.

once eat the appartment, i was served a plate with pasta, shrimp and salad - rather tasty if you ask me. we sat around, drank wine, listened to dave, talked and laughed. it was fantastic. i already adored both of them. it was unreal. i called home to tell the boys that i was in absolute heaven.

i wish i could write down every single detail.

the next day, it was off to philly for the show. soon after we left, i asked if either of them had met the band. i was treated to magical stories from adriann about her encounters. stories that left me giddy.

throughout the day, i'd just break into a smile and say "oh my GOD i am so excited"

we got to philly and met up with joyce - a woman much older than us, ,and completely cool. the waiting began for me at this point. i was more than anxious. let's think about this: i usually do a countdown...and i found myself in philly with less than a week's notice, sitting with people who were...just...perfect. getting ready to go see my boys on the last night of the tour. it was almost overwhelming. but not quite.

went to get andy, who provided me with the ticket. brought him back to the bar where people had begun to congregate.

i looked at andy at one point and said something about the fact that eveeryone was happy and talking abou tdave...and we just laughed.

*edit everything about the concert itself.*

*edit more stuff*

so we spent the last few hours that i was there chatting about random things. "so do you want to go back?" "no." i wasn't expecting the weight of my return home to be baring down on me like it was. walking to the ticketing counter at the airport, there was a brief moment when i probably could have started crying.

it was amazing. GOD. i am so glad i chose to make that trip. the effect that it has had on my mindset is amazing. it's so improved - though that's truly an understatement. it showed me so much about myself AND i had an incredible time. the two just feed off of eachother. the music has done so much for me.

i feel so much better. i have things to look forward to. there are some amazing people to meet and tiems to be had. this music is such an aphrodisiac.

i'm just really disassociated from my problems. that isn't what i mean... i just...things went down, and shit happens, but i'm going to be ok. john really isn't in my life, still, but i tried. and if he doesn't reciprocate that that's all the better - i don't need people like that around. it's still slightly bittersweet, but i can breathe and i smile a lot more than i have in a long time. there are so many GOOD things in my life. wonderful people who bring a lot to my life - and the number is expanding. i learned a log from both john and rachel, and while i have moved rachel to the top of my "people i dislike above all else" list(a small list, mind you) i am able to just say "oh well" with john.

i love this music. i love the passion it awakens in me and the way it makes me feel abou tlife. the mindset it has helped me find. i love the people involved in the community. i love how it has helped me become a better person and how it has encouraged me to really FIND myself.

2/15/01
AMAZING. i have been in a perpetually good mood for weeks now...

the new cd was leaked, concert dates were announceed last week, the planing has begun...

i am so fucking excited it is unreal. going to cincinnati next weekend...i can't even believe that. i'm going to actually meet people who i interact with on a pretty much daily basis, and who i'll be spending time with this summer, creating memories that are sure to be some of the most significant of my life. i am anxious as hell. this is going to be a time of extreme personal growth. though...i really do see to go through that more than your average person. but very positive growth this time. this music and the community of people have done immeasurable things for my outlook. i am happier now thanany other time i can remember. there is so much to look forward to and so much life to be lived...so many people to meet, get to know and love and so much music to be heard.

--
back to present time...

wow. i really had no clue how true any of that would end up being.

that's all for now.

ok, as i said below, i'm typing up journal entries from years past.

yes, i'm bored. deal.

Sunday, Oct 5, 1997

i cannto(<--yeah, "cannto") believe i haven't written in here about this.

I TALKED TO JARED LETO FOR 50 MINUTES. I TALKED/COMVERSED/SHARED with JARED LETO.

so fuck me gently with a chainsaw, ok?

yes, i have the transcript printed out and saved.

it just rocked and made my life. all because i stayed home from school because i didn't feel like going.

so me and jared...

awe jeeze. more about that at a later date. yes, it was and is a monumental thing, but i've told so many people about it.

last night, meg came over here and we had 2 mickey's. meghan drunk is the funniest thing ever. john showed up. my purity level plummeted. meghan kept having to go pee, and the first time, john and i just kissed. once we moved to the bedroom(the 3 of us) things changed.

*edit edit edit* (i'm not going to make this a totally pornographic rendition of my teenage years)

the lights got turned off as the 3 of us layed there playing truth/dare/talking. meghan went to the bathroom so many times and john got so many quick hand jobs. the bathroom door opened and my hand would come flying out and he'd zip his pants back up. we kissed several times. and at one point, i was just trailing my hand beneath the elastic of his boxers. meghan was rambling with her back to us, so i went for it and started giving him another hand job right there. meghan was saying "john, why are your muscles spassming so much? stop twitching john." and i was laughing my ass off.

the two of us ended up in the jacuzzi and...well, i fucking went down on john. too funny. we actually talked about it afterwards too.

i'm tired.



Sunday, Sept 13, 1999
I'm at home and so incredibly tired, but i should really write. u oh. don't think that's gonna work.
i need an appartment.
no nick.
no patfick - who just BAH. unloaded everything on me. i was a total bitch and unresponsive. very not me, but what else can i do? i don't even know the guy, and i feel no connection.

later...

i'm so distracted with thoughts of friday night. little things that were said. remembering little touches, little physical things...i can't believe we sat there totally naked afterwards, facing eachother and talking. the grass was making him itch. i'd scratch his lefs.

we are such freaks!
i wonder...aw jeeze. i have the urge to tell colin but i really shouldn't.

october 10, 2000
i really wish i knew and understood what the hell is wrong with me and why i'm sobbing like i haven't in a really long time. and for once i really truly feel like breaking something.

i just want to leave. i really don't want to be here. it's my cheap ass way of getting out of things, but that's how i do it. i don't want to confrom the issues i'm having. i'm so fucking sick of being so severely hurt and confused and out and out heartsick over things that might easily be fixable.

I WANT A REAL FUCKING REASON TO FEEL LIKE THIS

i don't want to be close to anyone anymore. hasnt really gotten me anywhere this far in life. i see no need for it. i want to go live by myself, get through school, , and then move the fuck away from all this bullshit.

i don't trust anyone. no one even has a clue what goes on in my head - on a regular day let alone a day when i'm so fucking overcome that i can't even drive my ass to school. and i guess that's my fault. i allow myself to be this person who everyone loves to be around but is so easily replaceeable and forget. i don't ask shit from anyone. i guess that could be where the trouble is???

i don't want this to get bad again. i know that i have control over the situations in my life that are fucking me, but i'm so sick of taking control and getting "rid" of people in my life who have stopped...something.

and i can't find colin's #.

i don't know if i can deal with john being back. i had forgotten all the shit i already went through over our friendship. and i love him more than i can even express, but something in it just kills me. i don't even know that he'll be around one month from now(editor's note: he was not, in fact, around one month from this writing. the exact day that this whole breakdown happened(and it did end up being a complete breakdown) was the end of our friendship.)

i have never seen the world revolve so much around one person in all of my fucking life. i wish to hell that i could just disassociate myself.

this is all such bullshit. i don't even know what i'm writing about.

but at least i'm starting to feel numb again. i think a little more crying should solve my problems. though i don't understand what my problem is.

try something new.

reasons why my friendship with john mindfucks me every time:
here one minute, gone the next
doesn't give two shits bout me
he's one of my favorite people
drugs
doubt
i don't trust him - not to say he'll go blab my secrets, he just can't give me what i need in a friend
everyone fights for his attention - something i refuse to do
i know that by not fighting for his attention(aka - going to school, work, then doing homework) i give up my spot in his life.
his "crush" on rachel is going to cause a major wedge in the group
did i mention that rachel had a problem with me and jack's relationship? ha. yeah. nough said.

biggest reasonL i don't know. the mindfuck just happens and i can't help it. my thoughts don't make sense, i want to bash my head in and just start the fuck over again. somewhere else.

i can't wait for the day when there's someone who will drop everything at the sound of my tears. as hard as i push and as much as i fight it. because being alone is the worst feeling ever felt. a concept that should never have been created.

and no, ,i get to go on with my life as if all of this never happened.

ok ,i'm going to do something highly entertaining(to myself, at least.). i grabbed 3 random journals from my box, and i'm going to type entries from this date that year...

or around this date, at least.

Friday, September 23rd, 1994
i just got back from a party that was sort of fun and sort of not. about 20 people went. at first it was BORING. then we played twister and stuff. then we played spin the bottle. it was ok. UNTILL THE END. i kissed(on the cheek) every guy playing. i kissed every guy playing on the lips too. there wasn't really anyone good playing, except for colin and bob - amanda's boyfriend. on french kisses, everyone was cheating. so when i had to with alan(my worst nightmare who i don't even know) EVERYONE wanted to witness. usually, on french kisses, you only have a couple of witnesses. everyone was crowded around us while they were laughing. i told him that we should just cheat - he agreed. god. he really thrust his tongue into my mouth. i was so repulsed. i seriously thought i would throw up. ugh. i felt nasious so i quit the game. i wish i would've quit earlier. god. it was awful. yuck. now i know how annie felt with craig.

i DID NOT french him. it was totally the other way around. i can't even bare to think about it. my stupid period had to go and start, too.

i think i may actually sort of like someone. jon. he's a real sweetie. i'll have to see how the situation develops.

i was so happy! i got a 98% on my math test. math tests count for 75% of our grade so that's why i was so happy. i'm getting a 97.3 over all. we're going to see Phantom omorrow. YIPEEEE!!! i'm so excited about that. it's been about a year and a half since i've seen it. i'm really hyped.

well, i'm really tired. and disgusted. i think i'll go to sleep and see if i can forget it.

i need to develop some kind of self control when it comes to traveling.

or do i?

i'm such a confused young lass...

i actually sent some resumes out today! what a concept! it's been 6 months since my lay-off.

why the hell do they call it a lay-off? i mean, come on now, you're getting fired plain and simple.

she ran up into the light surprised
her arms are open
her minds eye is
seeing things from a better side than most can dream of
on a clearer road i feel
oh, you could say she's safe
whatever tears at her
whatever holds her down
and if nothing can be done
she'll make the best of what's around

i am just in a REALLY good mood right now.

i'm usually pretty right on when it comes to judging people's character. and when that judgement says the person really isn't my cup of tea, i like to give them the benefit of the doubt.

and it's highly amusing when i have evidence that everything i thought about the person was truer than i could have imagined.

freakin' insecure girls. i swear. there's such an abundance...

wow...

i'm absolutley...

overwhelmed.

but i'm gonna try to go to sleep anyway.

ugh.
dOOd.
people just...GAH.

who the hell can you trust these days?

and, no, i'm not talking about anything serious. i'm talking about DMB shite.

so i'm giving howie day's "australia" a try. it's so damned hard to switch from the live shit to the studio shit, ya know? but...i think this could grow on me. i mean, at least it's not causing the violent reactions that the mayer boy's "room for squares" did.

speaking of, i need to give that another try. my copy still hasn't even been opened. but it was on before night one of gorge, and i was digging it. granted, i was stoned, and about to embark on the journey to the venue, but...well, i should give johnny boy another try.

seeing as i'll be seeing him in two weeks.

(!!!)

i'm going to see tool.

it's about damned time.

we made a promise
to it all
eternity
trapped away for you to see
on your way you'll be
baffled by relationships,
psyched up for the major lift...

i can't believe i quoted a streisand song down there.

damn me..

i drink you up
for every drop of you is sacred
every drop, i drink you up
you fill my cup
the way you laugh
eyes of a child
lean on me
you fill me up
you make me love
so unconditionally generous to me you give me love
and break my heart
slip you fall, i pick you up and dust you off
you break my heart

rain
rain
rain down on me
again and again
rain down on me

take all you want
for what is mine is yours, no better use is there for what i've got
take all you want
and only hope can i you won't deny your love for me, my love

no don't cry, if it's too high i'll lift you up, we'll make it make
when i was oh so tired you come along to wake me wake me
time and time, again and again
with a smile you save me child

rain
rain
rain down on me
again and again
rain down on me

look
we play our cards
but i question by the grace of what we play our cards at all
come fill me up
oh fill me love
when i'm empty
when i'm all dried up

no don't cry
if it's too high
i'll life you up, we'll make it make it
when i was oh so tired
you come along to wake me wake me
time and time again and again
with a smile you save me child

rain
rain
rain down on me
again and again
rain down on me

and baby i remember all the things you taught me
i learned how to laugh and i learned how to cry
well i learned how to love i even learned how to lie
so you'd think i could learn how to tell you goodbye...

ok, i found this link at shaynuh's blog, and i also thought it was pretty damned interesting.

click here

i really really REALLY can't sleep.

this hasn't happened in so long...

i just can't seem to stop moving.

hm.

so last friday night, i met up with some friends at a bar where a local band was playing. all the band members went to highschool with christine, so they frequent the shows.

afterwards, i walked up and asked christine which one of them was single. yeah, i have a thing for boys in the band, but don't we all? the lead singer is hot as hell, and the bassist was pretty damned yummy. they were both taken, though. but anyway...she points to one of them and tells me he's single, and then insists on calling him over to meet me.

so what do i do?
well, she turned around to call him, and i said "oops, gotta go find a lighter" to the people in the group around me and walked off.

though, i guess it was closer to a run.

i'm such a fucking tool.

=)

stores in town averaging 1 call a minute asking about gasmasks - which are currently sold out across the nation.
stores running out of MRE's...meals ready to eat. water purifiers.

i really just don't know what to think about that!!!

so i could either go to spanish at 6 or watch bush's speech.

guess what i'm most likely to do?

anything to get out of spanish...

there's this "wall of expression" on the UA mall right now. people have written aaaaaaaaall kinds of things about the events of the past week. messages of love and compassion, and even a few sickening messages of extreme hate from christian fundamentalists who are saying that the tragedy was punishment for america's tolerance of gays and such.

however.

my favorite one, written in big, bold black lettering reads:

OSAMA BIN LADEN LIKES THE BACKSTREET BOYS

oh, wait, no.

and addendum to that last post.

amanda wants to fall OUT of love and then fall back in love again so she can direct it where it's wanted.

word.

here ye, here ye

amanda wants to fall in love

we now return to your regularly scheduled programming

my life was fine and my willpower was doing great.

and then i found out they're playing bridge school again this year.

and so, of course, i have to go. because it's on this coast, and because...well...my willpower really wasn't doing that great - it just wasn't being tested.

so it looks like i've got mayer(possibly times two) and timmy(times two or three) in two weeks in seattle. and then dmb oct 20th and 21st(let's not forget ben harper, who i'm curious as hell to see live) and then hopefully U2 in vegaaaaaaasssssssss in november.

because i'm a tool who is avoiding any real responsibility...until the money runs out.

what will i do then?

well, i'm not that worried about it. hello. it's called a job. i need to get one.

the end.

garbldeegook.

(as an added part to that post below - dr. drew is so fucking brilliant.)

(love,
a child of MTV)

i've done a lot of thinking in the past hour and a half...went over to don's, and we started watching random tv - all "news" related. from politically incorrect to msnbc to extra to the craig kilborn show...and i had a lot of realizations and even more rationalizations that i won't go into just now, but it left me a little...well, thoughtful i guess.

(gotta love it when you end with the same thought you began with.)

on top of all the realizations i had about what's going on in the world, i came to one that is hitting home more than absolutley anything.

how important it is to be vocal to people about how much i care. i just want everyone i know to know how much i love them. if i feel like calling someone at 3 in the morning, i'll probably just do it. if i feel like doing something for someone, no matter what the cost(i guess i mean that monetarily or emotionally...), i'll do it. i hold back way too much as far as letting people know how i feel about them, and i just don't think there's time for that any more. fuck it. i'm done worrying that i'm burdening or bothering someone when i call them - especially people who i know don't mind. if i want to call and tell someone goodnight just because i'm thinking about them, i will. if i want to randomly IM someone i normally wouldn't because i don't want to bug them - fuck it.

i'm not talking about casual friends, here. i'm talking about all the people who i truly hold dear - and there are so many of them. i'm really fortunate in that...that i have so many people in my life who i am so glad to call good friends. i need to stop holding back and just...let them know.

yeah.

that's all for now.

i don't WANT there to be germany dates in november!
i don't WANT anyone i know to go either because i'm a whiny self-centered bitch, dammit!

well...it looks like i'll be moving to seattle sometime at the beginning of next year.

i've been bouncing the idea around for a few weeks now, and i told all of my friends here this weekend. today i talked to my mom about it, and really just explained what i want to do and what my plan is(I HAVE A PLAN!!!! OH MY GOD! I HAVE A PLAN!!!), and she was very receptive. she understands completely why i don't want to be here anymore, and she's really supportive.

her one problem?

"well, just as long as you're ok with earthquakes that might signify that volcano errupting."

i just had to laugh.

but...yeah. what i want to do is find an internship. from the searching i've done so far, i haven't come up with much. but i've just scratched the surface. i'm going to set up an appointment tomorrow with my advisor so i can 1.) figure out what shape i'll be in this semester as far as school goes. and 2.) figure out where i need to go and who i need to talk to to get help with this whole internship thing.

if i can't find an internship, i'm going to be looking for a job in "my field." i want some kind of social service job, so that i can figure out just how far i want to take this whole sociology thing. i love the classes i'm taking, and while i know i'd excel in some kind of counseling type job, i want to know whether that's what i want to do with my life. the only way to do that is to get experience.

word.

as for school...it looks like i'll be taking some time off. some serious time. at least one semester, possibly more. my plan right now is to go to seattle until june or so, at which time i want to come back here, and live with my mom for the summer. save money, get my thoughts in order. after that, i'll either go back to seattle and begin the long process of establishing residency so that i can go back to school. or i'll move elsewhere - most likely virginia. get my footing there, and then find a school after i establish residency.

you know...i go through this pretty much every fall. where i'm determined to transfer, and then i just never do anything about it. but i'm really excited about this. i think i can do it, and i know it'd be good for me. i'm so damned restless here all the time. i love the people, but the location is driving me nuts. i like school, but i know i'd get so much more out of it if i was somewhere that i really wanted to be. because right now i sit in class and think about where i can go...the kinds of people i could be meeting, and the kind of experiences i could be having.

i've just been here too long.

so why seattle, you might ask?

well, there are 3 places i've visited recently that i decided i definitely wanted to live. seattle is one of them. i'm just in love with it. i'm in love with the scenery, the opportunity and how much it has to offer culturally. musicians actually go put on concerts and stuff there. wow. what a concept. the general vibe is just one i find very appealing. i've got this permanent image in my head of driving over the narrows bridge at sunset...and no matter who was in the car with me, it just felt right. i do want to move back east, but i think i need a place closer to home first, just to see how i'll do. so i'll get the whole living-in-seattle thing out of my system while i'm going through a very...transitional time in my life.

god, i can't wait.

please please PLEASE let this work out.

it's really starting to hit me that we're going to war.

i typed "might be" up there, but then i erased it. because i think at this
point that would just reflect denial. i can hope that we won't, but i'm
expecting that we will. and with that realization comes so many fears and
questions that i just don't want to think about right now. even if it's just
for one more night, so that i can go be with all of my friends and have a
great time with all of them together(yes, all these different groups of
people that i know converging in one place...i can't wait), and then face
these things tomorrow.

and for once, i know that these fears aren't just me being fatalistic or
overly dramatic. they're based in reality and that part scares me even
more.

i wish i had a river i could skate away on...


i love joni mitchell.

you wanna know something pathetic? i haven't seen nick in about 3 months and he lives about 100 feet from me. in fact, uh...i don't think i've even talked to him in over a month. i keep...like...waiting for the "right time" to call.

i called earlier tonight. because DAMN! i love that guy. i want to catch up with him! but he didnt' answer. and when i was walking to my front door, i saw that all his lights are out...he probably has to work early. but i really do hope he calls soon. he's one of exactly 2 people i've ever met who think about things in the same way i do...who observe the world in the same way i do. that's fucking rare.

yeah, we gotta reconnect.

i know, i know. who is the second person?

well, that's a whoooooooooole nother story. he's a rarity indeed, though. i'm one lucky bitch.

but i gotta go watch almost famous, now, because it's about to the part where penny lane and russel are "introduced" by whatshisnuts.

i love this movie.

you know something that makes me happy?

rachael and ice.

they're just so damned good for each other.

i escaped for a few hours tonight, thanks to the help of several different people i love...a good conversation with someone i was thrilled to hear from, and a nice little gathering with some boys i love to death. i've never seen such a well thought out ritz-eating competition.

after a few hours out, though, i really just wanted to get back to the news. i noticed that 3 helicopters flew overhead, and i suddenly just wanted to be in front of my tv again.

but, damn - let's hear it for good friends and good times.

one hand
reaches out
and pulls a lost soul from harm
while a thousand more go unspoken for
they say what good have you done
by saving just this one
it's like whispering a prayer
in the fury of a storm

and i hear them saying you'll never change things
and no matter what you do it's still the same thing
but it's not the world that i am changing
i do this so this world will know
that it will not change me

this heart still believes
that love and mercy still exist
while all the hatreds rage and so many say
that love is all but pointless in madness such as this
it's like trying to stop a fire
with the moisture from a kiss

as long as one heart still holds on
then hope is never really gone

i hear them saying you'll never change things
and no matter what you do it's still the same thing
but it's not the world that i am changing
i do this so this world we know
never changes me

what i do is so
this world will know
that it will not change me

just got off the phone with nate...it was so good to hear his voice, and while we did talk about the events of the past 2 days, it was a such a nice distraction to talk about other things as well.

and yes, i spent the night at my mom's last night. haven't done that in such a long time...family is so important at times like this. i never really think about that...

publish publish PUBLISH!

i've now been watching the news for 15 hours.

well, make that 13. i was in class for 2.

i just can't seem to tear myself away. and at this point, i have to say that i'm completely numb. it just isn't affecting me anymore. totally decensitized.

my mom called at 7:30 this morning. "oh my god, amanda. they...they've flown planes into the world trade center. turn on your tv." it was an immediate state of shock as i watched that second tower collapse. i didn't start sobbing or anything, but tears just started falling as i stared wide eyed as the events unfolded. and then i started thinking about people i knew who's whereabouts i didn't know. my sister, her boyfriend, some friends... i've never experienced anything like that before. just utter shock. not hysteria or really even flipping out...just shock.

this is fucking horrible. everyone i love has been located, and i know they're all safe. but i'm still scared shitless. or i was until this numbness took over. i'm not thinking that i'm in any immediate physical danger, but it's just like the whole country is bracing for something else.

and while they're replaying his little speech, i'll get this out: i cannot stand the fact that HE is the one in power right now. that is quite possibly the thing that is scaring me the most. i don't trust george bush. i don't think he's the slightest bit competent. wait, what am i talking about. i know he's not competent. i don't trust his administration, and i hate the fact that two people i care about so much might be called on to fly him around.

now that i got that little bit out...

the other thing that scares the hell out of me is listening to radio shows and hearing the anger from the people who are calling in. all these calls for revenge...that's what's going to get us in trouble. the threat of biological and chemical warfare is something i don't even want to think about. i'm quite fond of life. i'd like to live it a little longer, thank you.

you know what? i think i might go to my mom's for the night. i really don't want to be alone...but i don't want to go to my any of my friend's houses.

be well, everyone.

i have to do it...

fire
the sun is well asleep
the moon is high above
the fire grows from the east
how is this
hate so deep
lead us all so blindly killing, killing
fools are we
if hate's the gate to peace
this is the last stop
raining tears

war
the only way to peace
well i don't fall for that
raining tears
you're righteous, you're righteous, so righteous
you're always so right
go ahead and dream
go ahead believe that you are the chosen one

oh no
gracious even God
bloodied the cross
your sins are washed enough
mother's cry
is hate so deep
must my baby's bones
this hungry fire feed
smoke clouds roll in
symphony of death
this is the last stop
scream

right is wrong now
shut up you big lie
this black and white lie
you comb your hair to hide your lying eyes
you're righteous, so righteous, so righteous
you're always so right
go ahead and dream
go ahead believe that you are the chosen one
this is the last stop

here there's more than is showing up
and i hope that we can break it down
it's not so black and white

you're righteous
you're righteous
you're righteous
you're always so right
one day you are nailing god to a tree
and then say forgive me, forgive me

what an absolutley terrifying day.

i hate the word exercize. how do you spell it? excersize? exersize? ecercexerexercize?

i don't fucking know.

bite me.

wow.

that was the most homework i've done in one night since...since...since...

fuck. i don't think i've ever done that much homework in one night. i mean, it wasn't like one big paper. it was time consuming busy work from every class.

and i won't even go into how fucking ridiculous it is that i have to get my reading assignments for one class off the web. because it crashes my computer. it crashes everyone in the class's computer. i fucking HATE polis. i hate the fact that the prof requires that we print out every fucking reading and bring it to class. i hate the fact that we have 2 text books for that class, and if i were to go to the library toprint this shit, it'd cost me another hundred bucks. i hate the fact that that's really what i'm going to have to do because no one i know has a computer that DOESN'T crash when you pull up polis on it. i hate the fact that i spent 7 hours trying to print this shit and got 3 pages. i hate the fact that i ended up having to read 20 pages online in tiny font, and that i had to restart my computer 6 times because fucking polis kept...yeah, you guessed it...MAKINGMY COMPUTER CRASH.

but you know what?

i got a lot done.

and i kept my cool.

and now i'm wired as all hell and needing to go to bed.

but i now know all about ethnic violence in south africa and uganda, the downward mobility of mexicans in different economic sectors in the southwest at the end of the 19th century, what a "depth first parser" is and how the mental parser aids in language comprehension AND what the fuck happened to matildita y arturo despues de su mama escribio la carta a su esposo.

and oh, no. i'm not done yet. i still get to go read all about costa rica and do reading preparation excersizes that are sure to thrill and excite.

fdjioasfsdjaiofdsjiofdjofiodjfjid

i'm now attempting to get in touch with my uncle's good friend who works for BMG. and just got a major promotion.

i'm so glad that i'm focusing so much more on the groundworks ticket thing than the getting a job thing.

why am i starting to get the feeling that i'm going to have to sell my soul to satan for this much-desired groundworks ticket?

rach came down this weekend.

yeah, we're pretty much just total freaks. saturday consisted of dinner, and then coming back here to listen and talk.

she was supposed to leave yesterday, but i talked her into staying another night. why? because we started talking when we woke up at 10:30, and by the end of lunch at 4 or so it was clear that we were far from done. have you ever had a 12 hour conversation? fucking insane. it was a much needed 12 hour conversation, though! i love that girl.

now...i'm in search of two things. a job being the first. a ticket for the groundworks dave solo show being the second. if anyone reading this hears of anyone with extra tix or of anyone who knows anyone with extra tix, PLEASE let me know. please? PLEASE? i'm so dead set on seeing this show. i don't care if i fly in an hour before and leave an hour after. dave in a venue that seats less than 3000? oh hell yes.

so, yeah. email me if you know of anything. that'd be amanda@justdmb.com. thanks for your time.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

just totally burned the hell out of my mouth on that previously mentioned tea.

blast.

i was supposed to go out tonight, but i ended up feeling like staying in. eveeryone was going to the bars, and i was just feeling kinda chill, so i never went.

definitely a good thing because i've done some writing. i can't wait much longer before i start writing about the gorge(*really* writing, not just a summary) because i'll forget everything. you know...i started a journal the night before i left for cville and finished it just after hartford. yet, i feel like there's so much that got left out because i just never really sat down and wrote about things.

but i digress.

i've gotten calls from jane, greg, wheylin and ronak(the last two at the same time) within the past hour. they're all at the same place, they just keep calling to make sure i really don't want to go out and that i'm ok and having a good time and what not.

shit. phone again

twas colin. he's drunk and funny as hell.

but anyway...back to the people calling thing. well, quite simply, it feels good. always nice to feel wanted.

now i'll go back to my writing or reading or whatever...got a cup o' tea, and i'm comfortable as hell in my flannel pants and tank top...

aaaaaah.

you know... no one really ever gets my bitchy side quite like my mom and colin. i have no patience for my mom - i need to learn to have more. and colin...well, i'm difficult as hell sometimes when it comes to him. i don't know why. i just am. gotta work on that.

example: he calls earlier to find out what i'm doing tonight. "so what are you guys doing tonight?" and i know damn well he's talking about me and jane, ,because the boy's seriously got a little crush on jane. but for some reason it seemed important to me that he realize that i'm not always hanging out with jane. because i'm not - i really don't have any one group i hang out with anymore...i drift from place to place, and i guess i have issues being tied to any one person.

so i just said "um...who the hell is you guys?"

yeah, he's been home long enough. poor guy. he's starting to annoy me and he's not even doing anything. go back to school!

eeeeeeevil.

glue
stuck to my shoes
does anyone know why
you play with an orange rind
you say you packed my things
and divided what was mine
you're off to the mountain top
i say your skinny legs could use sun
but now i'm wishing for my best impression
of my best angie dickenson
but now i've got to worry
cuz boy you still look pretty
when you're putting the damage on

i'm trying not to move
it's just your ghost passing through
i said i'm trying not to move
it's just your ghost passing through
it's just your ghost passing through
and now i'm quite sure

there's a light in your platoon
i've never seen a light move
like yours can do to me
now i'm wishing for my best impression
of my best angie dickenson
but now i've got to worry
cuz boy you still look pretty
to me
but i've got a place to go
i've got a ticket to the late show
but now i've got to worry
cuz even still you sure look pretty
when you're putting the damage on

hand me a trick and a kick and your message
you'll never gain weight from a doughnut hole
then thought that i could decipher your message
there's no one here, dear
no one at all

and if i'm wasting all your time this time
maybe you never learned to take
and if i'm hanging on to your shade
i guess i'm way beyond the pale

and southern men can grow cold, can grow pretty
blood can be pretty like a delicate man
copper to steal
to a hinge that is faltered
that lets you in
lets you in
lets you in

and if i'm wasting all your time this time
i guess you never learned to take
and if i'm hanging onto your shade
i guess i'm way beyond the pale

somethings just keeping you numb

you told me last night you were a sun now
with your very own devoted satellite
happy for you, and i am sure that i hate you
two suns to many
too many able fires...

hand me a trick and a kick and your message
you'll never gain weight from a doughnut hole

ok.
the chart is done.

what did i make a chart of, you ask?

every dmb song i've seen. in order. how many times and how many times they've been the opener/closer/encore.

spell it out with me, folks: F R E A K!!!

after a day full of nothing but thinking about things...

my head is wonderfully clear.

so i think i'll be productive and work on this chart i'm making...

thinking about other things sucks. i lied. i don't want to do that. but i do have another piece to add to the story below.

so when john and i stopped talking, he had been living with us(me, matt and jack.). i had his stuff all over my room. he came and got his clothes and stuff eventually(or sent his posse in to do it, whatever), but he left a lot. herbal muscle relaxants and sleeping pills, books, and some cool rings and hemp necklaces and just random stuff like that.

this one hemp necklace i absolutley loved. it's got these kick ass clearish green beads...but i felt weird wearing it for a long time, so i put it away. i found it a few months ago, and recently started wearing it again. i was wearing it tonight, and i was so ready for him to say something about it...i had about 10 thousand come backs.

it's totally mine, though. no doubt about it. i don't think he'd even dare say something. =)

i am constantly amazed at the way things work out...

john and rachel have been in town for a few weeks...i've known this, and i've done a pretty good job of not seeing them. there hasn't really been a need to purposely avoid them, but whatever...

so matt and i were watching a movie at his place tonight, and i kinda knew from one phone call that john would be stopping by, but i didn't want to ask questions. so he and her stopped by and...

lol

yeah.

awkward, but whatever. i just have no desire to be around those two. i don't act weird or anything, but i don't think...yeah...it's good they're moving to san diego tomorrow so i don't have to deal with it.

i had no problems acting like myself. one thing that caught me a little off guard was when matt was saying something about leaving for vegas tomorrow, and john and i both started singing, at the exact same time, perfectly in sync "hey baby let's go to vegas" by faith hill. those 2 seconds just said a lot. it was such a johnamanda thing to do...somethings really just never change.

the other thing that happened was that jack called. and john answered the phone. of the million times matt's phone rings in any given hour, john just happnens to pick the time that jack calls to answer. and i happen to be there. presumably hanging out with john and rachel and matt...

this makes no sense to anyone, but matt and i fully understood the irony.

so i had to make sure that i got a chance to talk the boy. successfully ended up just talking to jack for about a half hour. telling him stories, filling him in...listening to his stories...just catching up. which was about ten zillion times better than sitting downstairs acting completely normal around people i'd rather not be around.

i'm not being bitter or hostile. and i would never do anything to make either of them feel uncomfortable.

it's such a strange situation...i can't explain it.

but i do know that i'm really into just making myself happy. and while i'm pretty easily pleased, and i can stand to be around people who annoy me or who i really just don't even like...those two are the exception. i know they're happy and that anyone who might meet them outside of the people we know mutually would love to be around them...but while the pain of that period in my life has faded, i have...

i can't explain this!

lol

i'm totally indifferent to them and their lives, but i don't want to be around them at all.

ok. here. i've got it.
i don't want to be around rachel. period. she is a truly manipulative, evil person and i don't even want to look at her.

with john...i don't want to be around him because if i am, i'm going to want to tell him all about my life. i'm going to want to know all about his. i'm going to want to tell him all about the whole dmb experience because i know he'll get it and i know he'd be totally psyched, and i know he'll listen enthusiastically.

and if i can't be around him and be able to tell him all that stuff, i'd rather not be around him at all.

that makes much more sense.

god, i hate making decisions like that one...you can't be around someone because you'll share too much with them...

ugh.

back to thinking about other things i go.

i had a major major reality check earlier tonight.

i was struck by this huge wave of complete happiness...i'm starting to put the past 6 months into perspective.

no, wait. i'm still in the proceessing phase. but i started really thinking about everything...all of the amazing things that have happened, all the things i've seen...

i got the hartford shows in the mail, and immediately popped in night 2. what an amazing fucking show.

GAH!

you know what? i don't want to make it sound like i'm letting this get me down, because it's not - but i really do wish i had someone to share this with, dammit! all these thoughts in my head...i don't want to write about them! i want to talk about it with someone...

heh, ok. i will stop there before the mood is ruined.

i just started to write an entry in spanish. and as i began to fail miserably, i realized 2 things:
1.) i have to write an "escritura" in about an hour. and i don't remember shit as far as pretty much anything spanish-related goes.
2.) jen would have matias read the entry and he would laugh. hard. and i just can't be the cause of such laughter.

uh oh.
lyrical burst comin gon

oh my love
we both know we care about this
are you hanging on
are you holding on
we both know we feel about this
but we're feeling oh so wrong

i don't want to go to spanish.
i don't want to go to spanish.
i don't want to go to spanish.

i really want dmb to play msg on new years.
i really want dmb to play anywhere on new years.
that'd be a perfect way to say goodbye to a perfect year.

word word word.

never ceases to amaze me how perfect howie's lyrics are... just...wow. absolutley incredible.
(no, i'm not stoned.)

1000 years ago today
we as two would be the same
i'd fall for you
you customize our relationship
do you feel the same about
your flirt with love
and your certainty

the cia wouldn't bother you
but they would always know the truth
they'd never know who came
and i would fall a thousand miles
and you would fall fast to denial

the more you are
the more you need
the more you'll understand
the more you'll understand
the more you love
the more you feel
the more you'll understand

so make it right

the sentiments are screaming out
the felony of who's left out
it's not you
you for me
me for you
we can always follow through
this makeshift date
but why give up your love

the way it goes
call her name
do you ever feel the same
and do you know who came
a year ago
a thousand miles
how far away we were to smile
too far gone to save your love

the more you are
the more you need
the more you'll understand
the more you'll understand
the more you love
the more you feel
the more you'll understand

so make it right

the cia is after you
what the hell is there to do but run
we made a promise
to it all
eternity
trapped away for you to see
on you're way you'll be
baffled by relationships
psyched up for the major lift
what you want to say
you're caught to blame
they erased your name
we will always be the same

we danced in the risk of eachother...
would you like to dance around the world with me...

aw. such a sweet song. i remember right after jack and rachel broke up, and the boy was all about this song. it actually made me ill, because the girl was a fucking psycho(and i mean that seriously.) so i said "hey! jack! what up, yo! let me play another song for you that was written about the same girl!" gotta give the boy a little taste of the halloween side of things.

but i know
no matter how fast we are running
some how we keep up with eachother

yeah, that's one of those songs i can't quite relate to. but damn, it's good.

back in the swing of things as far as school goes. i actually spent a good portion of today doing homework - something i really haven't done in a while. not for a year at least. sure as hell didn't do that last semester...

i think i might be going away next semester. i have this grand notion...heh. not really, i just wanted to say "grand notion." but anyway...i'd like to get an internship in some kind of social service field. either that or get a job in the same area, just so i can get a taste of it. while i'm a sociology major, i hadn't really planned on making that my chosen path - it's just something i'm extremley interested in that i know i'll be able to focus on through college. however, i would like to get my feet wet out in the field. i know it's something i'd be good at, and i need some experience to help me figure out whether or not it is in fact what i want to do.

that, and i'm realizing that i'm just not going to make it here for 2 more years. i love the people to death, but i'm dying to leave. tucson just ain't for me.

so where am i going?
well, i'm shooting for one specific place, but we'll see what happens. i hate saying anything before i've got something concrete.

someone on the freak list once said that we should make a sequel to "where's waldo" - "where's amanda?" that just might be a good idea.

man, i'm bored.

i was so proud of myself earlier. i went to matt's to pick up some tasty, tasty nugs...but i knew that i couldn't smoke. too much to do tonight. everyone began to gether in the living room, ready for a major session, and i caved and said i'd join in. but then i changed my mind. and left.

it's slightly sad how much willpower it took, but whatever. i really haven't been smoking as much as usual. granted, i've only been home a week(god, it's been a week since seattle...), but in that time i think i've smoked twice. which is record-breaking for me.

weed makes me brain-dead these days. i smoke, and i'm down for the rest of the day or night or whatever. which really sucks. i can't focus, i get tired as hell and i just don't want to do anything. guess it's my sign to slow down.

heh. that's why i'm only buying kind bud from now on. smaller quantity, tastier bud, better high...and even more incentive to smoke less often.

ok...now that my smoking habbits have been discussed...

last night was pretty interesting.

jane, krisy, colin and i went to frogs for a bit, during which time they played "two step" and "if i had it all." yes, the frog will be getting return visits from yours truly.

we then went to a bar on 4th to meet up with aden and bob, where i decided it was time to fill aden in on all of my sex-secrets from highschool. i love seeing people's jaws drop when they realize just how much they didn't know way back when...i was pretty devious back then. good stories. it was made more amusing by the fact that bob is involved in some of the stories and was chipping in with details i've long since forgotten.

fire...the sun is well asleep...

i need a massage.

i just totally turned down a booty call.

interesting night at the bars...bob was all about hooking up, and i just couldn't bring myself to have anything to do with it. highly entertaining when a guy is rejected a few times and just keeps on trying. luckily, he didn't show up here afterwards, but called. and i told him i was already passed out.

cute guy, sure. but it's BOB.

and i'm just not all about one night stands these days.

and i'm done with company boys.

and i'm goign to pass out for reals now.

-issues girl

hello again.

just thinking on something that was said to me yesterday by a friend of mine. we were discussing...well...i was asking him if my feelings on a particular issue were clear. and he responded by saying something along the lines of "no, you'd actually have to show or share your feelings for that to happen." and then brought up something i had said to him about how tour was great because i got to know so much about everyone...but no one got to know about me.

now, when i said that i was only half serious. i've got one hell of a self-defense protective system, i'll admit that. but i can't hardly believe that the past 6 months went by without anyone really getting to know me.

or...god...at least i hope that's not the case.

never the less, i really took this conversation yesterday to heart. in a good way. unfortunately, it probably should have happened a few months ago when i could still change how i am...but better late than never, i guess.

i'm a big scardey cat. i gotta start letting people in.

bwahhahahahahahaha.

ya'll ready for that?

the space between our wicked lies
is where we hope to keep safe from pain

heh. that's the only song that's ever made me cry in concert. hartford night 1.

ok. time to start finding emails and copying them into my journal. i'm going to get all these thoughts out of my system if it kills me!

[editor's note: i don't mean this entry to sound tragic. at all. i'm actually in quite a good mood! just...thoughtful.]

i'm going to now attempt to do that whole "writing about the gorge" thing that i know ya'll have been waiting for. every time i try, i find myself just staring at the screen...how does one do justice to 6 days as amazing as those were for people who weren't there? or people who WERE there, for that matter?

the first two nights saw us partying at mel's house. i walked in wednesday night and immediately began shaking. this event that had been so built up and so anticipated for a year was actually happening. i had nate and mel hugging me every five minutes, yelling "where are we right now?" or some similar question. thursday night's get-trashed-before-the-gorge party saw everyone possibly the happiest i've ever seen them. nothing like a party comprised entirely of people you love...oh, wait. most people never get to have that. heh.

and our drum-jam session on the porch...that was fucking insane. we rule.

i don't think i can do this. there's too much to think about! there's too much to retell! luckily, i took 5 rolls of film, and the pictures perfectly document the whole thing.

the shows were absolutley incredible. friday night i got my Stone AND my Say Goodbye. saturday night is by far the best show that i have ever been to. by far. the first 4 songs? billies, warehouse, one sweet world, bowa(another bet lost to mel. i decided that whenever i really want to see a song, i'll just bet mel that they won't play it, and i'll get it.). one of the things i wanted to see more than anything was seek up --> pnp --> rapunzel. about half way through seek, i decided that was definitely what we were getting. "anyone wanna hear a little heartbeat intro?" and that's exactly what we got. luckily i got to share my excitement with nate AND matias before matias was made to go back to his seat. rapunzel was off the hook, aided greatly by the company.

i think the world of you
with all of my heart i do
this blood through my veins for you
you alone have all of me
i give my world to you
to you i will be true

mel came down to visit for a few songs...i got to hear lover for the first time...killer watchtower, killer encore...

i loved that show.

now i have to find someone to sit with next year who i have as much fun with as i do nate.

3rd night was a bit dissapointing - energy was low, dave's voice was junk. but whatever. still got my dido and jane. oh, and i got to deal with bitch of all bitches sitting in front of us. that was pretty fun too.

and the venue...how the hell do you do that justice? friday night i rode to the show in the back of a truck with a few other people. i was stoned, and the sun was setting, which is my favorite time of day in the desert. the light casts these amazing shadows oveer the mountains... it was breathtaking. add to that the anticipation of going to the venue i've heard so much about for so long, and i was giddy as hell. we walked into the venue in a big group, and as i walked up the hill, i actually thought there was a chance i might cry, which probably would have just grossed me out.

the view at the top of that hill? unlike anything i've ever seen. the setting sun, the landscape, the gorge itself...god. absolutley unreal.

oh, and the pig teases. ooooooh, the pig teases. he picked up saturday night where he left off friday night, and we really did end up getting a good portion of the song. thanks dave. ;)

god, then there's activities outside of the concerts. first of all, understand that we had somewhere between 15 and 20 tents set up in our area of the "campground." middle of the desert. it was fucking rad. we went to a park beside the columbia river saturday and sunday during the day. how much fun is it to just chill with people you absolutley adore, playing frisbee, cards, laying in the sun, chit-chatting, swimming in the [ice cold!] river...i got that tan i've been wanting all summer.

yes, amanda went for 3 days without a shower. aaaaaand i conquered my fear of squatting. the whole camping thing was really pretty fucking fun - i'm gonna hafta do it again sometime soon.

saturday night after the show saw us all sitting around a campfire, blasting dmb and singing along at the top of our lungs. yes, i do pity the other people camping within a 5 mile radius of us. through all of btcs, we stood and danced and sang...during halloween i seriously felt like we were hell raisers or something, with the firelight growing(or so it seemed) and everyone yelling at the top of their lungs. i remember very vividly, standing there dancing to the lillywhites, while everyone else was sitting and hearing mel say "amanda, i love you." and then going to give both of the seattle boys hugs. god, i love those guys. (surprise surprise)

that night, about 6 of us made it to(through, actually) sunrise. we climbed part-way up the side of the mountain, and sat there listening to john mayer bounce off the walls of the canyon, smoking purple haze and laughing our sleep-deprived asses off. got yelled at by some unfortunate camper who for some reason thought 6.30 was too early to blasting music. go figure.

oh yeah, and getting down from that mountain while stoned was pretty damned fun, let me tell you. i think matias has the pictures to document our desent.

it really was a perfect ending to the most magical time in my life. i'm not saying the trip was perfect, because it wasn't. maybe it could have been...but it wasn't. there were some stuggles, and there was a little bit of drama, and there's a few things i could seriously kick myself in the ass for. or hell, i'd like to kick someone else in the ass for them, too. ...but it's all good. i'll take it for what it was.

we sometimes dream about having a little freak commune where we all can live together...this was about as close as we're ever gonna get. and it really was "soooooo good."

monday night, after matias and i had a little adventure going to take scotty and meg to the airport and going to visit nate, i smoked one last time with mel, todd, bill and matias. they all ended up going to bed, and my mind started wandering. yeah, i freaked out a little bit. just thinking about a few regrets that i have, and about what comes next...

but...

everything will be alright...

(sorry, i'm listening to last stop, had to get that line in there)

so now, it's over. in a sense, at least. no more tour. and i get to really reflect on everything that has happened and the relationships that have been formed and the memories that have been made.

i'm one lucky fuckin bitch, that's all i have to say about that.

yeah, i could really get into a lot more about the people and shite...but i'm not going to. you see, i haven't done laundry since i've been back. and i really need to take care of that!