still alive,

so there's a lot going on in this here brain. and i figured i'd type some excerpts from my paper journal(i just started a new one yesterday) cuz that's where it's at. i know there's a few of you i don't talk to that often who might like to know what's going on.

sunday, aug 18 4:42PM

so i've just made a really huge decision. i'm not going to the gorge.

everyone keeps telling me that i need to tell myself i'm going, because it'll help my recovery. and then just deal with the dissapointment later if i can't go. but i can't put myself behind that. my whole being is telling me to be realistic and going to the gorge 2 weeks after having open back surgery just doesn't seem realistic to me.

i've been thinking about everything so much this weekend. and i just had a pretty big conversation with jeremy about it. and i know i'm making the right choice. it's hard for me for so many reasons, the biggest being that i know the two different paths i can choose will have startlingly different impacts on my life. and while i always have 2 paths to choose from, it is rare that i am armed with insight from a journey like the one i've been on in the past month and a half.

i've given up a lot. it's so strange how everything has happened. while i've felt the emptiness so much as of late of "is someone in the heavens looking back down on me" i've never been more sure that everything happens for a reason. fate and destiny have never been more real. and knowing that i can shape my destiny is very comforting, though there are certain situations in which we have no control.

i've realized just in the past hour what the two biggest lessons i was meant to learn are. the first is something i've known for a while but never put my soul behind. the second takes my breath away because it's such a departure from my current way of thinking.

i have to put myself first. i have to take care of myself and i have to put my well being and my recovery above everything.


secondly - i have to look outside the moment. i've been so wrapped up in living for the moment and doing things now that i don't even look past next month unless there's a show to think about. i still very much believe that "every day should be a good day to die." and the whole attitude of no regrets that's so integral to dmb's music. but the realization that if i don't focus on myself now, and take time to allow myself to heal, much more than gorge 2002 is gonna pass me by.


it is harsh to know i won't be there. i remember las year so well and i know that this year can only be better. the gorge for me signifies the culmination of so many things. and i guess this year will be no different, even though i won't actually be there.


i'm just going to let that last thought stand on it's own.


i know i've still got a lot to get through. but by backing up this decision - a big decision for me - i feel this inner strength that assures me i'm going to come out of this one million times better. i don't doubt that it's going to be hard at times. i still have to deal with some of the dissapointment of not going, too. and if by some miracle on sept. 2 i'm feeling like i can conquer the gorge, i won't hold myself back. but i'm not expecting that. i need to treat myself right.


what i am going to do is go back home in 3 weeks. (the placement of this surgery is one thing i forgot to write about. had it been one week earlier all systems would have been go. why? i don't know. but i do know that one week ago i had not learned these lessons i was meant to learn. everything happens for a reason...) i am going to go in on wednesday and then spend a lot of quality time listening to quality music. i am going to regain function in my foot. and then i am going to go back to tacoma and finish recovering. i'm going to treat myself to jack shows in seattle and vancouver as a bon voyage to the area, and then i am going to go back to tucson.


and then?


well, and then i am going to experience the biggest reward i'll ever have given myself - phish on new years eve.



monday, august 19, 3:10PM

...i see a chiropracter who doesn't crack backs. he used pressure points...it's very holistic as well as physical. i can't really explain what he does, but it fucking works. well. and lately, my body has been "giving him" certain words that i need to focus on in between appointments. to allow myself to have a new idea about these concepts or whatever.

the word i'm supposed to focus on right now is "virtuousness." when he told me to focus on this one for the week, it struck something in me without my being able to exactly define it. i knew there was some meaning i was missing. so i chose to look it up in the dictionary, which is something i never do. i knew there was something i needed to see besides the normal "chaste; pure" definition. (which, of course, i am.)

then, there it was. the third definition:
archaic: having inherent, natural virtue or power, often of a magic or supernatural nature; endowed with potent medicinal powers beneficial in healing.



...of course i have fears, but i've always valued the power of not giving life to fears through not speaking them. not putting them out there for the universe to tumble around and play with...

i know this is all going to work out.

i cried today like i have never cried before. for like an hour. i just couldn't control it.

and then i went out and spent some time in a book store wandering around. i took a long drive home through the desert at sunset, up by the mountains, listening to btcs.

life is such a roller coaster. when it rains it pours. everything happens for a reason. all of these cliches make so much sense. but without these...my life wouldn't be as vibrant and vivid as it is. i know there's reasons things have happened as they have when they have. and i've done my best to figure these reasons out so that i might learn the lessons i'm supposed to learn and explore the relationships i'm supposed to explore.

and there IS a lot of good that is coming out of all of this. i have always been someone who treasures her relationships with people more than anything in the world. and i am going to come out of this phase of my life with friendships that were hardly even existant before i came home that are growing tighter with every single day.

god, life is complicated.

i can't even begin to go into the thousands of thoughts slamming through my head tonight. it's 4am and i don't see any stop in the near future.

someone wanna tell me how i'm supposed to be dealing with my life right now? lol. if someone could just handle the whole "dealing with things" aspect for me in a way that would make things play out the way i want them to, that'd be grand.

good night tonight, though. really good night.

ummmmm...

surgery. next wednesday.

so they didn't call to cancel my appointment with the neurosurgeon today as i'd expected.

that means i'm seeing him tomorrow. and i will have answers very very soon.

and this kinda freaks me out.

i had such a damend good night last night.

jeremy called me pretty late to tell me to go to aden's dad's house. we sat on aden's deck, which overlooks the entire city, just talking and reminiscing and telling stories. there was this perfect breeze, and i saw 2 shooting stars, and it was just lovely.

we started off(after aden went to bed) talking about our first phish concert. and i remembered so many things that i had forgotten about. neither of us rememberd that the two of us and one other friend were the only ones shrooming. and by the second set, we had made our way almost to the front of the stage. and during the encore break, we were just yelling out asses off because if we didn't keep our energy up we would fall to the ground. the people to the side of me were asking "what are you guys ON? can we have some?" and the people in front of jeremy just kept turning around and laughing and saying "having a good time back there?"

and we talked about the first time a bunch of us ever did acid. it was cool because we have different stories from the night, so we could share those different things, but our memories entertwine so much. there's one specific point that night that i do remember, but i couldn't have told you it was he who was the other person in the room. i was looking at an art book in johnny's guest room. ok, i was looking at one picture that was just blowing my mind. and jeremy came in and started doing SOMETHING, but all i could do was look at this book. so finally i looked up and just stared at this guy who was tripping balls, just fidgeting around with god knows what, and was like "what the FUCK are you doing? come look at this picture!"

after that i layed down on the tile and watched zoo animals herding across the floor.

and we both remember all...7 of us or whatever sitting out by the pool just watching the pool, listening to phish's "junta."

just...good times. goooood times.


it was just really refreshing to 1.) talk about these memories and 2.) have someone who remembers the same things that i do.

we talked about a shitload of other things. it was just really relaxing.

and i realized one of the difficulties i'm having with my life here is that i'm so used to much more intimate settings. i used intimate for lack of a better word. i'm used to small groups, or one on one situations where you really get to talk to the other people. you get to know them. even if you're not having deep conversation, you get to know people's little quirks and idiosyncracies so much better in small group settings.

and here it's usually a large group. which is fine for the boys because they all know eachother so well that their personalities do come through in that setting. and while several of them did know me well, they don't know who i've become. and i'm so anxious to share that with people because - i'll admit it - i like myself. i've got a ton to say and tons of stories to tell, and that all just come out better in small group settings.

yeah.

the point? i dreamed like you wouldn't believe last night. for like 10 hours. and i woke up in the best mood. and i really need that right now, no matter how short lived it might be.

every night is disco night
with you i'm living every moment for you
seeing things in a different way
oh my god i'm thankful that you're leaving

is there nothing we can do this afternoon
is there nothing left to say
hold you love
warning you
you are something new
afternoon

i'll make it up to you somehow
i'm laughing and you're dancing like my mother
and i'll teach you to go off on me
you shake from the horror
mirror something you're feeling hot
your radio is not store bought you stole it
another night you're going out
it's saturday and now you've got the fever

oh, love
is there something we can do this afternoon
is there nothing left to say
hold your love now
cautions you
you are something new
afternoon

is there something we can do this afternoon
is there nothing left to say
hold your love
warning you
you are so beautiful you'll just have to do
you'll just have to do

is there nothing left to say?



(oh, come on jen. you knew that one was coming.)

so when it comes down you'll know
i'm with you
how could i show you
it feels good to know you

we once had oceans left to find
now the trees and the rivers have parted ways
when it seems like the phone has died
well then so have i
so when it comes down you'll know
i'm with you


how could i show you
it feels good to know you
how will you know?

we storm from a small thin line
we're torn from the old frames
when there's no one here to pull you back again

when it comes down, you'll know
you'll know...

i love watching what's going on with the phish community right now. i'm on this yahoogroup called azheads, and everyone is so stoked... it makes me smile. i mean, what would we do if dmb took a 2 year hiatus and then announced a nye show? good lawd. i'd piss myself.

i need to stop smoking my mom's cigarettes.

hmmmmm. i wonder what's going on with howie these days. i'm so out of the loop.

and if i'm still in tucson next week(hahahahahaBOO) i get to see mayer. which will be nice. i could use a good gigglefest.

you're ravled up
just take some time to come undone
you look so tired
i know your type

it's what you want
it's how we are

take it or leave it
slow down, slow down




i don't think i can trust you anymore
i don't think i can trust me anymore
i don't think i can trust love anymore

for lack of anything better to do, i'm going to post what i sent to the boys after the wedding. yippiekay yay mother fucker.

to: aden, colin, jeremy, paul, eric, nik, mikey and bob

so.

there are some things that need to be said and i suck at keeping it in...

after sitting in airports and on planes for 13 hours yesterday and writing about 25 pages in my journal, i've come to a conclusion - this weekend was by far one of the best i've ever participated in. it may sound hokey, but i realized a lot this weekend that has changed my life. i've done a lot of living in the past few years, and i've been blessed to do so many different things and i am SO glad to have shared something like this with *you* guys.

the company boys have an incredible bond that is unlike anything i've ever seen, and it lifts my spirits to have had the chance to be with all of you for this incredible event. you guys are very lucky to have eachother.

i've been through a lot the past few weeks, and this was so what i needed...it's made see the importance in connecting with the people i love the most. and strangely, even after some of the horrifying sights and body parts i've seen in the past few days...there's some semblance of inner peace.

rock the fuck on.


thank you!!!
i'm done now. :)

love!
amanda


it is so strange to me that i shared this experience with these boys...fuck, i've shared a lot with them over the past 8 years in general... and yet i'm remembering every single day why it is i moved away from them a few years ago. i found a new group of friends.

this is just way too complicated to blog about. i keep trying to, but i just can't do it. i know these guys love the hell out of me. it is very obvious to anyone who encounters us together. but for some reason, with all the bonding that happens, they are still so...distant? i don't know. i have no comprehension of how one can bond so deeply with a person, as i have with several of them over the past few weeks, and still...i don't know...not include them in their daily life?

i don't know. they're just a bunch of weirdos, really.

and i am really damned lucky to have them, in all actuality. but the more i'm around them, the more i realize what a huge place the "freaks" hold in my heart. i could not ask for a more supportive, attentive and amazingly diverse group of friends. for example, i sent out this mass email right after all the shit with my back started going down. and it got long. but i wanted them all to know what was going on. i wasn't expecting any kind of response - hell, i didn't expect half of them to read it at all. but the responses i got from virtually everyone were so heart felt and just so...needed. it was fantastic. from emails to phone calls, i knew they'd actually heard what i was saying. and that was nice.

when i talked in that letter above about the importance of connecting with the people i love the most, i wasn't thinking of the boys. i was thinking of jen and nate and mel and rachael and all these people who i have sooooo many memories with in such a short amount of time. some who i talk to daily, and some only weekly. but i've watched these incredible relationships evolve and strengthen and it's just real damn cool.

and it really is a shame we all live so far apart!

and like...there's still colin. who is my oldest friend and who i love to death. and jeremy and i have shared a lot recently - i haven't *talked* to someone like that in literally years. and mike and i connected in ways we haven't before. and bob will always be a dear friend because aside from colin, i've known him the longest, and he ias always there to talk to and hug and stuff.

but.

but what?

i don't know. i'm really just bored and rambling.

:)

lalalalalalala.

ok. hi.

my mom wakes me up this morning by telling me that i need to clean my room today so that the maid can clean when she comes tomorrow.

um. when did we go back to 1994? is that ace of base i hear on the radio?

i have been so contemplative all weekend, but especially tonight.

you see, i haven't listened to howie since the night before i left home, when i went to see him at the paramount. i borrowed a cd i had made for jane tonight and listened to it on the way home. i ended up extending my drive home by about half an hour.

my time in seattle was so fucking amazing. i have so many incredible memories just from this tiny little slice of time. i fucking loved my life there. i was completely content with my job, with my apartment, with the view outside my window and with the people who so easily let me into their lives. every single day was like a vacation. there was so much within my grasp. i loved my solitude. i loved the music scene. i adored being able to hit shows in portland, seattle and vancouver. i loved the local bars and the fact that every single time i rounded the bend in I-5 where you can first see the city, i broke into a fit of giggles.

and with every passing moment, i am realizing that i want to make my permanent residence there. it is home. it's so weird because there are so many people who i love so dearly here in tucson...but...well, that's another tangent. as much as i love them, and as much as i am intrigued by certain people and feel the need to explore my relationships with them, i don't belong here. i might go insane here. nothing ever changes in tucson. i feel my old complexes and insecurities creeping back inside me, and i feel helpless to stop it.

but i know that no matter how much i might want to go back to seattle and find a new place to live and establish residency and finish school there, odds are i won't be able to do that. because if i do need to have surgery, i'm gonna have to be around my mom and people who will be able to take care of me for some period of time.

life is so damned strange. the things it tosses your way... i feel like i need to figure out the reasons that things have fallen into place as they have, so that i can learn all the lessons life seems to think i need to learn, and then move on. but it's such a daunting and complex task. and all i really wanna do is go home and feel that inner peace again... but i know that there's a lot that i need to deal with before that can happen. and it might be a long time before i can go back. i don't know.

i just don't know.

my nail polish is called "fire dance"

*giggle*

i just sprained my ankle again.

:)

there are bad times
but that's ok
just look for love in it


(just gotta keep pounding that in)

well, i was in a really good mood. we went to get a "compact" rental car, and i ended up with an extended cab Big Truck. it's a blast to drive. i love it.

then i got home and made the mistake of answering the phone. the appointment with the neurosurgeon monday has been canceled. they can't get me in til a week from monday.

so much for getting through this week so i could have answers on monday.

i don't think i have ever felt such hostility towards the people around me. i am fucking disgusted with just about everyone. completely disgusted.

i sit here. all day. aaaaaaaall day. have i mentioned that before? because i sit here all the live long day. i look forward to being able to take my mom's car at night - when i can. and i can't help it if i have an adverse reaction when i'm looking forward to going out with friends all day long, and she calls to tell me she'll be home around 8:30 and then doesn't show up til 11. because i'm not going to fucking ask my friends who live half an hour away to come get me and then be responsible for getting me back up here.

and i'm annoyed with jane too. very annoyed. i'm so damned astounded at the absolute selfishness of people my age. it disgusts the hell out of me. and it bothers me even more that i want soooo badly to show the same kind of behavior to her/them, but i can't because i believe so strongly in karma. people come whining to me about all these things that are SO fucking ridiculous, but i know that i can't judge how fucking lame it is that they're upset over stupid things, so i listen and console and...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

i hate people. :)

and every day that i'm stuck sitting on my ass doing not a god damned thing, the more convinced i am that i am not going to be able to live here. ever.

and you know what? i know for a fact that the next 3 days are going to be absolute hell because the boys are all out of town, my mom is going to be gone all day tomorrow and all night tomorrow night and all saturday and sunday, and jane is working and all of my other friends are just fuckheads.

so what does that mean?

at LEAST 3 more days of doing absofuckinglutley nothing.

oh yes. and i also get to think about everything that i'm missing at deer creek. that's just great.

someone seriously - put me out of my misery.

i suppose i could just finish off the rest of my pain killers and muscle relaxants over the next few days. drugged up haze...could be fun. you never know.

yeah, that thing about not being depressed anymore...it's reached that time of day where i *am* depressed. where it takes all of my willpower not to smash things into the wall and become more destructive than i ever dreamed possible.


and if my brother doesn't stop trying to get me to go see some fucking DJ with him, i might just lose it on him, bless his fucking heart.

blah blah blah.

blah-buh-blah blah blah.

doobie doobie doo. do doo doo dooo dooooo. doobie doobie doo.

for the love of fuck. no car. friends out of town or working. can't read anymore. can't deal with tv anymore. can't exercize for fear of breaking my back in half. can't lift things - laundry is a stretch. blah blah blah.

hehe. the time for a delerious outburst the likes of which have never been seen in the northern hemisphere is sooooooo close. i'll try and give everyone warning, but i apologize in advance if i don't get it out in time.

bwaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!

(um, at least i'm not depressed anymore?)

crazy, crazy girl.

oh, and the point was - when everyone in the bar found out we were leaving, they played best of what's aroundi n my honor.

sick i tell you. sick.

i had a really good night tonight.

i went out to dinner with mi madre to bazil's - my favorite restaurant where everyone knows my name because we've been going there for the past 14 years. after dinner and a bottle of wine there, we went to my mom's neighborhood bar, where i talked with so many people and laughed my ass off. all of my mom's friends crack me the hell up. they range from age 18 to 65 and are aall just completely enamoured of my mom. it's hilarious.

and i also realized something.

i'm helaciously attracted to this guy. and i shouldn't be. why? because he's the son of my mom's on again, off again boyfriend. and he comes to all of our holidays. and so does his long term girlfriend, who has become kinda like family. and i've never wanted to admit it, but FUCK me. he's so damned attractive...


i guess it's a moot point?

my mom really really really really wants for all the freaks to come out here. she wants to vacate her house to accomodate them all. i'm like...sure, mom. whatever. i'll see what i can do.

i should go to sleep now.

ok.

so.

i'm out for drinks tonight with megan and jane. i decided to tell megan the nick story(a rather difficult undertaking, seeing as it is a saga that streches over like 6 years, and is more complicated than i can even remember). he's been in the back of my mind for the past week or so, because he's been in my dreams twice. and we all know the rule: i dream about him, and four days later, i see him.

ok, so maybe we don't all know the rule, but that's the way it is. i won't talk to the guy for 9 months, and then he'll work his way into a dream and without fail, four days later, i see him at some random place. driving. or at a restaurant. or in a bar. i always write the dreams down and don't mention them to anyone...just to try and document that i am not in fact crazy, while not jinxing it by speaking it out loud.

so anyway. i don't know for sure when the last of my two dreams about him in the past week was, it might not have been four nights ago. but his friend dan was also in it.

soo anyway, i tell megan the story to the best of my ability. i finish my cigarette and suggest we leave. we walk into the bar from the patio to get out to the street, and there i see his roommate. his roommate moves to the side and...yup, you guessed it. there he is.

in.fucking.sane, i tell you.

it seriously just blows my mind how fucking reliable this whole weirddreampsychicability thing is. only with him.