survey says:

after about an hour of electric shocks with prodders and electrodes, and needles pumping electric shocks into my muscles, it is safe to say that i have no reflexes in my foot. nerve damage is substancial. off to a neurosurgeon i go!!! wooooohooo!!

now i just gotta start accepting the idea that gorge is almost definitely a no-go.

god, i don't mean for all of my posts to sound so tragic! there are good things going on, too, it's just that most of it goes in my paper journal.

the wedding was probably one of the most life-changing things i've ever experienced. new bonds were created and old ones were strengthened, and i was so thankful to have shared that time with the boys. the first of us to get married...it was an amazing experience. i haven't ever felt that comfortable for so long with tucson people. it was overwhelmingly good.

i'm so glad to have bonded with jeremy and mike. i needed that. i need that. they make me really really happy.

and it's strange to feel so out of place, yet have people telling me that i am the reason everyone keeps coming together...

i don't know. the point is, there are good things going on.

but i still pray that i'll be able to go home soon.

things are going alright. i look forward to nighttime when i can [usually] take my mom's car and go be with my friends. it's so strange...

i'm totally not getting into it. i'm too tired. haven't been sleeping much lately, and i just got done paying the bills that have been stacking up since i left home, and i go to the neurologist tomorrow to pretty much find out my fate.

and i've got a flight to dc on thursday to go to the starlake shows, but i'm trying not to get excited. just in case. but i can feel that freak smile creeping across my face every now and then...

soi figured i'd bring up the whole rumor thing to the only person who i care to discuss it with at all...

so, uh, there's this lovely little rumor going around that i herniated a disc having sex with you...

and with that we both just busted out laughing. i was like...um, maybe i'm confused, but i didn't think we'd had sex. more laughing.

he was really really quite amused. i love that boy.

ok. listen. just for the record? i did not herniate my discs having sex. i don't care if it's a good story. i don't care if it's giggle worthy. that is not what happened.

aaaaaaaaargh. i did a really good job of staying out of the gossip/drama tree...well, my whole life. and then i come back to tucson, hook up with a kick ass guy two nights that i'm here, thinking, mind you, that i would just go back to seattle and leave it all behind.

but oh, no no! we hook up, twice, it's fun as hell, and then i find out that the rumor is that i herniated my discs having sex.

no. ok. see. these back problems started a few months ago. they worsened like the day before i came to tucson.

and most importantly - WE DID NOT HAVE SEX ANYWAY!!!!

jesus, fockers.

ahem. i'm fine. :)

i don't like waking up crying. and i don't like feeling like this depression is completely stupid and without reason. and i've decided that there is absolutley no point in hoping for the best, because it keeps getting worse. and i feel like a child at how heartbroken i am that i'm missing my 10 show run. and i feel like i will most definitely go insane if i don't get home soon, and i know that i'm not going home soon.

and i can't breathe, and my stomach is permanently clenched and i don't even care anymore where i am when i start crying or who's around. and i don't talk much and i don't really even see the world around me, except for a few clear hours a day late at night when i'm in my mom's car driving and music is playing and i can just pretend that my life isn't completely fucked right now.

and i'm glad that everyone is commenting on how i can keep my sense of humor. because i don't feel it when i say it.

and did i mention that sitting around all fucking day long is driving me crazy?

and knowing what i'm missing in my life is driving me crazy? i fucking cried when i read the set list last night. because that was night 1 of 10, and i can't believe i'm fucking missing it all.

and i keep coming up with resolutions, and things that i can do for myself to make myself better and focus on pretty much rebuilding my body so that i can lead the live i want, but then i'll wake up the next day and get some new piece of news that sabotages those plans that were so important to me. and that gave me such hope. so fuck hope. i'll just keep expecting the worst, and maybe one of these days i'll hear something that's not quite as bad as i thought it was gonna be instead of 100000 times worse than i hoped it was going to be.

i *need* to go home. i need to be able to walk outside during the day and look around and feel that slow smile creep across my face. i need to be away from here, and away from grandparents, and away from friends who i *do* love an insane amount(i'm just not at all ready for the drama that goes along with such a huge social life). everything here is just too overwhelming.

but instead, i have to wait more.

ugh.

there's my pig opener.

i repeat: ugh.

i had the most intense nightmare last night. i've never experienced anything like it. when i woke up afterwards, i was positive that something was wrong. i just wanted to go get in bed with my mom. i talked myself out of a panic attack and refused to think about the details of the dream so that i wouldn't be able to remember them today.

what i do remember was that at the end of the dream, when it was at it's most intense, this man walked out with a box in his hand. he called me over and opened the box. inside, a video was playing of this past weekend. it served to calm me down as well as bring me out of the nightmare. i was so thankful for that.

i woke up and decided not to do nissan. too much pressure, seeing as i still haven't seen the doctor and want to go back to seattle to get somet hings before i head back east. i didn't want to do it, because god knows i was looking forward to nissan the most out of the 7 shows, but i feel more at ease now that i've decided to stick with not going.

this past weekend was one of the most amazing ever. i'll write about it soon.

i am in such a good mood today. it is such a relief.

something...happened last night. i mean aside from the speeding ticket and megan's dog biting me.

it is really amazing what power music has over me. this new cd is so damned amazing, i cannot stop listening to it.

but the point is...i went to don's and watched the dvd. which was just what i needed. they did such a good job with it - i can't wait to see the finished product. it is superbly edited, and i love how it shows what's going on with more than one band member at a time. AND it shows the fans in such a realistic light. when dave starts wailing at the end of bartender, and they zoom in on this girl pointing with that "oh my god" look on my face...how much can i relate to that? lol. plus, it brought back a flood of some of my favorite memories from this time last year when mel and i were doing our trek up to seattle...

that day was so much fun. we sat in a VIP parking lot before the show(that's a whole nother story), drinking. it started raining just as wyclef came on stage, and i can remember sitting in mel's little red civic, smoking, listening to wyclef in the distance and calling people to tell them how happy i was.

when it came time to actually go into the venue, i remember just following mel on auto-pilot. as we neared the crowd waiting to get in, mel looked back at me with that "i'm real fucked up. are you real fucked up?" look on his face, and we were just laughing our asses off as we tried to navigate the crowds and find the people to give our tickets to.

now, at most stadiums, there are levels that take you out to the middle so you can trek down to the field and find your seat. at this one, you had to start all the way at the top. and i remember thinking how glad i was i hadn't worn flip flops, because i would have died, no doubt. it was pouring and slick as hell, and EVERYONE was fucked up and dancing in the aisles...wyclef brought this incredible energy to that stadium. plus, i' mpretty convinced boulder in it's entirety is just high. you see that mist over the crowd during wtwe? it's not rain. no no. that's smoke. i shit you not.

we finally got down to our seats(in the second row :) ) and mel decided to go do his taper thing. i had to pee. so, yes, i had to go all the way back up the stairs, drunk and stoned off my ass. i made it up there again, and the crowd was so thick in the portals that i just stood there staring at people and laughing at my situation for about 10 minutes before i went back down without peeing.

got back down, scolded mel for "allowing" me to go off on my own in the state i was in, and the show started. everyone had been expecting boulder to be the failure of the year...and there were so many surprises. and they were so on. and i remember the surprise warehouse midset and hearing crash for the first time that year, and then the two step ants encore that absolutley blew the roof off.

it was so. much. fun.

and i started this entry meaning to write about the realizations i came to last night pouring my soul out to crackhead megan, and why my mindset is so good right now. but i think i'll just leave it with that fantastic memory.

one of a thousand.

i just deleted like 70 freak posts. hmmm.

you know what rules? the fact that nik's wedding is friday. and that i will be escorted by 9 amazingly cute guys. i was sitting at jeremy's last night, looking around at all of them, and i thought to myself damn, this has turned into a good looking group of guys. how the hell did that happen? i'm a very very lucky girl. i might loose my mind spending 4 days with them and all of their random babble, but i'm pretty sure i'll just end up laughing my ass off and being taken care of in ways that only the highschool boys could do. did that sentence make sense? didn't think so.

anyway. yes. me and 9 guys and 2 hotel rooms. outlook is good. i'm quite excited.

yeah, all that other shit is still going on but what the hell can i do about it.

word.

my moods are fluctuating so rapidly between this numb kind of "alrightness" and this dark, dark, overwhelmingly sad and depressed pressure right behind my eyes that i just have no control over. and i keep trying to tell myself that it'll all work out, and i know it will, and i keep telling myself it'll get better, but the truth of the matter is i know that it won't for a while.

i am terrible in situations i have no control over. i don't adapt to change well when it is shoved in my face.

i am not ready to be home. i'm not ready to deal with all of this shit. and i know that i have to and that that is life. but i'm having such an unbelievably hard time right now. i have never felt so distant from everyone in my life that i love. i haven't felt this alone in a long long time. which is strange, considering the fact that i treasured my solitude so much in seattle...yet...

i just went driving in my mom's car, listening to mayer and watching the lightening over the mountains. no, i shouldn't have been driving. but i've been sitting here by myself for 2 days trying to deal with the weight of everything that's just been put on my plate. and i'm so close to breaking and i don't know what the hell to do...

so of course i choose the route that will bring me even more pain...pretending to be ok, and choosing to isolate myself from anyone who might be willing to help.

but i don't want anyone around here to see me like this. i'm so used to being this person who is so full of life and wants to share this intense passion for everything with anyone who will open their eyes to it. and right now i have no clue who the hell i am...and i'm scared to death what's going to happen next and i'm trying to live by my own moddos that i dole out and that i have been so sucsessful with living by...

but i'm just so damned sad. and i have no one to talk to. and maybe that's my own fault.

(i don't want your pity...just the promise that i'll be alright...)


tomorrow will be better...tomorrow will be better...

i just pricelined a ticket for next thursday to rapid city for nik's wedding for $250. that's saving $600 off the lowest published fare available at this time. go me.

you know...i was aware that the amazingly good role my life has been on had to end sometime. and i know it sounds cryptic and tragic, but my naive self wasn't prepared for the abrupt hault everything i love about my life was going to come to.

i don't deal with change well, especially when it's forced upon me...

the point of that previous post was...can someone please just come take care of me? please? i only get pissy about once every 12 hours when the pain makes me scream, but it passes. i'm delerious 50 percent of the time and actually happy and talkative some of the time. i require you to "fetch" certain things, but that's only because it's been proven that if i do it for myself i'll cause some other injury.

please come take care of me. please?

haven't been able to sleep all night. combination of the fact that i have to be in my mom's room because that's where the futon is, and it's the firmest bed in the house - and she snores. and the fact that my lips are chapped. and the fact that my numb foot and leg are somehow achey as hell. and itchy too. and you can't scratch something you can't feel. and my throat hurts. and i can only lay in 2 different positions...

i am not in good shape here, kids. not at all. the doctor LAST night at the ER seems to think i have a herniated disc. now...on one side, she was a total fuckwit. didn't know what the hell she was talking about, so i'm hoping she's off. but if she isn't...i really just kinda wanna shoot myself. tryig not to think about it though.

whatever the case. i have severe, ok excruciating pain from this damned pinched nerve, and then i go and sprain my ankle. brilliance.

you know what makes me really happy though? jeremy found out yesterday, and then brought me cookies when he came over to bob's.

man, we've had a good time this week..

it's a welcome distraction, for sure.

i cannot believe i'm missing mel and lisa's wedding. if i have to miss nik and miranda's to, i just...

well, i guess i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

i knew something "bad" had to happen soon. it's just been too damned long. and karma's getting me for something...

ok. i have been moody as all get out today. flat out bitchy to some, delerious to others... it has not been fun at all. i guess that's what happens when your life is completely stress free for 6 months(did i mention that i got 85 points out of a possible 780 on dateline NBC's stress test?) and then little things all stack up on you at once.

anyway.

i'm feeling blechy again and all...emotional and gross. and howie is playing here tonight. but i just don't really feel like going to see him. for more reasons than i can even state. i was a total bitch to mel this morning, which is one reason. i've got a lot to do...and i really just kinda feel like moping.

which should tell all who know me that something is seriously wrong. lol. i'm missing howie. for the third time in 4 days. that is just w.e.i.r.d.

i did make a major decision this weekend though. i'm moving back to arizona in september. right after the gorge. i think that's a main reason i'm feeling so emotional and stressed out. i told my supervisor today that 2 weeks from tomorrow will be my last day. i'll leave for rapid city the day after that for nik's wedding. then come back and regroup and get shit together for my 3 week jaunt back east where i'll be hitting up 10 dmb shows. no, i cannot afford it. but i don't care one ounce(maybe thing #4943980438934 that's stressing me out?). come back here mid-august and...i haven't decided if i'll ask my temp agency to place me for 2 weeks til gorge or if i'll just go crazy some more with concerts...i'd like to hit mayer in vegas...

i don't know.

the point is, i could be seeing howie in 3 hours. and i don't really want to. fuck - i could be hugging howie in 3 hours. and that doesn't even sound enticing.

worry, people. worry.

;)

period...cramps...going to die soon...