your body may be gone, i'm gonna carry you in
in my head, in my heart, in my soul
and maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again
well i don't know, i don't know, i don't know
don't think so

well that is that and this is this
you tell me what you want and i'll tell you what you get
you get away from me, you get away from me
collected my belongings and i left the jail
well thanks for the time, i needed to think a spell
i had to think awhile, i had to think awhile

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
in your head, in your mouth, in your soul
and maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old
well i don't know, i don't know, i don't know
i hope so

well that is that and this is this
you tell me what you want and i'll tell you what you get
you get away from me, you get away from me
collected my belongings and i left the jail
well thanks for the time, i needed to think a spell
i had to think awhile, i had to think awhile

well that is that and this is this
will you tell me what you saw and i'll tell you what you missed
when the ocean met the sky
you missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye
when the earth folded in on itself
and said "good luck, for your sake i hope heaven and hell are really there, but i wouldn't hold my breath"
you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

the ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in
in your head, in your mouth, in your soul
the more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind
well, i don't mind, i don't mind
how the hell could i mind?

well that is that and this is this.
you tell me what you want and i'll tell you what you get
you get away from me, you get away from me
You get away from me. You get away from me.
well that is that and this is this
will you tell me what you saw and i'll tell you what you missed
when the ocean met the sky.
you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

my dear friend shayna so articulately expressed my thoughts on thanksgiving - heartattack in a bowl. I mean, I come to you after round 3 of leftovers 2 days after the fact, and every time I take a bit of some fluffy dish, I think first damn this is good, and second this food is just so fucking bad for you.

my thanksgiving was really good. it was spent with roommate, mother and brother. it was the end of a stretch of time in which we had megs’ mom and then my mom and brother in town. but it was a really good thanksgiving. the three of us ladies just all pitched in and threw together a really good thanksgiving dinner. and it was fun. and it was totally low key. my mom had to complain about how the veggie casserole is usually better just so that she felt complete, there being nothing else wrong with anything and all. but I mean, we had pie, we took pictures, we listened to some dmb and drank some wine.

it was a really good visit with my mom and brother. I’m glad I got some holiday time with them because this whole christmas trip extraavaganza isn’t going to allow me a lot of time to spend with anyone. I mean, obviously christmas eve and christmas day will be spent with family(yes, in the blood sense). but I mean...christmas night is to be spent with my boys at our annual christmas festivus(for which I received an invite today. a formal invite. I love them so much). and there’s a lot of other people to see in tucson as well.

as for the second part of the trip, I can’t even begin to proccess that one just yet. flight is booked, lodgings have been arranged...for the most part.
man, it’s gonna be a severely fast paced 12 days.
--
work is strange. life is strange. boys are strange. I’m really almost aching for someone to be with. I need to get the cuddling, sex and conversation all from one source. plus, I’m getting a little worn out being this horny all the damned time. I mean, I got a break during parent time(which spanned about 9 days, mind you. 9 days! good lord, that’s good!). but not 24 hours later after my mom and daniel left, it came whomping back. I need sex, whenever i want it. I need that output, and while getting it regularly might not initially help at all but in fact make it way worse, I’m willing to take my chances
.
hah. as if that were actually a choice I could make. there’s just no one right now I’m terribly interested in. I mean, sure, I have my intrigues and my little games and adorations, but those are all so full and terribly blown up is because they’re taking the place for something bigger. they fill up to make a whole. and I do love each of them dearly. I really have the most amazing selection of men in every aspect of my life. good lord. I wish I could have them all in one place for a day, and just take one spectator along with me and gush in all their goodness. but I’m ready for some kind of comittment I think.

it’s a good realization. and I’m extremely lucky to be able to have the knowledge that I’m alright without it and that I can look around and play around until I find someone perfect. I’m not going to throw myself into anything that is less than deserving.

--


I am thankful for:
-the home I’ve made. well, I guess this is one I share with the roomie. I really really love where I live, from the biggest volcano to the smallest candle we’ve put out to accent whatever area. I love my physical space.
-my friends. I say that word, and I look up at the sky and smile. I love them all.
-my mom and my brother. they are unique in all the right ways.
-wine. I really like wine.
-the massive amount of new people who have plopped down into my life this year. there hasn’t been an influx like that since I meant my freakies. it’s so mentally stimulating and rewarding. yum.
-my little baby girl. who is changing so rapidly...it’s so amazing to watch. yeah, her birth is an experience all it’s own. for the books.
-the gorge.
-the tapestry on one of our couches. I have no clue why I ever bought that thing, but I’m so glad I hung on to it AND kept track of it because it looks damn good.
-sex. I am really, really, truly thankful for sex. I hope I will be thankful for more of it next year.

i need to blog. actually blog. here, in this little window, not cutting and pasting something i journaled a week ago that is edited because i don't feel that it fits here in it's entirety. hm.

i just took two shots of vodka because that's what i have. i'm wondering if wonderboy downstairs wants to play, but i don't wanna push it. i worked late tonight, i'm not getting enough hours, i've semi recovered from last week and have not cried yet this week. i spent good times with a boy i really wanted and it progressed more than i could have hoped, yet was strange and threw me off. there's another boy who is so fun to play with and gives me so much attention. and just look - wonderboy just texted me. yes, texted is a word and i will use it. and yes it's sad that texting is required when we live about 10 feet away.

it's foggy outside, i love this season and there's this one tree outside my work that i'm convinced is the center of magic. i've smoked 4 rolled cigarettes this week and i'm pretty sure boys are making that the trend. i sure do love ingesting the work of their hands. i'm weird. then again, maybe it's just because everyone i know is as broke as i am.

i really want a record player. i love weed. i like cooking for people and wish i had the money to do so more often. i can't believe it's thanksgiving time...and then there's christmas...and the wedding. a grand tour of reuniting will happen over a 10 day span and i don't know if i can take it all in.

i spent 8 hours of quality one on one time with my favorite newborn the other day and i can officially say there's nothing like the feeling of that little warm body passed out on my chest. i love how she smiles when she's being changed, as if she's not really aware that she's making those faces. i love her smell and how much she changes by the week and how simple she makes everything. i love how she finally truly conks out once her parents get home and she's officially safe again. i love what parenthood is doing to my favorite people on earth and wish more people could see this.

i also still really truly love modest mouse.

i was introduced to elliot smith the other night. amazing. and "rubber soul." also amazing.

i guess i should go see if my text messager is ready to drink yet.

it's really frusterating to me that initial reports(and therefore, really, the only ones to reach the mass population) said that the youth vote did not change since the 2000 election. that all that work was for nothing. and now that a week has passed and research has actually been done, they're finding that the youth vote was actually the largest percentage it's been...ever. mtv's whole 20 million thing? yeah we met that and beat it by a million.

maybe this is because the youth vote overwhelmingly went for kerry. 54%-44%.

that really truly rules.

more to come...

In the past 6 months, my outlook towards our culture has changed so much. It’s a culmination of things, but it’s largely based on 3 events in my life. The first, obviously, was moving here. Talking to people, existing in these surroundings and being encouraged to explore my intellectual side more than I already had. The second was reading two Daniel Quinn books. This has probably provoked the most inner transformation, as the awareness of this culture and how it’s come to be and just how immediate the need for change is has totally redefined how I view absolutely everything. Luckily, I’ve been surrounded by people who have also read these books and are able to articulately discuss them with me, thereby providing options for hope and survival and change. Third, you have this election business. Knowledge of just how far reaching the consequences of the "War on Terrorism" are and how important it is that we start changing things right this instant if we want to stick around for a bit combined with the new realization of just how absolutely selfish Americans can be has shaken me. Well, as much as an Aquarian is shaken, at least.

To be continued...

so...election day is tomorrow.

and i'm just kinda numb to at this point. my absentee ballot has been sent. i was lame as hell this weekend and didn't go to either of the days of volunteering i'd signed up for. yeah...that's bad. in my defense, i've got a cold and am trying to keep it manageable so that i can go to work and pay bills(mother fuckers), but still. i didn't call or anything because i kept telling myself "i'll feel well enough to make second shift." but no, i did not.

what do i do if bush wins again? fuck...i don't know. it'll be an interesting interesting sight all around the world, that's for sure. i don't want to face up to the fact that kerry has a chance. but that's just stupid because isn't hope the thing that defeats this climate of fear this country is so engrossed in?

i also am well aware that living where i do i'm not actually in reality. this city is amazingly progressive and liberal and signs and stickers are everywhere. granted, drive 15 minutes in any direction and those signs go away and the conservative blood becomes thick once again, but bush winning just doesn't seem like an option here.

again, though, even if kerry does win, bush is going to have a lot of support. and that just so consistently boggles my mind. and reminds me that politics in america is the equivalent of the world series - full of shameless pride and ridiculous agression. because the facts absolutely do not point towards rewarding this farce of a leader with another 4 years. he has screwed the entire world up the ass with a chainsaw.