i'm trying to recover enough from last night to go out tonight.

don't get me wrong - i have no intentions of actually drinking again tonight. and i actually feel ok. i'm just tired because for some reason i woke up at 8.30 this morning and couldn't go back to sleep.

i keep having nightmares. not like monsters and murderers nightmares, but like...anxiety nightmares. completely real-world situations with people who are actually in my life. in last night's dream, i was explaining to someone that i wasn't trying to be a bitch, i was just cranky because i kept having nightmares and wasn't sleeping well.

confusing as hell for those first few minutes when you're starting to wake up, and for a few seconds actually think the whole event in the dream happened.

or maybe that's just me.

i don't actually feel stressed out during the day. i'm pretty damned good actually. but these dreams are very interesting to me becasue of the level of anxiety they create before i realize it's just a dream and because of the people they involve on a regular basis. i'm going to have to watch this - or fix it!

in more exciting news, yes, i leave thursday. this trip is turning out to be completely off the hook. 14 days of constant change of location, kick-ass people, and i don't have to come home at ALL. now that it's all finally planned and dates are set transportation is confirmed and all that bullshit - i cannot fucking wait.

you could be my silver spring
blue green colors flashing
i would be your only dream
you're shining on an ocean crashing

and then you say she was pretty
and then you say that she loves you
baby i don't wanna know

i'll begin not to love you
turn around, see me running
i'll say i loved you years ago
tell myself you never loved me
but no

and then you say she was pretty
and then you say that she loves your
baby i don't wanna know

and then you tell me
was it worth it?
really i don't want to know

time cast a spell on you but you won't forget me
i know i could have loved you but you would not let me
i'll follow you down til the sound of my voice will haunt you
you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you

somebody's got to see this through
all the world is laughing at you
somebody's got to sacrifice

i don't even know what the last line of that verse is, but the way it is sung on this cd is amazing.

don't even ask what started me on a fleetwood mac kick.

but you are going to suffer the repurcussions.

reprecutions?

not a clue.

lonliness
like a heartbeat drives you mad
in the stillness of remembering
what you had
and what you lost

who says what you had
you know what you lost

lindsey buckingham is a god.
stevie nicks is my idol.
the chain will keep us together.
and that is all i have to say.

my life is officially back to "kicking ass" status. the trip is planned. and while i'm not going to be making Blues Traveler at Red Rocks for the 4th, that's a-ok. everything worked out really well - ended up with a cheap flight into chi-town AND a killer seat for the boulder show.

not quite sure when i'm coming home yet, but silly little details like that can be left out.

time to go bake in the sun some more.

note to self:
when you are going to be gone for (more than?) two weeks, PLAN FUCKING AHEAD OF TIME!!!!!!!

i leave next tuesday...or is it monday...for a string of shows. except this time i won't be coming home in between. which means we probably should have planned everything before now, but such is not the way of rachael and amanda.

it's ok.
it's gonna be so much damned fun. i really just can't even tell you.

i can't stop listening to "busted stuff."

and "sweet up and down."

i really with i had something more meaninful to say, but, alas, i do not.

i know she's gonna leave my broken heart behind her.

i think i'll go read. yeah. that's the ticket.

Peas in the valley ya'll.

i don't know why that made me laugh so hard. it just did. so i had to share.

it's really loosing it's funniness even as we speak.

damn. i hate it when that happens.

i just sent an email to rachael. and then i read it. and now i'm laughing my ass off(it's probably just me, though.)

and here it is, for your viewing pleasure:

wow. it is so cold in here. hence the subjeect line: so cold.

ahem.

god it's cold in here!

i go to collect my thoughts and BAM! all i can think is IT"S COLD!!!

i got my bowl tonight. of some very very kind kind stuff.

point being - gah. nick called again. and he just left. and therefore it is
my turn to write a 4 am email.

i'm actually not overanalyzing that much. and you don't know the nick story
so you are like "What the fuck?"" right now. but that's ok. because you'll
learn. and then this email will make sense.

or not.

but anyway. yeah. nick called again and we hung out and he just left
and...well, i just don't really care! lol. it's fucking weirding me out!
lol

anyway.
yeah.
cryptic much?

no, just stoned.

have fun at work!

the FREAK!

riiiiiiiiiiight, amanda.

i forgot to mention that i am pregnant.

well, no i'm not. but i was in my dream last night. and it was definitely not a good thing. especially because i fell off a balcony. and then i couldn't figure out how far along i was. and THEN i realized that i really just couldn't be pregnant because i hadn't had sex in months!

the moral of the dream?

i need sex. soon.

but not pregnancy.

because i'm not fond of falling off balconies.

thanks for your time.

went to a party last night with a group of people that totally rock the casbah. never really hung out with them before, but i had a blast.

i was introduced by my friend megan(ok. there are like 6 megan's in my life at this point. this is the megan from chicago who adores DMB) to everyone as "amanda dmb." uhm. i was referred to as "legendary" several times. apparently my little journeys get discussed in more circles than i was aware of. people were cracking my shit up. after over two and a half hours of talking about nothing but dmb to several different people, i thought i was going to die. but then they put crash on and my strength was renewed.

haha.
i'm really making fun of myself right now. for anyone who didn't catch that.

anyway. point is, i had a really good time. an arrowhead water cooler thing full of jungle juice and a keg. i smoked a pack of cigarettes. not that that illustrates my good time, i was just...uhm...stating the facts? er...i don't know...i need to...change the subject.

have i mentioned i can't buy anything but menthols? granted, they're ultra lights, but still...it's a terrible trend. i don't recommend it to anyone, because once you start smoking them everything else tastes like complete crap. you can't bum from other people because there's a 99% chance they do NOT have menthols, and then you end up wanting to throw said bummed cigarette away, but you can't because it was bummed...it's a vicious, vicious cycle i tell you.

i am so fucking hyper right now.

came home and finally got to talk to nate - praise. god.

then i went over to nick's because he wanted me to listen to the new 311 with him. good times, yo.

good times. 11/29/94. first rapunzel. completely instrumental.

i have a problem. yes, yes i do.

anyway. damn, nick and i have a good time together. such a shame...

he really has no ass. that boy is like...the perfect height but skiiiiiiiiiiiiiin and bones.

which is besides the point.

but what was the point?

uhm...

i need to go buy another spindle. THAT was the point.

ended up being a good night.

colin came and got me and we went to meet meg at the bar. i ended up seeing tons of people i haven't seen in forever(seems to be a common trend these days.) but this time i'm talking old old old school boys. the guy i obsessed over for a year when i was 16. meghan's first kiss-boy. the guy we all crushed over hardcore in 8th grade. my first crush. another guy who i used to goof around with in 10th grade hummanities... it was a blast. and then, of course, there's the guy who i was convinced was my soulmate for like 5 years. i only recently broke this train of thought when i moved into this appartment complex - he lives across the pool from me. we get along amazingly well and we hang out all the time now, but i no longer want him. what a concept. it was cool to be in a social situation with him tonight, though. our two worlds totally collided. it used to be that we'd see eachother out at a party or whatever, make eye contact, and then spend the rest of the night avoiding eachother. now...we make eye contact, and he comes over and hugs me and chit chats. he brought his friends over to our table tonight and we all meshed quite well.

heh.
he'll probably call when he gets home tonight.

anyway.

it's just so fucking good to see everyone. so much has happened and so much has changed and it makes the hugs that much more meaningful and the laughter that much more heart felt.

and to add to it, meg and i had them all being our bitches tonight. jobe was going on shot runs, and once he tired out it was colin to the rescue! let's hear it for kamakaze's(nice spelling, i know) and cocaine shooters!!! i love the fact that i spent $6 tonight. $4 for a cover charge, and then $2 for a beer for colin(for driving me). and somehow i had 4 shots and 3 beers. gotta love that whole being a girl thing...

i guess i'll go to bed now. screw waiting up for nick. it's been a long day and i need some zzzzzzzzzzz's.

wow...uhm...

fuck me.

things are incredibly stressful. incredibly. and as usual, i'm locking it all away. probably not a good thing - i should talk to someone. but that's who i am and that's what i do, so...it'll all catch up with me eventually and then there'll be one poor soul who happens to be around or online or on the phone when i loose it.

for now - keeping busy. seeing shite-loads of friends, running around like crazy. went to flagstaff last night for jack's 21st. i got to see my boy. it was a total blast. and colin is finally back. praise allah.

hehe
the best thing about colin? he is such a fucking pushover. i want to go to the bars tonight because a friend of mine asked me to join her and there will be some people there who i haven't seen in quite some time.

but i don't want to drive.

so i called colin up, asked him if he was going to join us(i had told him about it earlier). he said no. i asked why not. he gave some reason(i really wasn't listening) and i told him that he has to go because i need him to drive me.

haha.
i won.
it was that easy.

i'm going to get used to having him around, being my bitch and then he's going to leave again. wanker.

there is nothing quite like an arizona thunderstorm.

my brother tried to kill himself last night...overdosed on his anti-psychotics. this is just such a fucking mess i can't even grasp it. i have no clue what to do...not a fucking clue.

i'm getting really angry, though. i can tell you that much. but then i start thinking about his mindset and how hopeless this situation is, and i just want to lay down and cry.

such a strange night...

before i left the "& pub" i went to the bathroom. there was a piece of paper stuck to my foot(i was wearing flip flops. shocker.). it said:
"maybe the least we can do is just to see eachother through it..."

very interesting. a lyric? possibly. but i can't place it. and it really meant something to me...

other interesting events...

i've never had so many people come up to me and tell me that when i fall in love, or when i find a guy i really like, they(the person speaking) need to make sure that he is "deserving" of me. it was strange to hear it from the first person. but then another person pulled me aside and said the same thing. and then another...and then another...

these are all my highschool friends, mind you. watching out for my best interests. sweet, yes. but really weird, too.

then there was meghan. my old best friend who really just fucked me over(one of those girls who has smashed my trust.). she was drunk, and just kept hugging me, telling me she was sorry. which i can deal with. it was when she started telling me that i am her best friend that i started getting weirded out. i was like...uh...hi. we haven't talked in a year and a half. i'm not even going to pretend that we're semi-good friends, let alone best friends. sorry.

my friend nik told me that he's getting engaged this summer...i'm so happy for him. :) he's been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years, and i can honestly say that i don't know two people more well suited for eachother. one of those relationships that should give hope to all those struggling with long distance relationships...

i talked to aden about sean and his K problem. it really affected him more than i ever would have imagined. probably a good thing...but i felt bad none the less.

lastly, meghan(another one), meg, aden, dave and i went to nico's - this 24 hour mexican food place. it's pretty much the mecca of fucked-up-edness in tucson. me and meg got asked if we were mormon...???????? and then got offered joints by the same guys.

it was a good night.

and colin will be home TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

time to sleep.

hello, how are you doing today...

in the midst of christine's drunken babbling on the way home last night i had a little realization...

i've always had quite a few more guy friends than girl friends. one or two close girlfriends at a time, most of whom have dicked me over in some way or another. and then several really close guy friends and several more just good guy friends. but i'm looking around now, and i'm suddenly living a life filled with quite a few more girls than guys. i'm not saying it's a bad thing, because these girls fucking rule for the most part. it's just incredibly strange.

there's a total lack of cool guys in my life right now.

wait, no. i take that back. there's a total lack of cool guys in my life in tucson right now. i've met many guys in the past few months that are virtually perfect, and who i can't seem to stop praising. i just can't hang out with them on a daily, or even weekly basis.

there are several things going on right now that are bringing to the surface all of my trust issues. this whole girl thing is one of them. but i think it's good. things are really starting to come together, and i'm figuring myself out more and more every day.

yeah.
that's it.
(dork.)

mudslides from tgi friday's are swell.

let's hear it for catch-up conversations with rachael that completely exhaust me!!
woohoo!!!

maybe things in this screwball head of mine are a little clearer now, though.

or maybe not...

it is officially summer.

i always know summer is in full swing when i start seeing people from my highschool who a.) i haven't seen since i graduated or b.) i haven't seen since last summer. it's so strange to catch up on all of the gossip, find out where people are...hear names that i haven't thought about for 3 years...

i did find a new drinking buddy tonight, though. this girl meg who i knew in highschool who just graduated and is back for grad school. she's fucking cool. always a bonus.

i need a boy. stat.

BORED!

boredboredboredboredbored.

ew.

the word that defines my mood today. amazing how i can go from such a good mood last night to such a depressed mood today.

i need a job! i need to do something!

granted, i guess there are factors that pushed my mood to this level. that's what i get for thinking about things, though. i hate being a girl. i can't get away from over thinking and over complicating matters no matter how hard i try. it's ridiculous, really.

oh, and i hate girls too. they're just dumb. =)

went to see my highschool boys tonight. always fun. i adore those guys. heh. i adore them that much more now that i don't see them all the time. they just call randomly, and i show up - they're always excited to see me and eager to catch up. such a nice phenomenon that is.

what am i talking about?

eh, who knows.

two new girlfriends hanging out with them tonight. they really need to explain to their girlfriends that i'm not there to get it on with any of them. because i always end up pissing the girlfriends off when i get "too much" attention from the respective boyfriends. gotta love death glares.

fucking girls, man. i'm so glad i don't have to fall in love with one.

look, here are we
on this starry night staring into space
and i must say
i feel as small as nothin lying down here


i did it(again).

smoked a bowl and then put on pig.

*shaking head*

and since there's hardly anyone online, i feel like rambling here. because, well...my blog has not yet heard of my grand theory. :)

oh my. i've never heard this show before. i'm flippin, yo.

i could get all dramatic here about how good this is, but i'll just keep using nikki for that. :)

now i gotta start it over again so i can actually write about my theory.

the theory kind of stems from a conversation jack and i had once about getting more people to listen to dmb, because if we could just force it on them they would end up loving it and therefore everyone would be happier...

so one day while stoned, i listened to pig. this was the first time i'd ever listened to it live and i was floored by it. i was so caught up in the moment, and my stoner brain started turning, and i realized that if we could just put everyone in the world into a stadium and have dmb play pig ONCE, world peace would be achieved.

is this not enough?
this blessed sip of life is it not enough
staring down at the ground
oh complain and prey god please more from above
you greedy little pig
just stop watch the world trickle away
oh it's no problem now
we'll all be dead and gone in a few short years

just love will open our mind...

and as for the people who absolutley COULD NOT listen, who hated it as passionately as everyone else would love it...well...they would just kill themselves. it'd be a small price to pay.

heh.

and there you have it. my grand theory.

hmm...can't really tell you about my dream last night. but it was pretty damned good.

aaaaah, dreaming tree.

i just got a lovely shipment of shows from a nice little trade. the obsession continues...

i did have something that i wanted to write here. and now i've forgotten. blast.

now progress takes away
what forever took to find
and now he's falling hard
feels the falling dark
how he longs to be
beneath his dreaming tree
a conquered fear to climb
a moment froze in time
when the girl who first he kissed
promised him she'd be his

ah, the wonder that is the dreaming tree. such a wonderfully complex song - musically, lyrically...i've always appreciated it, but in the past few months i've really fallen in love with it. i'd go so far as to say that it is the best song on that album. move over pig...i'm headed for a dreaming tree campaign. yeah right.


do not deny
i know in my mind
i would leave you now
if i had the strength to
i would leave you up
to your own devices
will you not talk
can you take pity
i don't ask much
but won't you speak
please

from the start
she knew she had it made
easy up til then
for sure she'd make the grade
adorers came in hordes
to lay down in her wake
she gave it all she had
but treasure slowly faded
now she's falling hard
she feels the falling dark
how did this fall apart
she drinks to fill it up
a smile as sweet as flowers
wilted so and sour
black tears stained the cheeks
that once were so admired
she thinks when she was small
there on her fathers knees
how he had promised her
you'll always be my baby
daddy come quick
the dreaming tree has died
i can't find my way home
there is no place to hide
the dreaming tree has died


oh, if i had the strength to
i would leave you up
to your own devices
will you not talk
can you take pity
i don't ask much
but won't you speak
please

take me back...
save me please...


oh god. completely unbelievable. everyone needs to go listen to this song now. in fact, i think after i get back from my mom's(spaghetti for dinner! yay!) i'm going to smoke a bowl and listen again. maybe i'll hit up the entire show, though. hehe. 7/17/99. yum yum YUM.

i FINALLY got to talk to my jack today. bastard finally called. i miss him so damned much. but i get to see him next week for his 21st so it's all good. i'm burning a shiteload of shows for him - vegas, phoenix, a few acoustic and a few others that have yet to be decided on.

ohohoh! and colin comes home next week too! my best friend who goes to school in chicago. i haven't seen him since the beginning of january. i don't really miss him that much when he's gone because i don't think about it. but when it gets close to time for him to come home i start going a little zaney. we've been friends since freshman year in highschool, and while we're polar opposites we just love eachother to death. colin hugs are way up there in the ranks of people i love to hug.

my dream last night involved tom cruise and nicole kidman. go figure.

i lived in a housing development, and it was revealed a short way into the dream that nicole kidman lived next door. except she had become a prisoner of her home because tom had gone mental and was stalking her, trying to get in. i somehow ended up in her house, with tom - but she was nowhere to be found. tom was absolutley psychotic. there were other people there, but i can't remember who, only that tom was completely off his rocker looking for nicole.

it was a weird fucking dream.

i've been writing in my journal for a while now...just random memories from the west coast run. that seems like the best way to do it, because every time i sit down to chronologically write down everything that happened, it becomes overwhelming.

but i'm copying some posts i wrote to the freak list, and inserting memories, piecing the events together...

i am so fucking lucky. heh.

the people that i have been spending time with are just so fucking amazing. yes, i know i've said it before. but taking all the events into account, i am once again knocked on my ass. the time i've spent with these people has been stress free and perfectly comfortable with only one small exception. and that tiny flaw served a purpose. i experienced the situation handled and immediately resolved in a way that made my overall security and trust with this group of people skyrocket, making one relationship much stronger and weeding out another that i'm probably better off without anyway.

i've used this expression before...that i love someone to bursting. i've said it about a few people. it's one of those expressions that i wish i would have saved, because DUDE. i love these people to bursting! hehe. and really, it's only helping me in the other aspects of my life.

when the world ends, you know
that's what's happening now
i'm gonna be there with you somehow

there's so many individual little memories that make me smile. specific hugs, kisses, sayings, looks, how we can all just sit in a room listening to music and groove, walks down the street, card sessions in smoky rooms, smoking sessions in smoky rooms, beer runs, pizza deliveries, security encounters, irish peni...

gotta make the most of this, yo.

fall back again...

listening to 5/27(thank you shayna) seek up. yum.

every night since vegas, i have had some sort of "freak" dream. by that i mean a dream that involves a concert, freak friends or any combination of the two. the exception being this past weekend when the only time i did sleep it was a dead, drunken passed out kind of sleep.

last night though, it was supposedly a hotel where all the freaks were staying. but the only person i can remember being there(vividly. very very vividly.) is john. and he sure as hell is NOT a freak. but i'm pretty sure i know why he's entering my dreams.

things back home are pretty fucking bad right now. it's a rude awakening. i mean, there are many good things - one of which is the fact that i hung out with matt and christine last night and things finally felt good with matt again. he's stopped flipping out about me "having other friends".

hold on. dave is wailing. god bless seek up.

ok, anyway. so let's break it down. in one corner, we have "chris's house." chris's house used to be a fun place for all to play. now it's become a K house. by K, i mean Special K - cat tranquilizers. i've got several friends(though...well...they're not really friends anymore, but whatever) who are in over their heads. doing lines of K that span the entire plate and are as thick as a cigarette. every night.

but for sean, and old friend of mine from highschool, it's what he lives off of. morning, noon and night. he looks like hell(though i haven't seen him in quite a while as i never go over there.) thing is, sean has a lot of mental problems as it is. he's manic. he was put in a hospital many years back, though the reasons were never made clear to me. sean really has no one.

here's the kicker(for me at least.) sean's best friend was john. john...fuck. john used to be that person in my life who i loved more than anything, and he totally fucked me over. i knew that it was a possibility he'd do it to sean as well, but i didn't actually think he would. well, he has. and this K problem has gotten about 10 times worse ever since john left town. it's heart breaking.

unfortunately, i don't feel like i have any room to do anything because i have been out of the picture for a good 6 months solid now. but none of sean's friends will do anything either. every person in that house is going down with this drug, and...it's really getting to me. i'm strongly considering trying to get ahold of john because i quite frankly don't know who else can intervene. sean's parents don't give a flying fuck(his dad took him to the hospital last week because he had some sort of mild seizure orsomething after doing a line. sean TOLD him he had been doing K...and...well, nothing has happened.)

gah. i just don't know.

then there's anoother subdivision of my old group of friends who have become total cokeheads. mainly it's just my old roommate brian who i'm worried as hell about. i was pretty sure coke was the culprit when he stopped calling and hung his head shamefully ever time he saw me. but i've had confirrmation as of late and...DAMN. brian is 27 years old, hanging out with a bunch of 19 year olds who are blitzed out of their minds at every passing second.

i have SERIOUS coke/meth issues. i can't fucking stand them. i'm not a tight ass when it comes to drugs, and i've done my fair share. but i've dealt with the repercussions of these drugs with other friends before and...well, quite frankly, coke use pisses me off. the only thing that gets me frenzied more is meth.

fuck. i've got a month until i leave town again. i guess i'll turn into "fix it amanda" again and see if there's anything i can do, because everyone else has taken this "i'mnot going to get involved" attitude.

oh, then there's my brother. haha. yeah, that situation's pretty fucking bad as well. things between him and my mom are at a bursting point. his sickness is getting worse, he's depressed as all hell, he's got some OTHER kind of mental disease where he constantly convinces himself he has a disease(the latest being HIV.).

sick stuff, i tell you.

ok, this has gotten long. but i'm glad to have gotten some of it out - though the complexities are far from being revealed.

despite it all, my mood remains bright. i am already itching to move, though. it's hitting harder and quicker than i ever thought it would. and i've got two years of school left...

don't worry...about a thing...cuz every little thing is gonna be alright...

still in D.C. or virginia. or wherever the hell i am. yeah.

and i really have no clue when i'll end up going home. tomorrow is the scheduled time...but then there are those pressuring me to go to NY for the giants run. my thinking on the matter is that if it works out, it works out. i didn't pack extra clothes on purpose - to try and dissuade myself from giving into the pressures that i knew were going to be put upon me. that was really stupid of me. now i'll just end up in new york for 3 days with a shortage of clothes. all hail laundromats.

john mayer friday night...ah, the thrill of falling in love again. ;) he really is an incredible performer...there is nothing like watching a man with music as passionate as his singing and playing in the flesh. at one point, he asked the audience if he could just start fucking around, as if he were in his room or something. he started playing "lover lay down." i had my hand over my mouth, whispering "oh my god" through the whole thing. magic, i tell you. especially when he went straight into "no woman no cry." can i get a hell yeah?!

and then there was afterwards. i have decided that jen needs to come with me to every concert - she is the reason we ended up pretty much hanging out with john for about a half hour after the show. it was pretty damned cool if you ask me - just shooting the shit, talking about every day crap in addition to the music. after the tucson show, i had decided that i didn't want to talk to him again. he was extremely cool to me there - same type of deal, just talking about random things(though it mostly centered around the musc). but after that, i heard some stories about him that hinted at a pretty enlarged ego. so i just wanted to keep that memory of him...but, uh, i have to say that this last encounter only helped my opinion of him.

oh, and he did say he recognized me. always a bonus.

the show last night was pretty good. really good, actually - a realization i came to only after hearing the pull afterwards. but the crowd sucked. and there's nothing more frustrating than a sucky crowd. at least i didn't get pissed on(happened. in vegas. during the intro to recently. fucker.)

for now...back to bumming around i go. word up, peace out, yo yo yo.

something's better on the other side...

i've got so much going on in my head right now it is absolutley insane. just about...everything. i really should write about it - but i haven't touched my journal or this thing for that matter. i'm not really talking about it - but i should! because it's not morose, depressing thoughts, it's all good. there's just so much to talk about!

(yes, i am quite the dork. this has already been established. thank you.)

which brings me to the one bad thing that i'm coming to notice more and more. growing apart from good friends is a difficult thing. it is when i have all these thoughts in my head that i realize just how little in common i have with a few of my once very dear friends - because i find it so difficult to talk to them about it all. wait, no, i'm finding it impossible to talk to them about it. granted, there are several older relationships in my life that are going extremley well right now. and i'm getting closer to a couple of people around here who i really adore - always a plus. but it makes the space between those few people that much more prominent.

yes, it was difficult not to type the space between US back there. just in case you were wondering.

(but i digress)

(and i'm listening to john, which is distracting me. gotta go back and read what i wrote so i can continue.)

(stoned much, amanda?)

the point is - i'm talking about one of my ex roommates, and another girl who i've been good friends with for about a year now. and i know that matt and i will stay friends for a long time, even if we end up going our own ways. we've been through too much together. but maggie and i...i don't know. and i think that she's the kind who will become very bitter. she's already starting to flip about the fact that i'm not hanging out with her and matt on a nightly basis, sitting around smoking weed. but that's not really who i am at this point...i like going out with different people. there's so many relationships i'm really working on right now. and i like staying home occasionally,too. and i don't really see a problem with that...it just means growing pains for the people who are used to having me around all the time(and who have felt threatened by the amount of time i've been away in the past month or so...that's a whole other issue though.)

i do miss jack, too. my other ex roommate who left for the summer right before i went to vegas, and who i haven't heard from.

ok, see what happens. "man on the side" comes on, and POOF! the mood of the writing changes.

hehe.
i'm going to see john mayer tomorrow night.

right on. the smile has returned.

time to pack!

well, boys and girls, it appears that i'll be joining the ranks of freaks in DC this weekend for a show at RFK.

my justification? well...i think the world might end or something in the near future. yeah. that's it. gotta cram shows in so that when judgement day comes...

i'm broke. :)

(weirdo)

i'm totally grossed out by the fact that Home Alone just made me cry.