from the paper journal late night last thursday...

intoxicate, moving wine to tears...

i made the decision tonight that i am staying here. i said it out loud. i've known it for a while now, but i haven't been able to say it out loud - only hint at the possibility - and even those occasions have been rare.

but i was at bob's and stoned and watching some old school dmb videos...so of course the epiphanies started rolling in...

god. i am so scared to do it. it makes so much financial sense...and so much sense as far as my health is concerned. but there's still that part of me clinging to this other reality.

it's so complicated. but i know it's what i have to do for now.

it was just one of those nights where the music reached so far down into my soul...that i knew that i'm going to be ok no matter what.(hey, i need reassurance a lot lately.)

what point could there be troubling?
head down, wondering what will become of me
why concern, we cannot see
but no reason to abandon it
time is short
time
that's alright
maybe i'll go out in the middle of the night
take your hands from your eyes, my love
all good things must come to an end sometimes
so don't burn the day

i felt it so strongly during "pig" on the drive home. i have to do whatever it takes to get back to that point where i can live life to its fullest - the way i want to live it, and the way i'm used to living it. i want to get through all of this bullshit so that i can have that "first concert after It All Happened" experience and feel it coursing through my veins and feel the change and feel that healing that always comes at the first concert after something big has happened.

and because i have decided to stay, i have to make myself make the best of it. that's going to be the hard part. when i'm living this carefree lifestyle where everything is going my way, its so easy to abide by the whole "don't burn the day" motto. now's the test of that mindset. it's going to be a short time that i'm here, but it's 3 more months that i can't get back and i have to make the best of them.

yes. following through with that is going to be the hard part.

but you know...i'm too damned passionate about life not to do that, even when i'm facing "limits."

ooda. this decision is going to make me emotional. overdramatic. that's what some would think if i told them about it. but good god, all i have wanted since this whole ordeal started was to go home. and i'm choosing to put it off more. and to stay in this place where i've come to so many harsh realizations about who i've considered my friends...

i really just cant even begin to put it down on paper...but then again, i guess that's why this massive journal i started 2 days before surgery is now half way full.



i woke up the next morning incredibly nervous and anxious. it's since subsided. i still haven't told my mom...don't ask me why. i just keep dodging the subject, though she's gotta know something's up because i'm supposed to be going back in 2 weeks. i think i still will go back, to see jack, and to go through my stuff and pack up my car. whether or not i'll be driving it back remains to be seen. all i know is i better get that bad boy down here soon because i'm dying without a car.

so yes. more time in tucson.

the positives: don't have to worry about rent and electric and water bills and all that stuff. free food. i get to spend more time with the boys and go to their hockey games which start up next week(my whole highschool life sometimes seems like it was comprised of going to their hockey games and colin's baseball games. i can't wait to see them all try to skate after 4 years...and fall on their asses. i'll be there with camera in hand.). i get to go see o.a.r. and matt nathanson twice instead of just once. i get to sleep in a real bed for a bit longer instead of going back to my air mattress. i get to get a job and save money so i can start paying off these nasty credit card bills. and of course, i get to spend more time with the few people who have become very very important to me here...

oh, and i get to stay with my dog for a while longer. i love her to death. :)

i decided i really really wanted to watch "american beauty." i get cravings for movies that won't go away. well, in all actuality, i wanted to watch "almost famous" but i can't. but that's an entirely different story.

so i decided to go to the blockbuster that's about 15 minutes away because i have some late fees there that my mom offered to pay. so i get there, and the damn movie is out(though there's about 7 copies of "almost famous" right next to it.).

so i leave and decide to go to another blockbuster closer to home. but then greg calls, and tells me he has it. so even though he lives on the opposite side of the world, i decide to go get it from him. save the 3 bucks or whatever it is.

get to greg's, he walks out to my car and hands me the dvd.

yeah, see, i don't have a dvd player. oops.

so i hit up one more blockbuster on the way home and they didn't have it either.

so i gave up and am now watching the anna nicole show.:)

so here i am, happy laying in bed, reveling in all these good things that are going on right now. or at least one good thing that's going on. smiling at how i'd forgotten the comfort of falling asleep cuddled up next to someone. little things like holding hands and snuggling.

then i go check out headlines. and i am just totally disgusted. i saw a comic yesterday, which i can'tfind at the moment, which basically refers to bush after he's passed these unbelievable laws he's going for(that the american public simply must not be paying attention to) as a dictator. and it's striking way too close to home.

do me a favor, please? keep yourself informed. pay attention to the news and ask questions and speak out if you feel the need. i know i've got way to much life in me to give it up to some terrible war that seems to be brewing just below the surface right now, and that the people who we elect to speak for us are supporting.

ok. you know what i hate? when youve got multiple IM conversations going on and you send something to the wrong person. just not good at all.

just saw dave on the vh1 sexiest list thingie majanger.

now i just feel like listening to dmb ballads.

"his sexiness rests on his talent."

i suppose there's lots of stuff going on right now that i could blog about. but i just don't feel like it! :)

I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!


lol.

oh and i read a lot too.

the idiot girls' action-adventure club by laurie notaro.

it ain't tom robbins, but it's an easy read and pretty entertaining.

holy mary mother of god, i was productive today.

apart from my tri-weekly chiropracter apointment, i shaved my legs.

and that's it.

nah, just jokin.

i went through and sorted all my medical bills and paired them up with the insurance claims and startedmaking a list of what's due to who by when. i was kinda annoyed because i don't have excel on this computer and a spreadsheet would come in MOST handy for this.

i also called to cancel my phone and cable and internet - which should have been done a while ago. that's a lot of waiting on the phone for customer service, though. let me tell you. especially since i had to be transferred like 20 times.

in addition, i chose today as my "well enough to start treadmillin' it" day. after experiencing how exhausted i was after walking around the mall yesterday, i decided my body now needs exercize way more than rest.

i ALSO listened to TONS of music(we wont even discuss that as every day passes i dig phish more than the day i did before and realize just what i'm gonna be missing at that damned nye show) and wrote pretty furiously.

and it's only 5pm.

oh, and i washed dishes :)

i cannot wait for fucking niles and daphne to get fucking married. and i don't even fucking watch frasier. but if i see the preview with that fucking shania twain song in it one more fucking time i'm going to fucking....do SOMETHING drastic.

;)

i've got so much swimming through my head right now it's getting hard to breathe.

i want to go back to seattle. so fucking badly. i have so many issues with so many things about this place. the people, the surroundings, the drama, the weather, the absolute lack of any type of music scene. it kills me to think about staying here for any longer than i am planning right now.

but on the other hand, i have no money. going back to seattle would mean paying rent and trying to find a job, which took me over 2 months last time. i don't think it would be that long this time...

plus, i'm scared to death. as scared as i am of what staying in tucson would do to me mentally, i'm scared of leaving. i've become dependant - which is a fucking hard thing for someone as fiercely independant as i am. i am not better. i've got a long road ahead of me, and i'm facing permanent disability to some extent.

there's just SO many conflicting thoughts and i don't know how to make a decision.

I am: an aquarian. to the T
I think: i am too wide awake for 3:15am
I know: i know what it feels like to be alone, and i know, i know what it feels like to be at home(quoting o.a.r. there folks)
I want: a good kissing session.
I have: 3 baby teeth under which there are no permanent teeth.
I wish: i was in love.
I hate: not being able to reach out for someone.
I miss: seattle.
I fear: heights.
I hear: coyotees. right outside my door. they're freaking me the fuck out, yo.
I wonder: why the hell people think that war is the only way to peace.
I regret: er...um...hmm...can't think of anything. god, i hope it stays that way.
I love: deep conversations. and the thrill of getting to know someone.
I ache: all down the side of my right leg.
I care: about what's going on with the situation with iraq.
I always: play with my nails.
I am not: a pedophile.
I dance: with carefree abandon. and not enough these days.
I sing: with all my heart.
I cry: morelately than ever before.
I do not always: wash my hands after i piss. :)
I write: in all capital letters.
I win: you lose.
I lose: you lose too.
I confuse: myself if i think too much.
I listen: without bias.
I can usually be found:on my bed. lol
I need: sex. yes. sex. that would be great.
I am happy about: being able to open up to someone.
I should: let people know how i feel about them more often.

i am so frickin happy right now.

i am just so. fucking. happy. right now.

don't ask me why. i can't explain these things. it might be because i just finished the best book ever. it might be because i've spent the last hour dancing around my room to dmb videos. it might be a combination of a few other things that have gone on ths week.

but who cares? i feel like myself. and i treasure the moments when that happens more than ever.

and i think i'll go out tonight :)



(sssssh. i think amanda might be slowly resurfacing. don't tell.)

oh my good holy god. i just turned on the tv just as the wonderland video was starting. and i am uncontrollably laughing.

ok, i'll admit, it's laughing at him with a little bit of giggling thrown in because let's face it - he does have amazing lips. but, uh...oh god. it's just so damned funny!!! aaaaaaaaah!!!! and now it's over and i STILL can't stop laughing!!!!

ahahahahahahaa.

mayer the popstar. this is so fucking weird.

bah.

this whole not being able to sleep thing just isnt working that well for me. i think i'm tired. i turn off the lights. and then i'mwide awake. or can't get comfortable because of some new ache.

i've gotta recondition my body into sleeping without help from drugs, and it's fucking hard, yo! ;)

whoa.

i started reading a book tonight called "the quiet room" by lori schiller and amanda bennett. it is the story of a woman's decent into madness, really. she actually suffers from the same disease as my brother - schitzo-affective disorder. think schitzophrenia meets bipolar.

anyway. i started it tonight and realized i had to finish it tonight. there was no way i could have stopped in the middle and expected to sleep. it was far too horrifying and even now that i've finished i'm having a hard time breathing. it is written not just by her, but by her family members and doctors, with excerpts from her medical files and journal.

i really just have no words for this book. and for the fact that after all that this woman went through, she is doing ok now.

yeah.

i'm gonna try and sleep now.

i'm nervous and scared. because i have a doctors appointment tomorrow. a check up. and they've been making me really anxious as of late, because it never seems to be good news. but right now...yeah. just really really nervous.

feels like lightening running through my veins every time i look at you

last night's dream...let's see if i can still catch this one...

yes, once again, it was at starlake. of course, it looked completely different than the starlakes in my previous dreams. once again, we were at the front. who "we" was at that time, i really couldn't tell ya. there was no band, though. just dave. and i know we weren't supposed to be in the front row, but we ended up there. and there was this huuuuuge open space in front of the front row, on the left side, where we were.

anyway. again, the crowd was weird. not very into it. so much so that the first few rows weren't even filled, and there was just a spattering of people throughout the venue. dave walked out on stage, and did something. left the stage, and when he came back out he brought fred durst withhim. they came over to the left of the stage and sat down on stools in the spotlight to give us some kind of performance. at this point, maggie came down from the back of the venue(strange guest appearance.).

there was all kinds of interactions with dave that i can't remember now. he was rather melancholy. and there was a lot of important conversation. i think the melancholyrevolved around the end of the tour maybe? and being home and not knowing what to do with himself. or something.

so anyway, we went back to mel's. the only people i remember at this point are myself, mel, lisa and dave, though i know i talked to ashley at some point...it might have been over the phone though. i remember looking at my surroundings and taking a walk and being so relieved that i was home. in washington. i came back from my walk and wanted to tell dave all about everything. but i couldn't.

there was so much going on in this dream that i can't remember. blatant symbols and very good conversation. there's not usually a lot of words in my dreams, just understanding of what's going on. but this one was different. it was still very very vivid though. and not as depressing as it sounds. it was a rather peaceful feeling,actually.

i am officially obsessed. and after spending the evening going through different versions of captain i've compiled the lyrics into my "perfect" version. though really i'll take any one i can get. this song...shit...how did i put it in the paper journal?

never has a song spoken of more consuming love and lust and need and just the absolute best that sex can be.

anyway. here it is.

crazy as i may make my way through this world
it's for no one but me to say what direction i should turn in now
because i am the captain of this ship
curious hands and fingertips
day after day
i swear i long for you like crazy
oh, how i long

strange, but it seems
as though a mutiny is brewing inside of me now
but i don't want your pity
only the promise that you'll stay with me tonight

i am the captain of this ship
curious hands and kissing lips
day after day
oh i long for you like crazy
oh, i love how you do me
oh, my love
come on, let's go again
oh, i love everything
i want you
play with me again
we've got all night

it's the same old song
won't you come stay
all my life
after all

how could i try to find my way out of the promise in your eyes
oh mesmerized by your smile
the way it lights up under your eyes
love, how could i
i try and try to run from you holding me


oh i love how you do me
oh my love, come on let's go again
oh, i love everything about you

stay with me again
we've got all night

it's the same old song
won't you come play
all my life
after all


rise up, get it all
rise, my lovers sigh
rise up all day long
under the hope of you


oh, i love how you do me
oh, my love, come on let's go again
oh i love everything
i want you
stay with me again
we've got all night

it's the same old song
won't you come dance with me, my love
after all

aaaaaaaaaah sacramento stone.

"i'm down on my knees wishing i'd dissapear"

oh, and now it's nissan captain. for the love of fuck.

i love the "random" function on cd players.

uh oh. watch out. i'm rediscovering dmb.

not that i'm saying a day goes by that i don't listen to them...at least one song. but...oofda. don't ask me to explain myself! just understand!

sheesh.

i'm listening to the first phish show i ever went to, because i'm a badass and found some wonderful person to b/p it for me. it's good. and bringing back some kick ass memories. and who'da thunk that they played my current obsession song atthe first show i was out. my shroomed out mind sure as hell doesn't remember it.

but anyway. good stuff, good stuff.

wow.

i was just digging through old freak posts looking for pictures from bonnaroo(which i then realized are only on my computer at home.) and i realized, as i neared the beginning of july's posts, that the 'roo was just a few weeks before i came back here. and there's all these posts from less than a week before i officially got stuck here.

not to sound tragic, but i was so carefree in these posts. talking about how i still needed tickets for all these shows i was planning on going to, whichi never made it to...mel and lisa's weddding, which i never made it to...

and about the decision to move back to tucson in september. this weekend, to be exact.

it is fucking incredible just how quickly your entire life can completely change.

my last day in seattle, i was a bitch. i was moody and depressed and anxious. and i went to see howie, which is quite the fitting ending for that time in my life, i suppose...

oooooooooooooh. matthew fox from party of five is on a new series.

phenomenal.

maybe he'll even move away from whineycharlie.

in other news...people came over last night.i got quite drunk and quite stoned and therefore had quite a good amount of fun. i'm questioning even more now than i was before, which is just great.

ireally just have no clue what mycourse of action is gonna be in the next few months.

sprained my ankle again. just got done with more quality time in the ER. it was a very frusterating experience that i intend on writing about later, but for now, lemme just talkabout the JOKE that is the emergency room.

so i get there, and i'm like...hey, i can't be sitting for more than a few minutes at a time because i just had back surgery. i can stand for a short period before my nerve pain gets too bad, but with this ankle thing it'll be hard. so they say sorry and hand me a bag of ice. so my mom asks, about 20 minutes later if we can get a pillow or two since theyve made it clear no beds will be available for a while. chairs in the waiting room are set up in sets of two, and we figure if ican lay down and put my knees up over the armrests, witha pillow underneath, i'll be ok. because i'd sat way too much at that point and standing was beyond painful. they say no.

so my mom's friend brings a bunch of pillows in.

it was so ridiculous. they said the only way i could get a bed was if i called an ambulance. i mean...ok, i realize they may not have had an open bed, but...gr....it was just frusterating.

i bet they liked it even more when i stopped crying and started laughing deleriously not to mention loudly.

3 sprains in 2 months.

but i am SO FUCKING GLAD it's not broken. i could not have worn a cast because the neurosurgeon needs to be able to check my reflexes and such.

i love laying in bed. it's fantastic.

fuckinfuckerofafuckinankle.

next time it's friday the fucking 13th would someone please remind me not to move?

this sprain hurts faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar worse than the previous ones. my poor ankle.

yay. more medical bills.

i can't remember the last time i got less than 2 in the mail. and guess what. they're all due NOW.

ok. i'm done.

ow.

just fucking ow.

so much for no more meds. i'm taking them all tonight. fucking sciatic nerve. what does "them all" consist of? neurontin, valium, vicodin and ibuprofin. yup. gotta be good for me.

it was a good day today, though. good things happened. the only reason i cried was because i watched the episode of ER where dr. green dies. i danced to dmb for the first time in a long time(i know what you're thinking. but it was not enough dancing to cause this pain.) i babbled to megan when she came over. good talk with megs. good talk with mel. good message from jack. had to step on the scale about 10 times because it says i've lost 6 pounds since last time i checked which was less than a week ago. which can't be a bad thing.

but now. pain. wanna sleep. but no. pain.

focker.

i avoided the television for the most part yesterday. for the most part i was sickened by ads for products capitalizing on the tragedy that is now known as 9/11.

but.
i did happen to turn on letterman just as clinton was coming on stage. i wish i could remember everything he said. it was so nice..wait, no...it was exhilerating to hear someone speak who knows what the hell he's talking about. and he wasn't reading from a teleprompter. i'm not denying that he probably prepared for his appearance, but the man actually knows what's going on and had opinions on so many matters that actually Make Sense. while there were a few comments that led to a kind of "i got things accomplished when i was in there" feel, he was not disrespectful to bush at all and i think was supportive, while actually helping the public who was watching to understand so many things in such greater detail.

at one point letterman was like "sir, i think you still are the president."

i fucking wish.

i wish he'd speak out more.

i'm listening to nissan. again. i fucking love this band. it's so far beyond words i don't even know why i try.

heh.

where would YOU be without the dave matthews band? ;)

i had such a good breakthrough today...

*sigh of relief*

oofda.

i decided that since i'm treating my body really really well as far as what i eat and drink, i should just quit the pain meds cold turkey.

i don't have words to describe what have got to be withdrawl headaches. they started yesterday...or the day before(i've totally lost track of my days) and have peaked tonight. forget back pain or sciatic pain. these things are unreal. so much so that i have had to rethink the cold turkey thing. ibuprofin does nothing to mute the pain and one can only endure so many hours...so i took a vicodin. tomorrow will see me researching how to beat painkiller addictions. i know i'm in the early stages, i just need a little reassurance and to know what the best way to go about weening myself is. it's not like i've abused my perscriptions at all. i've been way under dose eveery day. but still...3 weeks of vics and valium...not so good.

not helping the whole insomnia bit, but that's ok because there's lots of interesting stuff on tv. i was watching this medical miracles show. definitely brings some optimism to my life to see a man who lost his eyes and nose and upper palate to some flesh eating fungus and had a prosthetic face made. and i watched inside the actor's studio 100th show. and now i'm watching an oh so enlightening program on atomic weapons...from shelters and so on.

but at least my headache is down to a tolerable level.

i guess.

have i mentioned that i'm getting reiki treatments from my mom's friend? i'm really intereted in learning about it myself, so i read through a training manual and did a treatment on myself today. it is some very cool stuff. and it does help with these headaches to some extent, but so far i've found it to be very temporary.

i'm a mess. such a mess. fuck this aura of strength that i'm so well known for. it's not holding up right now. this is all just so overwhelming and frusterating at some times.

and i sure as hell ain't calling gorge goers cuz i'm not gonna be the cause of ruining that vibe.
and i sure as hell ain't calling anyone here because...


because i don't fucking know.

ugh.

jusst...having a really hard time at the moment.

forget one day at a time. i've got to take it one hour at a time. and that makes the tedium of 3 monthsthat much more pronounced.

i was just reading through my past few dreams...there are several recurring themes that i realized off the bat.but the broadway songs one? that is just beyond me.

oh good god. last night's dream way by far the funniest i have had in a long long time. once i got to sleep around 4 that is...

so check it.

i was starting my 10 show tour(yes, my mind is completely tour obsessed right now.) at starlake(yes, it's a common theme). but this time it was actually an amphitheater. we went to our seats...can't remember who i was sitting with. very very good seats. and it became veery apparent that dave was very into the show.

there were these wooden steps that led up to the stage, and a few people(alethea and sarah are the only ones i can remember) walked up them, past the band and through this door that led backstage. i got up with whoever my seat partner was and we followed soon after. nothing much was going on backstage, but i could barely hear the band and i knew it was a really good performance. so i said fuck it, even though i didn't want to interrupt the show, and walked back out onstage and down the wooden steps to my seat, minus my seat partner.

dave was chatting up a storm with the crowd during the breaks, and the songs were in top form.

then it was time for a little interlude by the opening act: britney spears.

ok. this is where it all gets a bit out of control.

it was britney meets phantom of the opera. at first, at least. we're talking opera singer playing the role of carlotta, but britney's dancers in the background. it was musical inside a dmb show. it started getting really really weird. the storyline, that is. like weird ghouls coming out and dancing. i remember looking around at the audience who had at first been entertained, who were now looking around like "whaaat the fuck" and sinking lower and lower into their seats. then i realized i too had sunk pretty low in my seat, but i kept telling myself "at least it's a two night stand. hopefully this wont be in the set tomorrow night." and then i started realizing that the sunkenintheseat position i was in was probably terrible for my back(itwas almost mimicing the position i was actually sleeping in - on my side.)

the ghouls were still dancing, with dmb's lighting scheme of course, when my mom woke me up. and i just started cracking up and blurting things out about dmb with britney and phantom of the opera as an opening act.

yup yup yup.

to his credit though, this crowd is genuinely interested for the most part. the boy IS talented. i love it when artists get big for the right reasons. god knows he's not picture perfect, but i'd do him.

hell. i'd do just about anyone at this point.

but that's besides the point.

and partially untrue as well.

man, i'm always buzzin just like neon. neon.

ugh. my stomach is growling.

i wonder how long i can go before i burn away.

ican't wait to get home to my cd's. i'm dying to listen to inside wants out.

word.

oh man, i'm dyin here.

so i can't sleep. for the life of me. it's a combination of things, and i'm sure a large part of it is the fact that this is the first time in a long time i've gone a day without taken valium. or vicodin. took the nervekillerdrug earlier today, and that would definitely make me sleep but fuck it.

anyway. so i turn on the tv and there's the mayer boy on mtv. the concert i missed when it was aired last week. it is cracking me the fuck.

but can i say how pleased i am to see that john looks like shit even for an mtv performance? that's my boy. you show 'em, johnny boy. (hey. i love him. i'll talk all kinds of shit whenever i want.)

the audience is also cracking me up. the girls at the front of the stage...for wonderland they're singing along looking all dreamy eyed. then georgia comes on and all these girls in the back are INTO it, singing along and dancing and what not. and these girls in the front are looking around cluelessly, doing that "try to mouth the words" thing. it was fucking great. and then no such thing comes on and theystart dancing and squealing and clapping.

have i mentioned lately how glad i am that 7 of my 9 or 10 mayer experiences were pre-squealyteenyboppers? good lawd. granted, west coast crowds are generally better than east coast crowds as far as that goes in most circumstances(LA is it's own area. i do not count LA), but...well, he's now a pop star.

hehe. but i love the close ups of the girls who i KNOW look as dorkily into it as i do when i see him.

aaaaaw. i miss my mayer.

damn, i was spoiled.

i miss my howie too.

yeah. i really can't sleep. not thati'm not

tired. i just can't sleep.

so i know you're all dyingto know what last nights dream was about.

well, i'm not getting into it. but i do know that part of it was wanting my mom to make pancakes for breakfast. i don't even like pancakes. but i woke up wanting them. and i went into the kitchen just as she was getting the mix out of the pantry.

word.

i actually went out for a bit tonight. it's matt's birthday tomorrow. can't really say i wanted to go, but whatever. not a good day today.

and i really really really need a foot rub.

so here we appear
the rest lost themselves in a pit of fear
for who
what can i do
but let them al come through the wall
and though some oppose many of these things i know
i'll stay here alone and lose myself in the riverways of days

i'm coming home

it's been a long long time since i lost myself
with my pride down on the table
with my fear on the shelf
so i bought myself a thrown to resign and let myself go
but i've traveled much to far
where i've gone i'll never know

what a long long time
long long time
it's been a little old while since i felt so fine
wandering in the rain
losing my mind
what along long time
long long time

ok, so you can all look forward to lots and lots of upcoming lyrics. cuz i am feeling o.a.r. so badly right now it's just ridiculous.

and fantastic.


i know, i know what it feels like to be alone
and i know, i know what it feels like to be at home
i said now i like, i like stopping to say hello
i said it's my life, it's my life, my life
why can't we take this slow

so i know that part of my dream involved me being back in highschool. my sixth perioddrama class teacher case me in an aerosmith video as the girl who walks out of the bathroom stall at the beginning of the video between steven tyler and joe perry. then i found out the woman who headedup the drama department wanted to cast me in a video as well. i soon figured out it was for the same part. and had to find a prom dress like costume.

then...in another part of the dream i was at a dmb show at "star lake." but it was like a church. and the speakers were likestereo speakers so you really couldn't hear them that well. that might have been because i was in this group of people who got moved tothe side of where the boys were playing...for some reason i can't quite put into words right now.

anyway. there was this girl from my high school(theclass below me) there sitting behind me. and she kept talking. and because the speaker situation was so bad i kept telling her to shut up, because shewas ruining songs like captain and kit kat.

lil megs sitting two seats down from me and at one point dave, who was sitting(yes sitting) like 10 feet to our right motioned to her. he somehow explained to her that she had to go to the backof the "church" for kit kat jam" and act out all the plastic super hero stuff.

THEN at some ppoint, i think it was during captain, i realized he waswriting down lyrics as he sang them - the ones he liked at least. then he showed us the book. shit...i wish i could remember the line i could read the most clearly. keep in mind there was still anaudience out there...in fact icould see rob and clint and huffy. and of course rob looked less than thrilled.

to top it all off, one of thelast things i remember these two girls coming out and doing a duet...from a broadway play or something.

that's about when i got up to leave and saw the stereo speakers and realized that was why we couldn't hear sht.

oh yeah. and aome point dave played saxaphone.

fucking weird night of dreaming.

ugh. i just got another call from the gorge. they didn't sell my tickets. now THAT makes me want to cry. one, because i asked if i needed to take care of that before hand and was assured it would be taken care of and two because i cannot eat 360 dollars. i have about $3000 in medical bills to deal with and cannot get a job for 3 months.

yes.

that is cry worthy.

today was actually a really good day. i felt like myself for the first time in...well...two months. and it's a great story as to how i attained that feeling, but i already wrote about it.

bob stopped by today. and then aden. and it's like...i appreciated it and everything, but...i don't know. i had mentioned something to jeremy about how i was really thankful to him for all he's done, and asked that he not mention my dissapointment in my other friends because i don't want them stopping by or calling for those reasons, you know? but obviously something was said by someone... i think mikey might have said something to aden. who knows about bob. but i just...really feel weird abeout it. in so many ways the actions of the boys have confirmed all of my insecurities. and while i can honestly say i don't hate them or feel bitter or anything like that, i can also say that i don't know i necessarily want to be around them. bob asks "so when are you going to come out drinking with us again?" andi'm just like...i don't know if i want to, sweetie. as he was leaving he was filling me in on some of the gossip and i just had to laugh. i'm so done with that phase of my life. there's so much more TO life than who's messing around with who and yadda yadda.

aden and i actually really talked about a few things. about things around here are changing so much with everyone. and that was good... he was here for a while and we just TALKED. he also cracked me up by bringing over movies such as "silverado" and "butch cassidy and the sundance kid" and "the bounty" and all these hardcore male movies that i KNOW he thinks are brilliant. he was explaining each of the 6 or so to me and i was just laughing my ass off.

but it's like...they'll ask "so what have you been doing?" or..."how are you doing" and i really don't know how to answer those questions. i've traveled so far in my mind in the past few weeks, nevermind the past few months, and the desire to share that with these people is gone. it's like i said to bob...i've realized who my friends are. it's like jeremy said when i thanked him...he's not doing anything because he feels like he's supposed to. and i look around my room and i see the stacks and stacks of cds and videos that have been sent and the toys and the cards and today i got a personalized bear from my aunt,and i hear the calls and i get the well wishes.

some of those realizationshave been quite rough. it's amazing to know that my friends who live thousands of miles away have been here through it all while friends who live a mile away have been completely absent. and i KNOW they're not bad people. they're just far more self absorbed than your average person.

maggie also called earlier. apologizedfor not calling sooner, by saying she's been in a bad mood or something, and then inviting me to matt's birthday party tomorrow night. and i'm just like...cool, whatever,but no i really don't want to go. first of all, I JUST HAD MAJOR SURGERY(people keep forgetting this fact), second of all...matt has surprised the fuck out of me by not visiting or calling. and i just don't really feel like putting the effort into finding a way to his house and staying for all of 20 minutes before i get tired.

idon't know. tucson is a strange place. strange crew.

i cannot wait to leave.

i was driving around today, listening to O.A.R., whichwas by far the best decision i've made since i got here, and i had a permagrin on my face. that music takes me back to my drives to work every day, gawking at the beauty of my surroundings. it takes me back to road trips with mel. and it fills me with excitement of things to come. i'm much better off seeing the tucson crew seldomly...coming back for visits and staying in touch with just a select few.

and as good a mood as i was in today, things started to get rough again tonight as i was watching the set list and watching a gorge video andjust wanting soooooo badly for someone to be here with me who gets it.

there've been so many phone calls from friends in washington this weekend. when they called today after setting up camp, i couldn't help but cry. and it wasn't because of sadness at all...it was pure happiness. it was a great feeling.

arizona
hawaii
nebraska
alaska
california
washington
oregon
idaho
montana
iowa
missouri
illinois
new mexico
utah
colorado
nevada
oklahoma
texas
alabama
mississippi
louisiana
northcarolina
south carolina
tennessee
kentucky
arkansas
michigan
ohio
indiana
virginia
rhode island
delaware
maeyland
pennsylvania
new york
veront
connecticuy
new hampshire
maine
georgia
florida
north dakota
south dakota
wisconsin
kansas
minnesota


what four am i missing?

yes,i got bored.

yes, i was watching friends.

mmmmmmmm. i'm just remembering "wynona" at shoreline.

we were pretty far back. and i remember how pitch black the venue was. and this cold, white spotlight on dave. and there was silence. and somewhere inthere...dave conjured the devil. i'm pretty sure.

that's some powerful shit.


gravedigger...when you dig my grave...will you make it shallow...so that i can feel the rain

yes. i'm blogging more.

greystreet is on. and oh, how i used to relate to this song. it was ridiculous. i mean, forget #41, THIS song was written about me. that empty, hollow, desperate and endlessly searching aspect just resonated so well with where i was in my life in late 2000 after a bunch of shit that had happened.

and then...it all turned around. and i met the freaks. and i toured and i saw the world change every single day for the better.

and you know what i absolutley LOVE? the fact that now, no matter how bad things get, that song is not me. i can't relate anymore. i still love the hell out of it and feel it deeply and can't resist the passion it evokes, but i don't know that i could ever be that girl again. granted, there are definitely times when i feel like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life, but... hoplessness is just not my forte.

ok.
hi.
i've just confused myself.
i keep saying one of my "lessons" is to slooooooooooow down(uh oh. howie in the head now).

but...it i would have lived by that...if i would have taken things in moderation, i wouldn't have done bonnaroo. or jammin on main in cincy. or my shoreline through sasquatch run.

argh.

i just wanna be a plastic super hero, yo. is that so much to ask?


in other news, i am reading the most fantastic book. skinny legs and all by tom robbins. there's an epiphany on every single fucking page, i tell you. even if the majority of the conversation at this part of the book is taking place between a can of beans, a dirty sock, a spoot, a conch shell and a painted stick. this man is such a brilliant author.

cuz i'm digging a ditch where silence lives...

where all these worries that lay down on me will die

sing and dance
i'll play for you tonight
the thrill of it all
dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
but i'll work it out


it's going to be a long weekend. a very very long weekend. i think i've already gotten somewhere around 10 calls from washington. and while i really do enjoy them...it's just going to be a really long weekend.

i can't believe i'm not there.

i can remember last year so vividly. and i'mnot even talking about the concerts. i'm talking about arriving at mel's and walking onto the porch and shaking from all the adrenaline and constant hugs from mel and nate..."we're here, lady. we're here."

i wish i was more secure that i was getting everything i'm supposed to out of this experience. because i'm scared to death that i'm not and that episodes like this will keep coming back to haunt me.


but this i admit seems so good
hard to believe an end to it
smell touch feel
how could this rhythm ever quit
bags packed on a plane
hopefully to heaven

my 2 week check up was today. nothing particularly encouraging., but nothing awful. but i'm so used to dissapointment at this point that i left the office in a pretty damned phenomenal mood if i do say so myself.

truth of the matter is, there's not much change. i'm grateful for the little things, like being able to bend three of my toes and a bit more resistance in parts of my foot. but the sciatic pain is far worse than before the surgery. i've been assured that this is because since the pressure has been taken off of the nerve, the pain is from the nerve repairing itself. fair enough. but it's still frusterating in so many ways. i can now sit for three hours a day instead of an hour and a half. i can drive...but it's like, where can i go when i can sit so little? i don't want to eat anything because i cannot exercize at all. i'm scared to death what the vicodin is doing to my body, so i try not to take it. i get loopy as hell if i don't take my valium...and then today they perscribed another narcotic that specifically targets nerve pain.


can't go back home. but...whatever. i've decided that come october 14th, after my 6 week recovery period(FULL recovery is 3 months), i'm moving to seattle. permanently. i'm going to transfer schools, and i'm going to take out loans and i'm going lead the most amazing life possible, because i deserve a lot better than this.

the thing that has made me feel the most empty and has therefore brought out more strength than i knew i had is the fact that jane, greg and jeremy have been the only ones to make contact with me since the surgery. jane and greg have been incredible,calling all the time and visiting often. jeremy has stopped by a few times and calls. today he stopped by to bring more cookies that his mom made(no, i haven't touched them). as for everyone else...ALL of the highschool boys...nothing. not a word. a few came to visitme the first night in the hospital, but not even a call since then. that just blows my mind. maybe i do downplay things...but that is just...i had open back surgery. this isn't an ingrown toenail kids. and...well, i think mel put it best - what they've done is weak. it upset me for a while, but it's really put a lot of things in perspective and made my decisions a lot easier. and...confirmed a lot of things as well.


as for my friends around the country...i am one fucking lucky girl. flowers, gifts, jumping monkeys, bonseye trees, shows, videos, calls, emails...they have made it so much more bearable.

it's been a tough two months. it has tested my ability to stay optimistic. i now know that things can get worse than you dreamed(or that your dreams can tell you things are going to get worse...) but...i don't know. i'm in the process of making an "i remember" list in my paper journal. it starts last october with my mayer/timmy/groundwork run, and is comprised of all these precious memories i have made since then.

dude, my life rocks.

and it's all what you make of it, cha know? every single moment.

laptop is up and running. not only is it hard to type on these things, but have you ever tried it lying down?


i wish they'd just announce the damned american idol already. i don't REALLY wanna be watching this shit.

i know i should blog something sometime soon...i just don't feel like it though. i'll have a laptop with cable modem tomorrow, so maybe then.

surgery went fine. of course i downplayed it to everyone, but open back surgery is quite a big deal and trust me, i felt that in the days preceeding it. god bless morphine.

doing much better physically now. just gotta get through [not going to] the gorge.

and can i just say - i've been listening to a lot of phish. a lot. and it is phenomenal.

i'm not saying anyone will ever replace my boys, but this band is lifting my spirits in just the right ways at just the right times.

be well, everyone.