i read two books today.

the one i just finished was pretty fucking good(south of the border, west of the sun by haruki murakami). i plowed through it. i related to it. a lot. the concepts in it are deliciously complex and could easily lend themselves to judgement. but how can there be judgement when the fiber of soul-catching relationships is entwined with such free flowing distortion and riddled by the flaws of interpretation? magnetism... is something that is so easily pawned off as irrationality or misguidance.

magnetism. i pay close attention to this concept, yet the word has eluded me until now. the narrator of the book discusses the type of women he is drawn to, pointing out that they are nothing special by societal standards, but he always senses something hidden within them; something locked away that only he can see.

i wish everyone could tap into that more... but i suppose the possibilities spawned off of trusting that instinct are frightening... but what's life without a little scare?

tailgating as only we can do it. (note: there was a fucking sniper this year with binoculars looking for smokers and issuing posession tickets!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT??!) 

that's only 5 tents! 

it's not actually a real place. 

the park! day...2 i think.  

yay! 

yay! we love eachother!! 

i'm sorry, but it's a good boob shot. 

hello there.

I’ve been gone for a spell. and i can’t quite say as I’ve completely returned just yet. i haven’t had time to catch my breath. but i suppose it was never gone...

i just talked to ben and realized how much i really miss him.

in any case, that’s not the actual point. what a magical weekend. do i overuse that word? i remember when i was 16 and just getting to know this one boy, i made a big deal of calling him “incredible.” i was so taken with it because I’d never really used that word to describe someone, let alone meant it so fully. and then, slowly, i used it so much that it kinda lost that essence that made it great. i do use the term “magical” quite freely. but then again, i say i love things all the time, and lord knows i feel more love towards more things than most people i know.

good god I’m scattered.

gorge weekends always go by fast. i remember 2003, when they only played 2 nights, and we felt seriously jipped. but this past weekend just fucking flew. i have no idea what happened. i know that it was stripped down to just a few sole survivors of the clan which always swore it’d make the journey every year. i know that those remaining(namely me, megs, bill and mel) are probably the most low-key stoners of the bunch. we’re the crew who parties until the last bus leaves, and then scurries to make it to their seats on time. but this time around, there were no tapers to make us think about leaving early. there were no anxious drivers wanting to get there on time. there was only us, stoned, drunk, and drinking it in so deep that the logistics of traveling to the venue weren’t even a thought.

it was funny.

the shows were...just...oh god. how do i even explain them when I’m still stuck at that night 2 “#41" opener? and “you never know?” and mel somehow calling that ants->everyday segue? and that incredible “two step” and the perfection of a OSW gorge-run opener and the mouth-watering, sky-opening perfection of nancies and “say goodbye” and the ass-shaking to all the new songs... arms up in the air, hips shaking at the most minute rhythms... oh god, and “#34?” i never thought seeing that live was an option. and seeing my boys on stage... stefan’s bouncing during the first ASTB of the tour, and boyd’s damned smile as he rips it up(be it in tune or not), and dave... oooooooooh dave. that man is just so ridiculously attractive and sensual and that urge he provides that makes you wanna nuzzle up to someone, trail some sweat, bite on a lip...

I’ll just stop with that.

the shows filled my soul. megs and i almost drowned in the river. I’ve definitely got at least one broken toe. we were stinky, stinky fuckers. there was probably a total of 10 hours spent in the tent over the course of 3 nights. the moon was bright and full. the first two nights were clear, and then the third brought us a beautiful light show with clouds in one sphere of the sky, and then shooting stars and satellites in another.

and now, I’m back in “reality” again. except, as I’ve said, i just haven’t fully returned. i did realize while i was gone how attached i am to some of the friends i have here. i genuinely missed people, and that’s fairly rare for me. well, not as rare as it used to be, but it’s refreshing and uplifting to feel such roots forming here. and i love feeling the need for spheres of my life to meet. which made it so wonderful when jeremy, greggie and shellie showed up for night 2(despite the fact that my brain was in a complete brownie haze...for about 24 hours...).

it was a good weekend. it’s been a good few days home. i had home made sushi last night. it was delicious. there are 5 boys living in my house at the moment. all darling younguns who will also be delicious in a few years. or maybe i just need sex. whatever. i haven’t quite gotten in a full night’s sleep in a while, so tonight’s solitude should do me well. after i listen to the boys on “loveline,” of course.


the absence of freaks this weekend...well, the absence of the dmb community in general was pretty pronounced, but the absence of freaks... i was pretty disapointed before the fact. it’s something i know isn’t controllable, but the fact of the matter is that it’s important to me to have something we all do, AND it’s important to me that these people i consider family see my physical reality at some point. and that’s just not a priority for them. it’s rough to accept.

but now, as I’m through the weekend, the disapointment is gone. it was a fucking killer, intense, tight weekend. i missed people, but we did have the ideal crew. and there is always, always next year. and the one after that. and the one after that... thank god for red rocks, though. in TWO AND A HALF weeks. aye de mi.

from the "myspace" blog:

alright...this might just be my last moment of calm before the weekend lurches into motion. what's going on...i'm still not really sure. i know i look forward to this grouping of days all year and that i'll be spending it this year with an extremely small group of people who are incredibly near and dear to me.

DMB shows to me always serve as healing sessions. they serve as windows in which everything that's gone on since my last session melds together, makes sense, heals and is fully internalized and understood. the bliss that creates is completely simple and true and pure and i should really just stop trying to explain it.

a lot has gone on since my last show. mid-june. i feel like the planets have realigned and are pulling me in some new and fascinating and exhilerating way. gifts have been many, insanity has been deliciously near, but on that level which rivals itself with genius.

and since LAST year's gorge weekend...well, fuck...the differences are astounding. a new baby, an amazing wedding, yet another amazing group of friends who i love to bursting...

i can't wait to just empty my brain and watch the stars and enjoy good music and good company.

have a splendid weekend everyone!

so, i don't believe in regret. well, not really. it's this whole "living conciencely" thing that i have. for example, i don't regret spelling that word like that right there. it's a decision i made, and i accept my laziness in not looking up the real spelling, and it's fine. you might look at me differently now, but oh well. no regrets.

but back to the point. regret is right up there with jealousy in my book of useless emotions. though, every once in a blue moon, i'll feel a pang of jealousy and just go with it. it's not gonna spawn off some crazy reaction in me. regret, though... what is that? that's something you have control over. not to mention, as i said before, it's useless! the path you've taken is the way it is...you can change things from this point on, but what you've done is what you have to work with.

well, lately, this regret thing and i have become quasi-aquaintances. i've had several instances in very recent memory where little dabbles of it have set in pretty hard core. i sometimes have such a difficult time showing someone when i want them around. feigning indifference and maybe even going so far as to ignore, when really my inner attitude is quite the opposite. keeping my hands to myself when i just wanna rub or hug or nuzzle. needing to tell someone something, but putting it off, due to lack of perfect timing or worry of being bothersome or dramatic when i know damn well if there's one thing i'm not it's dramatic. typically not bothersome either, unless we're good good friends, in which case i have free reign, and you WILL love me regardless.

what IS that, though? there's no perfect timing! if there's one thing my trials with this same sort of situation have taught me, it's that there just ain't no such thing. and when you feel like giving someone some affection, for the love of god, DO IT! unless, of course, they have touch issues, in which case it's best to just converse. and by god, i try to learn these lessons, and most of the time, with most of the loves in my life, i'm fine acting how i want when i want and why i want. but then the universe will throw someone in there and say "hey. think that girl's learned to truly express herself fully yet?" rat bastards. i just suck at it sometimes. i lean so towards the "just go with it" vein of living, which works beautifully 95% of the time, but sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horns and fucking ride...

hm. not that i have a hard time with the riding part. but i digress...

i'm just frusterated with myself.

i just went back and reread what i've wrote, and i'll admit it - the way i spelled that word up there severely bothered me. but i will not change it. no, not i.

alright. all this love and relationship shit is freaking me out. and i'm not even in it or in one. just the prospect. it's absolutely horrifying. and yes, i suppose that could be exhilerating, but i'm coming in contact with this neurotic side of me that i'm really hoping does not become permanent. i don't think it will. but fucking a - no wonder we're the "unstable" gender. the over analyzing and just general freaking out that go on as a result of the most slight interaction with someone who makes your pulse, no, your entire god damned life force change is just insane!!!!! WHY AREN'T WE ALL IN MENTAL INSTITUTIONS???

ahem.

carry on, carry on.