hmmm. howie day.

you know, i've got some semi mixed feelings on the boy to tell you the truth(shocker, shocker, eh?). but i just got a newsletter from his rep team and it made me think a little.

some bad experiences with him lately. some bad press. and while that doesn't change what the music means to me(i'll admit it has made it less appealing to listen to as often), i just don't know that i feel the need to promote him. i still love him. and he was nothing but friendly and outgoing last time i spoke to him. but i think i'll just keep it to myself and keep my mouth shut when it comes to telling people about him.

isn't it important that you know that?

i thought so.

i need to find a frickin bed.

we got the place we wanted :)
it's in a fantastic area and about 3 blocks from a big ol' lake. perfect location. it slants somewhat, which is sure to throw me off balance regularly, but we all need a little excitement on a daily basis. i need to go buy a bed but i'm quite worried about this endeavor. beds are important. very. and i have a very limited budget. it should be quite interesting.

it's raining. i love it. i've done nothing for 3 days now, and i see no stopping it in the near future.

yay!

my whole life for the past good 6 months or so has consisted of this mentality where I have to spend every moment that I can with my friends. I mean...seriously, there’s been little down time. And that’s what I wanted, and it was ok.

And then tonight I just lost it. Everything hit me and caught up with me and I’m so tired and worn out and I still have so much to do and I suddenly regressed to this person I was 5 years ago...horribly upset and in need of companionship...in actual NEED...and I made it seem like I was ok and just wanted to sleep so that my friends could go do what they wanted without me bogging them down.

What the fuck is that? Seriously, that is just so not who I am anymore. What a regression.

I find myself worried now that they don’t know how much I love them and how much I’ll miss them. I know it’s going to be difficult for my mom. I worry about her and I worry about my brother. I’m going to miss my Aden and Jeremy hugs like you would not believe. The finality of this move is quite scary, though while I say “I’m moving forever” I am more than willing to accept that that can change, and I’ll be open to that if it happens.

None of this is being spurred by doubt in my decision. I just never let myself actually think about it. Because that’s what I do. I’ve been conducting myself as if it’s another one of my temporary jaunts. But it’s a very big change and there’s a lot of stress right now(packing...and the fact that I’m having to spend SIXTEEN HUNDRED dollars on my car...so much for the huge leaps and bounds i’ive been making in my debt!...the fact that I went to dinner with my mom and daniel tonight and my phone seriously rang TEN times).


Alright, well how trite does this sound? I just watched The Inferno, and seeing Katie and Veronica finally scream and yell at eachother sure did get my mind off things. It’s about damned time.

In any case, I’m going to go to bed here in a little bit, if I can find my bed beneath all the shit piled on top of it. And I’m going to sleep for a long time, and wake up when I’m damned good and ready. And then Janie’s gonna come over and we’re gonna pack everything up and burn some cd’s and then I’ll go to my grandparent’s for dinner and then out with my friends.

And then I’ll just go ahead and move to seattle.

And THEN? Well, I have all next week to do absofuckinglutely NOTHING. I’m going to have a leisurely week at Mel and Lisa’s bed and breakfast and write and read and drive around to look at my new home a little bit. I haven’t had time off in a fucking long time.

I can’t believe it’s actually time to go.

so i'm a bit of a packrat. in all actuality, it's gotten a lot better because i move so much that there's not much time for me to rathole stuff. and when i move, i tend to throw a lot away. however, there are things i've acquired over my life that i've saved. old books, a bag full of stuffed animals, some of my old baby clothes and blankets and what have you. things i can't see throwing away.

it just so happens though that the reality of my situation is that i'm going to be living in an apartment for a while. apartments just don't have much storage. and i'm using my car to transport thigns at this point.

my mom and i have struggled with this a lot. she is hell bent against keeping this stuff for me. because "my parents never kept any of my stuff." i hesitate to point out that she also had to go through 10 years of therapy to undo what her upbringing did to her. i don't hesitate to point out that i'm pretty sure that every single one of the people i know who are my age have some amount of stuff still at their parents house.

so just now, we went out to look at it all, and i found a box with a bunch of stuff that i really can't see throwing away(my first baby dress, some baby blankets, and anchient copy of "jane eyre" and stuff like that) but i just DO NOT have room for it. she refuses to keep it. so i just said fine, throw it away.

my mom is a great person. but she has no regard whatsoever for sentimental items. it's really frusterating for me, because i've never tried to put burden on her. but at this point in time, she's completely acting out like a 6 year old in response to the way i've "structured" my move. shes finding anything she can possibly stress out about and then acting like a child about it. and it's taking way too much energy to diffuse the situation.


anyway.

do YOU still have anything at your parents house? did they perhaps keep some of your kindergarten drawings? your first shoes? maybe your favorite stuffed animal? or did you have to take everything with you when you left? i'm just curious. :)

from an email:

whoa. i'm pretty sure matias was in my dream last night and i was getting little things for a present for him and then put them all on a microwave food plate. weird.

my weekend was pretty out of control, and truth be known i don't reallyhave time to write about it right now. you see, i of course have not packed. which is all fine and dandy except that this move is involving moving EVERYTHING and i don't have a clue where to start. and i have to leave in a few minutes to take my car in too. hm.

thursday night was THIRSTY THURSDAYS at the ballpark. good time. dollar beer. can't beet it.

beat it.

oh and then friday was my last day at checkmate FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

friday night was partay at my house. by my best guess there was 40-50 people here at one time. and this was no random gathering of partiers, i do believe i invited each and every one of them. a bunch of people from work came which was cool because we love seeing eachother "letting loose" and i do love those kids. all i really know is we went through two huge things of vodka, a huge thing of seagram's, a bunch of beer and that the bottle of jager did not come out until after 4am and was in fact finished somewhere after that. jack came into town with his hippie friend van who i loved, and it was sooooooooooo good to see jack since we see eachother about once a year. hopefully twice this year because the fucker is still supposed to go to the gorge.

saturday we were pretty slow to rise. jeremy and i watched "labrynth" in bed, and that was nifty. then we went to lunch where i could not pay attention to a single thing because on the way there, my car severely overheated. yay roadtrip! i was stressed. but then greg took me to the grocery store and we bought some coolant and all was well again. then i went home and conked out for a good 2 hours.

next up was my last saturday night at our favorite bar. sat on the patio. of course, it was graduation night so it was flooded with sorostitutes(or frat mattreses...HAH! that's a good one!) instead of the usuals which is semi sad but oh well. jane and i somehow got a dumb girl to buy us drinks. i do believe we also did several rounds of fun shots. stupid boy who i really do not like did a really nice toast to me, but he's still a jackass and i do not care. jane did a beautiful toast. aden gave me a long sappy speach before he left and then said "and i still have to buy you a vibrator before you leave."

then we ended up at the girls' house for afterparty time. lots of drama is going on with kristy and shellie at the moment. well, and shellie's parents. see, she's decided there's no way in hell she can finish going tgo shool right now because she hates it with all of her soul(hmmm, sound familiar) and she's told her family this and they're convinced she's inches away from a nervous breakdown and are treating her like a rebellious 16 year old. which she was at one point in time(wait til they hear how yesterday greg and shellie came to the conclusion that she should pack up and head to seattle for the summer in two weeks.)

anyway. we played night shoes(horseshoes). and marcela from work bought me a cool pipe. and we hung out in the street for a good 45 minutes for no apparent reason during which time a scary man in dayglo wandered out of the wilderness and got on a motorcycle and a scary dog with demented eyes decided it'd be fun to stalk and scare us. ended up driving jack and jeremy home when the sun was coming up. it was pretty. none of us had any concept of time.

yesterday i planned on starting the packing adventure, but then jack called shortly after i woke up (at 1:30) to tell me he still hadn't left and that we had to go to lunch. so we did. and then shellie and i went to see maroon 5.

so it was a killer weekend. mainly for reasons i still can't quite remember. everyone is much more freaked out about me leaving than i ever dreamed possible. my friends, my family. it's...interesting. i apparently have quite an effect on people. that's cool. but again, weird.

ok. i think my mom is ready to leave.

yay, jen! that was longer than i expected! no juicy tidbits, but oh well. at least this is something i can cut and paste and put into my blog. :)

this past weekend will definitely go down in the books. not quite sure what happened, but there was a lot of lovin going around. i have no grasp on reality right now. reality being that i'm moving in 3 days and have not even slightly started preparing for that in the tiniest way. that's interesting.

in any case. yes, fun weekend. maroon 5 tonight kicked ass. i really need to sleep now. i swear to god, one of these days i'll start communicating with my blog as well as my dmb friends better. but for right now, i just do not at all have the time.

(monday may 10th)
I’m moving in a week and about a day.

I haven’t started packing. But I’ve thought about it! That’s progress!

The flies we have in this house right now are seriously ten times the size of normal flies and I am scared to death that they’re going to decide they want to breed. In my ear. While I sleep.

I don’t know if my back is jacked because of stress or pool acrobatics.

I hate it when hair dye fades right away.

I haven’t spoken to you or even attempted to make contact in 2 weeks and a few days. I think about you less all the time. Honestly.

I’m going to see maroon 5 on Sunday. :)

my mom is giving me some kick ass china to use as every day dishes. It’s quite delicate looking with purple flowers and I adore it.

I don’t actually know how I’m ever going to get everything I need to seattle.

Apartment hunting is going to be interesting.

I’m going to be an auntie of a little girl! I never dreamed I could be so excited about the birth of someone else’s child!

I’m going to be a broke ass bitch for the next 15 years of my life. That’s interesting.

In 15 years I’ll be almost 40.

I love my friends here so nearly and dearly that if I was a normal human being my heart would burst at our parting.

I am very proud of how sharp and semi-brilliant my mind is becoming. It’s a horribly arrogant thing to say, but don’t worry, I’m not letting it go to my head.

Many people would say brilliance is actually insanity. I’m fine with either option.

Tom Robbins has the best brain I’ve ever come in contact with. Er...encountered. Well, except for Dave that is.

Dave Matthews and Tom Robbins both live in Seattle.

I will as well very soon.

I think I might die when I see Mel and Pregnant Lisa.

Only 4 more days at my job. Only have to get up at 6:30 3 more times. That is absolutely fantastic.

“Love Actually” was not what I thought or hoped it’d be. But it still made me smile.

I can’t wait for the gorge. Can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait. I need a good sturdy reliable religious experience. Especially because I think important people from my non-dmb life might actually follow through and show up. That would make me need to lick all of them.

I’m going to miss living at The Girl’s house half the time. It’s nice to have a place to go where you’re so comfy and where your friends always are...

The book “Still Life With Woodpecker” by Tom Robbins is fantastic. I love what it has to say about the mystery of love and the romance of solitude. I love solitude. I can’t wait til I find someone with whom I can travel the world OR just leave at home and come back to. I think I’m pretty alone in wanting a relationship in which I can still very much do my own thing. I know most girls aren’t built that way - it’s common knowledge. But I’m beginning to notice most guys aren’t either. They just get that way for very different reasons.

Tomorrow night is greek food at my mom’s best friend’s house(they need to “soak up as much amanda” as they can while I’m still here. Everything’s different...

That trey and dave vh1 special sure did make me giggle a lot. It’s amazing to see those two sharing those experiences together. It’s definitely a kindred connection.

It’s gonna be strange not to have my kindred connections around me all the time.

Wait. What am I talking about? Hello? Duh. Get with it spinich brain.

I need to download some music for the drive. Oh, and I’m taking three days this time. Mom’s making the journey with me, and I don’t think her back will stand up to 2 12 hour days in the car. So we’re gonna “take our time.” Which might actually drive me crazy, but there’s dinner with my favorite people in my favorite restaurant at the end of the road(which is really the beginning) so I think it’s gonna be ok.

I have some good pictures on my computer I need to post.

People at work are really going to miss me more than I thought. That’s strange and somewhat uncomfortable in that really not uncomfortable way.

Gorge gorge gorge gorge gorge.

I’m really glad I got declined for SPAC tickets.

I need more DMB in my life.

I can’t wait to get settled. I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t wait. Not to diss my mom’s home, but I feel like I haven’t had a place of my own since last April. That’s a long ass time. I never really unpacked here...

This has got to be the longest, most boring and pointless journal entry ever. But it’s better than nothing right?

I can’t believe I haven’t talked to nameeditedtoprotecttheguilty in over 2 weeks. I mean I can...but I can’t. It just happened so normally and naturally and unemotionally. I didn’t really have expectations, but he sure did play it off well. End it with him not coming through on something he said he would. I do wonder to some extent what happened. But I’m definitely not focusing on it all the time. Or even part of the time. It’s just weird when I’m talkign to shellie or megs and I realize how much I just don’t have to say about him. Is it over for good? I’ll never know. Who knows what he’s up to. Europe. Marriage. Or maybe nothing at all.

I need weed.

here's random tidbits from the past few weeks...

I feel so horrible for Daniel. He just radiates this palpable sadness and depression and I just don’t know what to do about it. I should have done more...he just needs friends and companionship. But I’m not the type to do “should haves.” But is that just a cop out in this case? I can’t imagine what his life is like... and when he’s around and his depression is obvious, I swear to god I can feel it too..

~~~

him: you like the new Avril song?
him: get out of my head, get out of my bed.....yeah, that's what I said
him: I love it
me: well. it's not as much of a problem for me as the hillary duff one or that mother fucking kimberly locke song
me: i am listens away from loving both of those
me: oh god. and "The Reason."
him: we connect like that
me: i almost have to seriously sing nicely to that one.
him: that's my #1 right now
me: yes, you and me and our cheesy pop love


~~

I finished Still Life With Woodpecker finally...and now that I’m done I want to read it again because I really did end up adoring it(not that that’s a suprise.) What it has to say about love rang so true with me. About falling in love with the mystery of it. About the romance of solitude. Making love stay, and the themes of the moon. It was fantastic.

So I went out today and bought Another Roadside Attraction, and I’m only a few pages in and loving it. After all, the main character is named Amanda and she seems to be wonderfully quirky.

alright.

well i wasn't gonna fix what was wrong with the blog, but i decided it needed to happen. however, all customizations are gonna have to wait. links and what not. why? because i am moving in exactly a week. this time next week i will be sleeping soundly in a hotel somewhere in californ-i-a. interesting.

tomorrow is thirsty thursdays, friday is my last day of work followed by matt's graduation followed by what's looking to be a huge party at my {mom's} house. saturday is go crazy because jack and greg are in town day followed by another ragin' party that night. sunday is my last lazy sunday with my friends followed by a MAROON 5 concert that night at the rialto. monday i take my car in to be checked out and i probably better start packing seeing as i have to pack EVERYTHING this time around. i also have a chiro appointment that day. tuesday i get to finish up...with everything. packing, saying goodbye, freaking out. and then wednesday...goodbye arizona residency!!
no, seriously. i'm going and getting my WASHINGTON license followed by plates.

wow. it's really weird that this is all happening so soon. i think i'm the only one around here who doesn't realize it. granted, this is the third year in a row that i've done this. but there's a permanence resonating with this move. and it's taking me for a whole new ride.

oh, and i love my dishes. my mom is giving me this really delicate looking china with violet flowers on it. hehe. it makes me giggle.

i guess i'll go through my journal right now and see if there's anything worth posting.

i learned last night that my right ear is definitely more sensitive than my left ear.

and i ain't talking hearing-wise, either.