don't worry
about a thing
cuz every little thing
is gonna be alright

hmmm. yup. i think my mind is fixed again.

and, what's even better is that i've rebonded with john! (of the mayer kind). i started listening again, and then tonight while driving "why georgia" was on, and i started having all these epiphanies or something.

god, i use that word too much.

but i digress.

point is, i just figured all kinds of shit out in a really small amount of time and it was just enhancecd by the fact that jane and i had a really good talk immediately after. we didn't really talk about the shit that either of us are going through, but she suddenly just told me that she really needs her friends right now. and i echoed her sentiments exactly. i'm really going to need to lean on them pretty hardcore. i DO need to lean on them really hardcore, and it was good to hear her say that exact same thing.

i am woman, hear me roar.

lmao

i'm a strange one, i am.

point being, i have a john mayer concert tomorrow night. and then i fly to hartford on thursday for two more shows. praise allah - we're back to amphitheaters again!!!

it seems like in between each of these trips i've been on, as i'm processing everything and i'm learning more about myself, i work through it all just in time to go into the next experience fully armed with everything i've learned, and ready for more.

some might just call that thinking too much. and maybe it is. but fuck it - i'm a pretty happy person. and i've worked fucking hard to get there.

haha.
ok.
i'll stop now.

signed
-girl in a better mood

pictures from '98, right around graduation. old and outdated, but fun to look at none the less.

well.
i just took every test on thespark.com.

i guess i'll go to bed now.

i'll stop soon. i swear.
this was nominated for an award. i actually haven't read it in years, so i can't say whether or not i agree with the nomination, but it tells the story of my dad's death.

are you on overload yet?
then leave and don't come back.
cuz i've got more kick ass stuff to share.

hahaha.

poems i wrote throughout highschool. not quite as entertaining as bush fanfic, but it'll definitely do. i actually even like a few of them.

i laugh at more, though.

so strange to think just how many of those were inspired by nick.

poor guy!

hahahahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

oh my god.
that was the funniest thing i've read(ok. not really read. skimmed.) in a long time. taryn and gavin are in love. they have lots of sex. in hotels, on the tour bus, all the time. taryn gets pregnant. taryn and gavin's ex-girlfriend, jasmine(haha. that's gavin's REAL ex-girlfriend, mind you) go to a bush concecrt and taryn gets trampled and looses the baby. trauma-rauma, man. unfortunately, my literary genius came to a hault after chapter 9.

OH. MY. GOD.


LOOK what i just found. when i was a junior in highschool(that'd be right about '97, folks) i was totally obsessed with bush. the band. and everyone i knew was totally into writing bush fan fiction. yeah, we're talking stories/poems/songs and what not where the band members are the main characters. high quality. so i jumped on the band wagon and started my masterpiece. i had totally forgotten about this until tonight when meghan reminded me. so i set out just now to try and find my old web site(which i pretty much dismantled a looooong ass time ago), and lo' and behold! there's my "novel."

heh.
except it's not finished and never will be.

i think i'll start to read it right now.

at least until my tylenol PM kicks in.

now this is entertainment.

ok. now i have a really bad headache.

i've posted like 5 times in the past 2 hours.

patheticness, right there.

but fuck it. at least i feel somewhat better.

haha.
just had to click that nifty little PUBLISH button.

so glad i'm being so productive.

now i'm going to alphabetize my buddy list.

ok. i'm really not going to bed yet.

i first have to organize my entire AIM list. yeah.

i'm waiting to see if the template changes i made are going to go through or not. i put some lyrics in the margin, and i can't see them and it's driving me fucking insane.

bringing me back to the days when i had my own website...aaaaah, the joys of coding everything.

i've been messing with AIM stuff for like the past hour and a half. re-doing my profile, and fonts. downloaded the latest version.

heh.
and somehow, i find myself no longer crying and less anxious.

thank god.

goodnight.

ok. sleep's not gonna happen any time soon tonight, so i'll just keep blogging.

meghan came over tonight so that we could go through our scrapbooks. she made two while in high school, and i made 3. ok, well...2 and a half. god, that was such a great time. people are always saying how much they hated their highschools, but i absolutley adored my time there. not to say that i'd go back, because i sure as hell wouldn't, but those are some great memories.

heh. we were pretty fucking dramatic, though. amazing how we fixated on things. i can go back through my diaries now and find events that were totally blown out of proportion that i really just don't even remember now. granted, i was the least dramatic of the three girls i hung out with, but it's still amazing how much angst goes on in a teenager's life. i'm glad to be out of that phase. though, i guess at times like right now, it still comes out a bit. ;)

i'm really glad that i'm still friends with all the boys. the meghan's and i have totally drifted, which is fine by me, but the guys still play a role in my life. and i think i'm ready to start leaning on them a bit again. i've been really distant for the past few years, going my own way and making new friends, just showing up to the occasional party or gathering. but i feel myself gravitating more towards them again. they're such a good group of guys. it amazes me that they've all remained so close through the years.

gah.
but gravitating back towards them is sure to have it's own set of issues...issues involving trust (as usual. GOD i'm predictable.).

we shall see...

coming off of this summer, it's going to be so important that i establish a lot of strong ties here. i'll have a lot to focus on with school and work, but the lonliness factor will probably increase 10-fold, if that is at all possible, and i might actually have to reach out to people. god forbid.

i think it's time to take this blog to my journal.

i'm so damned upset right now. just...completely absolutley totally miserable. and there is no one to call and not a damn thing i can do about it.

for some strange reason, i feel like my life is spinning out of control. i'm having a hard time grasping...pretty much...anything. lonliness is a bitch, and right now it's totally getting the best of me. i've got so many friends here, but no one i really connect with. i've got so many friends other places, but no one who i feel comfortable going to when i'm this upset.

especially because it's not really over anything i can talk about. i can't pinpoint what's making me feel this way. i don't like not being able to control my feelings - it scares the living hell out of me, because i start to think that it's not going to go away.

ugh. mindfucking yourself is such fun.

i guess i could just go to bed?

this feeling has been sweeping up on me quite a bit lately, though. i'll wake up tomorrow and feel better, but as the day progresses, ,i start to feel that same weight behind my eyes, a little bit worse each time.

and right now...well...i can't really remember the last time i cried.

uuuuuuuuuuuugh.

maybe it's pms!
lol
that would be good!
but it would also suck, because that means i might just have to worry about the whole period thing at the gorge.

blast.

damnation.

hahaha.

ok.

i'm leaving now.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why is it that people insist on being stupid? why is it that everyone has to have issues? for the love of christ, can't we all just communicate and work around our issues so as to avoid such ridiculous stupidity?

yeah. that was my deep thought of the day.

ooh. this day last year i was at my first dmb concert of the year. my 4th ever. 2nd row. the obsession really swung into effect...

here's a little story that i have to tell
(about somebody that i thought i knew real well)

ok, ignore that second line. i was quoting save ferris. and this story isn't about somebody that i thought i knew real well at all.

it is the story of amanda and her copy of john mayer's Room For Squares.

you see, i love john mayer. he is absolutley amazing. i was totally psyched about the release of his album back in may, so i went to awarestore.com and pre-purchased my very own autographed copy. waaaaaaaahoo! the first time i actually heard RFS was when i was in san fran at shayna's.

"bad" does not begin to describe this cd. "terrible" provides a starting point. one song in, and i thought i was going to vomit. it was the biggest piece of over-produced pop crap i'd ever heard. and i'm someone who rarely ever has strong feelings against music. i either love something or i'm indifferent. i layed in bed that night(shayna had left it on) and i couldn't stop groaning as each new song played. all the songs that i had come to love were completely ruined. i was hidiously embarassed that i had ever spread his music so much.

soooo.

i got home after that weekend and realized that i had given the awarestore the wrong address. total shocker - i was in no hurry to correct my mistake, hoping that the cd would never arrive so i could pretend it didn't exist.

back in june, i got an email from the awarestore asking if i had received my copy. i said no. they sent me the info i had given them, and i corrected it.

they still sent it to the wrong address.

they then realized their error while i was on my voyage across the country, corrected it, and sent it UPS 3 day select. it arrived the first time july 20th. i wasn't here. the next three tries, i was still out of town. by the time i got home last saturday, they had made their "final attempt" to deliver.

soooooooooo. got a little card in the mail saying i had to go down to bumblefuck to pick the package up.

and i did. on the day that they were supposed to send it back. so it is now in my posession - and i have no desire to listen. i'll just stick with howie, because i think he is actually worthy of the god-status i have assigned him.

so that's my room for squares story.

and john is a total square, by the way.

the moral of the story?
if you haven't heard howie, you really need to email me so i can send you some. amanda@justdmb.com. shoot. do it. you'll love it.

i need to not come home and get online. it just leaves me with this yucky, empty, lonely feeling that i have no appreciation for at all.

i just rearranged my entire living room. moved almost all of the furniture, moved around all of my knick-knacks, frames and candles. took down all of the posters, and replaced them with the dmb posters i've been mounting on foam board.

damn, it looks good.

hold on. i'm gonna go check it out again.

it might not be all that healthy that i have 8 dmb posters in that one little area, but whatever. i've also got some dali, van goh, and a massive poster of the nyc skyline.

tomorrow's activities include doing the same to my room. well, not moving furniture so much because there's really no other way to have it in here, but taking down all of my posters and starting over again.

i go through these phases about eveer 6 months or so, where i have to reorganize my space. i need change pretty damned often. plus, it's a DAMN good waste of time and energy.

eat, drink and be merry.

feelin better.
kind of tired, though. which is strange seeing as i slept from 2.30 til about 12. granted, i was woken up at 9 by a call from an east coaster, but whatever. i feel pretty damned nasious, and have a headache, but at least i'm in a good mood!

i know i spelled that word wrong. oh well.

got an email from my colin. he's in vietnam doing some kind of foreign relations internship.

"i'm so glad you are so happy. nothing makes me happier than a Happy Amanda. for a while they were an endangered species, but now it seems as if they are making a strong comeback. "

time to go cut more foam board.

i'm kinda sad. :(

and now's not the best time to be sad and online because there's no one there.

so off to sleep i go!

damn, i gotta stop with the meaningful blogs.

i'm kinda weirded out right now.

i've had 2 different people randomly IM me today. the first one could provide no reason as to how she had gotten my screenname. the second one was tied to the first. and both of those are tied to a 3rd person who will remain nameless.

i'm pretty amused by who the common link is.

if you wanna know, just ask. and i'll probably tell you. :)

i can't stop listening to this.

Tables turned again, and you my friend,
oh, no one could I hope would make me so comfortable, so easy too
You alone are this, a magic twist in me, oh the memories rise,
until they're monuments inside me, of you and I playing free.
All I do is wish, and beg you please, oh on your darkest hours,
think of me and you as living always true,
So souls change, as you and me,
oh, a million miles couldn't get the rope between you and me to sever,
friend.
I hope you know it’s this I see,

And I hope life will seem free, and easy be,
if you're heavy then lean on me my friend please if you would,
and the dream is all over, and as we grow and the years start to show on
us,
well that's always.

Take it from me now, though its all the great times that find you,
as if you do, all you can for me, I beg you and I pray,
when the heavy weights are on you, please remember you and me,
just too good, laughing free, and hope you know that i'll be here,

All the memories will lie here, so breathe, close your eyes,
and breathe the dream out of here, and the weight lies, it's over,
becomes your wings, and you'll soon fly away from this pain my friend,
always, all this love is, all the memories left, I leave, forgive you, oh
brother,
always

wow.
i just went to check and see what classes i registered for for this upcoming semester. such a lovely surprise to find the following:

4th semester spanish
social structure & self
race & ethnic relations
cognitive psychology

i'm totally psyched about everything listed above, with the exception of spanish which will such donkey balls reguardless. however, i have to take it, so...what can ya do?

the rest of it, though...totally doable. especially seeing as i only have class on tuesdays and thursdays. plus, i know that at least one of the professors is really good, which is about all you can ask for at UA.

now, to start thinking about a job...hmmmm...

i WILL write about my trip sometime soon. just haven't felt it yet. but it was good. oooooh, yes, it was good. i am one lucky bitch. ;)

don't you love to swim naked?
i do.

would someone PLEASE take the mutha farkin bbq chips away from me????? PLEASE??????

for the love of christ.

i'm baaaaaaaack.

well, no. that's a lie. i'm not back at all in the "home" sense of things. still in seattle - but nate is gone so i have all day to bum around, burn cd's, perhaps cause a little mischief. ;)

now i'm due to go hme on saturday. there's a bela concert tonight and a sister hazel concert tomorrow night. those seemed like good enough reasons to extend the trip a little longer, so i did. i'm in absolutley no hurry to get back home.

i'm just now realizing that i really did "go big" with this trip. and i'm so fucking glad that i did. chi-town was a blast - i feel like i've really bonded with everyone at last. st. louis wasn't too shabby - it was good to see my aunt and cousins and just relax for a few days. driving across most of missouri and all of kansas was enhanced by the fact that we got a nice new red blazer, and were accompanied by two stuffed animals i bought during a crackattack in some podunk town in kansas.

within about 10 minutes of gettng to kyle's house in denver, i was having the time of my life. mel is just an absolute blast to be around. we went to the concert on wednesday night, which was definitely surprisingly good. thursday we went to see red rocks - i'm dying to see a show there now. ended up in boulder at the fox theater to see chris whitely. due to the fact that mel and i found a bar that was serving $1.50 you-call-its, we never really got to watch the show OR take advantage of our backstage passes, but it's all good. :) 5 TAL vodka and tonics. damn. sooooo much fun.

friday we started the long haul back to seattle. 12 hours in the car that day, 8 or 9 the next.

ew. i feel like i'm rattling off worthless information, so i'm going to stop. no creativity, no flow...

kinda wondering what the come down from this trip is going to be like...it could swing either way. the worst i've had yet, or nothing too intense. i'm already wishing nate was here - and he's been gone all of 4 hours. (yeah, so nate is on a DC trip for 10 days, but i'm still at his house. lovely how that works out. )

time to start burning cd's in a futile attempt to catch my collection up.

pshaw.

couldn't stay out and party on the 4th, but all is well...

for, you see, i leave for chicago at 7.45 tomorrow morning. i won't be back to tucson until the 17th. i am so fucking excited that my stomach is upset. heh. just a wee bit more packing to do, and then it's time to try and sleep.

right. i feel like a kid on christmas eve again.

12 days of pure bliss are starring me in the face. i'll be in chicago until sunday, during which time i'll see 2 shows. i've had 5th row for the second night all along, but we've been searching for upgrades for night one. lo and behold, my friend megan had tickets and isn't going. so now i have 10th row for the first night. not too shabby.

i can't fucking wait to be reunited with the freaks. i've realized just how much more in touch with myself i am when i'm around these people. my goal is to bring it back here, to try and carry it with me. i've been realizing lately how young i am(have i blogged about this already? i don't know. probably), and while i do have a really good grasp of who i am, i'm still searching. and it's these trips to see the band that help me figure out just who the hell i want to be.

i'm definitely going to notice the absences of jen, matias and nate. but hell, i figure that's what cell phones are for, right? right.

anyway. so chi-town. then rach and i are driving to st. louis to stay with my aunt for 2 nights. i figure monday will be like detox. then we'll drive to boulder tuesday, where we'll meet up with mel. mel has given me his other second row ticket. amazing how it all just always works out. from there, it's a 1300 mile drive to seattle, where i will spend a few days with two guys who have got to be among the coolest on the face of the earth.

yeah, life really ain't all that shabby.

see ya'll in two weeks. :)

H

venomous voice
tempts me
drains me
bleeds me
leaves me cracked and empty
drags me down like some sweet gravity

i am too
connected to you
to slip away
to fade away
days away i still feel you
touching me
changing me

and considerately killing me

without the skin here
beneath the storm
under these tears now
the walls came down

and as the snake is drowned
and as i looked in his eyes
my fear begins to fade
recalling all those times
i could have cried then
i should have cried then

and as the walls come down
and as i look in your eyes
my fear begins to fade
recalling all those times
i have died
and will die
it's alright
i don't mind


i am too
connected to you
to slip away
to fade away
days away i still feel you
touching me
changing me

and considerately killing me

(*i claim no responsibilityfor the accuracy of these words. i'm just sitting here typing as they're sung, and i leave out anything i can't quite make out.)

my 3 favorite cd's of all time:
dmb - before these crowded streets
sublime - 40 ounces to freedom
tool - aenima

i'm listening to the third of those options for the first time in a long time right now. and daaaaaaamn, it's good.

standing above the crowd
he had a voice that was strong and loud
and i swallowed his fisad cuz i'm so eager to identify
with someone above the ground
someone who seems to feel the same
someone prepared to lead the way
and someone who would die for me

will you
will you now
would you die for me
don't you fucking lie

(come down
get off your fucking cross
we need that fucking space
to nail the next fool martyr)

the coolest shows on tv right now are "Real TV" and "Max X"(I can't remember the full title of that one. i saw it for the first time tonight.) shows that are all real footage of crimes and chases and hostage situations and bull-riding...they totally shock me in a new way.

we're so drawn to things that shock us. like that morbid curiosity thing. or like with violence and movies and such...people are becoming completely desensitized to graphic violence...so this whole "real tv" concept shocks audiences in a way that still effects us.

what the fuck. it's 3am. i need to go to BED!

i had a massive anxiety attack tonight.
it was great fun. :)
i wish i could have those more often.

so i went over to jane and kristy's, freaked out for a little bit(not crying, mind you. just laughing. hysterically.) and then watched "dude, where's my car?"

oh my.
though i'm almost sad to say it - that was entertainment.

i did it!
i made it through 24 hours without listening to DMB.

i knew it was bound to happen, i just didn't know when. i went to reach for a show on friday and almost vomited. i still listened a bit yesterday, as the lillywhite's were the only thing in my car. but other than that, i've been actually putting those 200 OTHER cd's of mine to use. i'd forgotten how much i love to sing...fiona's bringin it all back right now.

but as the embers of a summer lost their breath and dissapeared
my heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within