share the time again
i spend with you
a friend is always good to have
but a lover's kiss is better than angels raining down on me...

i dream of you at times when you're by my side
dream you're not just like you are
so troubled and doubling my pain
just with a grin or tear
you shed for me

i wish that i could climb inside your mind
and spend some time in there
hug and hold you
and mold you into what i'd like
but no i can't do this
just a kiss to spend a while by you
and your familiar smell and voice...

oh, the friends they say wow she's good and wow she's right...

all this trouble for a kiss from you
i'll do it
and then you come up smiling
and i'm thrown
until i get a little storm with you
i'll do it
always
lover, line up in here

the road to you is long and i've been on it for a while
but i need a warm embrace
I'll take a break...

waiting waiting waiting waiting.

waiting for spanish class. cuz then i'm DONE. and then i can PACK. and then i can GO. to the GORGE.

ahem.

did you see that?
i'm going to the gorge.
tomorrow.

and if i could, i would totally put one of those big-ass toothy AIM grins right here in my blog. because that's about how i'm feeling right now.

i love it when UA's website is down when i need to get my schedule.

oh well, what's the use in worrying?

bartender from 7/25 just started, and i'm stoned.

yet another interesting and highly entertaining saturday night in amanda's world.

(uh oh. i just got majorly distracted by #36 from 11/29/94. perfect waking up music.)

so we went to a record signing concert/party thing for this local band - PH8. they all went to highschool with christine, so she got us all to go along. they're hard rock, kinda korn-ish, limp bizkit-ish...so the show was pretty high energy, and i had quite the time. however, i can't connect with that music, so it just left me aching for another dmb show.

i'm a freak.

before the show, everyone was standing in line for beer, and jane's like..."fuck this. i don't want beer, i want to throw back a few shots." so she and i set out across the street to this hotel bar in downtown tucson. we ended up talking to this completely awesome guy who was visiting from berkeley...there is nothing i love more than quiet, laid back bars where you can find really interesting people to talk to.

it seems that whenever jane and i go out by ourselves, we have a blast and end up meeting really cool people. gotta love that.

so we went back to the show around 10, when they were supposed to go on stage. christine was pretty sloshed at this point. we seem to have some kind of nipple-pinching war going(or so SHE thinks.), so half way through, she comes over and totally catches me off guard. that hurts like hell, yo. i was not that happy. 5 minutes later, she's shoving her 5 foot nothing ass into the mosh pit, and before i know it she's standing on the outskirts with this hurt-puppy-dog look on her face. it seems someone had punched her in the face.

so matt comes and rushes her outside. i go in to use the bathroom and find her sitting with a group of people around her, eyes brimming with tears, holding ice to her cheek.

now, i love christine to death. i really really do. but i couldn't help singing "drama drama draaaamaaaa!" a little bit. out of earshot, of course. i'm sure it hurt...but...uh...jesus focker! you couldn't even see that she had been hit! and she was drunk as fuck, so i'm sure that's more why she was crying than anything else.

so then matt has to drive her home. since she had been my ride down there, i came up with another ride, convinced all of those people to go to 4th ave. with me and hit some bars.

i'm feeling my reign-o-drinking coming to an end very very soon. tonight. yes, i really need to stay home tonight. let's go over the past week and a half.

thursday-before-last: stayed sober til 1am, when i decided to raid my raspberry vodka. got trashed. wrote emails. went to don's and smoked. couldn't walk back to my appartment.
friday: went to that party at megan's where i became completely obliterated off of virtually nothing.
saturday: 80's night at the keys. pretty drunk, though it was nothing compared to friday night.
sunday night: bob's 21st. drank a little, though i didn't over do it.
monday: stayed home
tuesday: christine and i drank a bottle of captain morgan's.
wednesday: century club at bob's. t.r.ashed.
thursday: smoked myself retarded at matt's.
friday: party at matt's. 3 ciders and i was out of the game.

and then i just went over saturday night.

i'm fucking tired. i know what brought this string of behavior on - i was totally burrying my troubles. but since then, it's mostly just been boredom. thank god school starts tuesday, or it might be cause for worry.

of course, school starts tuesday, and then we all know what happens wednesday...

GORGE!

heh.

we're all sitting out on the porch last night, when matt walks over to christine(his girlfriend) and as he's passing, he traces his finger from her forehead, down her nose, to her chin, stopping to play with her lips.

christine says "hey, matt. you might wanna wash you're hands, they're kinda salty."
matt says: "oh. i just washed my bong."

without even thinking about it. cracked me the hell up...

I.
AM.
SO.
EXCITED.
FOR THE MUTHER FARKING GORGE.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

gorgegorgegorgegorgegorgegorge.

i don't think i've been this excited since cville. that's A LOT of excitement, yo.

i really like this trend of coming home and writing like 7 different blogs in a short period of time.

word.

i have a really really annoying paper cut on the underside of my left pointer finger. it's from one of those thick-ass manilla envelopes. it didn't hurt when it happened, but now it's starting to bug when i bend my finger.

an.oy.ing.

i will go in this way
and i'll find my own way out
i won't tell you what to be
oh, no - but i'm coming to much more
me
all at oncee the ghosts come back
reeling in you now
tell me what if they came down crushing
used to be
that you and me played for all the lonlines
but nobody notices now
begging slow
i'm coming here
lonely, waiting
i wanted to stay
i wanted to play
i wanted to love you
i'm only this far and only tomorrow leads the way
i'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head
please
i wouldn't pass this by...
do you know how often i set in to just type a piece of a song, and as the song progresses, i just have to keep typing.

because the song is that good.

it's about that time, boys and girls. about that time for the next wave of pure excitement to settle in as we enter the final week before the gorge.

there's a very specific moment before each trip where it actually sets in as i allow myself to start thinking about it...

ok. i'll just cut to the chase: i'm so ready for the gorge. bring the mutha fucka on. i cannot wait.

i have to acknowledge it...

dave and ashley had their babies. =)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

yeah.
just...
aaaaaaaaaaw.

i'm thinking PIG will definitely make an appearance at gorge.

ONE WEEK!

after all the crushes have faded
and all my wishful thinking was wrong
i'm jaded
i hate it

damn, i had a blast last night.
i was sitting on the couch, reading and completely bored off my ass. when i get a call from bob telling me that they're doing the century club over at his place and instructing me to join them. [century club is when you take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes...]

i've done this once before. me and 3 other girls were the only ones to make it through without puking out of about 20 people playing. so i figured what the hell - i'll do it again.

it ended up being me and 10 guys. of course, everyone puked. aden and i were the only ones to make it through without using one of the 3 trashcans we had set up in the living room. i had an agreement with everyone that if i was one of the only ones left at #75 ,we had to put on something dmb. so you can bet your ass that at that 75th shot i was yelling for a change in music(we were listening to paul oakenfold.), and kate, bless her heart, put on the lillywhites. kate gets an A+.

they tried to get me to do a beer bong afterwards, but fuck that. i do know my limits.

so anyway, after those grueling 100 minutes, i was incredibly drunk. go figure. what was strange though was that i stayed drunk for several hours. usually, once i stop drinking, i can be sober enough to drive within 2 hours at the latest. not last night. it was good, though. because it was just me and all of my highschool boys. it was exactly what i needed. i love settings where i'm the only girl - those always seem to be the funnest times. the guys are completely themselves, and i'm able to spice up the conversations quite nicecly.

we packed into two cars and went to nico's - southern arizona's premiere 24 hour mexican food joint. any given night around 2am you can go just to be among the drunkest of the city's 20-somethings gathered together in drunken/fucked-up unity for a cheap burrito and possibly an horchata.

eew.
i hate horchata.

but anyway. it was grand. i adore those guys. and to top it off, i got some cuddle time with bob, who very generously offered me his bed so that i didn't have to drive.

no, kids. we did not at all hook up. you see...bob was probably the first guy i ever made out with. we have quite the humorous history. and the thought of anything ever happening again makes me laugh. but i do love me some cuddle time. hell - it's just nice having someone in bed with me.

back to you
it always comes around
back to you
i try to forget you
i try to stay away
but it's too late
over you
i'm never over
over you
there's something about you
it's just the way you move
the way you move me

heh.(yes, i say that too much. fuck you. word. word. WORD.) this reminds me...after 80's night last saturday, we went to denny's. 15 of us crammed into this booth made for about 8. it was the most intoxicated congregation of people in public i have seen in a loooong time. at any given moment, there was 3 people with their heads on the table laughing uncontrolably...everyone had changes to make to their orders...at one point we were all calling eachother on our cell phones. fun game. ha ha ha. the section we were sitting in pretty much cleared out in the first 15 minutes. which was good, seeing as we were there for 2 and a half hours. sloooooooooow service.

you know what i discovered, though? it's really fun to call your friend's cell phone, and then put both of the phones up to your head and laugh. because there's a delay...

nevermind.

(you know you wanna try it.)

and if you want love
we'll make it
swim in a deep sea
of blankets...

eew. i just read the blogs from yesterday. i need to stop over analyzing. seriously.

maybe i should just stick with song lyrics and other random quotes.

love is a temple
love the higher law
love is a temple
love the higher law
you ask me to enter
but then you make me crawl
and i can't be holding on
to what you got
when all you got is hurt

i was thinking earlier about all of the people i've met in the past few months through touring. there's so many of them, and they've all become such important parts of my life. but in very different ways.

they're all completely different. from their backgrounds to the ways we connected to the relationships we currently have. the strangest part of it for me is the differences in how they fit into my life. there's a whole group of them that are still very dmb-related. they're my "dmb friends". they've all become a part of my every-day-reality in many ways. but there are some who have crossed over and become solid presences in that group of people who i consider closer to me than anyone else. they are getting to know about my every day life, and about my past...they're learning who i am outside of a party-oriented, completely pure environment. they're learning what i'm like on a day-to-day basis, no holds barred. and while they learn about me...i'm learning even more about them.

it's strange.

take everything as it comes...let it all fall into place...

and it'll all work out.

i was over at my mom's this afternoon, sunbathing and schtuff.

my driver's side window is broken, and it started to rain. so i went outside to tape a garbage bag over it, in an attempt to save the control pannels on the door and the interior...

i went inside to grab another bag, and the front door didn't latch when i shut it. it was blown open by the wind, and when i came back to it i realized that mocha had gotten out.

mocha is our dog. she's the most intelligent, sweetest dog on the face of the earth. of course, every pet owner says that. but you get the point.

she does run off every now and then, but she either comes back or is picked up by someone who then calls the humane society and gets our number...

she didn't have her collar on this time, though. and she hadn't come back when i left the house 4 hours after she took off. hasn't come back as far as i know.

i'm still hoping she'll show up...if she doesn't, you'll get a full run down of how sad i am. trust me.

god. what a summer.

it's actually starting to seep in, little by litte.

do you even realize how amazing it's been?

no one really can. because i can't even understand it just yet. it's verging on overwhelming. not to say that i think about itt a majority of the time. really, it's just every once in a while on late night drives home, or blasting john mayer at christine's...when i just catch a glimpse of everything that has happened and how much i've grown...

wow.

ok. you wanna know something that's bothering me?

jack.

i've talked to jack twice this summer, apart from the time that i went up to flagstaff to see him in late june for his 21st. he came back here to visit when i was on my roadtrip, and then no one heard from him for quite some time.

this is extremley bothersome to me for many reasons. i miss the hell out of that boy. i lived with him for a year, saw him pretty much every day for a year and a half. as has been mentioned previously, we went through a hell of a lot. him and matt were my lifelines for quite some time - the first people i've ever truly leaned on.

i knew when he left for the summer that he was going to distance himself. which is fine - he really needed the distance from tucson and from everything that went down here. but i didn't actually think the fucker would go without contact for so long! he's still incredibly messed up over his breakup with rachael. so i'm glad he's moving on and has found something that makes him happy. but KEEP IN TOUCH WITH ME, dammit!!!

now, he's been in contact with several people in the past few days. he's called matt a few times. and he's not coming back at all. at least no time in the near future.

i know he's avoiding calling me. for reasons i don't really feel like getting into(because it'd take too long and i'm kinda tired).

he may call soon. but if he doesn't...ugh. it's not something i want to even think about. i don't think i could take it if another of my guy friends pulled something along the lines of dissapearing from my life for stupid ass reasons. i'm noticing a definite trend here. i try and put it in the past the first time. the second time was pretty bad. with john, it was life shattering(ok, at least it felt that way then), with brian i pretty much didn't care anymore. but with jack...eew. that would not help my trust issues at all.

i guess i should just wait and see what happens.

i'm kinda jaded these days. when it comes to love AND when it comes to friendship.

so now...to figure out what to do to reverse the trend.

absolutley nothing pisses me off quite like homophobia. i hate hearing people use the words fag or gay in any context - whether it be a casual remark about something or used as an insult against someone. it offends the hell out of me - because it's such pure ignorant hatred. i hate hearing people i love use them more than anything. and i usually comment on it, because i find it so repulsive.

like...jack, matt and i once sat down to watch "will and grace." jack started flipping out when he learned that he shared the same name with the flamboyantly gay guy.

oh come ON now. give me a break.

and tonight, we're watching "the mexican" and matt's having a grand old time, laughing his ass off. until the scene where it's revealed that whatshisnuts(james gandolfini's character) is gay. at which point the movie becomes stupid. he hates it. he wants to fast forward past the "gay" parts to the parts with brad pitt.

UGH. i was annoyed. let me watch the goddamned movie without your stupid fucking comments.

we're all standing around last night at bob's birthday bash, when suddenly jeremy stands up.

"everyone! could i have your attention please!"
he then puts his arm around his girlfriend...
"well, as you all know, kate and i have been together for 4 months now..."
kate: "5 months, jeremy."
laughter all around.
"well, we've been together for 5 months and i have an announcement to make. we spent a month together in costa rica, and we've decided there was only one thing missing in our relationship...

...we joined the mile high club!"

absolutley classic.

you know what?

i hate it when i make a decision about something without really thinking it through, only to realize later on how absolutley fucked up the entire situation is.

because when you agree to something, you can't really go back on it.

such is my life though: fucked up.

school starts in a week and two days.

every year, i get excited just about this time. i can't wait for school to start. and then every year, come the 2nd or 3rd week of september i end up wanting to shoot myself because summer still tastes so close, and winter seems light years away.

i really don't expect this year to be any different, save for the fact that i'm way more excited for school than ever before. which hopefully doesn't mean that i actually WILL shoot myself in the head come the 2nd or 3rd week of september.

i really need a job, too.

i also need a glass of water.

oh yeah. and consider my final challenge finished.

it all works out.
(i think that should be the Freak mantra.)

I got home like an hour ago(yes, that would be 6:30, folks), and I can't sleep. My mind is racing.

Don't get me wrong - I've slept tonight. But in some fluke of nature I passed out before I could get home. I never pass out at other people's places. Good thing I did last night, though, seeing as Christine and I had to leave the party to go sit in the car because we were so far beyond trashed. Matt drove us back to his place, and I completely zonked out on the couch. I haven't had the spins like that in a good year or so. I guess that's what a combo of Smirnoff Ice, cider and beer will do to you.

And now I can't sleep. And it's annoying the hell out of me.

I had such a good time last night. We were caravanning to a party, which ended up being at the house of a really cool friend of mine. I haven't socialized that much with that many random people in months. It felt fucking great. For the second time this week, I found myself in the company of quite a few very, very cool guys. Unfortunately last night, the one I was the most interested in has a girlfriend. Of course. If it's the girl who came up to him wearing the hot pink tube top, I might just shoot myself. But whatever. Guys with girlfriends need to NOT come up and put their arms around me and engage me in killer conversation. Seriously. It's just not fair.

My friend Greg has an obsession with my boobs. We're talking an out-in-the-open, much joked about obsession. He really likes them and has no qualms letting everyone know. But I swear to you, if that boy ever lays a hand on me as he is so often joking about, I'll kick his ass. =)

The weekend has set off on a good note - I really, really needed that. Luckily, there's more good times to come. 80's night tonight at a club up by Jesse's(who is going with us, thank god. i adore that boy. i need to kiss that boy.). Monday is bob's 21st, so they're having a big party tomorrow night, and we're going out for his "hour of power" at midnight.

Colin should be home any moment. Sometime this weekend. Aden and Jeremy are coming back from Australia and Costa Rica...

People are starting to trickle back in after the summer's events.

God, it's been an incredible summer. Far too amazing for me to really even grasp right now. I've been through so much, seen so many things, and gotten to know so many people. Right now, I'm kind of facing a "final challenge" of sorts. But I can already tell that it's going to work out. Maybe not as I had wished, but for the best. Hopefully.

me. laaaaaaaaaa. to. nin.


crazy crazy man you got yourself in a pickle...
crazy crazy monkey man who is the one in the middle...

take a walk
across the ice
much too quickly
for us to reach
the othr side

it's cold in here
but the sun shines bright...
oh the tide is rising higher...


golden age
these golden times
our golden days
seem to have us
hypnotized or blind, well...

have you ever had an email to send...and you just sit in front of the computer...and debate actually clicking the send button...again and again and again...

i need to chill with the vodka, here.

sent to the freak list just a liddle bitago
Watch out, it's rambling time.

Bwaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha.

I actually already sent this oncee, but yahoogroups fucked me up the
ass, so I'm telling them to shove it and re-writing it.

Went shopping with la madre tonight. I figured she'd be good for a
pair of jeans and a few shirts or something. Oh, no. Just a pair of
jeans. A much needed pair of jeans, mind you. But it's not like I
went and put the rest of the stuff back. Oh, no. I bought it.
Because I love credit card debt. Good thing my job-searching is just
not going as well as planned.

Then I went and saw "Original Sin" with some friends. Antonio
Banderas has a nice ass. Good flick.

Now I'm home. And I went to drink one glass of raspberry vodka and
sprite. Poured the glass half full of vodka and realized that I am
running very low on sprite. So now I'm just drinking straight
vodka. And I'm slightly drunk.

The point IS, I love ya'll, and ya'll'd better have a good weekend,
or there'll be asskickings all around.

love,
you're resident drunkard/stoner chick when she wants-ta-be,
amanDUH

PS
I love the Lilltywhites, ya know?

we look at eachother
wondering what the other is thinking
but we never say a thing
and these crimes between us grow deeper

ii go to blog, and all i can do is type howie lyrics.

so fuck it. i'll type ani lyrics. i need a little boost anyway.

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking down
but i cannot top this
we're in a room without a door
and i am sure without a doubt
they're gonna wanna know how we got in here
they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out
we gotta have a good explanation
for the one that we had
they are coming for us
baby they are going to be mad
yeah, ,they're going to be mad at us

bliggity bliggity blaggity blog
sometimes people act like frogs

so much to say, so much to say...

so much to say that i am completely uninspired.

begin "summer growth phase" #5.

i'll let you know what i figure out. maybe.

or maybe i'll just keep writing cryptic blogs and random lyrics.

hmmmm...hartford....hmmmmm.

well, you already know that it was the time of my life. that goes without saying with these trips. the shows kicked ass - though i'm particular to the second night. song that jane likes AND dido? i died and went to heaven, i tell you. billies so early was very nice. ants closer did no wrong. and watchtower, of course, was just what i needed to put an end to a slightly emotional trip(or at least it was more so than any of the others have been.)

i think i have to say that my favorite times during this trip were the early hours of the morning when it was just a few of us left. when giddiness and delerium reigned, and i could forget all the other bullshit going through my head.

another hi-lite would have to be saturday afternoon, when i was incapacitated by 4. damn, does that jugga ever do the drink.

and i love my jugga twin. :)

i leave for the gorge in 2 weeks and 3 days. and in that time, i've got a lot of thinking to do. i'm thinking that i'm not going to be around online all that much, but if ya miss me, just email me. or call. or whatever.

i've had this song on repeat for like half an hour now. never paid attention before, but it suddenly HIT me. it's perfect!

after you
-howie day

and we'll have our way
and i'm holding your hand
thinking about the words to say
and i'm thinking about the hands you'll meet
the people that you'll shake
along the way
along your way
-
i am walking after you
are you holding on
and are bouncin after you
but you're feeling oh so wrong
-
and we'll have our way with all of you
what is this world coming to
and i am walking
and you still, you're talking
you talk to much
oh new york city
had the craze you wanted
now you're swimming in it
and swimmin with it
here we are
the fireplace we lit
isn't lit
-
i am walkin after you
are you holding on
we are faltered after you
cause i feel whats in your love
i would recall whats in you after all
but you're still afraid to care
-
i am stronger everyday for you
i am stronger everyday
my love
we both know we care about this
are you hanging on
are you holding on
we both know we feel above this
but you're feeling oh so wrong
i am walking after you
are you holding on
we are walking after you
we are walking after you