You are Literature.
Your strength is your ability to understand human
nature, and you tend to equate truth and beauty
with humanity. You get along well with Poetry
and Drama.


What form of art are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(written 1.29 sometime during the day)

a few interesting things happened last night while out with my mom. first, at the opening of this restaurant, we ran into the father of my best friend from like 2nd-5th grades. when he asked what i was up to, my mom really didn't give me a chance to answer. instead, she launched into the back surgery story. i had to tell her later on that one, i can answer myself, and two, i like telling people what i've actually done in the past few years. i think it's exciting and i like talking about it. the surgery was more than a year ago and doesn't need to be the summary of my life. now, i know that it's not a shame thing to her, i think she just thinks it makes me uncomfortable and so she tries to...answer for me or something.

anyway.

second, she told me about a talk she and grandpa had saturday. he didn't understand why i wasn't helping with the garage sale. so she finally explained to him how nearly impossible it is for me or daniel to be around my gramy. because she is so negative and because of the way she treats him. i'll go around every once in a while, but i've made a very concious decision and she has to support that. my mom went through years of therapy and she as well as her siblings are convinced that's the reason she deals with her mom so well. i feel bad, especially for my grandpa, but everything she told him was true. both of them hate that i'm not in school and living at home and i think that they see my distance from them as shame, when that couldn't be further from the truth. it's so strange when your family doesn't know you at all. they still see me as this quiet, shy girl. they know nothing of who i've become, any of my aspirations or goals...mainly because they're scared shitless at reports they've heard of dave matthews smoking weed (oh no!) and because the concept of "sociology" is a joke to them.

my mom told him that she supports whatever i do because she knows i have it in me to do amazing things in whatever path i chose.

it's so strange how people in my grandparents generation are so stuck on how it al should be, no deviations. they are so consumed with fear of change and distrust in the world. what a miserable existance. but hell - it serves as a good example of how not to live my life.

elaborating on my previous post(for esther's sake)...


ya see, february 26th marks the birthday of someone i love to bursting. i've been needing a fix of this guy for a while now, and i really wanted to make it out there for his birthday. but, of course, i shouldn't spend the money. but then i saw that there was an amazing airfare for $123 ROUNDTRIP from phoenix to cincy, and i figured if it lasted until i got paid friday, i'd go ahead and grab it.

but, alas, it did not. and i was really really bummed. because...well, my friends just ARE my priority. it is so important to me to be there for this birthday, whether or not it's a big deal to him or anyone else. weddings, big birthdays, whatever...i just feel like i need to be there for that shit because it's celebrating people i love with all my heart, who i just don't see nearly enough. it's not "another" dmb show, it goes so far beyond that.

but on the other hand, i am working for something right now. moving is extremely important to me, and i want to save the money. so i had kinda come to the decision that i wasn't going to go.

but then i was kinda thinking about it thursday at work. and...there's been a lot going on in the past couple months with several friends of mine, and it absolutely totally kills me that i can't be with them when they need me to be. it really really does. i mean, you can sit and chat online or on the phone, but sometimes you need to go over and just be with that person and give them support in the form of your presence. and i was thinking to myself how i know that's what my priority is. fuck money. there's definitely a big hole in my life when these people are missing, and i know that it's not going to get better because lord knows i ain't moving over there and they ain't moving over here...and i'm cutting the trips to see dmb places other than here for the most part, and they only venture out this way for the gorge...so something's gotta give, because it's something that eats at my brain ever now and then.

and then i was talking on the phone with another friend of mine. and he was asking me if i was going and blah blah blah. and i said no, and tried to explain my reasoning. and he was pretty shocked. and then he said something to me along the lines of "where are your priorities...this isn't the girl i know." and it really just shook me into place. probably partially because of who was saying it and the fact that it might just be the One True Thing he's ever said to me. he just hit the nail on the head completely.

[tangent...it's so strange when you really think someone doesn't know you. they totally misread you, and you just know that their entire interpretation of your being is completely off. and then they say one thing that rings so true and makes you think, hey. wow. they did catch a glimpse of who i really am. go figure. (bastard)


so at this point, i don't know what's going on with it. i want to be there. but fares just skyrocketed again, and while i am saying fuck money, i intend on paying cash for this trip so i've gotta find something more affordable. good thing is, i came home yesterday to an abnormally bloated paycheck, so i'm definitely gonna be more than fine if i can just FIND something in a reasonable range. bad thing is...i don't know that that will happen.

anyway.

it was a lot more intriguing with just the one liner, wasn't it? :)

i really got in touch with my priorities today.

i miss you
but i haven't met you yet
so special
but it hasn't happened yet
you are gorgeous
but i haven't met you yet
i remember
but it hasn't happened yet

and if you believe in dreams
or what is more important
that a dream can come true
i will meet you

i was peaking
but it hasn't happened yet
i haven't been given
my best souvenir
i miss you
but i haven't met you yet
i know your habits
but wouldn't recognize you yet

and if you believe in dreams
or what is more important
that a dream can come true
i will meet you

i'm so impatient
i can't stand the wait
when will i get my cuddle?
who are you?

i know by now that you'll arrive
by the time i stop waiting

i miss you

ok. i have a notebook in front of me in which i've scribbled very random things. i'm going to type them out, in the order they appear. keep in mind: they weren't written in this order or at the same time.

do you know that you were just talking in mid air?

i can't handle how my life goes.

i know how to avoid the karma of getting out of things.

there will be a shower in there somewhere...because i want that for my life today.

debacle

what magazine? "convenient theories for you monthly"?

i'm at the end of my little rope and i am swinging back and forth about you.

being john malcovich
blow
say anything

friskies commercials make you realize one thing: NO CATS.

valley girl
girls just wanna have fun
fast forward
fargo
royal tannenbaums
arlington road
fear and loathing



facilitating communication is a good thing.

i can't get over how intense i sense that it could be. do i just want you because i could have that with you? is there someone else?


apparently, thinking about you truly makes me neurotic. i mean, sure, i still handle it exceptionally well, but every once in a while i really get a clue as to how true that is.

i know. it'll pass. i'll have a little bit more of the constant pre-occupation. but then i'll pass. suffocated for a little big longer until you decide you need to see if i'm still there - still an option.

but i just don't know that i will be.

because...actually "suffocation" is a strong word. what could have been with us was crossed out as an option way before it had a chance to bloom. we never got to actually see what would happen.

and i suppose i could say i can wait. it'd be true right now. but i don't know if that will change. i want you to make the decision based on what's true now and risk it, because nothing can be pre-determined.

it'd be a major experience for both of us, that's for sure. but maybe you're really really not the kind of person i'd want to make that journey with. i just can't figure out if that's really true.


should i just eat cake for the rest of my life

are they airbrushing babies now?

i can't believe you've made me this way. you've made me believe in love in the strangest ways. you've changed my understanding of it so completely.

and it's not to say "i'm madly in love with you." it's just amazing to me that THIS relationship taught me all that. we're not together. it's demented and screwy and fucked up and "over."

but despite all that. such a growth experience.

i cannot believe i can't share all of that with you.

i can't believe i WANT to.



i don't know why i still want you so bad.

i really don't.

it's really confusing. i'm totally not the type to want someone just because they want me. but then again...has that really happened all that much before now? what can i compare it to?

nothing. that's the rub and the reason.



some people really really just don't deal well with change at all(and i'm not at all talking about how much i hate that i have to give the pizza boy change). i mean, they really let it set them off balance in a very uncomfortable way. but that's kinda what life is - change - and how you deal with it.

hell, i deal with it well and it still manages to make me slightly neurotic. but i love it. it keeps it interesting. this whole manager business - it's a little crazy and i kinda like that - especially knowing my time doing it has a definite end date. i can just roll with it and take a lot out of it without having it
stress me out. because it really honestlyis just not the career path i'd choose for myself anyway.

is it REALLY only monday?

holy christ on a bike, what an insane day. seriously, not stop from 7:30 to 5. but damn that makes me happy. i love change. i thrive off of it. it makes me stupidly happy.

so i'm a little neurotic these days.

it'll pass.

maybe.

possibly.

if i LET it pass.

am i babbling? yes i am. hm. well the fact of the matter is, after the insane day i find myself to be ridiculously hyper. i think it's just all kinds of tired energy. andi suppose nervous energy. definitely sexual energy. i'm a crack head, i swear to god.

not seriously.

i got all these cool books...my mom had a garage sale and my brother put a bunch of books in it that this girl had left

wait a minute.

i think i wrote about that already. the waking dreams book. and the prophecies of nostradamous...yeah pretty sure i did.

but i'm too spastic to scroll down and look. :)

once upon a time when the world was just a pancake
fears would arise, but if you went too far you'd fall
but with the passage of time, the world became more of a ball
we're as sure of that as we all once were when the world was flat

and so i wonder this as life billows smoke inside my head
this little game where nothing is sure, oh
why would you play by the rules?



GOD I love it.

god. i swear that oakland review is coming...sometime. i have listened to the show quite a bit and it certainly makes me quite happy.

last week was very strange. floating on the high from the show, starting my "new job," not getting along with my mom at all... falling back into old habbits...

friday night was quite fun. jeremy is squatting at nik and miranda's old apartment so we went over there to play some beer pong. i can honestly say i've nver played so bad in my life. had some good talks with random people and it was capped with a visit to IHOP where my face was molested and shellie threw jeremy down on the floor in the middle of the restaurant. yesterday had lots of sleeping and smoking and reading books such as "waking dreams" and "the prophecies of nostradamous" and then a season 5 sex and the city marathon. it's good to have my weekends back.

hmm.

you know...i've noticed that as the cycles in my life progress, i oftentimes have the same revelation again and again, but it always feels different because i've arrived at it through a different path. even if it's a revelation about a person, i come to a new understanding of the same thing. i noticed the same thing in someone else this past week, and for some reason it was very strange.

i've long had these notions of compatibility and love and what it should be and what it isn't. they're not strong black and white convictions, just a kind of idea of how everything falls together, even though i've acknowledged that nothing ever works out the way you think it will. what i never understood is how much you can understand and know just how much you should not be with someone, yet be unable to stifle those damned feelings. it's a doosie. and it really intrigues the hell out of me.

my dreams have been exceptionally strange as of late. filled with all kind of symbolism and realism and idealism. but i'm having a hard time remembering them, especially the ones that come as i'm dozing during my afternoon nap or when i was just laying in bed yesterday. i wish i could get a better grasp on them.

diet's still going. weather is still rainy. still trying to get moved out of this house.

everyday things change...basically they stay the same...

i should write, and i will. right now life's incredibly busy. i leave my house at 7 in the morning, work til 4:30 or 5, come to the old house to check email and eat dinner, go to the new house where i promptly pass out.

the point is, this past weekend really infused me with something i needed. a lil life blood. a lil night magic. the show was by far and away the best thing i have ever seen. absolutely stunning. and as soon as i have it downloaded, i plan on listening to the entire thing alone with a bowl. at that time, i'm sure the words will come rushing back.

but for now, it's just good to feel like myself again.

my sex drive is officialy back.

what a relief.

i am a muted version of myself.

ok.

i require a lot of alone time.

i require this alone time at various points,but most specifically when i first get home from work. i can be in a fine mood and someone(read: my mother) tries to talk to me and i just snap at them.

just respect the alone time!
jeeze.

i got a promotion today at work. assistant manager. yup, that's me. and the more i think about it, the more stoked i am. because i'd decided i was moving to seattle in may whether i had the funds or not...saving has been pretty much impossible the past few months, with the wedding in november and christmas and new years in december, plus buying a plane ticket for the show friday and yadda yadda. not only does this bring a pay increase, but it'll give me a full 40 hours a week as opposed to the 35-37 i've been getting. SUCH a relief!!!! seriously. plus, i won't have to work weekends anymore, which will help my mindset ten thousand times. don't know what my hours will be yet, but i'm gonna go ahead and push for NOT 7:30 in the morning. i don't care how pathetic and whiny it sounds - i hate getting up that early. i can't go to bed earlier than about 12 no matter what, and i'm one of those people who really just needs a good 8 hours of sleep a night. i'm so exhausted at this point in my life from working that shift and moving... i'd just prefer a little bit later entry if ya know what i mean [jellybean].

anyway. it's kinda strange cuz i was just talking to my sister today about how much my store needs a manager(she manages a different store). no, i'm not at all saying she reported this to someone. but i was also saying how much i didn't want to be a manager. but i can deal with this assistant shit. don't ask me why. plus, i've only been there 3 and a half months, so it will look quite good on a resume.

and i'm due for another raise in march. :)

hm. let's see. happenings in amanda's world...

moved on friday and saturday into my mom's new house. she hasn't moved yet so it's just me over there by myself, though i've spent a total of like 8 hours there. my body fucking hurts. i'm stiff like you wouldn't believe and my legs ache. tweaked my back early on friday morning, but i hate standign around watching other people do things. so while i took it a bit easy the rest of that day, yesterday i did the moving almost entirely on my own. which is why i'm headed over there in just a bit to lay flat on my ass for a while.

last night was nik and miranda's last night. they left today for alexandria...i'm so excited for them. i swear, the two of them are one of those married couples who absolutely give you faith in love and life and everything good. they are absolutely meant for eachother and perfect together and have this relationship that just WORKS without them even having to put forth effort. it's amazing to see. but anyway, it was a really great night. small group...me, paul, aden, jeremy, johnny and a few of nik's hockey/op-sci friends. chad actually showed up for a bit, visiting from japan. good to see him though we really didn't talk. we headed out to our favorite bar, and just shot the shit for a few hours. i had jeremy buying me jack & cokes, johnny bought a roud of jager, and then paul bought me a car bomb. so while the diet was temporarily blown, i sure did get a lot of alcohol for free. not to mention i've already come to terms with the fact that there will still be drinking in my life when the situation warrants it. i'm kicking ass at this diet and i have not cheated at all nor do i feel the need to. 10 pounds gone in week one. much more than i expected, and i'm not expecting much after this.

still very bored, though last night helped. it was good to just be hanging out with jeremy again. we're a good match. paul's grown up quite a bit. and of course there's aden.

it's exciting to see my boys leaving the nest. can't wait to see where life takes them and what adventures they'll have.

apparently i'm going to a show this weekend. i'm just not excited. i will be once i get there, but i guess it's been such a tentative thing for a while now and that's kinda jaded me towards it. i can't believe bill's not going. bummer of the year. we JUST booked a room for friday night. as for saturday night, i have no clue what's up. people keep scaring me with talk of scary oakland, and i really just don't know what to do. it'll just be me and megan that night. anyone familiar with the area have any thoughts? keep in mind, we're still too young to affordably rent a car. :)

aden and i had one of our wonderful nights o' conversation tonight. they are absolutely unparalleled. it's so good to just sit for a solid 3 or 4 hours and talk about everything from relationships to life to death to politics to books and just share stories and thoughts. god bless that kid for being here. seriously. gotta love the little bits of viberance he adds to my life...

i'm going to oakland :)

i'm highly aware that many of people in the dmb community, and therefore a majority of people who read this are quite indifferent to what's going on in the world.

but seriously. go watch the ads over here. they are phenomenal. and if you really don't know what all the fuss is about with this administration, it's a good, fact-driven wake up call.

highly depressing, but deal with it for 7.5 minutes.

29.12.03
meeks' 2003 survey
1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
*first answer edited* worked in a music museum :)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i've never made them before. but i made one this year. so far so good.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
no. that'll be real weird though when that starts happening.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
uh. canada? :)

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
sex in january, february, march, april, may, june, and december. :)
yes, i'm being superficial. hopefully it'll pass before this survey is over.

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
damn. i'm having a really difficult time chosing just one. forever etched upon my memory. hmm. i'll go with july 23rd, august 9th and november 7th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
figuring it all out.

9. What was your biggest failure?
ankle strengthening

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
one funny sex-related one.
one flu-y one.
no sprain-y ones.(thank you god)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
gas to get me to washington.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
bob and his getting his ass out of here FINALLY. i'm so proud of that boy. paul for reaching and striving to make a difference and to understand the world through experience.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
white men who think they're god. people who can look incredible love in the face and pass it over out of fear.

14. Where did most of your money go?
past, present and future

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the ice and rach wedding weekend, the shoreline shows, moving, lots of kissing

16. What song will always remind you of 2003?
"in my place" and "clocks"(which has become me and washington's song) by coldplay

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
sadder

18. thinner or fatter?
lol

19 (i'm fixing the numbers). richer or poorer?
ummm. richer? i guess?

20. What do you wish you'd done more of?
i'm not one for regrets or even thinking of the "wishing i'd done this" type thing(and it's honestly because i just cannot think that way, not because i'm in denial or something), so i'll just go with sex. i always wish i had more sex.

21. What do you wish you'd done less of?
uh...
um.
i don't know. picking my nose?

22. How will you be spending Christmas?
i spent christmas eve with my mom and brother and it was fantastic and the first time in a long time all three of us have been playfun and in good spirits, and i spent christmas dave with those two, and two close family friends. it was truly a great christmas.

i just caught that i wrote "christmas dave." i couldn't change it. too funny.

23. Did you fall in love in 2003?
i really did.

24. Any one night stands?
hm. nope. not big on one night stands.

25. What was your favourite TV programme?
nip/tuck. for sure. by a long shot. come back, nip tuck! come back!

26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate's a strong word. if i believed in it, i'd apply it to bush & co. though. :)

27. What was the best book you read?
oooh. "the red tent" was fantastic. so was "jitterbug perfume." and i really liked the first "harry potter" which i just finished actually.

28. What was your greatest musical discovery?
oh wow. i guess coldplay. i'm real glad mraz and i bonded, too.

29. What did you want and get?
two dave and tim shows.

30. What did you want and not get?
i really wanted mel and lisa to be at that wedding. i really felt their absence.

31. What was your favourite film of this year?
return of the king!

32. What did you do on your birthday?
dinner with the fam, then the jugga party to end all parties. it was insane. and i made out with a guy i was totally into, which is always nice. had a group sing a long to nancies. it was a great party.

33. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
i have such a hard time with these kinds of questions! i've just learned to always look at the past as perfect, even with all the shitty stuff. it's up to me to make it satisfying, and then change it if i don't like it, you know? so i could once again answer superficially and say: more sex. but i just don't think that's the answer it's digging for. but it's the answer i have, so...


34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo casual

35. What kept you sane?
MUSIC. music music music music music. and more music.

36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
it'll always be dave.
and i can't believe that question has the word "fancy" in it. as i've said before, though, i'm really diggin dennis kucinich.

37. What political issue stirred you the most?
fucking iraq.

38. Who did you miss?
oh god. everyone. just at different times. i miss the huffies a lot quite constantly. i miss aden when i haven't had a dose of him in a while. right before the wedding i was missing all of my freaks like crazy. i missed matthew. i missed my dog. but for the most part, they were very sweet missings.

39. Who was the best new person you met?
jamie, jeremy, matt, micah, kelly, joe, susannah, dave, sugarbowl, christina...all the EMP people.

40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
you just gotta let yourself feel it.

41 (!). Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. (first instinct is to quote 41, because it made a major major come back in my life this year. but i won't. )
love is a brittle madness
i sing about it in all my sadness
it's not falsified to say that i found god
so inevitably well it still exists
so pale and fine, i can't dismiss
and i won't resist
and if i die, well at least i tried

With all your honor and dignity - what would you do?


This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thinking.
By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous...
You're in Florida. In Miami, to be exact. There much chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and flooding. There are huge masses of water all around you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the mass of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar and important.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options - you can save him or you can take the best photo of your life and career.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A photo displaying the death of a very powerful man. And here's the question (Please give an honest answer):

Will you make the photo black and white, or color?

oh, and really? most of all? more than anything else in the world right now?

i just want to live by myself. or at least not with my mom. that would really improve my life 60000 times. she's not a bad lady. but holy mother of god, i just want to have a place of my own.

you know what it is?

i am just so verging on unhappy in so many areas of my life right now, and there is nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. that sounds way more tragic than it actually is, but words are a bitch sometimes. i could list all of these things, but then they'd be out there. recognized by myself and known by others. and that would probably take the "verging" away from the idea.

and of course, it comes back to my ridiculous life o' touring.

i really just don't know that this oakland thing is going to happen. and while not going may just end up being the best idea, i don't think i could escape the disapointment. i'll deny it in public to the bitter end, but i think it's gonna effect me. hell, it already is to some small extent. if i'm not going, i want that weekend to just get here and pass so that i can not be sad about it anymore.

i just had the best ride home. i remembered the sweetest boy...

a boy who loved to kiss just to kiss. and cuddle just to be held.

i remembered this innocent, pure admiration and love. falling asleep in his lap on a car ride home. giggling and nose hairs and swinging hugs and smells and anticipation and that bounce in our step as we walked down the street.
it was good, good love. ;)

that freshness and glow that being smitten with someone brings. that desire to get to know what made them who they are and just drink them in and figure out what exactly lies between the two of you...seeing them with these wide open innocent eyes. i was such a different person then, and was living and learning so much. innocent...yeah. in many ways.


you know, when i first heard "stay or leave" it really struck that chord in me that few songs do. i knew it was instantly top ten. and then some devil came out and i knew it was permanently top five. no problem. it completed my 5. but i could never really apply it to anything i'd experienced. i mean sure, bits and pieces of it did, but it definitely wasn't connecting with the relationship i was most focused on at the time. god knows it's the notion of a love i've felt if you combine a lot of different aspects of a lot of different relationships together. but it never really fit completely.

and then tonight, during a long needed moment of clarity, a few things dawned on me. and then that song came on and i was suddenly smiling at this wave of really good memories that came over me. and realizing that i have felt a love that is echoed in that song...though in some slightly unconventional way...and it brought some amazing and much needed closure. and somehow, the song fit almost completely in the strangest way...

anyway. i feel like a big phase or cycle in my life is in the very slow process of ending. or beginning again. or whatever you want to call it. it's moving very slowly though, as i haven't really taken time to reflect like i should. damn me and my not writing or talking about things.

but it's about time. and as i realized in the car on the way home - i do have a show in 2 weeeks. yup. it's about time.