i am constantly amazed at the way things work out...

john and rachel have been in town for a few weeks...i've known this, and i've done a pretty good job of not seeing them. there hasn't really been a need to purposely avoid them, but whatever...

so matt and i were watching a movie at his place tonight, and i kinda knew from one phone call that john would be stopping by, but i didn't want to ask questions. so he and her stopped by and...

lol

yeah.

awkward, but whatever. i just have no desire to be around those two. i don't act weird or anything, but i don't think...yeah...it's good they're moving to san diego tomorrow so i don't have to deal with it.

i had no problems acting like myself. one thing that caught me a little off guard was when matt was saying something about leaving for vegas tomorrow, and john and i both started singing, at the exact same time, perfectly in sync "hey baby let's go to vegas" by faith hill. those 2 seconds just said a lot. it was such a johnamanda thing to do...somethings really just never change.

the other thing that happened was that jack called. and john answered the phone. of the million times matt's phone rings in any given hour, john just happnens to pick the time that jack calls to answer. and i happen to be there. presumably hanging out with john and rachel and matt...

this makes no sense to anyone, but matt and i fully understood the irony.

so i had to make sure that i got a chance to talk the boy. successfully ended up just talking to jack for about a half hour. telling him stories, filling him in...listening to his stories...just catching up. which was about ten zillion times better than sitting downstairs acting completely normal around people i'd rather not be around.

i'm not being bitter or hostile. and i would never do anything to make either of them feel uncomfortable.

it's such a strange situation...i can't explain it.

but i do know that i'm really into just making myself happy. and while i'm pretty easily pleased, and i can stand to be around people who annoy me or who i really just don't even like...those two are the exception. i know they're happy and that anyone who might meet them outside of the people we know mutually would love to be around them...but while the pain of that period in my life has faded, i have...

i can't explain this!

lol

i'm totally indifferent to them and their lives, but i don't want to be around them at all.

ok. here. i've got it.
i don't want to be around rachel. period. she is a truly manipulative, evil person and i don't even want to look at her.

with john...i don't want to be around him because if i am, i'm going to want to tell him all about my life. i'm going to want to know all about his. i'm going to want to tell him all about the whole dmb experience because i know he'll get it and i know he'd be totally psyched, and i know he'll listen enthusiastically.

and if i can't be around him and be able to tell him all that stuff, i'd rather not be around him at all.

that makes much more sense.

god, i hate making decisions like that one...you can't be around someone because you'll share too much with them...

ugh.

back to thinking about other things i go.