oh. my. god.

i feel so much better right now. why? you might ask. well, because i went and read this guy's journal. it is the funniest thing i've read in a long long time. i am going to listen to him for this entire week as a result.

yes, yes. i am.

so...i just watched it. and...it's sitting very very heavily with me. maybe because it hit so incredibly close to home and because thoughts of daniel were laced through the whole thing...that would make sense, i guess. but i found that movie to be incredibly powerful and even more horrifying, and wonderfully successful at attempting to show on film the reality of that disease.

god, i feel like i'm gonna bawl any second...

it's hard for me to imagine anyone who doesn't know someone with schitzophrenia having the same reaction. i've watched my brother talk to people who i can't see. i've heard him shout "bitch" at me after he hears me scream something at him that i never actually said. i've heard him ask me if i believe in hell because he knows that's where he's going. i've seen him talk to my mom about how she's been taken over by aliens, or move over on the couch to allow for some hallucination to sit down next to him. i've seen the suicide attempts and i've visited the mental hospitals where every second you feel like someone inside is going to loose it in some way or another. the attempt for all of the patients inside to grasp reality is absolutley palpable. i know how impossible it is to help someone with the disease understand that there is treatment and that it is important to acknowledge the disease.

man, i'm having a hard time writing about this.

it was a beautiful love story. i think that's the most simple way to put it. it would be my hope for the world that everyone has someone that devoted to them and their wellbeing. alicia nash is a truly amazing human being. john nash's ability and dedication to accept and work through his disease in itself deserves a nobel prize. the triumph over such painful circumstances is something i find so inspiring...gives me a little hope that maybe my brother will make it down the rough road he has ahead of him.

it's just...yeah...sitting very heavily right now.

*deep breaths*

i'm trying to figure out who the hell i'm getting tickets from for each night of my 10 show run. i've just kept shitty track of things. i'm pleased to discover that i am covered for everything except hartford night 2 and that i have some decent seats to set off the incredibly SHITTY ones that are thrown in there.

now i just need someone to sit with for half of them. lol.

oh, and i need to find tickets for kim to riverbend and creek. that should proove to be quite the challenge. yay! fun!

god, freshly laundered clothes just smell so damned good. i just wanna keep smelling myself...

time to go watch a beautiful mind. you know, since i'm in such a serious mood and everything.

i've never posted the lyrics to my favorite jack song in here.

so you know what?

I"M GONNA FUCKING DO IT!!!!

(don't mind me, i just woke up like this.)

i'm just a waste of her energy
and she's just wastin' my time
so why don't we get together
and we could waste everything tonight...

and i don't pretend to know what you know
so please don't pretend to know what's on my mind
if we already knew everything that everybody knows
we would have nothing to learn tonight
and we would have nothing to show tonight

and everybody thinks that everybody knows
about everybody else
but no body knows
anything about themselves
because they're too worried about everybody else

love's just a waste of our energy
and life's just a waste of our time
so why don't we get together
and we could waste everything tonight
we could waste it all tonight

my mom just called to tell me that there was just a 4.5 earthquake at mount hood and that the fbi has just said that seattle is the most likely next target of terrorism because their policing is so weak, so i should move back home.

lol

i'm listening to mayer from the fillmore in april...

wait. back up back up(tell me what you gonna do now?).

i was gonna go to the beach today. but, alas, it is raining. so my peely, gross tan from last weekend is gonna have to do until i get to AZ at which point i can go out for about 20 minutes and give my tan some color.

anyway. i've decided to clean. like...real cleaning. i'm deep cleansing, and going through things and hanging up posters and trying to organize my cdc's which will probably take about 10 days. and after listening to my lovely soundboard of the o.a.r. show at the showbox in february(god, i had just moved here then), i popped in this fillmore show.

and then i started thinking about 3x5. and what it was like when i heard it monday night. first off - killer intro. i was surprised when it lead into the song. and then...i just got really emotional. my eyes were closed, partly because i was so into the moment, but partly because i was going to cry. it was overwhelming. in a good way, yes, but very unlike anything i've felt at a concert. it was a combination of the fact that i'd just gotten back from bonnaroo - a completely unique experience - and the fact that i just identify so much with that song. i think about it so much, though i haven't really listened to it in a while. musically, it's one of my favorite mayer songs. and the concepts that the lyrics hint at to me hit so close to home...

i remember when we were driving from san fran to portland back in may...we left at around 2am, and my shift of driving took me through the sunrise. and all i wanted to do was wake mel or rudy up and make them find me a cd with this song...but i didn't.

i don't know. those 5 minutes on monday night at his show were just very healing for me. yeah, that's it.



i'm writing you to catch you up on places i've been
and you held this letter
probably got excited
but there's nothing else inside it

didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping i would see the world through both my eyes
maybe i will tell you all about it
when i'm in the mood to loose my way
with words

today skies are painted colors of a cowboy cliche
and strange how clouds that look like
mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway

didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping i would see the world through both my eyes
maybe i will tell you all about it when
i'm in the mood to loose my way
but let me say
you should have seen that sunrise
with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
you'll be with me next time i go outside
just no more 3x5s

guess you should have been there
i guess you should have been with me

today i finally overcame
trying to fit the world inside a picture frame
maybe i will tell you all about it
when i'm in the mood
to loose my way
but let me say
you should have seen that sunrise
with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
you'll be with me next time i go outside
no more 3x5s

he's got delusions between his ears
man it takes up too much space

damn, there's a lot of good music out there right now. what a fantastic time to be a fan. this new wave of what i guess they're gonna have to call "grassroots" rock(i saw that somewhere...can't remember where...) just fascinates the hell out of me.

and it's strange to think that people like robert randolph and the members of soulive really are kinda like the tim reynolds of this new generation of fans(i include myself in that statement). but it's definitely very, very cool.

does that make any sense?

all i want is a guy who's taller than me, is passionate about dmb and other music, preferably lives on the west coast or is from the west coast, who isn't clingy, who can feed my already massive sex drive and supplies me with killer conversation. is that too much to ask? jeeze.

oh fuck. the phone is ringing. he's calling. and why do i know that the "ah my phone is dead" line isn't gonna convincee him not to try my cell.

She's got it all figured out
She knows what everything's about
And when anybody doubts her,
Or sings songs without her
She's just so mmm

She knows the world is just her stage
And so she'll never misbehave
She gives thanks for what they gave her
Man, they practically made her
Into a mmm

She's the one that stumbles when she talks about
The seven foreign films that she's checked out
Such a fortunate fool
She's just too good to be true
She's such a fortunate fool
She's just so mmm

oh god. people are cracking my shit up right now on IM. i've got like 5 highly entertaining conversations going on.

yes, yes. i haven't been online much at home because i sit in front of the computer all day at work. so this is entertaining me.

well, and i'm stoned. but whatever.

my favorite part? the fact that craig has row f tickets for hartford for me. do you know how big of a smile that puts on my face? not because i'll be sitting in row f, but because he did it in the spirit of it all. the only thing that bugs me more than the fact that it's so hard to get tickets is that it's so hard AND so many people, including people i know, are raping people on ebay rather than selling them for face to people who deserve them. i had to thank him because he has helped me out multiple times this tour, when i was fairly positive i wasn't gonna be able to get shit. and he said, in response something about how he knows how into it i am and how he prefers to just give them to freaks.

THAT, my friends, is what it's all about. =)

oh no.

so this friend of mine from back home is online right now telling me(ok, he's whining) aaaaaaaall about his problems with this girl that STARTED FOUR YEARS AGO. and like...that's fine and dandy and whatever. but this guy like...goes in and out of his crushes on me. i know this because he gets pretty vocal about it when he's drunk. and he's totally the type that gets attachments really easily and i'm just like...god, if i listen to you now can you swear you're not gonna transfer some misguided grief about this other girl to me?

fun!

so i've decided to get high while he's rambling.

there's that fucking evil side coming out again!

(note: i changed the layout of my blog so that it reads chronologically. yeah.)

so i apparently have a calming influence on people. i mean, i'm told this fairly regularly, but i think it's starting to sink in. one of the nurses at work came into the reception area yesterday while there were like 20 people there waiting to be checked in, and just stood there and watched. when they had all been taken back by their respective therapists, she comes up and is like "you just have this incredibly comforting aura about you. you bring an air of calm to this entire building. everyone has noticed it...are you sure you're not staying?" today, i went in to ask her a few questions, and for about the fifth time this week, i was told how someone is gonna cry when i leave because i do such a good job and things will be so hectic when i'm gone.

granted, i still don't even know when i'm leaving.

but it's definitely nice to get such positive responses. it was like that at my last job too. but these days i'm even more comfortable with myself and my life. i just don't get flustered. what's the use? no matter what happens, life goes on. no matter what happens, i've dealt with worse, i'm sure.

god, i can't wait to go home next week. i can't wait to see jane. and kim. and matt and and bob and jeremy and aden and paul and nik and don and maggie and kristy and jesse and ronak and colin and just...everyone. jack and leslie are even coming back for the weekend, so it'll be like a big reunion.

and i really really want to see nick. i've been tossing the idea of calling him around for a few days now, and for now i've decided not to. part of me just wants to run into him randomly and see what happens. see how it feels. see where it goes. i could take a more proactive roll and call him, but i don't want to deal with the insecurities that come along with that.

oh my god, and i can't wait to see my doggie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pleasegodpleasegodplease don't let my grandparents decide to visit next weekend. blech on that idea.

heh. i just found a condom wrapper on the ground. that is fantastic.

ok. my shoulders are about to start brutally peeling. my skin has never been this texture before. i just keep putting lotion on, and it soaks it right the fuck up.

*pleasedon'tpealthatbadpleasedon'tpeelthatbad*

(have you ever noticed how hard it is to type really fast without using spaces? c'mon. you know you wanna try it.)

that said...bonnaroo was a blast. but pretty impossible to discuss because there was just so much going on. i was consistently amazed at how mellow the whole thing was. for 90,000 people or however the hell many it was, the vibe was totally chill and peaceful and harmonic...

shit. if i keep going i'll start sounding like a hippie.

i've always said that if i could go back and be my age now during any era, it would be the late sixties. i want to have been at woodstock. i just think i'd be completely in my element at that time. it would've been a cool time to have been young. i knew bonnaroo was probably as close as i was gonna get to a festival of that caliber. but i didn't realize just how fufilling it would actually be. the best music out there was represented. the best people out there were in attendance. the atmosphere was unlike anything i've ever experienced. completely vibrant and alive and insane, but very tranquil and safe at the same time. it was just beautiful.

it was a strange mixture of people in my personal circle as well. which was...well, strange. i met and spent time with some just awesome people who really just make me smile.

i say all that, and then i realize that this is the one trip where there are actually things i would have done differently before and during. which is weird, because i'm so rooted in the principle of "no regrets." i wouldn't go as far as to say i have regrets, but...well, there's things i'm thinking through so that i don't let that kind of thing happen again.

but yes, yes. bonnaroo was pretty damned incredible. i use that word to much, i know - i kinda desensitized my audience. but it really was the only thing i've ever attended where i don't feel the need to even attempt to tell people about it. you just...had to be there. stories will come out in good time, but right now, i can't even touch it.

but.
i cannot wait to tell jeremy.

help. i don't think i like space between anymore.


hi. how's it going? i have a lot to say. about a lot of things. but...then i got stoned.

so sorry.

you try back one year.

my horoscope today...

You're apt to wake up in a fantastic mood, dear Aquarius - so good a mood you won't know why! Some wonderful dreams that you don't recall may have cleared away a lot of old traumas and current doubts, freeing you to let loose and be your normal adventurous self. You'll probably get together with friends at some point, perhaps going on an outing of some kind. This should be a wonderful and gratifying day for you.


that said, i leave for the airport in about an hour. =)

god, life is good.

and i'm just realizing just how amazing bonnaroo is going to be. unlike anything i've ever experienced. i fucking love that.

no need to bare the weight of your worries here
let them all fall away...

i'm going to go talk to my supervisor today. just be honest with her about my plans(or lack there of) and about the time that i need off. might not go well. might go well. i have no clue. but i have to make myself do it, because i've waited long enough.

yeah. i really can't wait.

we play our cards
and i question by the grace of what we play our cards at all
come fill me up
fill me love, when i'm empty
when i'm all dried up

i had another dream with a drunk mayer in it last night. it was so fucking entertaining. and i couldn't get him to smoke weed with me, but i think he eventually caved. josh from road rules was also in it, but he was like...passed out drunk.

i love my dreams.

found this on some blog that i found through some other blog(yeah, i'm great at giving props.)

1. First Name: amanda
2. Hair Color: used to be just plain ol dirt brown. then i went on a dying kick. now it's back to normal, , but with red highlites that i quite like.
3. Middle Name: allison
4. Hair Style: however it drys
5. Eye Color:plain ol' brown. but i like my eyes.
6. Height: 5'9" and a little bit
8. Birthday: 2/8/80
9. Zodiac Sign: AQUARIUS!!!

...


Favorites



1. Favorite Animal: doggies
2. Favorite Sport: surfing. even though i've never done it. :)
3. Favorite Color(s): dark green, blue, red and black
4. Favorite Friend(s): too many to name
5. Favorite Friend(s) Online: i fuckin hate all of them
6. Favorite Song(s) of the Moment: "you never know" and "crush"
7. Favorite Movie Quote: that part in almost famous when they're all on the bus and whatshisnuts starts talking about how he has to go and penny lane goes "you ARE home"
8. Favorite Store: best buy
9. Favorite Feeling: passion
10. Favorite Shoe: flip flops!
11. Favorite Scent: ginger or cucumber melon
12. Do You Wear Make-Up?: proudly
13. Which is more important, personality or looks?: i can honestly say personality
14. What kind of personality do you like in a guy/girl?: intelligent. passionate. funny and honest.
15. Do you move fast or slow in a relationship?: i'm very slow to trust...
16. What is your idea of the perfect guy/girl?: i'll let you know when i find him.
17. Would you ever ask someone out?: no!
18. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: i instinctively say brunettes, but it really doesn't matter.

Love, Life & Friends



1. What is the first thing you notice about someone? how well they converse with me
2. When's the last time you cried?: fuck if i know. probably the first time i ever heard "you never know"
3. What do you want to be when you grow up?: happy
4. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: nope
5. How far have you gotten?: hawaii. oh wait. that was about sex, wasn't it.
6. Do you like someone right now?: i'll never tell =)
7. Do they know?: who knows what?
8. Do you have a best friend?: i guess colin is my best friend. but i really don't believe in the concept. i have a few really reall good friends, though the amount of people in my life who truly know me is pretty lacking.


Within the last 24 hours, have you...

1. Had a serious talk?:i've had several really fucking good talks in the past 24 hours. that's such a natural high...
2. Hugged someone?: nope =(
3. Gotten along well with your parents?: sure. my mom just funded a flight back to tucson for me. god bless her.
4. Fought with a friend?: fuck fighting. it's the most ridiculous thing in the world. communicating is so much more effective. (edit: i'm currently "fighting" with mel because we went out for a drink, and then he left a message on my voicemail asking if i wanted to smoke a joint...but by the time i got it, it was too late...and i have no weed. cuntrag.)


Do you like to...


1. Do you like to give hugs? i love huge, all encompassing hugs.
2. Give back rubs?: if i'm getting one in return or if i'm trying to accomplish something...
3. Take walks in the rain?: YES
4. You ever have that falling dream?: nope
5. What is on the walls of your room?: aquarius poster, angel poster, collage of freak pictures that i made and a huge picture of dave.
6. When you chew gum, what kind?: icebreakers all the way baby
7. Do you use chap stick?: i do! but sincec i lost it just before i went to DC, i've bought 3 new ones, and haven't been able to keep track of them. i've become such a scatterbrain...


In the last month have/did you...

1. Drink?: oh god yes
2. Smoke?:tons
3. Do drugs?: hell yes
4. Have Sex?: bah.
5. Made Out?: thank god
6. Go on a date?: noooooooo...do people really *date* these days?
8. Go to the mall?: fuck no
9. Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: blech.
10. Eaten sushi?: no. but that sounds good.
11. Been on stage?: No.
12. Been dumped?: No.
13: Had someone unfaithful to you?: no. though...nevermind.
14. Watched The Smurfs?: la la la la la la
15. Hiked a mountain?: there's lots of hills at the gorge...does that count?
16. Made homemade cookies?: nope.

1. Are you popular?: what the hell kind of question is that?
2. Are you pretty?: i can be.
4. What is your favorite word to say?: word.
5. What is your favorite phrase to say?: pish posh
6. What are you doing right now?: getting ready to go to sleep
7. What song are you listening to?: "i can't seem to find the quiet inside my mind". i'm not actually listenign to that, but i'm not listening to anything, so it's quiet so...nevermind.
8. What are you wearing?: a shirt and underwear.

Preferences-pick.

1. Cold or hot?: cold. unless i wanna be hot.
2. Lace or satin?: satin
3. Blue or Red?: blue
4. New or old?: new
5. Rain or snow?: R.A.I.N. no snow EVER.
6. Give or receive?: receive because i've given.
7. Wool or cotton?: cotton. but i really like wool sweaters.
8. Rose or Daisy?: rose
9. Private school or public school?: public
10. Chocolate milk or plain milk?: i hate milk. but i love chocolate milk once in a blue moon. if it's really really cold...
11. Celsius or Fahrenheit?: F*
12. Spring or Fall?: spring!
13. Inny or outty?: inny
14. Now or then?: NOW
15. How many fingers am I holding up?: three
16. Scent?: didn't i already answer that?
17. English or Math?: i. hate. math.
18. Bath or shower?: i adore showers. haven't taken a bath in...i don' tknow...6 years?
19. Bedtime phrase?: g'night
20. Self-stick or lick?: lick tastes so gross
21. Cursive or print?: all capitals.
22. Do you like surprises?: i wish i got more!
23. Paranoid or Cautious?: cautious
24. Heights or Crowds?: crowds. heights are scary.
25. Half-full or half-empty?: Half-full
26. Top or bottom?: bottom
27. Do you/Would you dye your hair?: yup yup
28. Speeding or running red lights?: i am a good, law abiding citizen at all times. (puff puff puff)
29. Gold or silver?: silver
30. Bad habits?: i'm perfect. who are we kidding.
31. Piercing?: i want to pierce my toungue...but it's $50...and that's a concert ticket
32. Erogenous Zone(s)?: neck...wait...i can't think about this right now
33. "Maybe" or "Mebbe?": maybe far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
35. What do you wish you'd done?: nothing. my life rules.
36. Fetish?: i'm workin on that one
37. Do you have one of THOSE voices?: yes
38. Jammies or naked?: underwear.
39. Neurotic or psychotic?: neurotic
40. Do you talk to yourself?: all. the fucking. time.

I met a new one and she looks just like you
She gives me everything that you didn't want to
And maybe I don't need saving after all
She sticks in my ribs almost better than you did
And maybe I'm tired or maybe she glows

I wonder if you're still defending
I wonder if you're still defending

Met someone with your eyes and skin
I can convince her of everything
And baby, it's so delicious you should
Come here and see for yourself
"I'm gone", you said, "if this is all there is…
You'll never shine alone

And I wonder if you're still defending
I wonder if you're still defending

You've been so wrong
For so long now

(I can fall alone if all
if I can fall away)

I've kissed others lips
And they promised me healing
It's easy if you try

so i can't relate at all to those lyrics i just posted, but i fucking love that song. and all of his songs, for that matter.

Took your words like you said I should
and look at what good they've done me
I've played support system, you played victim
and look at what good it's done
and you trip me up
leave me strangled with your akward, untouchable lips
It's a cruel world, I've found
It's a cruel world, but I'm a lucky boy

You're so glorious, you're a waste of time, love
You're the safety in lying
You are radiator heat, you're the winter blankets sleep
You're the excuse that I use when I want to stop trying
And start waiting for the sky to fall
They tell me it's a cruel world that I've found
It's a cruel world and I'm a lucky boy

You're not gold to me
I was wrong
You're not gold and there'll be
Centuries left when you're gone.

oops.

ummmm...so...yeah. hm. yeah...just...hm.

i had my suspicions that strange things were happening this month as far as my sign goes. and then i went and read this, and it was completely confirmed. it's just...really fucking strange.

the more you love
the more you feel
the more you'll understand

forgive me, heavenly father, for i have sinned.

it has been two weeks since my last show.

(and i want more. i want more now.)

it always amazes me how you never really realize how much you've changed until you're around the people who have known you the longest. or someone you haven't been in touch with in a long time.

i just got such a sense of that when i was emailing my friend aidan in england. granted, it's only been like 3 weeks since we last emailed, but i could still feel it.

and it's so weird because there's certain people from home who i really want to talk to. but there's others that i just keep putting off phonecalls to. and it's not so much a conscious effort, but it's definitely evident. i love talking to jack. or bob or jeremy. or even kim on occasion. but jane and matt and brian and even maggie to some extent...i just know that when i call them, they're going to focus on all the drama in their lives, and, as selfish as it sounds, i don't want to listen to it knowing that at no point will i be asked how things are in my life...not so much because they're unwilling, but because...well, they really don't even think about it.

i'm babbling.

so i'm listening to "crush" from vancouver. and i'm sitting here, vividly remembering the whole thing...

holy god, it was intense.

towards the end of the vocals, dave was just...completely into it. so much so that his eyes were just brimming with tears, with his head thrown back, wailing the lyrics. and you can hear that when it gets to that point.

then to top it off, there's the kras solo, that has been completely inspired by the previous part of the song, and that can definitely be considered off the hook.

so i'm listening again. =)

so i'm not going to alpine. why, you ask? because of bumbershoot. and i am very glad to see that the line up is starting to look very very promising.

we were at this astrology store somewhere in seattle sometime this weekend, and i found a book that is so amazingly right on(with exceptions of course) that i had to buy it.

read a piecec of it last night, and this is one of the passages that stuck out:

"she may be an emotional virgin throughout life, or at least until she experiences her first irrational, uncontrolled urge to be with someone and pour her soul out - an experience that is apt to shake here to the core."

i'm doing an ok job of controlling said urge at the moment, but...we'll just see how long it lasts.