i can't very well talk about the impending doom of iran's decision to "defy us" alongside a gorge discussion, so i'm choosing the latter. don't burn the day, baby.

tomorrow will commence my 5th weekend of dmb-at-the-gorge. in case you haven't caught on, it is, in fact, my favorite weekend of the year, every year. unless you include last year, where red rocks was not just my favorite weekend of the year but my favorite weekend ever. right now, i'm composing a shopping list in an attempt to stay way UNDER budget, as i have not had a job in 2 months and have spent a grand total of $8 in the past 2 weeks in preparation for the upcoming 3...unless, of course, you count josh's birthday, on which occassion i spent far far more than i care to admit to.

ahem.

anyway.

this year's gorge experience is sure to be far different from the rest. i thought last year's crew was small...this year it is microscopic in comparison to times past. as a lead in, i'd like to do a little stroll down memory lane.

2001 - oh, 2001, my innagural touring year. aside from the madness that insued not one but two nights before we actually headed out, it was a magical experience. the party at mel and lisa's was never to be met again, there was drama-rauma with nate's then girlfriend, but more than anything else it was an incredible communal experience. also my first time seeing "lover lay down," and therefore the first time i actually liked the song. and who could forget night 2's after-show demon-raising btcs singalong - TWICE. and watching the sun rise over our crater...and lenelle losing her class ring...heart to hearts and confessions of undying love all around...

2002 - i got to have back surgery instead of attending. but hey, you gotta learn how to deal with dissapointment at some point, right?

2003 - this was my favorite year. not just because i had someone to share it with and lots of sex, but because it was the perfect group(sans bobbo). they only played 2 nights that year, but they were TIGHT shows, with incredible encores. and really, we were all just so in love with eachother. killer kickball game, killer bachelorette party(i have never had so much fun with 7 women in my life), and just an amazing feeling of peace and love and calmness. it was also the last year that "everyone" made it, as then began the weddings and child birthings and such. i'll never forget when guys and girls seperated while camping one night...errupting into shouts of our variously gendered stereotypes, and then greeting the cops that had come to tell us to put the fire out...

2004 - strangely enough, this begins the years that i just don't remember that well, probably due to a lack of pictures and reminiscing. oh, and alcoholic drug induced debauchery as well. the shows? couldn't really tell you anything other than that they were really fantastic. shellie, greg and jack allowed me to completely huddle into this little bubble of laughter and inside jokes, to the detriment of some of my other friendships. not long term detriment, but a few were definitely not happy with me...i'll never forget after night 2, in the car with those 3 and megs, smoking ourselves to oblivion. and then, as i got out to catch some fresh air, someone was playing guitar and singing in the circle by the fire, and his sillouette was cast upon the great rock walls around us in the most perfect and awe-inspiring way.

2005 - oh lord. this was the amanda-megs-huffy-mel weekend. de.bau.chery. granted, there were other wonderful people present, but the four of us really just ripped it up. i adore small groups of people who inhabit such large portions of my heart. i'll never forget the brownie induced lethargy of night 2, complete with standing in the only spot we could find - in front of the little food areas which were spewing greasy smoke all over us. but hey - they played "you never know" that night.

oooh, gorge. i can't fucking wait to drive out of the cascades into the desert...i can't wait to see the COLUMBIA in all it's glacial-run-off wonder and giggle and head into our campsite (aka: "the crater that god forgot") and watch falling stars for hours and just spending 3 days of completely carefree time in my favorite environment because of my favorite band.

and the shows...oh, the shows. the only 3-night stand of the tour - this is a very, very good thing. tomorrow night i'll be sitting 8th row center with my favorite seat partner in the most beautiful venue...

MMMM MMM GOOD.

1. LA or New York?
NY!! so many times over... i really cannot stand LA. at all. ew. get it off me.

2. Red or White wine?
red. red zinfandel. mmmmm.

3. What's something a member of the gender you prefer can wear to turn you on?
certain scents.

4. What's something a member of the gender you prefer can wear to turn you off?
certain scents

5. Who was the last person you kissed?
i can't remember. good god...someone kiss me soon please? jesus!


6. Favorite cuss word?
fuck

7. Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
water


8. Blondes or Brunettes?
brunettes

9. WHat's something you always have on you?
my shockingly clever wit and disarming smile


10. Do you stay awake in bed thinking or do you fall asleep in 5 seconds?
um...i think for about 243 seconds, then sleep


11. What celebrity would you like to fight the most?
i'd rather fight the people who follow celebrity gossip...fight them WITH KNOWELDGE. :)


12. What's the last thing that made you cry or got you teary eyed?
when it was finally established that he just doesn't want me

13. What's your favorite holiday?
new years eve

14. What are you listening to right now?
traffic.

15. Are your parents still together?
nope. dad died when i was 6. mom never remarried. apparently my dad's death is mentioned in a new book about the coruption of the border patrol in arizona. i should read it.


16. If you inherited $20 million, what are the first 5 things you'd do with the money?
1) pay off debt 2) charity 3) school 4) travel 5) save


17. What was the best year of your life?
last one

18. Why?
i usually go with my stock "every year is better than the last" answer, but let's face it - 26 has been tough. so i might skip it from now on.

19. Have you ever flown first class?
yes. though i don't really remember cuz i'd been up for 3 days playing with jen and matias and bill and rach.

20. Who was your first kiss?
i have three different categories: the one that involves kiss chase played when i was 5, the one that involves the kiss i got during spin the bottle that mortified me, and the one that first actually made me weak in the knees. and i'm not answering specifics.
ages for those, though? 5, 14 and 21 respectively.


21. What are you SUPPOSED to be doing right now?
figuring out my life or something.

22. Are you gonna do it?
sure...eventually...

23. What's the best thing a member of your gender preference can do to turn you on?
be someone i'm attracted to. it's a fairly difficult thing to accomplish, and once you get there you're good to go - you're just attractive, period. otherwise...hm...intelligence. or play in a band.

24. Pro Life or Pro Choice?
chiggity choice

25. Favorite physical features on the opposite sex?
eyes hands smile lips shoulders back hands hands eyes neck jaw line mmmmmmmm. oh, and i am in fact a big fan of the cock as well. it must be said.


26. Whats the date today?
8/30/06

27. How old are you today?
26

28. Who do you have a crush on that doesn't know yet?
NO ONE. wow, what a difference it makes, too. or does it? or doesn't it? hm. does telling make the "crush" go away? hm... what's a crush anyway? i'm losing sight of the meaning of these things...

29. Best movie you've seen this year?
capote

32. Ever been in love?
i don't know.

33. Who makes you laugh the most?
bill and bri

34. Where do you want to be living in 20 years?
here-ish. or in south america. fuck...or maybe way way north so i don't die from bug bites because it'll be so hot the bugs will never die off...

35. What was the last CD you bought?
thom yorke

36. South Park or Simpson's?
south park

37. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner?
dinner

38. When was the last time you talked to your mom?
two days ago

39. Have you ever written a song?
yup. first few were when i was like 10. they're amazing.

"shadows of love circle around me
shadows of love circle around you
they bring us together forever and ever
shadows of love will always, always be there
always, always be there"

if you're nice, i'll sing them to you sometime.

40. Can two people be "just friends"?
i posess an uncanny ability to be "just friends" with anyone i deem worthy of being in my life period(wow, THAT sounded egomaniacal). i excel at platonic reltionships. and i love them! but as i get older, i find people have more and more difficulty with it. sad, really. cuz i sure do like male friends. but i DO like male more-than-friends, too, a fact i think gets hidden at times. blast. DO YOU HEAR ME FATES??? THEY DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE PLATONIC!!!



ahem.



43. American, Cheddar, or Swiss cheese?
cheddar. the sharper the better.

44. What was the best thing about high school?
the fact that i adore the boys i was friends with back then more now than i did then.

45. Favorite movie quote?
i don't do quotes.

46. Are you [sleepy]?
strangely, i am

47. When was the last time you were drunk?
josh's birthday...a...week ago?

48. What do you want on your tombstone?
something from "pig" or "You never know." not sure what and i don't feel like thinking about it

49. Your name spelled backwards?
adnama

50. Where were your parents born?
rapid city and douglas

51. What is the last thing you downloaded on your computer?
liam pictures!

52. What's your favorite restaurant?
bazil's. OOH. i get to go there in like 2 weeks!

53. What's one thing most people don't know about you?
anything about my love/crush/sex life - unless you're involved. :) i'm a pretty frickin private person...unless you get me to break the seal, in which case you're sure to come across hours of amanda-babbling time. good luck with that.

54. Are you in love?
not with a person

55. Are you single?
yup

56. What type of music you dislike most?
rap


57. Are you registered to vote?
yeee


58. Do you have a car?
yup

59. One thing you want right now?
a little bout of really good kissing


60. Ever prank call anybody?
yup

61. If you could be a famous person for a day who would you be?
does dave's wife count?

where the hell is 62????

63. What's the farthest place you ever traveled?
hawaii or the carribean...

64. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
getting a phd


65. What is the size of your bed?
quizzle

ABC's of me (thanks, nikki!)

A is for age: 26
B is for beer of choice: mac n jacks or twilight
C is for career: learner
D is for your dog's name: no lo tengo
E is for essential item you use everyday: whole foods generic brand peppermint chapstick
F is for favorite fast food place: than bros. pho. yuuuuum. just had some.
G is for favorite game: balderdash or spit
H is for Hometown: tucson, az
I is for instruments you play: i think i should learn to play bass
J is for favorite juice: cranberry
K is for who you would like to kiss: a boy. i'm trying not to be picky. it's hard.
L is for last place you ate: than bros!
M is for favorite movies: frida, eternal sunshine
N is for full name: amanda allison
O is for overnight hospital stays: back surgery almost exactly 4 years ago
P is for phobias: spiders
Q is for quote: everyday should be a good day to die
R is for your biggest regret: screw 'em
S is for status: super single
T is for time you wake up: late
U is for underwear you're currently wearing: black silk
V is for vegetable you love: red bell peppers
W is for worst habit: scratching
X is for x-rays you've had: mri's, teeth, collar bone, leg/foot...pretty much everything
Y is for yummy food you ate today:pho pho pho!
Z is for zodiac sign: aquarius

nickel creek is done for the forseeable future!!! ah!! not good waking up news, especially after last night of tormented, crying dreams. but but but...they're so frickin amazing live! who will douse my soul with love like them?

hm.

anything else?

uuuuuuuuh...

i had a lot of brownie/tea induced thoughts saturday night, and i'm not sure i can stay on this myspace thing. it's definitely a compromise to all of my beliefs, mainly because it IS owned by fuckwad murdoch of fox. and you know they're itching for the latest marketing scheme. and they basically own 100 million people...their personalities and habbits and trials and loves....it's freaky.

good thing i still have that blogger blog going! :)

just got an email from the Office O' Financial Aid...

they've revised my award again. and just as last quarter, they've replaced a $2000 loan with $2000 in scholarship money instead, making my entire tuition for next quarter FREE. FREE FREE FREE. plus, i still have a subsidized loan for extra fees, books, and living costs. but it's much less than the original $3000 amount. FREE FREE FREE school because i've done SO WELL. that's what reward is about :)

how does it feel?


feels like a threat...of what's in your head that you'd rather forget...

gorge is in one week. and i really don't know how we're going to get out there, but one week from right now i will be about to soak up the sun at my favorite place ever. AND? i get to sit with my favorite seat partner for night one, from my favorite seats. think they'll open with my favorite song? hmmmm.

expanding on a previous blog...

there's some people in my seattle life who fufill very specific spots. well, duh, amanda. what i mean here is people like matt... a few others come to mind as well(hello, crafty. i think johnny gets the base of it - our initial bonding point. and larry. and others...). why? because they're big dead/phish/jamband fans. matt shared some stories with me the other night that made me ridiculously happy, not because of their content, but because it's fairly difficult to find people who understand what happens when you have that much passion for a band and have experienced the rather unique encounters that come with meeting people who also follow and thrive on and intently feel the music that has sculpted your life. at one point, when i was in the initial throes of the newness of these people who i was beginning to share my love with, i thought there could be nothing outside of it. it was more exclusionary, despite the wide open arms that had accepted me. now, though, i see that they have been established instead as a touchstone, or a base of people who always love me for exactly who i am and will always know the big events of my life. but yes, i have in a sense moved on. again, though - so nice to come across people who understand it. especially right now. and it's quite pleasant to run across people who also know(and don't care about) the stigma associated with loving a "jamband." lord only knows how many times i've been judged once people find out about my dmb thing - mostly because they hear a few 8 minute songs edited down to 3 minutes for the radio, and pass judgement based on that (because i must CLEARLY be a musical novice if i like such sludge as that, despite the fact that my tastes run farther abroad than most, and despite the fact that i have collectively about 16 years of musical experience with voice, instruments, theory...ok, i'm ranting...)and the fact that hardcore dorks swarm to bask in the acceptance these communities lavish...but anyway...

also expanding...blake and i were talking about motherhood. and population control. and the formation of neural pathways within the first months of life, and how they're set almost immediately, forming the way for how a person feels their entire body and therefore their experience both physical and mental. which lead me to my kinda-connundrum with the whole motherhood experience. the past year or so has seen a bursting in my soul to have a child. this is despite all logical notions to the opposite. i really honestly could not bring myself to have a child NOW, because i'm not ready, nor could i LATER because the world i live in is not a place for children. my social conscience won't allow for it - the abbreviated version being that a lot of people i know and love voted for dubya. twice.

here's where my spiritual beliefs provide so much solace and acceptance, though. because i do believe that i have had the motherhood experience. and i do believe that i will again...if not later in this life via adoption, then sometime much further down the road. right now, though, for me it would be a purely selfish indulgence because my biology is screaming for procreation because it's wired to think that my "race" or whatever will die out without it. but i don't think the mexican, OR sweedish, OR lebonese in me is in any danger of dying out because of lack of babies.

it's intense, though. every time i see a baby or a toddler, i'm prompted to actually say out loud "i want one." and i can sense that longing to see the Man I Love holding Our Child ready to pop out should i actually come across a Man I Love who Loves Me Back. oh, but that's another story...

on another note - i just harvested some BEANS! from my garden! YES!!!

did i mention that this man who has my heart who does not want me roams in the same close knit circle of friends as me? did i mention he is roomates and close friends with my best friend? hm.

in any case, i suppose if there were two people capable of just carrying on as it always has been, it's him and i. i haven't quite been able to make eye contact with him yet, but i'm working on it. and i suppose our non-acknowledgement of eachother each of the 5+ times we've seen eachother in the past week is not all that unusual. frickin aquarians.

oh, and i had to email him our horoscope today, because it really amused me.


"At the Coachella music festival, I found myself next to a guy sporting a rainbow mohawk and wearing a red, white, and blue speedo, black socks, golf shoes, a striped necktie, angel wings, a red clown nose, and a battered hard hat with a sticker that read "Martinis and brown rice." At one point he turned to me and said, "You know what I like most about being an Aquarius? It's a never-ending opportunity to send out mixed messages in a friendly, non-manipulative way." That got me to thinking about how most of us are addicted to thinking in simplistic categories and obsessed with making sense. Sending out mixed messages, therefore, can be valuable if it's done in a spirit of compassionate play, because it subverts those bad habits. Of all the signs in the zodiac, you Aquarians do this best. I hope you ply your specialty lavishly in the coming weeks. People in your life have an acute need to get their certainties scrambled."

he responded with a jab about "typical aquarians" and then a little insight to the lesson he has planned for his class tonight. and good lord, do i want to sit in on that class.

hm.

our horoscope for this month is also quite interesting. yes, in case you didn't know, he and i were born one day(and several years) apart. we have the same sun sign and the same rising sign. where we differ is that my moon is intensely passionate and moody, whereas his is obsessive compulsive and orderly.

joshua and i were trying to work through things the other night over drinks. because josh is said roomie/close friend of the male in question, we tend to discuss it. he said something along the lines of "he never respected you and you never really connected." maybe it wasn't quite that harsh, but it made me think a lot.

hm again.

i just harvested some pole beans from my garden. they should mix with some freshfromthegarden dill and lemon just swell as accents to the chicken i intend on grilling for dinner.

i am TOTALLY in love with some very specific things right now. you wanna hear about them? DO YA????



first and foremost, peanut butter and jelly and honey sandwiches. i'm onto the wave of the future.

i beat mel! and it's not so much that i beat mel as that i beat mel without talking shit AND that i beat anybody at all. YES.

the band is back on west coast soil. i bet they're releived. i know i am.

my friend matt LOVES jambands and totally gets that vibe and the familial relations that result and that connection, and yet STILL at the same time gets the fact that those people are family, and that you can still have deeply meaningful relationships outside of it.

trying to make friends with bartenderwhohatesme seems to have succeeded. and i am VERY happy about it.

blake. my friend blake. we had the most fucking fantastic conversation about spatial layouts of different demographics, and it was really fucking fulfilling. you wanna know the way to my heart? talk in some kind of academic speech...or just "i've experienced this" speech. when you start to not only conceptualize the many fucked up parts of our beings, but applying them in ways that help some small station of the human race...well, then you're striving towards a life that will make future ones better. i'm all for it.

i'm glad pooks' birthday turned out well. deserving boy, that one.

my ice princess profile pic is interesting to me. i can't seem to find any other that quite fits my mood. and usually, i change those fairly regularly. but right now...ice princess...yes...though, i did just dye my hair "prettyclosetoblack" so, yeah...

things are changing. mainly just because i'm headed into my end'o'the summer trips. but in those trips i get to chill, swim, see FIVE concerts of the band that i know will heal me, and be bathed in attention by boys who don't know how much i love them. but really do. this summer has been...well, revolutionary in so many low key, not that revolutionary ways. i'm a big fan.

and...i'm a big fan of the huge network of people i know just in the seattle area. jesus knows i've got networks going around the world. but the one in this city...well...fucking holy shit, it's comprised of some vastly different disguises. and nights like tonight not only remind me of how much i love the people i'm around all the time and how lucky i am, but of how much musical diversity there is in this pool as well - and that i'm not alone in my need for physical expression of soundscapes and life.

that means - DANCING.

so much love...

hello.

i'm confused.

and because of this confusion, i have done what i have not done since...oh, at least 4 years ago. i'm consulting my divination book, and using playing cards to do readings to try and get some insight. i don't even know where my actual tarot cards are, which means they're probably no good anymore anyway. and i have quite collected enough stones for a full set of runes, so it's bicycle jumbo index playing cards all the way. they're red. i like them.

i was just taken back, though, to times spent with one of the many megan's who have passed through my life. sitting on her front porch in tucson, drinking soco and coke and talking for infinite amounts of time about the mystical aspects of love and life, feeling the complexity of it all with such passion and curiosity. doing readings based on feelings for this or that guy; focusing on astrological signs and What That Means...fun times.

so now, yes, i'm reverting. not just because of this consistent overwhelming desire for all parts of someone who says flat out "amanda, i'm not the one," and not just because i'm confused about whether these feelings are habitual or real, but because i just don't get it period. i believe in my instinct and intuition and it is screaming that there is something i'm missing here. this might just be because i'm somewhat in denial that my instinct has made me into a delusional girl. i mean, i'd accept it if it actually felt true. but, folks, despite my neverending bad luck and questionably bad taste in the men i pick, my instinct has never been wrong. not even once. sure, i've known that "he" isn't "the one," and had doubts and still gone with it, but i've recognized those doubts. and this time...they just weren't there! i mean, i knew it'd be complicated and something to work on, but fuck it- i love complexity AND working on things! so, yes, i'm confused. and yes, i'm trying to get clarity through playing cards because i just can't seem to get it any other way.

so what have they said so far? well...i shouldn't really choose the path of only providing bits of readings that say what i like the most, but i'm going to. my favorite parts so far have included relations to important relationships and new emtions...bursts of intuition that should be trusted...new starts after emotional setbacks or broken relationships, dealing specifically with unrequited love. recharging. short breaks.

hm. so yes. while the past few weeks have been magical in many ways and seen networking and new people as well as neverending love for the ones i see all the time, i can't get that thought out of myhead that sometimes comes through as a whine, and other times a desperate plea, and yet other times as just a statement of truth: "he just doesn't want me."

sometimes that's followed by thoughts of "does that mean we can just have sex so i can get this out of my system?" but i figure that's probably pushing it.

the chemistry of crying


(is not concerned with blame or fault)

current likes:

1. the past 12 or so days
2. pad thai with tofu!!!
3. the past 12 or so days
4. communication
5. brand new emotions
6. shellie and greg and greg and shellie
7. being co-dependent and ok with it(that's huge for me!)
8. insane amounts of fun being had with so many wonderful people since nickel creek 2 fridays ago
9. my gorge tickets just got here :)
10. the thrill of it all






Sunday, August 20, 2006

grass.


grass is stuck to random parts of me.

and there's something in my toe, but i can't figure out how to get it out because i can't figure out if it's a lie or real or what. or something.

long, stretched out parks are interesting loops of restricted celebration. and what i mean by THAT is that mertyle edwards park is a big long loopy loop...ok, well, nevermind.

but yes, the grass. causing rivits in my ankles and glitches in my brain.

let's hear it for late night showers and sleep.

don't give me that do good good bullshit


home, home again
i like to be here when i can
and when i come home cold and tired
it's good to warm my bones beside the fire


far away, across the field
the tolling of the island bell
calls the faithful to their knees
to hear the softly spoken magic spell

sometimes, you can sit and recollect and gather and just listen...and the call of some soulful melodious and sexually propelled memory glides in easing whatever it was that came before...

i like those times.

i'm calm in my welcome to nathaniel to the world.

i'm suprised that it is a white woman singing this exit from one life to another.

so glad shellie's here.

in love with all of my dmb people. really. really. thank fucking god. really.

do you know what it's like to have a list of people you can contact just to say "hey, could you list my good qualities please?" and hear such entertaining, original responses from people who just really want to make you feel better? so damned lucky...

beaches and long islands and slow cooked potatoes with cheese and the sproutings of beans on my very own bean plants...

6 more weeks til school...it's been an intense year :)

i would just like to say that my heart has been partially broken. and because of this i feel the need to share with you one of the things that was said by Him during my "why don't you want me?" talk(which lasted at least an hour).

it was: "amanda...i don't like dave matthews."

to which, luckily, we both broke out laughing. but really? REALLY? did someone ACTUALLY say that to me as a reason they can't be with me????? OH MY GOD. oh my god!

don't give me that do good good bullshit
home, home again
i like to be here when i can
and when i come home cold and tired
it's good to warm my bones beside the fire


far away, across the field
the tolling of the island bell
calls the faithful to their knees
to hear the softly spoken magic spell

sometimes, you can sit and recollect and gather and just listen...and the call of some soulful melodious and sexually propelled memory glides in easing whatever it was that came before...

i like those times.

i'm calm in my welcome to nathaniel to the world.

i'm suprised that it is a white woman singing this exit from one life to another.

so glad shellie's here.

in love with all of my dmb people. really. really. thank fucking god. really.

do you know what it's like to have a list of people you can contact just to say "hey, could you list my good qualities please?" and hear such entertaining, original responses from people who just really want to make you feel better? so damned lucky...

beaches and long islands and slow cooked potatoes with cheese and the sproutings of beans on my very own bean plants...

6 more weeks til school...it's been an intense year :)

turning your orbit around


it's the journey, not the destination that matters the most, right?

right.

right.

so when the destination gets a little foggy, i can totally do the optimistic thing and focus on that little saying instead of completely succumbing to thoughts that i'm delusional. i'm not delusional! it's just the journey... the journey. it matters. much more. than the destination. yes. good thing i really like journeys. yes.

i guess i could keep being vague. but i shan't! i shan't! instead, i'll move on to the other subject: summer baby number 2 is here! and i don't know his name yet, but he's here :)

good. :)

hm. well. let's see.

i just got an email from a certain love of mine confirming his flight into the bay area for shoreline weekend. i'm filled with love...

i went camping this weekend with greggie and jeremy and SHELLIE. and i just do so enjoy nature, even if you can hear the white noise of the freeway. and i'm convinced that camp-fire smell does in fact take root in nose hairs and stay for a while.

so much fun the past few nights, and so much good live music. again - marcus eaton next monday night in fremont for free at nectar. good, good time(with you)...even if it does prompt me to do things like call and harass poor innocents(read: noah and his incredibly cute ass) late at night.

dags tonight, oh dags tonight. i know i always get a bit lightheaded and croony when one of their shows is upon us, but the crocodile...really just means THAT much to me.

having shellie around is SO refreshing because all of my ever-so-witty inner dialogue can come out. our level is a great one. i'd forgotten.

my europe trip in april is shaping up...quite incredibly. we'll be flying into barcelona, and staying there for a few days before moving on to a week in tarragona, which is on the mediterranean. god, is that how you spell that? i think we'll then jaunt into south france, and then we're moving on to ZURICH. jeeze, i'm a lucky girl.

and...yes...there are other things, too.

starin' down the stars...


guess who's going to spain in april?? HA!!!!!!! me!!!!!!!!

this is not at all helping my overwhelming need for sex right now that was also exascerbated by that nickel creek show last night.

just had to share :)

look at me, dreaming of you
all i could hope is to have you
to have you walking with me
i feel so in love, we two
almost drunkenly i did embibe on this
fantasy of you on me

was i a fool to think
the way you looked at me
i swear you did
but you looked away too quick
was i a fool, was i a fool to think
that you would take me home as if i was yours
was i a fool to think at all

i've grown tired of love
you are the trouble with me
i watch you walk right by
i smile, you do not notice me
treat me recklessly
all you do is toss me pennies up
but the silence in me is screaming won't you come and get me

was i a fool to think
the way you looked at me
i swear you did
but you looked away too quick
was i a fool, was i a fool to think
that you would take me home as if i was yours
was i a fool to think at all

you make a mess of me
i'd dance a thousand steps for you
and if you'd say yes to me
i'd be whatever gets you through

i'm going to do my best to update here what i put on myspace, seeing as i've chosen to make my profile there private, and that means jen can't read the entries. and she's too old to get a profile, so i'm appeasing. for now.

LOVE!

BRADY!


have you seen these things? most specifically the video, but i personally found the article interesting as well.

blindness


the misplaced sexual frustration that leads to one saying that war can be necessary is just so far beyond me...i mean, don't get me wrong, i too can be a big feeler of the sexual frusteration thing, so i totally understand some initial neurotic feelings upon "not getting any" for an extended period of time(though that's all relative)...but how can it go down that violence and anger on an extreme scale route? jesus christ! why is it necessary and ok for anyone to bomb the shit out of anyone in the name of anything? EVER? maybe that's my irrational, unrealistic hippy mind coming into play. and i know it's not as simple as saying "fuck commerce, trade and territory, we need to just go fuck and forget about everything else!" but REALLY? if i see any more shots of these phallic rockets flying through the sky only to land on people who haven't even reached sexual maturity yet i'm going to...

well, something.

sex, though. yes, sex. it's a good thing. everyone should have more of it.



(what a mature thought to end on.)

thursday, august 3

pardon my n.p.r. influenced brain


a few things:

1. wal-mart. oh, wal-mart. i never liked you. i'm on year 2 of my somewhat painful target ban, but i never had to initiate any such measures against you because i just never liked you. and your "organics" brand? please. i mean, i suppose maybe possibly one MIGHT consider it a move in the right direction. but i am not one of those. i consider this a very precarious move in a market that is already in dire need of regulation. anything can be labled "organic," really, and i'm sure that it's only a matter of time before we find out you are one of the main perpetrators of this crime. good portfolio ya got goin on there.

that said, it has been said that should a major corporation such as macdonald's or wal mart invest in organics, the final thrust might be given towards making organics More Affordable(i have another rant on this illusionary complaint, but that's another story). and while this might be true - I JUST DON'T CARE. why? because sure, getting hormones and pesticides out of your body is great, but who the fuck cares what's going into your body when your soul is still missing? places like wal-mart enforce the ultimate value in our society that is making us all sick - consumerism. over consumption. big box stores perpetuate the mentality that we need more things, which eats away at the quality of our lives. your child does not need more toys! they need time with you, out in nature!! a sustainable lifestyle supposedly at least hinted at by the buying of organic food does not include buying lots of cheap crap before your old cheap crap has even begun to fade! sustainable lifestyles do not include buying as fashion dictates, and because of this, i really don't give a shit which mechanisms places like wal-mart use to try and offset the fact that they treat their employees like shit, perpetuating a norm which says it's ok for CEO's to make 15 times more than their lowest paid workers, a norm which says that a person who can't afford to go to the doctor should medicate himself by buying a new whatnot, and a norm which says - hey! see? we're ok! we're "organic."

2. the nightly news tonight covered a piece on the backing of israel by evangelical christians. ha. haha. how fun. according to the bible, many of the signs of the "end of days" are occurring RIGHT NOW, and the jewish nation of israel deserves the full support of the christian community, as they wage the battle of armageddon. when asked his opinion of the fact that this belief means that these christians are under the belief that soon, all israli jews will be either killed or converted to christianity, he responded by pointing out that we do not yet know whether it is going to be the coming of christ or the return of christ, and until this is made clear he is not going to worry about it.

???????

in any case, i'm SUPER STOKED that a major network covered this story. and that they showed many high-up members of our government participating in a recent convention held in washington on this topic. now if only they'd do a story on the phenomenon of SELF FULFILLING PROPHESY.

3.) this minimum wage fiasco. fucking a. i hate how there are ten billion things always fucking tacked in to otherwise well meaning laws - if you consider a slow, 3-year raise in the minimum wage that still will not be as high as washington state's well meaning. in any case. i heard many view poiints on the tip credit that will be included in this law(that WILL pass because republicans want there lowered estate taxes, stupid mother fuckers), and i'm totally unsure as to how this will effect servers in washington, as we are one of 7 states that mandates the payment of minimum wage to servers. but i do know that i hate listening to lawyers speak. yeah.

4.)my bbq is working and it is my favorite thing EVER.

5.) having west nile virus would suck

6.) my mom called a while ago having a melt down. she's going through some of my brother's boxes. and apparently an "energy healer" she met says she needs to be more emotional. and so do i. right. riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

wednesday, august 2

it melts into wonder


aaaah, memories. i was just having some bonding time with my Favorite Song of All Time(now available in youtube format in my profile, thanks corniness)... i may go through phases with others, but this one will always reign supreme. it plucks at those heart chords that make you want to dance and laugh and cry an really just collapse into a totally entwined snarl of sex. and yes - so many memories. i remember one show where it opened...they walked out on stage, and i lapsed into the most wonderful kiss with the person i was sitting with just as the first chords were played...i remember quoting it in a goodbye letter to someone i thought i could never live without...always being able to just "feel" it when it was going to be played at any given show i was at...driving around, his hand on my knee, geeking out over it's greatness with someone i was falling in love with, only to have it played that night, and hugs shared...with soulive in 2001...the fucked up version at golden gate - one of the best group festival experiences of my life...it's inclusion in the greatness that was 9.11.05 confirming my suspicions that it was to be the best night of my life...

in any case, it's just home. i remember conversations about music in which people expressed the pain of having specific songs or albums attached to relationships and what not that had since ended...but i think i prefer it this way. this song, as well as others, mark so many dimensions of my life and bring back memories that i hope never fade, no matter their content. i'm thankful that i have these songs as constantly evolving containers for the complexities of my life experiences.



come and see
i swear by now i'm playing time against my troubles, oh
i'm coming slow but speeding
do you wish for a dance?
and while i'm in the front
my play on time is won
oh, but the difficulty is coming here

i will go in this way
and find my own way out
i won't tell you what to be
but i'm coming to much more - me
all at once the ghosts come back reeling in you, no
oh, tell me what if they came down crushing
used to be that you and me
played for all the loneliness that nobody notices now
begging slow
i'm coming
lonely, waiting
i wanted to stay
i wanted to play
i wanted to love you
i'm only this far
and only tomorrow leads my way
i'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head
please
i wouldn't pass this by
i wouldn't take more like me
what sort of man goes by
i will bring you water
why won't you ever be glad?
it melts into wonder
i came in praying for you
why won't you run into the rain and play -
let all the tears splash all over you



and then...well, then you just dance :)

ONE MONTH til gorge. and then shoreline. and easy breathing.

monday, july 31

tweet tweet


walk...bouncing these new tunes, shake that ass, bite that lip, twist up. solitary moments of eye contact, earch bound and entrenched. but i'll follow that upward gaze - acropolis, you patch of blue. energy. a blatant hole, twist up, drive home, drink coffee, kill the king, kill the king...

-

how is it july fucking 31st?

the city's effects on loneliness is a very interesting plane to ponder. creates a good flow, at least. because really, in the city, you are always around people. this gives loneliness a whole new vessel through which to flourish or die or do whatever the hell it does. this really says a lot about how suburbia has effected our fears and our doubts and therefore our literal and metaphoric(al?) paths. and as we all know that family is one of the fundamental and all sculpting societal institutions(punctuated so nicely by the seperate but not really institution of marriage)...well, it just gives some more perspective on space.

-

a-ha-ha!

the building across the street is open! super dooper! and silly me thought that that would mean all the noises would stop(pounding and drilling and sawing and ploinking metal planks down...truckloads full!!). but no, no! now, we have all the noise PLUS the always entertaining traipsing through of bmw-driving(for the record, i just typed "dmb" there instead of "bmw."), clad in cellphone earpieces - always in place for convenient, extra-easy communication - realtors whoring out these "modern, sustainable living spaces."

thursday, july 27

it was a slippery slope


surrounded by so much love and so much support. which i think sometimes serves to amplify the absolute loneliness that comes in waves - no matter how far apart they are. so much energy spent "being healthy" and coping and dealing as much as you can. so much energy spent being patient and trying to accept that it just takes time...and yes, i do feel somewhat stupid when there is so much good and yet i can still feel this low.

and god, this thom yorke cd is good.

i'm feeling the effects of choices i've made - specifically in regards to putting grief aside in favor of school...and work...and i don't regret it. and i am definitely seeing and feeling myself surface again after months of repression that didn't just target the grief. i'm laughing louder and harder and frolicking and dancing in ways i'd totally lost touch with. but as i'm feeling those heights again, the lows...oh, the lows and the grief. it's just really fucked up. and while i can't apologize, i do hope any of my friends who are affected by these swings of mine can have patience.

it's all just a big, interesting experiment. that line between control and letting go...focusing on good, yet accepting that sometimes you just have to feel like it's all falling apart, and try and trust that it'll pass. blah.

good things:
deep breaths
swimming
those vietnamese sandwiches. good god.
sunshine on skin
going to see my favorite family this weekend
openness with my mom(total double edged sword.)
being able to write about it
mint
males who can sing
walking around greenlake

yes.

and, of course, i could go into specifics of people and how much i love them, but for fuck's sake - those people get enough props! ;)

i'm coming home, i'm coming home
to make it alright, so dry your eyes
we think the same things at the same time
we just can't do anything about it...

thursday, july 20

BABY FREAK!!!!


the newest addition to my dmb family arrived a short time ago, and i am SO EXCITED!!!!! i love new [self-appointed] auntie duties!!!! i love babies! and i hope my friends keep having them because it temporarily puts a dent in that RAGING voice in my head trying to tell me that i want one NOW as well!

oh, god. and daddy nino has already sent out the welcome email, and i have pictures! and he was born during the interlude between "rapunzel" and "last stop" on btcs. aw! (my bet was "rapunzel.") (yes, we had a pool going.) (yes, i started it.)

welcome, liam. :)

oh my god!!!! love! and tears! love! love! love!!! (what more is there?)