[the following material is what i consider way too personal to share, but i dont' care right now. i want to share it. ]
i had the most magical experience tonight. i pray that i'll be able to hold onto it, because i can tell the next few days are gonna see me running a gammut of emotions.
gammut? no clue how to spell whatever word i'm trying to use, but bare with me.
everything has come full circle. as i've said before, i always have this moment before i go see shows, where i realize all that i've learned since the last show, ,and then the show itself serves as a healing period where it all comes together, and i'm somehow renewed and ready to take all i've learned into the next chapter of my life.
that said, take this into consideration: i haven't seen a show in 4 months. i've seen 2 shows in the past 7 months. and *incredible* amount has happened. it seriously takes my breath away right now, as i try and put my mind around it.
tonight, as i watched the gorge night 2 dvd for the third time since i got it (yesterday) i had the most amazing epiphany.
some people believe that everything is predestined. god has a plan, and your life will stick to it no matter what. others believe that we can completely control our destinies. everything is changeable. i've always leaned towards the later. but tonight it became clear to me JUST how true that is. just how much effect the slightest thing we do has on the rest of that minute...hour...day...the rest of our life. little things we say, tiny little gestures we make. every single thing has an effect on everything and every one around us. we completely shape our future.
it's such an overwhelming thing to fully realize all in a few bars of music. but it really really just became crystal clear to me. i guess based on what had happened all night.
and on the drive home i realized just how full circle everything has come. and i'm not just talking since my last show or in the last 7 months. i'm talking since that one day in december 2000 where i decided to make this insane decision to fly out of tucson in 4 days and to DC and put trust in this person i'd never ever met before and go to a show. it was a HUGE decision with a HUGE effect on my life. it carrried me out of a massive depression and made me see the whole world with new eyes and filled me with this awesome sense of wonder and love and passion and opened my eyes to this inner peace i didn't even have a concept of.
oh god, now i'm starting to cry.
it was a truly magical night. but so bittersweet. because as i was honestly having a wonderful time in my surroundings, enjoying the people i was around and avoiding the people i didn't want to be around, i let an amazing relationship slip out of my hands. ouch. i can't believe i just said it that bluntly. and it was what i had to do. i had to let it happen. and i still blew him a kiss. and i still gave him a hug as i left. i had a great time. they sat in the kitchen by themselves for forever, and i still went in to get beer, and i danced, and i took my time, and i smiled and sang and let him see how happy i was - because there just ain't hiding a happy amanda when she's got a big screen tv, an awesome stereo system, and gorge night 2 blasting WITH people she loves around her paying attention too.
but i didn't interfere.
i've been prepping myself to let go. because that's what i set myself up for. i made every situation i was in, both tonight and in nights past, but mainly tonight, perfect for him to move away from me and on to someone else. why did i do it? that's another long tangent that i've yet to really explore. but i *was* in complete control. and i let it happen. i let them sit there for hours and hours and talk. i heard some of the things he was saying to her at one point, and i couldn't help but thing: "how can you tell all that to someone you just met? how can you just find that trust and just let it flow and tell her exactly what she wants to hear before you even know who she is and how she feels about it? how can you trust that once you tell her all that, once she knows exactly what you want to hear and exactly what you want her to be, everything from that point on isn't just a farce?"
and as much as i realize that this is what was in fact meant to happen, and as much as i really don't know where it's all going to go with her, i DO know that he wouldn't share that much time with someone he just wanted to fuck. and no matter what i think about her, she just might be around more often. and i do not like her. it's not territorial, it's not "she won, i lost." it's an actual problem. because i do not want this girl around me. i've dealt with enough shit in my life to know that there are few things i can't deal with, and to stay away from those few things, because it's not worth the energy wasted to deal with them. what is that going to do to what has become one of the most important relationships in my life? how am i going to deal with this, should it become something?
but i know that tonight was an ending of sorts. the whole full circle thing, you know? i don't want to share any more with this guy, no matter what happens with her. i mean, of course i do, but i can't. i've been in this situation before. and god, how i'm gonna want to keep our relationship at the level it's at as far as him telling me everything and vice versa, i know that's probably one of the stupidest things i could do. at least for now. i need a little time to heal. and it's gonna be hard to try and forge that distance. i'm not gonna want to do it. but god...
i don't know.
how do i make it SO easy on guys i'm so interested in to go for someone else. i encourage, i act like nothing's wrong, (though most of the time it's not acting - i'm having a good time doing my thing on my own, ,or with people who...i can just...do my own thing around).
you know what it is?
it's because no matter what happens, with any guy, if they don't want to be with me, if they can't see my love for life and who i am and not fall in love with that, i really just don't want them around. as much as i loved spending time with him and sharing so much, if that doesn't mean anything to him then fuck it("it don't take much to tell either you don't have the balls or you don't feel the same). i'll move on and it might suck, but it's what i have to do. because that level of cowardice is completely annoying.
i've learned so much lately about myself, and about my destiny and i am SO more than ready to find someone to share that with. and i will. but i've got so much fucking work to do on myself.
ALL of that said...
i am so ready to be back in seattle. the problem with my being there this last time(when i lived there) was that i was loving it there, but i knew i'd be coming back here to finish school. i still had one foot(and that is ALL) back in tucson. but now, i'm just waiting to get back there so i can restart my life and start working towards my goals. and i know that i can't right now and that i need to have my life be here right now because that's how it HAS to be. but. i really want to be back there. so i can settle back into my own skin, in my own space.
and i know the next few weeks are goign to be insane. dmb. howie. colin coming back after spending 6 months in KOREA. mikey coming back. jeremy's graduation. nik's graduation. matt's graduation. our christmas party. seeing some family i haven' tseen in a long time for christmas. NOT being able to see my loved ones at new years. but part of me wishes my time here could end right now. it may be cheating some of the relationships that have started forming, but i'm so stifled here.
i think.
i think i've hit a brick wall.
most of all, i just wanna share with people just how much seeing these shows next week is going to mean. and i'm going to share it with *everyone* simply because there's no certain SOMEone to channel all that energy towards.
