i never felt alone until i met you...

look! it's a "this blog only" post! wowzers!

a little scene setting - i'm currently doing some major cleaning/laundrying whilest blasting third eye blind's second album. i have a weak spot for this band. these albums can almost perfectly recapture that angst so specific to 18-20 year olds. all those new emotions...yeah...good times.

fun weekend. it was all halloweeny. i dressed up, which is unusual. great costume if i do say so myself.

the point?

what's the point... i mean i could really just type over and over "why doesn't he want me?" because i think that sums it up. but then it might sound desperate. and i'm not quite desperate.

but i really don't get it. not at all. every once in a while i'll catch him staring at me. and sometimes it's just blank. but then there's times like friday night where i swear to god he knocked the wind out of me in one split second glance. i could never even explain that look that i saw in his eyes. it was a new one, and it has made me even more uncertain.

in all actuality, i conduct our relations as if he's not interested. because that's what he said and that's what i have to go by. and after a little typical me and him non-avoidant avoiding, we are getting on famously. conversation is flowing perhaps better than ever, and when there are silences, we're able to either just stick with them, or make a joke.

and maybe i really just latch on to what i can't have. i don't know.

but this brings us to the second point. i am so lonely right now. and SO ridiculously horny. it's that god damned fall-syndrome, and it is screaming its presence all over my body. i feel like certain muscles are going to shrivel up and die if they aren't subjected to some erotic play sometime soon. but...i'm just...not interested in random sex, something it's been pounded in my head that i should just get over. and there are guys around, really good ones, who i know i could fling it up with.

but i just fucking want him. and it could be the death of me, i swear.

and i have writing about it like this, because it does make it sound a lot worse than it is. but that's what focused writing does, i suppose.

ugh.

i guess i'm just really trying to "do things right" right now. not lead on people i'm not interested in. be true to myself. learn lessons. blah blah. but why does it seem like the more i progress on that path, a path i feel is spiritually fitting for me, i become more responsible towards ALWAYS doing the progress-friendly thing, whereas so many people around me can just plead ignorance and they then fall into things so much easier... and i just cannot bring myself to play the games that people are consistently insisting i HAVE to play if i ever want anything to work out. and while i see the point, and i agree to some extent, when it comes down to it i just can't fucking play games when it comes to this stuff. with any part of it. i can engage in slight manipulations, but they have really rigid limits, and i think i outgrew game theory before i was even born. a lie's a lie's a lie. and there's something in my head that just says "if he can't own up to it, then fuck him." i just can't actualize that emotionally.

what am i saying...who knows...

ugh. and i see how he is with girls. random girls we run into, girls he meets at party's...and it's such a statement to his issues...and i just want to say to him "ok, are you done yet? aren't you tired yet? can't you just figure out that i am in fact not only the best thing out there, but the best thing out there for you, and just take me on a god damned date?"

right :)