definitely going through an introspective phase. but it's rather dulled by the monotony of my life at the moment.

interesting point, though. so yeah, i'm a total aquarian. i pretty much fit the profile ridiculously to a T. however, if you ever read up on aquarians, it speaks a lot of detachment and just...things of that nature(yeah, i'm having a hard time articulating things right now). BUT. my rising sign(or fuck...is it moon sign...) is scorpio. and this explains so many of the holes left in the aquarius explanation. because scorpios have extremely intense relationships. and with me, it may take a bit to pique my interest with people, but holy lord - hold on to your panties if i'm intrigued by someone or fall in love with them. my grip is quite tenacious, and i pretty much end up wanting to consume every detail of what makes that person who they are. but without the darkness of the scorpio mentality; i'm just interested in how individual personalities are molded and how they in turn sculpt the world around them.

and i think i've dealt with my detachment issues quite well, thank you.

luckily, i've managed to hold onto the aquarian disdain for jealousy, as scorpios are hands down the most jealous people out there.

anyway.

christmas was exceptionally good. it really was. just me, my mom and my brother on christmas eve and we had a really good time. then some friends came over christmas day, but still a small group. i'm just hellaciously bored at this point in time. bored with my life. bored with everything.

everything except my friday purchase. FINALLY bought the "my so-called life" series on dvd. been eying that baby for over a year now and i am loving watching it. my mom's been watching with me and we're both addicted. it's great.

oh my god i'm SO SAD!

my best friend's name is colin. he's amazing. he's been very absent from my life lately

my best friend has been very sheltered, has a brilliant mind, but has little common sense.

my best friend met a girl when he was living in korea and they've shared one intense experience after another for the past year and a half. i've supressed my doubts about this girl.

my best friend hasn't really talked to me for the past 9 months. we went out tonight, as he's visiting. i'm very very very worried about him.

my best friend's girlfriend, who has had him solely to herself for the past year and a half called towards the end of our night, extremely pissed and emotional and upset because my best friend hadn't called her when he said he would(about 20 minutes before she called.) she's also upset because rather than come home tomorrow, he's staying ONE extra day to see some family that's flying in that he hasn't seen in years.

i'm so fucking worried about my best friend.

i just watched driven. and i'm once again blown away and overwhelmed with this sense of well being and peace and bordering-on-euphoria becase i love that man and that band more than i could ever possibly express.

seriously.

soooo lucky.

ok, so this girl did the coolest thing over on her website. i adored it. so i took some time today and yesterday at work to come up with my own list of 100 things.

read mine, copy it, bold the things you agree with, change those you dont, post(yes, the things that are bolded are the things that are the same as christina's.).

01. I get very attached to my rings.
02. My fear of spiders gets worse with time.
03. When I'm at a concert, my focus is entirely on the music, and I sometimes think that I can control people around me who aren't paying attention by focusing harder.
04. I do believe that smoking weed brings higher understanding on one level or another.
05. I surprisingly get away with a lot.
06. I hate drama. I really really do.
07. I believe in love.
08. I'm scared of what the 2004 elections might bring.
09. I like to make new friends.
10. I never want to stop learning and changing and growing.
11. I have gotten over a lot of my trust issues in the past, but I know that with new romantic relationships, more will pop up.
12. I tend to collect the things people give to me.
13. I dont cook very often.
14. Chocolate milk is my comfort food.
15. I'm afraid of falling down stairs.
16. I'm a procrastinator.
17. I'm learning to embrace my neurotic female side.
18. I wouldn't kill for pleasure.
19. I'm still single.
20. I'm not afraid of death.
21. One of the core components of my spirituality is the belief that I should not judge, and I try with all ofmy heart and soul to stick to that.
22. I know that the west coast is, in fact, the best coast.
23. I like myself.
24. I'm not stubborn, I just know when I'm right.
25. I don't enjoy isolating myself from everyone.
26. I have a lot of debt. Best memories of my life.
27. I believe that sex is one of the most important forms of self-exploration.
28. I know how to drive.
29. I have major issues with catholicism. seriously. honestly. major issues. I'm trying not to express as much bitterness towards it.
30. I'm anal about the pens I use.
31. I don't think my lust for life will ever go away.
32. I watched 6 episodes of "rich girls" the other day.
33. I am addicted to the Internet.
34. I would like to have a relationship with a musician
35. I concoct elaborate scenarios and dialogues in my mind.
36. I have about 10 paper journals, and have had an online journal for about 7 years.
37. I am not interested in fooling around with almost every boy who happens to come my way.
38. I've kissed 2 boys and 1 girl this week.
39. I took private voice lesons for 6 years, was in a competative, touring girls choir for 5 years, sang in my high school choir and was in a bunch of musicals.
40. The fact that I supposedly have not yet reached my "sexual peak" disturbs me a little bit.
41. I do consider Dave Matthews to be a modern day prophet.
42. Tall guys = heaven.
43. I'm quite self-absorbed.
44. Karma is a bitch.
45. As I experience different relationships, I realize that I might be more of a hopeless romantic than previously thought.
46. I can't wait to get out of this stupid town.
47. I pick my nose
48. I adore it when guys dance at concerts.
49. I'm trying not to get annoyed at weaknesses in people I love.
50. I don't remember myself as being an angsty teenager, but my journals tell a different story.
51. I tend to meet a lot of new people.
52. I've written more than 40 poems.
53. I became the parent in my family when my dad died when I was 6. I sometimes use that as an excuse for my immaturity now.
54. My neck is an extreme errogenous zone.
55. My extended family is alright, but my inner circle of friends actually deserve that title.
56. My concience and the state of the world will probably never allow me to have children, whether I decide I want them or not.
57. Dennis Kucinich would make the best president in history.
58. I want to write songs, but I have serious doubts.
59. I think jealousy and regret are the two most ridiculous notions ever created.
60. I once wrote a bush(the band) fan-fiction story. It had chapters and everything.
61. A hand-writing specialist might just say I have multiple personalities.
62. I like quirky boys.
63. New Years Eve is my absolute favorite holiday by a long shot and I don't think anyone quite realizes exactly how important it is to me.
64. I want to start eating only organic food.
65. I could never date a bad kisser.
66. I'm freaked out by just how big John Mayer has gotten.
67. I don't hold grudges because life is too short.
68. I've always wanted green eyes.
69. I've learned very recently just how important it is to own how you feel about someone and say it out loud to them.
70. I love masturbation.
71. I love it when guys wear something around their neck.
72. I don't know who I am sometimes.
73. I'm online a lot.
74. I love swings.
75. Tom Robbins is the best author ever.
76. I feel like I'm on the verge of something huge.
77. I wish that I read a lot more often than I do.
78. I haven't picked my nails in months now. They're gorgeous.
79. I read my horoscopes daily, but only give them credibility when I like what they're saying.
80. I love the desert rain.
81. I get frustrated when its hot outside.
82. I can be a walking contradiction.
83. I realize often just how true cliches are.
84. 75% of the guys I've slept with have had serious problems with lying.
85. I'm absolutely thrilled to be a part of DMB history.
86. I'm fascinated and obsessed with the cycles life takes you through.
87. My weight is not where I'd like it to be.
88. I don't want to die alone.
89. If I could, I'd go back and be a hippie in the 60's.
90. I'm attracted to extreme intensity in my relationships.
91. I rarely forget a song.
92. I find affection in being with friends.
93. I gague how good a wine is by how much the taste of it makes me want to pour it on someone and lick it off.
94. I have 2 boys who are "back-ups" for marriage, even though I don't actually think that marriage is the right thing for me.
95. I know that anything I think at any given point in time is subject to change.
96. I want to be in a band with a drummer that is good.
97. I really want to learn to play guitar, but I'm an unmotivated piece of poo sometimes.
98. I just want to have fun.
99. I am absolutely not passive.
100. Everyday should be a good day to die.

so yeah. two really good christmas parties this week. the first was totally inconsequential in that it was just good fun partying. last night's was my highschool boys' annual christmas party, and of course it was fantastic. this year brought a lot of talking about the past with people who were once really important and hashing things out and trying to figure out a way to pick up where we left off. two people kind of made new enterances into my life last night. and i don't know if it'll actually go anywhere. but i'm happy about reconnecting with them for one night. while i've had years to get over missing johnny, i saw last night just why it was we were so incredibly close for so long. and i realized last night that i do miss jeremy. we were a good fit and he provided something for me that i can't get from anyone else in tucson. (and i ain't talkin' about ass) it's good to talk once you've got distance. though i realized while lying in bed thinking about it this morning that i did a lot of the talking. but oh well. i love talking to someone you have such a strong connection with after a long period of time. because some things never change and some people have a way of capturing a piece of my heart permanently. reuniting with that is a euphoric feeling.


it's amazing how distance brings such honesty and such perspective. maybe not in that order.

can i also just say that those same two people also talked to eachother about everything that happened to end their friendship? i had the biggest smile on my face standing outside watching them through the window. two people that i loved so much at such different points in my life burying the hatchet. of course my drunk ass had to go tell them how much i loved it.

and can i just comment on how hot my male friends are? seriously. they are just the cutest group of boys imaginable.

saw my old best friend meghan. interesting. she's all school teachered out and grown up and married.

saw this one guy who we went to school with who i used to drool over. he was in a band with this guy who officially made us give birth to the term "creamy." not quite as drool worthy anymore, but he made me listen to his cd, and i must say it was quite good. and i've never seen someone so genuinely touched that i was paying attention and that i liked it. especially coming from this guy who is such a typical tough ass. very sweet.

paul's back. and i love that. we didn't really get a chance to talk, but it was good to have him around.

nik and miranda are moving to the d.c. area january 11th. that's exciting. everyone's going off in their own directions. i love it.

dave and i...i think have reached some kind of mutual respect. it's taken us 9 years, but i honestly feel like it's there now. i was talking to him last night about how excited i am that i really truly know what i want to do with my life and he looked me in the eye and told me that i am absolutely on the right path and that he knows i'll be fantastic at it.

of course aden and i had to have several love fests. somehow, he has truly emerged as one of my dearest friends. don't know that i ever would've guessed that, but it's one of those great platonic loves that brings life such light.

there's a lot of bad going on where colin is concerned. i don't really like it. but the kid's gonna have to either face a lot of shit, or completely run away and resign himself to this life that his psycho girlfriend has chosen for him. he's coming into town for 4 days next week. we'll see what happens.

jane, shellie and kristy came with me. i love it when my worlds converge. i have so many different groups of friends that i love so much, and sometimes it's really difficult having to go different places to spend time with any given one. it's also rather difficult that a vast majority of them could give a flying fuck about the others(not that i'd ever fault any of them for that). but, i mean good lord...there's my girls. there's my highschool boys. there's my dmb loves. and there's this group of incredibly dynamic people back in seattle who i rarely talk about but keep in touch with. i love seeing people i love interacting.

i love a lot of things apparently.

but anyway. kristy didn't stay long. had to go do her man. she'd kill me if she ever read that. but we won't get into kristy's issues today. just because she did something kick ass with my hair last night, though. seriously. it looked fucking great. she's hired.

but i digress.

shit. waste is really distracting me right now.

anyway.

um.

yes. good times, good times. i wish i could spend more time with everyone.

oh, talked to bob on the phone. he's loving colorado springs. i am so happy for him and so excited for him. my oldest non-colin friend...he's super.

friendships and longevity. i think it's difficult for some people to fully grasp just what time does to relationships. how much they change and grow and sometimes fall apart and bounce back or just disintegrate. but having history with people is so incredible and so important and i am so damn lucky to have so many people with whom i have incredibly rich histories.

(amazing what a minute can do)

thankYOU for stepping in so that THAT PERSON as well as THAT PERSON were not my last kiss.

thank YOU for moving on, as it's been a while, and i know you love me and we should just accept that we will make killer additions to eachothers lives.

thank YOu for talking to YOU and making up and hashing it all out.

thank YOU for your honesty and making me realize that it wasn't one sided.

as for YOU, you will have an awakening, and you WILL realize what you're missing out on, and it WILL be amusing to me.

i've definitely been sick too long. i haven't gone out in a week. that's a lot for me. and by going out i mean i haven't just gone over to the girls' house to watch tv and whatnot. i need social interaction. everyone was meeting up tonight(jeremy of all people called me) to welcome paul back to the states. but i opted to stay in onemore night because i really want to make sure i'm well over this killer flu. didn't wanna push it.

and now i'm reading reviews of the show tonight as they slowly trickle in. and it's quite exciting. but at the same time i'm obsessing over something i need not obsess over and it's really making me feel like a girl and i'm bottling in all these feelings that i probably shouldn't.

*sigh*

it'll pass. i never knew it could feel like this. there's been worse, for sure. but i didn't know he'd play with my brain as much as he has.

which leads me to believe it's just me...

hello vaguecity.

first did this on december 19th, 2002.

Present-
+ what's in your cd player: still some devil
+ what color socks are you wearing: white
+ what's under your bed: books, boxes, socks
+ what time did you wake up today: about 11



Future-
+ where do you want to go: seattle
+ what is your career going to be: sociology
+ where are you going to live: seattle
+ how many kids do you want: none
+ what kind of car will you have? magic carpet
+ current hair: messy and half pulled back
+ current clothes: cotton pants, t-shirt, zip up hooded sweat shirt
+ current annoyance: the fact that this cold isn't getting better
+ current smell: spaghetti sauce
+ current hate: this tight feeling in my stomach that comes from holding back from talking to someone i really want to talk to
+ favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: shoulders,hands, neck, ears, arms, chest, legs, feet...
+ favorite place to be: turns out not where but who you're with that really matters
+ least favorite place: i say my hell is the closet i'm stuck inside
+ strong in mind or strong in body: mind
+ favorite color: hmmm. right now i'll say green.
+ how tall are you?: 5'9 and some
+ current favorite word: christ on a bike
+ favorite season: spring
+ favorite day: pay day

- last movie you saw: ted bundy
- last movie you saw on the big sceen: matrix reloaded or revelations or whatever the hell the third one is called
- last phone number you called: the girls
- last show you watched on TV: sex and the city season 3 episode 6 where carrie tells aidan.
- last thing you had to drink: water
- last thing you ate: spaghetti
- last time you showered: few hours ago

- last person you kissed: him. don't you hate it when you wish he wasn't the last person you'd kissed...so you try and try to kiss someone else so he's not the last person you kissed. but then you end up kissing him again, which is the most counter productive thing ever.
- last person you talked to online: bri and lenelle right now
- last person you talked to on the phone: matt



Do you...
- smoke? yup. cept for right now.
- do drugs? NEW YEARS!!!!!!
- drink? hell yes
- have sex?fortunately, yes. amazing!
- sleep with stuffed animals? nope
- have a boyfriend/girlfriend? blah

-have a dream that keeps coming back? lots of them. i've realized i've lots of recurring dreams.
- play an instrument? i've played clarinet and piano, and i'm working on guitar
- believe there is life on other planets? of course there is
- read the newspaper? just the horoscopes
- have any gay or lesbian friends?yes. yay!
- believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? yes
- do u consider police a friend or foe? oofda. that's a loaded question. foe more often than not.
- like the taste of alcohol? uh huh
- believe in magic? yes
- pray? not really. i used to pray every time i was on a plane that was taking off. now...i just imagine the plane and all the passengers surrounded by white light. i'm a dork like that.
- go to church? no way. i try and avoid it at all costs.
- have any secrets? yup
- have any pets? my doggie mocha
- go to or plan to go to college? oh, i'll be headed back there come next fall. and i absolutely cannot wait.
- talk to strangers who instant message you? usually
- wear hats? just my beanie
- have a "hot spot"?oh good lord. it's insane.
- wish on stars? all the time. but i keep them "reasonable."
- like your handwriting? most of the time. but it can be REALLY messy. and it changes constantly
- have any bad habits? i've been pretty successful in not picking my nails lately. probably because i have a guy who's a bad habbit to take it's place.
- believe in witches? yes. scary ones and good ones.
- believe in Satan? no
- believe in ghosts? yes
- believe in Santa? nope
- trust others easily? getting better
- like sarcasm?isn't it necessary?
- take walks in the rain? (i am walking out in the rain and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again and i am getting no where with you and i can't let it go and i cant get through)

- sing in the shower? not in a long long time

ooh! i found them! my archives! they're here!

hmmm. i've literally been in bed since sunday night. and now...my cough is a little better(which is good, seeing as my stomach muscles are so sore they forget how to relax after a coughing spurt), but now i've got a sore throat and stuffy nose.

this thing is for the birds.

you are lavenderblush #FFF0F5

Your dominant hues are red and magenta. You love doing your own thing and going on your own adventures, but there are close friends you know you just can't leave behind. You can influence others on days when you're patient, but most times you just want to go out, have fun, and do your own thing. Your saturation level is very low - you have better things to do than jump headfirst into every little project. You make sure your actions are going to really accomplish something before you start because you hate wasting energy making everyone else think you're working. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

to those of you who haven't done so(which, if you're anything like me, is ALL of you): do yourself a favor. get a flu shot. this thing fucking sucks. i mean, i haven't had the pukey one that's going around. it's not even a head cold. it's like severe upper respiratory cough from hell matched up with a fever like i haven't seen since i was a wee lass and severe achiness. which may just be caused from all the coughing(yeah, my back is loving all those convulsions.)

luckily, i had yesterday and today off, so i'm not missing out on money. unluckily, i just don't see myself being better enough to go to work at 7:30 tomorrow morning.

we shall see, we shall see.

sigh.

so, i've writen here about my grandparents before. and how difficult they can be. well, the oldest of their 5 kids, my uncle kenny, came to visit friday for a week. he doesn't have the strongest of relationships with them, but he's a pretty peace-lovin' guy. shouldn't have been a problem.

well it's now 2:30 in the AM, and he just called. told my mom it was horrible, worst ever, and that he gathered his stuff and walked to a nearby 7-11, where my grandpa followed him and insisted he get in the car. took him to the airport. he called my mom because, of course, it's tucson and the entire airport is shut down at this time of night.

i know absolutely nothing other than that. but it's shitty and i can't sleep, despite the nasty cold i'm verging on and all the nyquil i've ingested. i really don't even know that i want to know what happened. or things that were said. it's hard enough to have them living as close as they do...and get away with seeing them as little as i do.

my grandparents are not horrible people. i know that impression probably comes across. they're definitely a product of their [narrow minded] generation. they're a product of years of my grandmother's bitterness towards challenges life has thrown at her. but they're not horrible.

i also know that my grammy told kenny tonight that my mom has long thought he suffered from some mental illness. she's never meant that in a hateful way, it's just been based off of comparisons to my brother. and i can't say as i disagree with her. but lord...must she really verbalize that to him? come on now.

we'll see what happens.

i didn't miss you once today.






[editor's note: this post should have gone through yesterday and does not apply for today.]

reason #1 why i just cannot bring myself to move to cincy, as much as i'd absolutely love to, is all over the news right now.

just fucking disgusting. get a grip.