kit kat jam
6.20.03

oh there you go again
talking alright
only way to peace is for us to get up and fight
i can't make sense of the foolish they say
though i would love to be see it your way

oh look at you with your sweet plastic smile
oh how you care for us
so don't cry

off went to war the young man and young girl
remember they're heros although they're dead to the world

pray to god
you will send your love down here
on to all of the world
and sunlight barely fading
all we know
this endless war
but we've all...
i don't believe you can find it

oh won't you please have pity on the small
they're so defenselessly begging on the floor
oh won't you share your heavenly light
down here with the little man make us feel alright

oh let me go
let me climb up into your rafter
and sleep for a peaceful day
maybe sway to our heads for a reason
oh the war, the war is done
but the childen are scared and dying
still the war rages on, yeah
i feel nothing for you and your lying

...[having a hard time here]
i don't mean to be spiteful
but it all...

let me see the world as you do

i feel absolutely completely embarassingly ignorant now.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/06/25/congo.sago.ap/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/06/27/liberia.fighting/index.html

please go read these.

i'm just now getting around to checking up on o.a.r. reviews from bonnaroo.

backtracking....when i found out they were playing there, i was so ecstatic. they absolutely deserved the invitation, and i knew that it'd be an experience every single one of them would be in awe of. when i talked to jerry at the slc show, that was the main topic of conversation. i just had to thank them for doing it and fill him in a bit on what to expect.

so, anyway, i'm very very happy to see that it looks like they got a really favorable reception. you never know with jam band scenes, because as ironic as it is, they tend to be pretty close minded when it comes to a lot of music. or maybe that's just phish phans. whatever.

anyway. found this little article:

musictoday.com/news/liver...roo_03.asp

here is the part about OAR:
Rockville MD's O.A.R. (Of A Revolution) may have put on the most emotional show this reviewer has ever attended. While the group's shows are always high-energy affairs, Sunday afternoon's set took on special significance for the band due to the recent loss of a close friend. Well before show time, "That Tent" was crammed and overflowing out onto the grass. Gabe Dixon of the Gabe Dixon Band joined O.A.R. on keyboards, and the set kicked off with the reggae flavored "Dareh Meyod" and "Revisited," both from the band's recently released album, In Between Now And Then. Like most of O.A.R.'s songs, these began with mellow grooves that built to energetic crescendos. Stepping to the microphone, singer/guitarist Marc Roberge dedicated "City On Down" to the late Darrell, without saying much more. He didn't need to, as almost the entire crowd joined in unison to sing the chorus, as they did on concert staples "Anyway" and "Hey Girl." A cover of U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" wasn't as well recognized, due in large part to the youth of the band's following, but after a second emotional dedication to Darrell ("We dedicate our whole day to him"), O.A.R. blew the roof off "That Tent." with band theme song and set closer "That Was A Crazy Game Of Poker!" The group left the stage to the fist-pumping chant of "O.A.R! O.A.R! O.A.R!" And while grieving was evident in band members' faces, this high energy set in front of one of the largest crowds of the entire weekend must have been an awesome emotional release.

i'm very very VERY proud of my boys. and i hope they are invited back next year.

someone got me thinking today about all the jobs i've had. ( i bet most of you were thinking i haven't worked that much in my 23 years) and i didn't realize until now that i've worked a pretty wide array of jobs! you wanna know what they've been? well i'll tell ya!!!!!

-worked at a postal store type place for two summers way back when. it ruled. 8 hours, 5 days a week, i worked with this guy who followed phish around and had hundreds of phish and dead shows on tape that we'd listen to all day long. it was really my intro to this lifestyle i'm living. fun stuff.

-worked as a hostess for highschool reunions for about 6 years. of course, it was sporadic(between 10 and 20 reunions a year, mostly in late summer-fall), but it was interesting. nothing like seeing people come back 10 years later, acting just like 18 year olds.

-i worked at a place called RightFax for 2 years. they originally hired me to do some data entry. it was perfect because i was going to school full time, and they pretty much let me come and go as i pleased, as long as i got all my hours in. they ended up using me to serve that initial purpose, plus i designed spreadsheets and databases, handled fufillment materials, worked with the PR department with press releases and stuff like that, and any random task they threw my way. i ended up pretty much designing the new program they implemented shortly after they laid me off that was the center of the company. i pretty much had all the knowledge of how sales leads came in, and what kind of database would work best, so they used me to obtain all that knowledge and then poof! i was gone! wasn't that nice? i also got to train people on the new program. man...i did good at that job! i always forget!

-of course, last year while living in tacoma i worked at a children's hospital. it ruled. i was a receptionist for the physical and occupational therapy clinics, as well as the pediatric behavioral physician, genetics and neo-natal clinics. i really loved this job. just dealing with so many families that came in multiple times a week. it was very rewarding.

-besides the various temp jobs i did for single days(mainly reception and data entry), i temped at that stupid designer home place that hated me(thank god), and then at an escrow agency, and then at goodwill.

-and now, to round it off, i've got some good ol' customer service training at the emp. pretty sure this is my favorite job, though that's a tough call because i've loved most of my jobs, but it's by far the most active. leaves me exhausted at the end of the day, but damn it's fun. maybe it's just cuz i'm new...lots of the other people have terrible outlooks towards their jobs. but i really truly like it. it's not something i'd wanna do for the rest of my life, but i'm so damned glad i chose to go through with it. awesome people, killer experience, excellent city...can't beat it.

heh. i need to re-read that tomorrow before i head out to my 10 hour shift, where i'll be running around in the sound lab for half the day(pretty much the only thing of it's kind in the world...we've got 3 trios of drums, guitar, bass and keyboards set up with tutorials, and then about 15 soundproof rooms with various instruments, including 4 "jam" rooms where you can just play or learn to play. so i pretty much wander around, tuning guitars, helping people out, or learning to play myself when it's slow enough), and then i do the whole "director" bit for the second half.

wow.

i just typed a lot.

i think i should probably go to bed.

argh.

i'm in such a great space mentally these days. and i'm so happy.

but at the same time, i'm so lonely! all these wonderful things going on, and i feel so isolated. i need affection. i need attention. stat. i need to go out and have fun. i'm bursting to share what is going on in my head...

i can't wait til i move in to my new place next week. start the second half of my summer adventure. i guess i'll kinda be like my own version of the real world. "this is the true story...of one amanda...who chose to move in with 4 random people...to find out what happens..."

i met the 2 guys the other day when i dropped off my rent check. very intriguing fellows, they were. it will be so nice to be living that close to work. 4 hours travel time daily is starting to get a bit wearing. i mean, we all know i'm a patient person...but it's getting obscene. washington drivers have got to be the worst. traffic jams form so people can gawk at cars pulled over for speeding. curve in the freeway? better slam on those breaks!

it's real fun.

got pulled over the other day. yeah, that was great. it was on the way to work for an hour long meeting. yeah. got a ticket on the way there and stuck in traffic for 2 and a half hours on the way back. lemme tell you, that free pair of earplugs i came away from the meeting with was definitely worth it. at first i thought the fine was $595. and, really, it didn't phase me. i am the ultimate "what can you do about it?" thinker. turns out though that the fine for having no proof of insurance was $490, so once i proove to them that i do have insurance, i just have to pay the remainder.


still love my job.

i really wanna go to a show. i have a little less than a month.

sometimes, though, i swear this tour won't let me breathe. i just burned a cd with the songs i've downloaded from random shows, and wrote in big letters on it "amanda's 'i need to go to a show really really badly' mix :) "

in other news, i've actually won a few at our little set list challenge game. this is good. especially because last night i beat mel. and that is probably the only victory i need. and it wasn't close, either. i beat him by 4 points. that's fucking great.

almost time to face traffic and head into work again...

great picture of the corkwhores here

so, i've officially established that i have some of the weirdest fucking relationships around. i don't realize how strange they are until i actually tell someone out loud what's going on in my life with specific relationships i have with random guys.

well not random as in "off the street" guys. but random in how they fit into my life or how they've come into my life or whatever.

and it's just strange because i'm not "involved" with any of them. but i swear to god, they say the strangest fucking things to me. and i have the strangest fucking dreams about some of them. and then i start to wonder if everyone is just like this and i'm oblivious. but i don't think that's the case. but i kinda hope it is, because DAMN does it keep things interesting.

i can honestly say there's absolutely no one in my life right now who i'd want a more serious relationship with. but damn, some sex would be nice right about now. and right about then. and right about any time.

ya know?

anyway.

i need to dye my hair.

word.

i'm so annoyed with myself for not writing more. journaling. blogging. emailing. i'm annoyed that i'm not getting all these thoughts in my head out. because i feel that the only way to really put major thoughts into action and have them stick is to write about them. and when i don't do that, they're not as fixed in my brain.

but there's just so much going on in this head of mine when i give myself time to think. and i haven't had the energy to sit down and write.

it's just a bad decision on my part, because i believe self exploration through writing is extremley important. gotta stop cheating myself out of it.



ugh. and i just had something to add to this post, but my tired brain just couldn't hold on to it long enough for me to get back to this screen and edit.


oh yeah. i remember now.

i bought a huge journal just before my surgery last august. almost filled it up by christmas. i think since then, i've written just a handful of times. so much happened that it got to the point where i could never catch up. i have this idea of my journals being very cohesive and telling a story. i think this latest on is my 10th or 11th. but so much has happened(of course) in the past 6 months. i mean, hell...it was only two months ago that i did my little o.a.r. vegas/slc run. two months! it feels like a lifetime or two has passed since then.

and i suppose i do blog fairly often, sometimes even about things of "substance." but the fact remains that a lot of what goes on in my life doesn't make it into this thing.

now, really. instead of bitching about how i need to write more, i could go write. right?

nah, i'm too sleepy now.

i have the next two days off!!!!!! even if i have to go to seattle for a frickin hour anyway on wednesday for a frickin "safety" meeting. wankers.

nice 11 hour day today, though. yeah. that was real long.

email to the tucson crew:


so...

hm.
i wasn't sure if i should write this email to you guys, because i know quite frankly a lot of you don't care about my exploits in dmb land. but the fact of the matter is, these exploits define a lot of who i am. and i want to share that with y'all because i honestly love the hell out of you guys. (and megan is exempt, because she was actually at these shows i'm about to ramble about).

so i just had to say...

tour opened tuesday night with a two night run in columbus. the events have been massive in dmb land. this band has pulled out two shows that completely defy anything they've done before now. they've pulled out songs we considered absolutely dead to the world. the setlists have gone against any formula they've previously used. it's like they acutally realized the fact that they have waaaaaaaaaay more than 30 songs, and have decided to PLAY them! wow!! and to some of us, and this isn't putting it lightly, it feels like a big hole o' happiness has been ripped in the world, and it just might be ok to fall right in.

i'm saying all of this and i wasnt' even there. thanks to calls during the concert and talking to my loves afterwards, though, i have my own wonderful set of memories.

for those of you who care(um...bob? hello. howareya.) these are the set lists. might put it in perspective if you've ever been to a dmb show at all.


night one

too much
when the world ends
if i had it all
crush
rhyme and reason
bartender
you never know
stay
grey street
typical situation
loving wings>>
where are you going
the last stop
everyday
tripping billies
---
grace is gone
pig

(special note: i haven't seen typical or last stop since that first show we all went to way back when. typical was the only song in the encore. i remember aden saying "i love this song!" and i didn't know it at all. thanks, kid, for bringing my attention to it. i bet YOU don't even remember that ;) i'm listening to the other night's version right now, and it's phenomenal. couldn't ask for more.)



night two
granny
so much to say
don't drink the water
one sweet world
pay for what you get
kit kat jam
dancing nancies
cry freedom
the maker
lie in our graves
fool to think
the dreaming tree(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
crash into me
jimi thing
what you are
--
stone
ants marching


in any case. i'm in a real real good head space right now. and no, i'm not gonna drop everything and go - i love my job way too much for that kind of nonsense. however, y'allshould know that i've resolved to get to phoenix for that show. i will be there. and it will be my first show of this tour. and i hope those of you who are coming along for the ride have some sense of just how out of control happy i'm bound to be. i can't wait to share that experience with you guys. i was gonna see if i could make at least one show before then, but i kinda think it's right that for once i share a dmb experience with you. ya know?

everything else is wonderful. weather is great. flowers are blooming. my job is more than i could've hoped, and i learn so much by the day and am having a fantastic time at it.

i hope you guys are all well. to those of you i don't talk to regularly - gimme a call sometime. or drop me an email.


don't burn the day,
amanda



email to freaks:

subject: the point of view from someone who wasn't there

(you know, since everyone who was is probably wonderfully hung over right now)

so last night was an interesting one.

after yelling and screaming when dreaming tree was played. and then finding out about the maker. i went home and smoked. many bong hits in rapid succession. then i come check,and STONE is the encore? WHAT? stone? what? what? i'm telling mel to guess. he's guessing ibyu. spoon. i'm like,no, dude...think completely totally out of the box. i then realized ants had to be next(which worked out nicely since it was actually on my set that way) . but they didn't update the set list. so i had to call megan and find out for sure that that was the case. it was.

there were so many points of not being able to speak last night. i could do nothing but just laugh(you know me) which made phone communication difficult. but i had to do it!

i came inside and mel was sitting in front of the tv. wasn't workin for me. this is probably the first time in my life i was so consumed with some kind of energy(nervous? happy? sexual? all three? probably. thanks for bearing with me while i figured that out, team. ) that it was physically impossible for me to sit there. so i started in on the massive piles of grody dishes in the kitchen. cleaned them pretty frantically.

these setlists...good lord. good lord. wow. i can't believe i am having this reaction and i wasnt even fucking there!

which brings me to my next point...

something i wrote in my journal last night :)

(i was havin a hard time. you know, being stoned and all. writing takes too fucking long!)

why it's so important to find people like the freaks...
you share an amazingly intense experience. one that consistently moves you so far down to the core that you can't possibly speak about it. you just have to be around people who *know* it too.

as i said earlier on one of my bursts of phone convo that did actually come out...this is like a very special religious event for us. it moves us that much. and you say that to anyone else and they'll just be like...suuuuuuuuure, dude.

it's an amazing bond.

one that just brings so much goodness out.

and it's so wonderful to call people who were there and hear them reacting the same way i am and drawing that intensity out of me.

because while i definitely don't need to be told anymore just how much i *can't* understand what it was like to be there, i do have some sense of it. and i do have my own memories of it, thankyouverymuch.

and i think that rules.

and this is SO long.

and now i find myself thinking all these funny random dmb tour related thoughts. i've missed this!!


and to the people who WERE there: are you ever going to any shows ever again? i would think you're completely desensitized to anything that could possibly happen ever. ;)

and this has to be the best typ sitch ever.

roi on this jam?
hello?
what is happening in my life?
did some hole just open in the earth the past two nights?
do we care if we fall through it?
should i just go smoke another bowl.


be well, you guys
manda


(ok, yeah, i realize freaks has kinda resigned it's purpose as a place to ramble THIS much, but i just don't care. y'all are my family, and i just don't have any other forum to get this kind of shit out in. word. :) )

i'm listening to typ sitch from the other night.

got the jam over the phone last night and it killed me. so i had to brave the dial up and download it. i'm so glad i did. thanks esther.

what is going on with this band?

they just sound so happy. and i'm just so happy. and i can't believe the reactions i had last night, not even being there.

keep the big door open
everyone will come around.

oh god. i'll be back. jam is starting.

um.
oh my god?
oh my god.

wow.

hm.

um.

yeah.

well.

i think the best thing to do right now is listen again and hope i can type this time.

there's so many people from all areas of my life that i'm dying to talk to right now, though. so maybe i'll just make some kind of email and then post it here.

i don't know.

i don't know.

all i know is.

i have to hear it again.

i can't remember the last time i was this exhausted. i feel like today has been about 3 days. it's 10:30, and i don't have to get up tomorrow, and i'm going to bed.

where's the foreplay?
or is this the best foreplay yet?

yes, i'm still talking about tour.

aaah, how i love it. and i love the closeness it provides. i spent an hour on the phone with megan my friend from tucson this morning. she went to the 'roo with scotty and megs. and is now in columbus with everyone. and then i talked to them all again this afternoon. and had so many calls during the show. and was just passed around the campground. and she was commenting on how cool it is that everyone keeps everyone else so close... i guess that's the only way to make it work when we all lead such different lives...

heh. i sound likei'm talking about a serious romantic relationship.

anyway.

i can't believe i have to wait til july 24...possibly aug 1. that's pretty funny for me.

yeah. real excited about the tour. real excited about tonight's set list. i love tour time. i love everything that goes with it. i love coming out of work and having 6 messages from the first few songs. i love my friends and knowing that they're celebrating together. i swear i can feel their energy from here. i love the anticipation of what the next few nights will bring, as we see what shape this tour will assume.

and i love fighting that urge to just GO.

few things:

i love life.

grilled veggies are fucking great.

forget the rest of the world, there are so many areas just in washington that i need to live.

i cannot believe tour starts tomorrow. it's making me giggle. i can't wait to see what suprises are in store.

tomorrow is gonna be long. very very long. meeting at 7am. work from 8:30-3. customer service training from 3-6. mariners game at 7. then time to sleep for as long as possible before i have to work again at 8:30.

i love my job i love my job i love my job. and i don't think i could've asked to be getting more skills that i can use in so many different areas.

not being able to use free tickets is quite annoying. fuck restrictions.

the matrix reloaded is fucking great. the religious undertones are fantastic. so well done. i need to see it again to let it all sink in, but i don't think they could have picked a more honest way to make a very vivid statement about religion today(among other things).

time is flying. i can't believe june is already half gone.

i love driving around. we've done it a lot, just taking long drives home or going out looking at houses, and it's so relaxing.

old school is my current favorite movie, and i think it'll stick in my top 10 for years to come. it is genius. it reflects society so damned well, i can't even deal. and i love luke wilson. the other two go without saying, but he's a new addition to my favorites list.

this "few things" has gotten longer than i'd anticipated. i know i need to go to bed. i just don't feel like it.

i love not having an income tax. it makes so much difference in your pay check. i'd totally forgotten.

funny stuff was happening a year ago at this point in my life. nothing that i'll retell here, but damn...good times. :)

went to my favorite washington restaurant last thursday. first visit in over a year. it was orgasmic. in fact, when they set me and lisa's plates in front of us, we both said simoultaneously "oh, how i've missed you" to our food. sick or what?

it's been a long long time(since i've lost myself) since i've had a power-hitting session with a bong. two bowls, two people, seattle kind and a new bong. no wonder i liked my second viewing of "old school" so much.

ok. time to go. hope all is well with everyone.

to: paul, nik, megan, matt, matt, kristy, janie, colin, bob, aden, don
subject: oh, my tucson friends

well, i have a day off tomorrow, so i've had some wine.

well, make that a bottle.

a bottle of corky wine. and i don't mean that in the retarded sense. i mean that in the sense that i was completely incapable of opening the wine without breaking the cork, so i had to push the remaining piece down into the wine, making it corky.

well, i guess that means you could take it either way. because i'm clearly retarded.

the point is...

i love life :)

the job rules. just absolutely rules. the past few shifts have seen me training in our sound lab, where you can get hands on experience with a multitude of instruments. we've got about 12 sound-proof rooms where people can learn the instruments or jam or make cd's, plus some otherinteractive programs. it rules. the hilight of my day today was this little 8 year old boy, totally rockin' out on the bass. he was bending and dipping and slamming into that thing. he turned to his dad and said "hey daddy! i know what i wanna do when i grow up! i wanna play bass!" hehe. it ruled. i learned to change the strings on a guitar yesterday. the guy who taught me worked as a roadie for 20-something years. and while i was warned by several coworkers that he'd jump into his stories right away, i must say i had to giggle to myself when he immediately started in once he came to get me and we got on the elevator to go down to his lair. the laughter built up even more when i found out his favorite band to tour with (among the ranks of smashing pumpkins, the artist formally known ass buttwipe, and courtney love) is night...rider? night shift? fuck, i can't remember their name. but they sing that one song..."sister christian."

you know it, sing along:

MOTERHEAD
WHAT'S YOUR PRICE FOR FLIGHT

aaaaaaaw yeah, baby.

anyway. by the time he was done teaching me how to "professionally" restring a guitar, i was having a real hard time keeping my laughter to myself. i got back up to the sound lab, and was promptly sent on a break by my team lead when he saw that i couldn't stop laughing.

i've heard stories of jimi hendrix's youth and of carlos santana coming in and playing in our stinky jam rooms. there's been rumors of christina aguilera coming in, and of course there's plenty of dave talk, seeing as the man himself lives but 5 minutes away.

it's great.

and then there's the fact that the pacific northwest is just so damned beautiful, it's a privledge to walk outside every day. now if only the fuckwad natives would realize that they do in fact know how to drive in the rain, it'd save me about an hour in my commute.

it got up into the high 80's for a few days last week. mass panic. and i must admit i succumbed to the hysteria. it was fucking hot, yo! luckily, it's back down into the 60's now, and i can wear my tank tops OR sweaters as i deem worthy and not really think about it.

lastly...i've found a place to live. i move in july 1st. i'll be living with 4 other people, only 1 of whom i've actually met. we'll all live in a house where all the bedrooms are stacked upon eachother in the basement. one roommie is a photography student, another studies globalization...i'm looking forward to some bowls of my tasty seattle kind and good conversation. they're just as spontaneous and absolutely against planning as i am, so i know it's a good fit.

if any of you are looking for a vacation, please keep me in mind. i work insane hours, and it'd be best if you *didn't* come on a weekend, but i'm absolutely aching to share the magic of this place with people from home. i promise to make it worth you while.

and no, that's not some deluded offer for a blow job, boys.

i really want more piercings and tattoos. oh oh, and to dye my hair some strange color, too.

hope y'all are doing well.

love!
manda



(feel free to forward this to anyone i haven't included. i don't have everyone's email addie's...(i'm thinking specifically of shellie and maggie.))

the time has come to officially retire my big blue air mattress.

it's been with me for years and years, but has most noticeably been present through my dmb days and my time spent living in that apartment in tacoma. however, it fell into the hands of my brother recently, and apparently he did not treat it with the same love and care that i [usually] bestowed upon it. i spent time trying to find the cause of the leakage problem, but alas, the hole could not be found. so i have bought another mattress that will hopefully bless me with years of comfortable sleeping, much as the old blue one has done.

goodbye, old friend. i'll surely miss you.

satan lives next door. that is an actual fact. i mean, i partially feel bad for referring to a child in such a manner, but i've never heard anything rage quite like this. 45 minutes this morning, just screaming at the top of it's lungs. i was frightened.

i learned how to re-string a guitar yesterday. i'm so cool.

ha.

also found a place to live yesterday. with 4 other people. it should be real interesting. i only met one of them.

life's real good.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/06/06/findlaw.analysis.dean.wmd/index.html

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING BENAROYA
(with a bit o' tequilla and seattle kind in my system)

i figured this would be the best way for me to do this. i have a piece of paper with random thoughts scrawled all over it. no order, some don't even make sense. i'm not gonna expand, rather just make a list. remember: these aren't in order and dont flow together at all. :)

it's like he catches himself getting too emotional and then doesn't know where to go with it.

communication is important.

work within your actual limits.

people listen to him because he is who he is..

loving wings has got to be he best "ode to love" ever.

how did DAVE MATTHEWS become a sex symbol? (no, i'm serious. it's a fun one. think about it.)

this was the second time i saw nancies. hmmmmm. weird.

before fool to think...he wants us to know he just does not care what we think.

you just have to take what opportunities come your way, no matter what your situation.

(he really just took "waste" and improved it like 5000 times) and i don't mean that in a condescending way.

he knows we're all thinking the same way.

you can never have too many positive connections.

stone:benaroya:he's good at mind control...

he is truly an amazing guitar player...in every sense of the word.

remembering bill's reactions...and understanding them all over again.

he totally fills in the entire band with his guitar and his voice.

some people are so touched they have to express it...in the most unconventional ways(ie; audio, visual). and the band is nothing conventional...(so how'd they get so "mainstream?")

people are going to have to start dealing with the fact that he is an inspiration to today's music.

nothing good would ever come of it.

we were there!!! we were there!!!!!

i love it when i lose touch and then find it again.

"cuz i've been smokin like a champ..." (what dave would add when he talks a lot when he's nervous)

he always lets ya know where his mindset really is.

he was sitting right there for all of this.



anyway. i hadn't listened to benaroya since shortly after the show. and to see the whole thing again...wow. i'm so fucking glad i was at that show. it is absolutley incredible. god, that fool to think is so fucking good. i think it's officially taken the slot of my all time favorite. so sad nothing was really done with it with tim. but at the same time, i'm kinda glad about it. and the loving wings in that show...probably taken the slot of my all time fave as well. i mean, it's pretty amazing full band. hello gorge night 2. but this one...everyone is so quiet and it's just one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen.

i think i'm gonna have to go put it on again.

yeah, i'd lost touch with my love for dmb. and last night, my love for dave him self was once again fully realized. god bless him. ;)

test.ing.

it'd be so nice if updating blogger included keeping their shit together.

i just totally busted up. i'm reading cosmo's "99 ways to thrill every inch of him" and i get to #27:

"oral attention is always nice, but so is attention to the legs and chest. don't forget - my body is a wonderland too!"

oh yeah,and this...

my back. my lovely, lovely back. i have been in SO. MUCH. PAIN. every day at work. first day it didn't start til near the end. second day, about half way through. last 3 days, it starts as soon as i start walking to the building. blinding pain. except i'm not blinded. and i think i handle it quite well. inever fully understood the meaning of having a high tolerance to pain. i kinda just thought it meant you didn't really feel pain. but now i understand that while that is partially true, it just means you can go on with day to day activities while in severe pain. i mean...i wish there was some way of explaining it. all i know is my back hurts like FUCK(luckily there's been little nerve pain, which is good good sign), yet i'm in the most wonderful mood. and by the time i complete my drive home, it's mostly gone. except last night when it flared up really really bad.

anyway. it was a tiny bit better yesterday. two days off should help it to relax some. i'll keep doing my stretches and think positively, and just deal with it.

my aol screen says "bush's tax cut: what's in it for you?"

i was just wondering if there was anything in it for anyone i know. anyone? anyone? i mean, i'm not surprised that there isn't for me, and i'm not at all butt hurt over it. but i plugged in a few different numbers and marital stati(that'd be my version of status plural) to the worksheet aol provides, and was rather amused by it.

lights go out and i can't be saved
tides that i tried to swim against
have put me down upon my knees
oh, i beg, i beg and plead
singing
come out of things unsaid
shouldn't i pull off my head
with a trouble that can't be named
tigers waiting to be tamed
singing
you are

(i'll always remember this song for one moment - last tuesday, i was following mel to take his car in, and it came on right as i got on the bridge. now, the first time i crossed this bridge, a few years ago, i looked around and went...yeah...this is home. no matter who i'm with or where i'm going, this spot will always feel like home. so anyway. song came on, the sun was out, the mountain was kickin, and i was home.)


home
home, where i wanted to go...

i've gotta say i'm on my way down
god gave me style and gave me grace
god put a smile upon my face

where do we go to draw the line?
i've gotta say i've wasted all your time, honey honey
where do i go to fall from grace?
god put a smile upon your face...

so i guess i'm supposed to blog. and of course, i decided to put a coldplay show on before i started, to drown out the screaming child next door, so i'm sure to be distracted a lot. i'll try and post way too many lyrics, though. don't you worry your pretty little head.

where to start, where to start?

i can't remark as to any huge change in my life. i mean, obviously there has been, but as is always the case with me, it just seems...normal. taking opportunities and going with them and then realizing several months later just how much everything has changed.

(i said well that's ok, i'm on my way
i don't appear near but maybe i'll end up that way
and in the end, when i realize there's something new
but until then i've gotta hold on true...)

(thanks o.a.r.)

(but anyway)

whoa that was a big long distraction.

my job...absolutely rules. i love it. i've just been through a 5 day stretch of working 8:30 to 6:15. i have to leave here around 6:30 to allow for traffic delays. it takes me about an hour and a half to get back home. but i fucking love it. the museum is really cool. and what's more, the people are perfect. i mean, you've got your annoying ones, your dorky ones, your annoyingly dorky ones, your really genuinely cool ones...and i love them all. i've talked about so many different types of music so many times in the past 5 days, it makes my soul happy. not to say *everyone* there is a big music fan,but for the most part it is a very common ground. i love going into the break room and having someone playing guitar and singing. or having a pre-shift meeting and having someone playing ukilaleeeee(no clue how ya spell that one.) everyone gives eachother massive amounts of shit. and it's great.

the job itself. well, it's safe to say i'm a master at ticket taking, giving people introductions to the museum, hooking them up with our museum exhibit guides,and wandering through the punk-posters and birth of hip-hop galleries. the last one...can get a little boring. down in an isolated room, hoping someone with a disability needs to come in and use the elevators. i've found the best way to pass time is just to fantasize. it's great fun for me. of course, i just discovered this yesterday, so maybe it'll pass. see, i've been perpetually hornier than hell for a little over a year now(ever since my 10 day run last year) and i noticed that that was gone for the first few days of my working. but alas, it has returned. and that's how 2 hours of my shift yesterday were spent. good times,good times.

as a side note: i will begin selling tickets to the show inside my head beginning july 1. if you'd like a free trial ride, please contact me for a date when i can direct my thoughts your way.

another side note: some will only be allowed one hour. some will be allowed 12. it depends on what i feel your tolerance for insanity is.

thanks.

next i'm going to be trained in the sound lab. this is where we have lots of bass, guitars, drums, a few vocal studios, where you can tool around and take tutorials or just play or whatever you want. THEN i'll be trained in our rockstar simulation, that allows people to kinda get the feeling of being in front of a huge crowd while saddled up with full band gear.

our new jimi hendrix gallery opens the 7th. rock on.

anyway. it's all very happy making. and as an added huge massive bonus, i get to go sit outside during lunch and absorb this beautiful weather. and i get to drive home and see mt. rainier. the thing looks totally different every fucking day. it is such a symbol for my...my...something. the happiest times in my life maybe? i dunno. i love that mountain though.

next...i'm not going to bonnaroo. and i'm completely fine with that. it's one of those things where i could be totally disapointed if i wanted to, but it's the path i've chosen. bonnaroo and new job just don't mix. i'm not comfortable asking for more time off. they already approved time off for shoreline, vancouver and gorge. however, if anyone else decides they're not going, i'm going to yell at them. i mean what the fuck people. that festival is going to be amazing. more amazing than fifty gazillion dmb shows, i promise. that mix of music is unparalleled. and even though i know no one i know will go see o.a.r.(maybe i can con megan into it), i'm psyched to hear all about it, and get my ass in gear for next year.

which i guess brings me to my next point: dmb. mel and i were talking about it the other night. i'm just not in that phase right now. i mean, i'm still going to...between 8 and 10 shows. but that's a big jump down. and i'm so satisfied with that. if i feel the urge to go to more and i can, i will. if i want to go all out again next year, i will. but right now, it's not right for me. i don't want to ask for time off. i'm totally psyched to be doing my west coast shows. i'd love it if all my loves could come out for them, but i'll see them all at gorge. i like west coast shows better, honestly. i like the crowds. i like the venues. i like the fact that it's my turf. i can drive. i can fly for cheap. i can take my seattle kind with me.

i didn't mean to cause you trouble
oh no i never meant to do you harm

um.
what?
oh yeah.
tour.

people keep begging me to do this show or that show, and i totally appreciate the sentiment. but...it's like i was just telling someone. i missed the entire summer tour last year. but i still have distinct memories for each gathering, because i got call after call. and plus - i was completely out of comission for the entire thing,and still managed to get somehow dragged into the ensuing drama without even being a part of the antics, so it's not like i have to worry about missing out on that.

i love sarcasm.

(guilt by association maybe? i'll never know nor care.)

in fact, i don't know that i'll be able to go to many shows period this summer. i just don't have the funds, ya know? glen phillips is this sunday,and i'm really looking forward to that. it'll be my first time to really let loose. i have today and tomorrow off,but it's not like i'll be partying. mel and lisa both work during the week, and i really need to find a place to live. so i have next monday off. sunday night should be great fun,and i'm quite looking forward to seeing one of the most charismatic people i've ever been in the presence of.

mraz is playing portland the 26th. and while my heart is just burning to see the kid, again, i cant bring myself to ask for time off. so if it's meant to be, my shifts will react accordingly. if not, whatever. there's always tapes.

now i do need to start going through ads to find something to live in for the next 2 months or so.

i'm so happy and grateful and lucky to be back here. bob and i had a conversation right before i left. he was asking me how it is i do what i do. asking if it was because i know i have a safety net back home. and i guess i'd never really thought of it that way. maybe i take my safety net for granted. i just do things though. i'm aware i have certain consequences, like paying off debt for the rest of my life, but what exactly am i supposed to be waiting for? until my surgery, i never had to ask for money. right now, i'm doing ok, but i have to have my mom pay my cell phone bill. i'm not tied down now. i'm able to do this stuff now. why burn the day and all that stuff?

and then on sunday while driving to work, i was listening to an interview with the guys from roadtrip nation. and it was overwhelmingly inspiring and rang so true. they've gone around and interviewed professionals in jobs they love. and have gotten such a broad outlook on what drives people in their 20's. and the thing that stuck with me the most is that they've found a common ground: people my age aren't living for 10 years from now. they're living for the moment. they're opening their arms and living life right now. because there's so much uncertainty out there, and you have this whole road in front of you. and if you just go with what drives you and what inspires you, you're paving the way for memories to cherish and challenges and excitement to come.

hm. yeah. gotta get involved with that project.

ooh! coldplay cd ended! time for disc 2!

look at the stars
look how they shine for you...