i'm seeing howie twice this weekend. :)

oooh. and i updated my list.

you bet your ass i'm taking advantage of being at mel's. i've already got a spindle completed and my mom is mailing me two more tomorrow that i left at home due to lack of space.

i really just can't bring myself to go to bed. this is what happens when i have nothing to do all day!!! looking through the classifieds for jobs just doesn't tire one out very much. took a little field trip to turn in the application for my apartment and to stop by target(where, of course, i spent more than i set out to). other than that, there was some tv watchin' and... lisa and i went to the grocery store because i was craving an oriental chicken salad... yeah. and i got like 10 hours of sleep last night.

more pointless babble.

i will resume blogging when i have something of substance to say.

not that there's not a lot going on in my life right now, i just don't feel the need or desire or inspiration to blog about it. which is a shame, because i just am NOT tired, and i'm in that damned time zone that is 3 hours behind the rest of the world!!!!

blast.

i really feel like i should blog. and since one of my "roommates" has gone to bed and the other is passed out on the couch, and since i've been exhausted as hell all day but of course NOW am awake...i figured i might give it a lil try.

don't think it's gonna work all that well.

so what's going on? well, i'm living in gig harbor. i've found an apartment and am going to look at it once more tomorrow before making my final decision. it has a fireplace, and this really really excites me. and makes me wish that i had my furniture with me. and that i was going to be here longer.

it's been a fun weekend. went to a teacher party friday night that was fairly amusing. can't really complain when you're being fed free margaritas, can you? ended the evening in a very chill manner by watching shrek and then a howie video. i can't even say how fucking excited i am to see that boy this weekend. saturday night in seattle and sunday night in portland. hell. yes.

anyway.

yesterday saw some unsuccessful apartment searching(ok, let's face it, i wasn't feeling well and really just didn't feel like doing it) and fun times with good people. it also saw a kick ass italian dinner and wine and vodka and tonics and steve and his band and this killer bucket drink that knocked all of us drinkers on our asses.

oh wait. most importantly: it saw SNOW. a lot of it. it actually started on friday night, snowed through out the day yesterday and then all night last night. it was fucking weird, i'm telling you. we had to stay at becky's last night because the roads were slick as hell(not that any of us were really in any condition to drive anyway). but yeah...snow...everywhere. it's such a change!

everything is such a change! the news...the fact that they say "partially sunny" instead of "partially cloudy" on the weather reports. they have like ten gazillion ways to say "it's gonna rain tomorrow." just...everything. so different. and i can't wait to be in my own place so that it actually feels like i've moved rather than just another of my 10 day seattle trips. though i will say, it is gonna be lonely.

i was just gonna type a whole bunch of stuff, but then i was smart and re-read posts from earlier last week and realized it's already been said. i guess i'll try to sleep! fun fun fun.

mmmmm. did i mention we had that soup for dinner tonight? that wonderful soup that lisa made for the gorge? damn, it was good.

and god, it's good to be here.

someone's really gonna need to make this headache go away in the near future.

thanks.

oh yeah. and i've burned about 25 cd's in the past 3 days. it's all about the perks, i tell you.

it's really quite unfortunate that the eighth of weed i brought with me happens to be the most pungent i've ever encountered. i'm running out of ways to mask the smell.

took another adventure, even farther away from "home" today. twas quite fun. damn, i love this area. it is absolutley beautiful. and we have had more rain in the past 24 hours than arizona gets in an entire year. well, during a dry year at least. ain't no joke.

i'm thinking about totalling up just how much this first leg of the tour is gonna cost me. and i know it's gonna scare the living hell out of me, but i need to bring my head out of the clouds. not that i'll cancel a single thing - i just need to OWN my debt. face up to it. fer real, b.

uuuuuuuuummmmm.

yesterday was weird.

today i was freaking out. not like emotional breakdown psycho freaking out, just freaking out because i'm totally rethinking my "plan."

ha! we all know how good i am at planning.

i don't know where the change occurred...i used to be almost control freakish in many ways. i liked to know exactly how i was going and exactly how to get there, just for my peace of mind. now this whole moving thing comes along, and i have somewhat of a plan. i know where i am gonna volunteer and where that means i need to live. figure i'll find a job once i have the details of the living thing figured out.

but now, upon closer look, i'm not sure that's what i want to do at all. i talked to the woman from stand up for kids yesterday...and after looking around bremerton and silverdale, i'm just not convinced that's where i want to be living. i could actually have a chance at finding roommates if i look more towards tacoma or even bellvue, and seeing as that specific volunteer job will only require at MAX 5 hours a week(probably more along the lines of 2 or 3), i can't justify living sooooooo far away from everything just for that.

well, and then last night i was watching the national pro-life association or whatever it's called speak(anniversry of roe v. wade was yesterday), and it scared me. these people are brilliant. their plan is completely well thought out and it totally prays on the interests and ignorance of people who don't read into things. they have their candidate in office, whom they consider to be a strongly pro-life one, and they have huge financial contributors backing them. if bush acts the way they want them to, he will be receiving massive amounts of funding from these contributors for his re-election.

anyway.

my back up plan had been to work for planned parenthood. and i really think that's what i'm gonna shoot for now. i went and drove by the two offices closest to here earlier today(only to discover that i had forgotten my wallet and was running low on gas), and a new plan has totally formed in my head.

unfortunately, i'm placing tons and tons of pressure on myself. i hate feeling like i'm burdening mel and lisa. it blows. they're not doing anything to make me feel this way, it's just how i am.

but i won't put the whole mindfuck down here.

the point IS - i'm HERE! and life is good. :)

i'm here!

hello.

i am in vacaville right now. yesterday, we left my mom's at 10:30am...i drove around tucson for about an hour, getting my fill of the desert landscape and the blue sky - i figured mel should see something while he was there. got out of town around 11.30 or so...the initial "plan" was to waste some time having lunch with a friend in phoenix so that we didn't hit LA right at rush hour on a friday afternoon. however, said friend was not available for lunch. so we stopped and at at BK and continued on our way.

LA was not half as bad as i expected it to be. i mean...there was a lot of traffic, but nothing that had us stopped for any memorable amount of time. so we decided to keep going. and then keep going some more. until it got to the point where we had 300 miles to go to get to nate's, and we were tired as fuck but decided to push on anyway. stopped at IHOP to get some food and what not, and then continued on our merry way.

took the 580 to the 680 to the 80, and about 20 miles into the 80 we discovered that we were going west when we needed to be going east. keep in mind that we had been on the road for about 15 and a half hours at this point. we were all good...but then we had to backtrack and that's when we started to loose it. mel was talking jibberish(not drunken jibberish, mind you) and i had a piece of gum stuck to my forehead.

got to nate's at around 3...which is 4 AZ time...started drinking....went to bed at about 7am....

today we didn't get up til 3 or so....bummed around and went into san fran. cant even say how much i love that damned city. went to a kick ass restaurant for italian food and then found a bar to have a few drinks. now we're debating and figuring out stuff for tickets and i'm drunk and life is good and i really don't feel like i'm MOVING somewhere new.

word.

well...

i'm having a hell of a time fitting everything into my car. go figure.

:)

crack.head.ed.

um. so so so SO much to say.

the only thing i can really say right now that summarizes how i'm feeling is: my life is such a rush right now.

and, good GOD i love it.

tummy ache!

kim and jane took me to oregano's for dinner. i can't even go into the amount of food that was consumed, but damn was it good!

ummmm. i'm hyper. really really hyper. my apartment is FINALLY done. i did most of everything by myself, and it took a hell of a long time, but it feels so good to know i never have to step foot in there again!

oh my god, i'm MOVING day after tomorrow.

anyway. i still have a lot to do. and one day to do it in. for now, i think i'm gonna gather up my handy dandy joint rolling machine and coconut rolling papers that matt and christine gave me for christmas and take it over to their house to try it out. i've been really good with my week smoking since i've gotten sick, and i think i need to smoke a joint.

in other news...well....shit. i'm moving!

ooooh. kim and i have our tour PLANNED out. i'm so fucking excited. she had said she wanted to go with me to a bunch of shows, and i figured it all out.

first of all, she's going to phoenix.

wait. i'm gonna get side tracked here. i love the damned dmb community. i put out a plea for people with pairs left for series 2, and got so many replies. i'm now able to help erin out with san diego tickets, kim and bob out with phoenix tickets and solve my shoreline problems. god bless them, each and every one.

anyway.

then she's gonna fly out to seattle. we're going to drive down to san fran for shoreline, then hit up sacramento. then drive up and hit portland, and then vancouver. that would be shows on the 18th, 19th, 21st, 23rd and 24th. glory glory halelujah. makes livin on the west coast seem not so bad at all.

and can i just say how absolutley psyched i am about the amount of freaks that will be joining the ranks at shoreline this year? kim will finally get a taste of what we call a freakfest.

rock the fuck on.

whoa!

so my computer usually connects at 28K. which sucks, sure. but whatever - i'm used to it. tonight at my mom's it was connecting at 9600. heh. quality.

so i'm just about to sign off and go to bed just now when the modem starts making this high pitched squealing noise, and my computer starts wigging out. screen goes black, except for a blue stripe through the middle. great.

so of course i have to restart and reconnect and make sure everything is ok.

it's connecting at 48K!!!!!! that's soooooooooooooo fast for me!!! and now i don't wanna go to sleep! i wanna like...download something! because it'll take some time, but that's so much faster than i'm used to!

dorkdorkdorkdorkdork

oh, man. i just did something to crack a smile into my depressed state.

so i sleep naked. and i never realized just what a habbit it was until just now when i realized that, uh, i did not in fact have any clothes on as i was getting ready to get in bed. and that i'm at my mom's. with the door unlocked. that's just gonna have to stop right away.

i feel so fucking bad for my mom. it is just eating me up inside.

so after that immensely long, depressing blog, i feel like i should focus on something good for a while.

actually, i should probably just go to bed.

but alas, i won't!

hey, guess what!!!!

You're outspoken and "out there"- you live life intensely, and dwell on your spiritual side a great deal. You're a natural leader, and you're capable of great things.

groovy tuesday.

soooooooo...tour...i'll try not to think about the stupid fucked up thing the warehouse is doing with ticketing...eww.

here's what it's looking like i'll be doing:
dc
whatever that show is the night after dc
shoreline
portland
vancouver

oh good. at least there's only one two night stand i have to worry about being dicked over on.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. tour.

now i just gotta figure out who's gonna come to shoreline with me. i mean...aside from freaks. those are the shows closest to home, so i want either jack or megan or kim or someone to come. too bad they gotta decide like...NOW!

to bed i said.

i'm just completely drained right now. aside from the fact that i'm STILL trying to get everything out of my apartment and clean the damned thing(takes a long time when you have no help!), and I'm still trying to kick this damned cold, my grandparents have totally gotten to me.

so we're sitting at dinner in the olive garden tonight, chit-chattin and what not, when my grandma brings up something about how my mom was 3 hours late arriving in albuquerque one time when we drove over. like...she's still holding it against her. it is established that this happened 8 or 9 years ago. so my mom says, quite calmly and appologetically, mind you "wow. i wish you would have brought this up earlier so i could have cleared the air!"

and my grandma proceeds to tell her she has such a huge chip on her shoulder and that she is always putting her down.

what?

so anyway. my mom and grandpa start talking about my brother's schitzophrenia. grandpa's asking all kinds of questions. i know it's hard for them to grasp the whole thing - they came of age when mental illnesses and mood disorders were unheard of and were treated by intense doses of valium or hospitalization where patients are treated like shit. but anyway. it was a pretty intense conversation that lasted quite a long time. my grandmother sat there the entire time rolling her eyes and making faces and muttering comments under her breath about what a spoiled brat my brother is.

at one point i called her out on it. pretty much said, word for word "if you don't stop sitting over there and making faces and rolling your eyes, i'm going to go crazy. if you have something to say, please say it." to which she rolled her eyes some more and pouted.

this is my fucking grandmother. not a 7 year old.

it's difficult to take for so many reasons. first of all, i know they don't really think he's sick. they think he's been spoiled his entire life(as have i) and that a little tough love will fix it up. second of all - they've never actually even liked daniel. something they've made clear to him his entire life. i've always been the favorite grandchild(until my mom's other siblings started having kids at least. *insert eye roll here*), and they treated him like shit. he was a picky kid - unacceptable to them. he was just never what they thought he should be. so i know that coming at the mental illness thing from that angle doesn't help.

it's also difficult to take because i really appreciated my grandpa asking questions. it's such a hard thing to understand for an outsider. the things that my mom and brother and i have gone through are almost impossible to articulate because there is nothing you can relate it to. i rarely talk about the situation with daniel because is is so complex and it is soooo frustrating and impossible, and i know that words cannot possibly to justice to make people understand the absolute hopelessness of the situation. when he askes questions, i see him coming to the same point we just came out of - the frustration. because there is such a limited amount of things you can do. and you realize that the care he's getting is NOT what it should be (i'll say it again- arizona is FIFTIETH for mental health care), and it's just...so damned frusterating. but the thing is, they get to that point and then blame my mom for not doing more.

so...my grandma got more and more ancy, and then something was said. i can't remember what because it pissed me the hell off. it was something having to do with what a failure my mom is as a parent. and i saw the tears come to my mom's eyes, and she said "you wanna ride home with me?" and i said yes, and we got up and left. though not before i told my grandpa thank you for asking questions, because it helps.

so we get home, and my grandma goes into her room, slams some doors, and whatever. comes out on the couch and pouts. at this point, i'm in my room(which is right off the living room - oh GOD, i'm living at home again), and get online to check email. my mom comes in and asks her if she's ok. she won't respond. so my mom says she's sorry and that she hopes that my grandma will either talk to her or get over it. so then the whooooooooole thing starts again...and i hear them start to let it slip again about what a failure my mom is(in so many words), and how she can't convince them that it's not her parenting that put him where he is and yadda yadda.

so i went out there....to...mediate, i guess. which is what i do best in this family.

my mom is trying to explain to them...about the disease...and just...ech. it always comes back around to my grandma. my mom brought up that she had depression for a lot of her adult life - but she went to therapy for 10 years and is still on medication, but she's ok. when she goes off the medication, she can feel the depression. we're trying to explain that it's a chemical thing.

so my grandma brings up pretty much how strong she is, and..."well, i guess you're just weak."

or how my mom never apologizes for anything. or how she's bullheaded and is the ONLY one who knows anything about anything, and her opinion is the only one that counts and blah blah blah.

i mean...what the fuck? it somehow became a personal attack. disgusting. i seriously can't fucking stand these people right now. i've always known my grandma had issues...but....jeeze. my grandpa's misguided views stem mainly from the fact that he's stuck in his ways. understandable. a lot of people his age are. like i said, he has no concept of what a mental illness even is - he admitted that he doens't quite believe that daniel is sick rather than rebellious. so we talked about that, and pointed out behaviors that he's noticed...like the fact that daniel used to be a good student, ,really good kid, was a student ambassador, was supposed to be a page in DC for jim kolbe, yadda yadda...and now he...

ugh. i can't talk about this anymore. luckily, they're leaving tomorrow rather than thursday as was originally planned. so maybe i'll get some peace before i make the move(and be able to actually focus on it!)

then again, they're moving here.

ugh.

my grandpa apparently didn't know that my mom had been treated for depression(which is pretty much because my mom mentioned it once, at the beginning, to my grandma - who's response was "oh, it must be nice to have the money for that kind of thing."). he talked to her about it a little while my grandma was on the phone(i'd left the house at this point) and kinda cried a little. saying he was sorry. he was like " iknow i slapped you once when you were growing up. and i'm so sorry for that."

iwrote this earlier, but couldn't post it from my mom's computer because my mom's computer is lame. LAIM.

got a wake up call from nate this morning...
tour dates are up tour dates are up tour dates are up!!!!!!
merry christmas, freaks!
i think i'm gonna have to skip out on phoenix this year, which is sacrelidgious, but what can ya do? it's terribly places...and besides - i've got portland and vancouver at my fingertips. then there's shoreline, dc and PA.

tour dates are up tour dates are up tour dates are up!

kinda feel bad for all my friends that wanted to go, because go knows they won't be able to get their shit together by saturday. and their ain't no way in hell i'll be able to cover people this tour. hell, i've still got multiple people who owe me for last tour still.

gah. i'm stressed as fuck and trying to finish the move and cleaning and i've been cranky as hell, but tour dates are up!
and mel will be here day after tomorrow!
and i leave the day after that!
and i get to see nate!
and your dates are up!

i have this friend. his name is richard. and sometimes i think he has multiple personality disorder or something. and every once in a while he really just makes me want to scream!!!!!!!! i mean, DUDE! pick a persona and stick with it for the love of all that is holy!

you know, i'll tell ya straight out that i think girls are psycho. for the most part, i stay the hell away from them.

ok, so as of late that's becoming less and less true. but i digress.

girls are way too over analytical, they flip out, and what's more to the point - they're moody. i'm not saying that i'm exempt from any of these categories, i just happen to keep it in check most of the time.

then you have guys. who are not usually moody. but man...some guys are just moody bitches!!!

the paper journal is packed, just in case anyone was wondering why i just won't stop babbling.

there's this commercial for patriotic contact lenses.

they fucking freak me out. they don't make me want to stand up and sing god bless america at all. rather, the word "RUN" comes to mind.

oh cool! tucson's had 7 homicides this year!!! oh, yeah, and we're a whole 13 days into the year!! 3 gang related murders in the same neighborhood in the last 2 days. sweet!!!

and that means the already obnoxious tucson cops are gonna have even bigger sticks up their asses.

ok, listen up folks. i'm not at all being a good looser with this whole dmb and the olympics thing. sure, i'll pretend like i'm happy for those going, but it's all a big fat lie. now i'm not gonna bitch and moan and groan and whine and sound like a total brat(aside from this one time - but this is my blog, so just fuck off :) ) - that simply ain't my style. but GAH! can you imagine seeing them in a tiny GENERAL ADMISSION crowd?? for the love of god! you could stand with more than one friend! aack! and...just...bah!!! i really just never should have thought about it! lol. and that was gonna be my birthday show, dammit! i'm a birthday-phobe as it is, i tend to be really blech on that day because of bad experiences. but now...no dmb. and no friends either. fuck that!

so if you really really really wanna bring me down, just bring it up. i dare ya.

and to think i was questioning whether or not i wanted to go.

fuck. i AM a brat.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum is it friday yet?

i'm in such a damned good mood!!!!!!!!!!!

you'd think i had sex last night or something.

i would say the party last night was a success. but then again, when don't i have fun when i go out? i was gonna take the makin's for jugga, because i wasn't in a keg kinda mood, but then it seemed like too much of a pain in the ass. so i settled for a bottle of tequilla. because i am the devil.

everyone knows about my love for tequila. it's a good friend of mine. there's not many who will actually do shots with me, because most people have had horrible experiences with it at some point in their lives, but i figured i could guilt a couple of people into it. then there's shelly, who is kinda like my apprentice(and kristy's little sister). this girl is great. she will not only do shots with me, but when i fill her shot glass up to the top, she doesn't whine and bitch and insist on me pouring her one with less, she just laughs and takes it.

damn. i even got nik to do one with me. that's an accomplishment. and i gave him back the sunglasses that i've had since before the gorge that i had to go to virginia to retrieve for him. of course, i wore them all night, but it's all good.

anyway.

it was tons o' fun. brian even showed up, which surprised me. good to see the boy, even if it was only for a little while. some old friends of mine that i haven't seen in over a year were there, so that was cool as well. they were weird at first(damned stoners), but it was cool to catch up.

hmmm. what else what else.

bob and kristy might just be one of the cutest things i've ever seen. bob is...well, he's a leo. maybe that doesn't mean anything to anyone else, but it says volumes to me about him. and he's a great guy - definitely one of my dearest friends(we're going on 9 years! woohoo!), he just has issues with girls. he's had tons of them. tons. he's always got a new one. but they're always these young girls who pose no challenge at all. then there's his last actual *relationship* where he fell in love and totally got his heart trampled.

then you take kristy, who is a really awesome person who has never really had a relationship. well, she's had one, but he was a total abusive asshole. so we don't count it. anyway - she's strong, she knows how to work it, she's independant, and like i told bob last night - she's an actual challenge for him. but he's soooooo crushing on her. it's adorable. some of the things he said last night put this huge perma-grin on my face. because if he persues it, it's gonna be so good for both of them. kristy's just gotta get to a point where she feels comfortable with the whole thing.

yeah. it was a really really good time. lots of mingling(anyone who knows me knows that i can't stay in one place for more than 15 minutes TOPS), and pretty much everyone was there. except kim. who's a ho. :)

shit, i need to get busy with the moving/cleaning thing.

i'll be in seattle(or. ahem. sorry. the seattle area.) in one week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hehe.


hehehehehehe.

hello. i am moving to seattle in less than a week.

*giggle*

ok. honestly, it really isn't hitting me. i just feel normal. well, except for this raunchy cold. but that's besides the point. my apartment is a mess, and i've got so much to do. once it's all over with, and i'm sitting at my mom's with nothing to do but wait to go pick mel up at the airport...THEN i'm sure it'll sink in.

so watch out. hyper spasms, they are a-comin'.

the cd i just made for maggie:

schism - tool
some led zeppelin song(i'm terrible with their song titles)
total hate '95 - no doubt(with bradley from sublime)
beautiful disaster - 311
i shot the sheriff - bob marley
wish you were here - pink floyd
spark - tori amos
raspberry swirl - tori amos
hey baby - no doubt
6 underground - sneaker pimps
fast as you can - fiona apple
magic carpet ride - philip steir and steppenwolf
comfortably numb - pink floyd
trapped in a box - no doubt
judith - a perfect circle

oh my god.

so i'm packing, cleaning, minding my own business - you know, because that's the fun thing to do on a friday night. and i decide to watch "once and again" because it's one of the only things on, and my mom's always raving about it.

storyline - the non-sela-ward main female character(aka "the ex") is suffering from depression. it's pretty bad, she's having panic attacks and what not. her daughter is scared that she'll hurt herself.

so she goes to her shrink for the umpteenth time, and he gives her a homework assignment to make a list every day of 3 things she loves, or is looking forward to.

so there's this scene that cuts back and forth between her walking down the street, thinking about all the things she's looking forward to - you can see the change in her, and then her daughter singing a billy holiday song.

and then she's hit by a car.

i actually had an audible response. i am really just not amused.

now i get to go find out if she dies or not.

i just finished making a cd for christine. check out this track list. no clue what i was thinking.

3x5 - john mayer
crash into me - dave & tim
redemption song - bob marley
joga - bjork
please forgive me - david gray
drops of jupiter - train
shimmer - fuel
drive - inccubus
barely breathing - duncan sheik
sunshower - chris cornell
all i want - joni mitchell
busted stuff - dave matthews band
great indoors - john mayer

all these accidents that happen
follow the dots
coincidence makes sense
only with you
you don't have to speak
i feel
emotional landscapes
they pass on me
the riddle gets solved
and you push me up to
this state of emergency
how beautiful to be
state of emergency
is where i want to be

all that no one sees you see
what's inside of me
every nerve that hurts you heal
deep inside of me
you don't have to speak
i feel
emotional landscapes
they pass on me
and confuse
then the riddle gets solved
and you push me up to
this state of emergency
how beautiful to be
state of emergency
is where i want to be

mmmmmmmmmm. bartender.

first, there is a surprise party for me saturday. this is how my conversation with matt went last night.
him: so are you going to your party on saturday night?
me: uh....wha?
him: will i see you at your party on saturday night?
me: i wasn't really aware i was having a party on saturday night, dear.
him: oh. shit. i really fucked that one up, didn't i? can we pretend this conversation never happened?

not to say i wasn't expecting it, because i pretty much figured that was the thing that had been planned. it was amusing, though.

in other news, this last week is gonna fly. my grandparents are coming in on sunday. i move in to my mom's on monday. this means my last few days will be spent living with my mom AND my grandparents. i think i'll be slightly eager to leave. they're coming to sign contracts and stuff for their new house.

my grandma called my mom the other night to tell her what my uncle mark had called to say. he basically called and chewed my grandma out for making the decision to move. he doesn't understand why they can't just stay in albuquerque, and gave her a whole ration of shit. my grandma is convinced that it's because he is bitter that they're "spending his inheritance" on a new house. he really should have just kept his mouth shut. ass.

so my mom had to assure her that they're doing the right thing. they really need to move for several reasons. my grandma's health being number one. the woman is just skin and bones and has got several diseases. she's constantly cold because of bad circulation, and is finding it difficult to endure winters. there fore, it kinda makes sense to be in arizona. hello. yes. it is january 11th, and it is 79. secondly, they really don't need to be alone. thirdly, they don't want my mom to be alone anymore because of all the shit that's gone down with daniel. my mom has told them that that's not the reason they need to move, but i have to say that i'm glad they are taking that into consideration. i have been emotionally and mentally supporting my mom since i was 6 years old, and it's kinda nice to have someone else step up to bat. don't get me wrong - my mom has become one of the strongest women i have ever known(many many many years of therapy), but her and i have both decided that it's ok for me to want to move away permanently, and it's nice to know she'll have some kind of family still in town, as the struggle with my brother's mental illness is going to be a life-long one.

now hopefully my grandparents will lighten up a bit. can't ask for too much at once though. ;)

i've been at my mom's for the past two days, sicker than i've been in a long long long time. had to reschedule tomorrow's move(paying a co. to get my furniture from my apartment to my mom's casa) to monday. it's a really good thing i'm not making the actual move-to-seattle tomorrow as i'd originally planned.

it does kinda suck that i'm this sick for my last weekend in town...but what can ya do? hopefully i'll be ok by saturday night. i've been told to keep it open, because things have "been planned."

one week!!!!!!!

even worse than the article below.

ew.

ugh.

i feel like absolute ass. cough that just won't quit, and all i really want to do is crawl up in bed and sleep it off.

however.

my bed is covered in boxes and knick-knacks and laundry and i've got quite a bit to do!

so i guess i'll take some aleve and hope the fever breaks. :)

saw "lord of the rings" earlier tonight. it's one of those movies i insisted on seeing in the theaters. i loved it! highly intelligent and so much more creative than i realized it was. i had to pee one hour in(we're talking a three hour movie here, folks), and i couldn't bring myself to leave to go to the bathroom because i knew i'd miss something important.

which leads me to my important thought of the day. movie theaters, especially these massive ones that have been popping up for the past few years, should be required to have bathrooms within 20 feet of each theater door. because there was ONE bathroom in this particular theater that i was at tonight. and it was at the opposite end. we're talking a 16-screener here. and that is just no fun.

word.

i feel like i should do some kind of "2001 year in review" type thing...because i always do.

but then i start coughing.

so i'm gonna go sit in bed and write it in the paper journal. and maybe, if you're good, i'll type bits of it up at a later date.

i officially have all of my shows filed in their nifty box, and the cases packed away. and i have filled up a nice little photo album i bought today at target...full of pics of my friends so that i don't have to lug along each individual package of pictures.

damn, i'm good at priori

COUGHCOUGHGAGGAGCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH

nevermind.

so the crunch is on...i've got a lot of people who are very insistent on getting as much time with me as they can. thing is...i've got a lot to do. and i can already feel the tensions rising - for them at least. i will spend time with everyone, they're just all gonna have to chill a bit. i don't want them to think i'm downplaying the whole situation, but good lawd - i'm going for a short amount of time. it will be a big change, and i'm nervous...but i'm more excited. the nerves aren't stemming from fear of going into a deep dark depression because of the shock of the change - that just ain't gonna happen. they're natuaral nerves associated with being away from home for the first time ever.

but what was i saying?

oh yeah. the point was, there's no need for anyone to get bent out of shape about the time i spend with them in the next two weeks. and even less of a need for anyone to think there's gonna be some big emotional goodbye.

at least if i have anything to say about it!

have i mentioned lately how fucking weird nick is? cuz he's just really fucking weird.

anyway...back from NoVa. what a time. absolute blast. there is absolutley nothing like a freak gathering. i would review it in depth, but i just don't feel like it...at least right now. i will say that AGR is a fabulous band. or should i say WAS a fabulous band. i'm a bit depressed that i didn't catch on til their last show. raw talent, boys and girls. that's what they got.

oh, and then there's andrew. i don't think i've ever been in the presence of a more attractive male in all my live long life. DAAAAAYUM...that boy....wow.

anyway...it actually was a tough making the decision whether or not to go. because i really wanted to be with my friends here for new years...but i wanted to be with my friends there as well. i can honestly say that i do not in any way regret making the decision to go. gatherings with dmb people are like healing periods. i've said it before and i'll say it again - it's like the in-between times are times to reflect and process whatever strange lesson it is the last trip has taught me. right before i left this time, i had a few realizations. and then the actual trip comes, and i can apply my new-found knowledge to my life in surroundings which allow me to be more myself than anywhere else. lovely how that works, isn't it?

aaah, anad the tour is starting soon. which bothers me a bit because i'm realizing that i just cannot do as much as i did last year. i don't have the money, and i won't have a job that's leniant about the amount i'm used to spontaneously taking off.

but there will always be the gorge. :)

how rad will it be if the gorge dates happen while i'm still living there? then you can bet your ass several of my friends from here will be joining the freakcapades for a short while.

i'm quite distracted by the fact that the move is in (less than!!) two weeks. i've so much to do...and it really hasn't hit me that it's actually happening. tomorrow will be the first hard core packing day. moving everything over to my mom's...

there is this really terrible movie on HBO right now with mena suvari. something about a girl who sets out to loose her virginity in one of her dad's pornos or something.

time to change the channel!!

i'm alive and well and in fairfax. made a little suprise attack on the freaks for NYE. so yeah, all that shit about my four options on new years were purely for my own amusement. look for a review coming soon.

good god, it's been a blast...