yeah, that entry from oct 2000...wow. that was a year ago. and i really didn't think i was gonna make it through. that entry gave way to the darkest period of my life.

and at the risk of being tedious, i'm going to type up the entries that changed that period. because it's my blog, dammit.

12/13/00
ok...well...i'm going! i will be seeing the dmb on sunday night in philly. oh, how i need this. i'm so fucking psyched.

12/15/00
hmm. i leave tomorrow. well, just technically tomorrow as i haven't gone to bed yet... wow. what the hell am i doing? i am SO GLAD i chose to do this. maybe it'll give me a little perspective...a little distance...

12/21/00
ok. i need to start writing about "the trip." it was incredible. one of the best decisions i've ever made. i can't even get over it. it was amazing.

*edit a bunch of shit about the layover in cincy where there was a pretty good chance of the flight being cancled due to bad weather in DC. almost didn't get there*

so i waited outside the airport for matias for about half an hour, "adapting" to the cold, which really wasn't all that bad.

they pulled up and out hopped this smiling guy - matias. introduced myself to his friend adriann, and we were off!! i was instantly at ease. we talked about dmb all the way to the appartment - found out that adriann has been to more than 50 shows.

once eat the appartment, i was served a plate with pasta, shrimp and salad - rather tasty if you ask me. we sat around, drank wine, listened to dave, talked and laughed. it was fantastic. i already adored both of them. it was unreal. i called home to tell the boys that i was in absolute heaven.

i wish i could write down every single detail.

the next day, it was off to philly for the show. soon after we left, i asked if either of them had met the band. i was treated to magical stories from adriann about her encounters. stories that left me giddy.

throughout the day, i'd just break into a smile and say "oh my GOD i am so excited"

we got to philly and met up with joyce - a woman much older than us, ,and completely cool. the waiting began for me at this point. i was more than anxious. let's think about this: i usually do a countdown...and i found myself in philly with less than a week's notice, sitting with people who were...just...perfect. getting ready to go see my boys on the last night of the tour. it was almost overwhelming. but not quite.

went to get andy, who provided me with the ticket. brought him back to the bar where people had begun to congregate.

i looked at andy at one point and said something about the fact that eveeryone was happy and talking abou tdave...and we just laughed.

*edit everything about the concert itself.*

*edit more stuff*

so we spent the last few hours that i was there chatting about random things. "so do you want to go back?" "no." i wasn't expecting the weight of my return home to be baring down on me like it was. walking to the ticketing counter at the airport, there was a brief moment when i probably could have started crying.

it was amazing. GOD. i am so glad i chose to make that trip. the effect that it has had on my mindset is amazing. it's so improved - though that's truly an understatement. it showed me so much about myself AND i had an incredible time. the two just feed off of eachother. the music has done so much for me.

i feel so much better. i have things to look forward to. there are some amazing people to meet and tiems to be had. this music is such an aphrodisiac.

i'm just really disassociated from my problems. that isn't what i mean... i just...things went down, and shit happens, but i'm going to be ok. john really isn't in my life, still, but i tried. and if he doesn't reciprocate that that's all the better - i don't need people like that around. it's still slightly bittersweet, but i can breathe and i smile a lot more than i have in a long time. there are so many GOOD things in my life. wonderful people who bring a lot to my life - and the number is expanding. i learned a log from both john and rachel, and while i have moved rachel to the top of my "people i dislike above all else" list(a small list, mind you) i am able to just say "oh well" with john.

i love this music. i love the passion it awakens in me and the way it makes me feel abou tlife. the mindset it has helped me find. i love the people involved in the community. i love how it has helped me become a better person and how it has encouraged me to really FIND myself.

2/15/01
AMAZING. i have been in a perpetually good mood for weeks now...

the new cd was leaked, concert dates were announceed last week, the planing has begun...

i am so fucking excited it is unreal. going to cincinnati next weekend...i can't even believe that. i'm going to actually meet people who i interact with on a pretty much daily basis, and who i'll be spending time with this summer, creating memories that are sure to be some of the most significant of my life. i am anxious as hell. this is going to be a time of extreme personal growth. though...i really do see to go through that more than your average person. but very positive growth this time. this music and the community of people have done immeasurable things for my outlook. i am happier now thanany other time i can remember. there is so much to look forward to and so much life to be lived...so many people to meet, get to know and love and so much music to be heard.

--
back to present time...

wow. i really had no clue how true any of that would end up being.

that's all for now.