never has playing with fire been such a temptation. in so many different ways...

one more thing:

carter IS in fact a god.

so i'm sitting here, staring at tour dates.

i'm listening to shoreline night 2 and just staring at tour dates. trying to figure out how the hell i can possibly fit in another show before hartford. hell, instead of hartford. i don't care. i just don't want to wait 2 months for another show!!!

("neurotic" would be the word of the day)


so west palm is totally out because it'll be WAY too expensive. plus, if anywhere, i'd like to go home that weekend. gotta work the week of july 6, so that rules a bunch out. wedding the weekend of VaB. then there's camden, but i've got another wedding that next weekend, and it'll probably be my last week of work. the wedding fucks up darien or hershey. so that takes me pretty much through to hartford.

yes. i felt it extremley necessary to waste your time with that little bit of unnecessary nonsense.

the point is - listening to these shows is just incredible. i knew they were good, but being able to hear them all again, i'm able to soak it all in even more than before. it's a process i make myself go through, because...well...that's just how i am.



[ok. so i just read through what i had just written...and you wanna know what pops into my head? what if i just drive from the wedding in south dakota straight to the 2 shows before hartford and then just go all the way through to deer creek. now, don't get your panties in a bunch - i'm not gonna do that. but i was even starting to justify it. my car is almost dead anyway. i could just drive til it stopped working...]

forget about the notion that our emotion
can be kept at bay
forget about being guilty
we are innocent instead
for soon we will all find our lives swept away...

i have a problem.


(ok, so i have many problems.)

leslie and maggie will be here thurs-tues. and i really don't know how i'm gonna go that long without listening to this music.

oh yeah. and just for the record: i fucking love the west coast.

so...i feel like i should say something...but, uh, it's a bit difficult to "summarize" 10 days worth of events.

i'm home and i'm reflecting and i cannot believe the run i just had. the people i met were infuckingcredible, the sights were fantastic and the shows were even more amazing than the two of those combined. i feel like i've grown up, and i know i've changed. and despite the need many of my friends have to keep our group of friends small, i am fucking loving the fact that i have expanded my circle of friends by dozens of people. i haven't been this excited by meeting new people and getting to know casual acquaintances(butchered that spelling) in a long, long time.

as much as i would have loved to have had someone to really share the whole adventure with, my need to experience things alone has strengthened somewhat. if someone comes along who has the desire and the stamina to be there with me, so be it. but right now...i feel very strong and even more independent than ever before. my passion for life has grown so much, and i know for a fact that is highly visible to everyone i come in contact with.

and now, it's time to go pick up pictures.

bye bye.

nate wanted me to add up the concerts i've been to since cincy(feb 2001).

i came up with 67, but i feel like i'm missing some.

by the end of this month, it'll be 80.

before it's lost forever...i found this in the american airlines magazine this past weekend. my horoscope for may:

aquarius-
obviously it's not going to do one bit of good to ask you to behave yourself and not continue to freak people out wondering where you're going to be next week. since you have no idea where you will be even tomorrow morning, next week is a long way off. we could all respect your need for complete freedom if only your inner child weren't forever screaming and crying to be held.


so yeah. no clue what that last bit is about, but the rest of it...what the hell?!

funny thing is, about half an hour after i read that, i landed in chicago and got stuck for the night. at which point i called up scotty who came to my hotel, smoked me out, and took me to denny's.

gotta love having friends all across the US. :)

so mel and i just spent about 20 minutes on the phone in an attempt to get our shit together and figure out what we need to do tomorrow in preperation for this trip.

mel's list:
get alcohol
get weed
go to a smoke shop

my list:
make sure mel gets alcohol
and weed
and goes to a smoke shop

isn't it great how that works?

oh my god i CAN"T FUCKING WAIT. it's too bad this is one trip i really should pack in advance for. and i really need to clean. a lot. and go to the bank and get money. and...yeah...random stuff like that. i wanted to burn a shitload of shows to give out at the shows, but i only have like 15 done so far. i need to download recent shows for us to listen to in the car, but i can't find a server i can get into to save my life(unless it is 1am).

yeah, life is SO difficult.

and i know i say this every time, and it's true every time, but i think this time it's a little different: this trip is going to change my life.

howie AND [a very drunk] mayer were in my dream last night. and it was a very very fun dream. fucking alarm clock went off just as i was trying to decide who to sleep with.

sleep in the literal sense, kids.

yet another amazing weekend...

it's so theraputic to spend time with people who make you feel such incredible amounts of love. i can't get over how much i adore the hell out of the huff bros. they have got to be two of the funniest guys on the face of the earth. and i love being able to see where people live and be in their environments, rather than hotel rooms. huffy flew to texas friday night to help emily move back, and still managed to make it back saturday night so that we could party till the wee hours of the morning. it was the absolute perfect way to get the excitement for shoreline flowing through me.

and now...THAT trip is coming up so fucking fast. and it's going to be so damned good. i'm so excited to meet so many people, and so excited to see so many people, and unbelievably excited to see this band that doesn't even slightly resemble the one i followed last summer.

it's gonna be epic, folks. 10 days on the road.

word.

so i'm sitting on the plane in cincy, waiting to take off, reading my book, and i see this strange head shape out of the corner of my eye.

oh look. there's howie and vance.

for the love of all that is holy, i really don't need to be dubbed "stalker girl."

it was so fucking funny though. when i got up to go to the bathroom, i was like "hey howie." he looked up at me and then just started cracking up and said "oh my god," and reached out his hand for me. i swore that i wasn't a stalker and explained that i just had a lay over in dallas...yadda yadda.

it was pretty damned amusing.

i was so good about not going and bugging him before or after the show on saturday night, too. i figured maybe he doesn't need to know all the shows i go to. he mentioned that he'd been told he'd see me this weekend...who knew it'd be on the god damned plane. lol.

i can't believe i'm not going to the phoenix show this weekend! eep!

all my friends are preparing. it's so funny. and i'm so damned excited for them. kim hasn't been to a show since LA last year, and she's taking her mom. huffy got them seats in the 3rd row pit. and then megan and jane are 4th row pit. and then bob and jeremy are 6th row pit. i think i'm the most excited about the experience those two are gonna have. bob has been a fan as long as i have. carter is like his drummer god. and he's never sat anywhere other than the lawn. i can't wait to talk to him afterwards...it just puts this huge smile on my face. they're all back home planning and counting down the hours. my mom is also going...she's pretty stoked as well. bob's asking me what the odds are that they'll get pig...and asking if i think they should take some "happy cigarettes." kim's dreaming of watchtower. jane hasn't seen them in years. and megan...well, megan is insane about them. and i know they're gonna get an awesome show.

it's gonna be such a kick in the ass when something amazing happens with frickin gov't mule.

ok. one person brought to my attention that it sounds like i have a crush on someone. so i asked around to a few of you other readers, who seem to have the same idea.

lol.

no no no. see, my life is totally crushless right now. i thought that would come through! the whole bit about the guy who i wanted to talk to and yadda yadda? yeah, that's just your bi-annual nick-banter. nothing interesting.

heh. sorry to get your hopes for juicy amanda gossip up. ;)

i find it hard to explain how i got here

i think i can i think i can
but then again
i will falter

dream

hi.

i'm going to cincinatti tomorrow.
=)


fuckin a. i can never spell that city right. is that right, nikki?

one day we might see
by doing not a thing
breathing just to breathe
we might find some reason

rargabarga

just saw howie on mtv's "you hear it first" segment.

it made me smile. slowly. (one of the best ways to smile.)

i was expecting just a little tidbit, but it was rather lengthy. they focused quite a bit on the "inspired by dave matthews" factor. pretty interesting in light of the events of the past week.

wow. that was just...surreal.

everything is surreal these days. i was just talking to rach about it. like...this is my life, but i feel like i'm in a dream or something. my reality is so...just...weird. there was no adjustment period upon moving here, and it still kinda feels like i'm just on one of my trips. but...it doesn't. this is where i'm supposed to be.

and going to concerts seems to be just...what i do. seeing an artist multiple times in a period of a few days...normal. having to talk to tour managers about taping policies...goes with the job. getting home late at night after driving to another city to see a show and then going to work...not that big of a deal.

what did i do this weekend? my mom was in town and we did all kinds of touristy stuff and relaxed.

i forget that i effectively drove to portland basically to just smoke a joint with tim reynolds, have some weird nonsense conversations and then come back.

i just...is this my life?

i'm lonely. very very lonely. and it's not something that will be solved by hanging out with lisa and becky watching prime time tv. it's not something that will be solved with long phone calls or IM conversations. it's not something i even really see being solved period. life just keeps getting better and better. my passion for everything i do becomes more and more intense every day.

there are so many unbelievable guys in my life right now. and they just keep entering...one after another. my bonds with so many of them are so deep. but it's like...somewhat frusterating because i don't really want to waste my breath telling any of them all these things i have going on inside my head. i could, but... it seems like a waste of energy. i don't want the wrong impression given. and i don't want the bonds to go that deep with any of these guys, for a multitude of reasons.

and of course the one guy that i know i could just really get into it all with is in a "don't return amanda's calls" phase.

not that i've tried more than twice to get ahold of him in the past 4 months.

but...whatever. i know that it would be the scariest to reconnect with him. but it's so fucking tempting.

lol.

i'm not even gonna keep going with this one.

all i want is one dmb/music loving, passionate, tall, intelligent boy! is that so difficult???!!!

HA!

trauma rauma about some howie shows last week, dude. it's all over the hdtb.

i personally find it all amusing. some people are offended, some are sure the world is gonna end, some are calling it the end of his career. that remains to be seen. i do know the following:

-howies crowds are awful. the crowd in gettysburg was pathetic. it was a social gathering. and the girls who were there who were "into it" were shrieking and screaming incessantly throughout the entire thing. nate just sent me the video. this video is incredible. probably the best i've seen. but i couldn't sit through the entire thing because these girls are just Out Of Control. not to say i'm excusing or explaining or not excusing or not explaining what he did, but quite frankly, i feel a bit sorry for the guy. i'd want to shoot either myself or the girls.

-howie's playing is suffering. who knows why. maybe he needs an enema. maybe the drugs don't work(they just make you worse). maybe he NEEDs drugs.

-howie is fucking amazing. and i know he's still got it in him.

that all said: i hope he continues to be an ass. i hope people are revolted and stop going to shows. i hope he goes back to playing tiny venues where 50 people show up to see him play, and all stand quietly, grooving to themselves, and then discuss afterwards what the hell it was they just experienced. because i'm a selfish brat, and that's that. =)

ummmmmmmmmmmm.
yeah.

i've got such an overwhelming amount to say. and it's only gonna get worse. my mind is constantly spinning...so much so that my sleep has become very restless and my dreams have remained almost disturbing. i've got so much inside right now that i'm dying to share with someone - but i refuse to let it be the wrong someone.

saw timmy last night. it was swell. =)
of course, we got there in time for the last half hour of the show, which kinda sucked, but whatever. there's always the after concert events. and the actual drive, which is always fun.

let me see if i can recapture one of the "brilliant" things i said last night while we were sitting in the car waiting for our highs to subside...

some people listen to different types of music or different artists depending on their moods. i just listen to different eras of dmb."

this was followed by a conversation on how many times the lyric "i had a clue now it's gone forever" is perfect in life.

in other news: tim really liked texas before the bush's took over.

oof.

mayer is playing the paramount(INCREDIBLE venue) on august 10th. however, that is when i will be wrapping up my 19 day excursion across the east coast/midwest. so i'm gonna have to miss it. i did predict that that was the next place he'd play, though. what a theater!

it's fairly amusing to pay attention to the referral page on my stat tracker. especially since in the past few days there have been several people who have gotten here from google by typing in things like "bonnaroo ticket advice" and "finding tickets bonnaroo." then there's the ones that frighten me by just typing in my first and last name. who is searching for my first and last name?

oh my.

i've been trying to zero in on my dream from last night for a long long time now(well, the 20 minutes that i've been awake) and it just came to me. gavin was aaaaaaaall over started out with a small group of people sitting in a little auditorium listening to...some other musician i really like. then bushstarted playing. then the other band members left, and a lot of the audience left and gavin kept playing. the audience kept dwindling, and those of us remaining would move closer and sing along, shouting out requests. finally, gavin ended up sitting in the audience with us.

somehow him and i started talking...flash forward to being at "my place." we were just getting along like good friends, but new friends. talking about stuff. he confided in me the date of he and gwen's wedding(july 17). then i went to the bathroom. when i came out, he had found my scrapbooks, each of which has many many pages dedicated to that damned band. so i just laughed my ass off as he went through, making facees at the pictures he didn't like, and both of us agreeing on the "good" ones.

it was weird. very very weird.

i've written 63 pages in my journal since april 10th. i am so damned proud of that. and there's some really good stuff in there, which makes me even more proud. i still feel like i haven't really gotten down as deep as i'd like to, but i'm working up to it. i haven't written this much this often in a long long time. i'm finding it challenging to force myself to get up and grab the journal and pen whenever i have a thought that needs to be written down. it's such a good challenge, though. these are times of intense personal change, and while there's not really anyone i care to share it all with, i'm really glad all these thoughts aren't going unnoticed.