i've gotten a series of emails lately that have cracked me up, as they show the weirdness of my boys perfectly. they're all completely unrelated, but i just gotta post them.

email #1
from: aden
subject: i'll duct tape my windows for protection from the stupid!!

Hey kiddies! It's been quite sometime since I launched myself into a literary frenzy and brought a scathing, twisted harangue to the inboxes of all of my nearest and dearest. I've grown particularly endeared to the Dayquil in the past week or so. There has undoubtedly been a freakish outbreak of influenza; certainly one not seen since a similar plague cut down the weak and faint-of-heart at the turn of the century when it bared the name of that sketchy Iberian nation-state. Determined to rid myself of this vile scourge, I stammered from my tranquil domicile the other day with whatever remained of a bottle of tequila and proceeded to hike up the nearby mountain. Somewhere up there, I thought, would be the place I would engage this malaise in a cataclysmic bout, whereby the tequila would purge my exhausted immune system of this black death...or kill me in the process. Unfortunately, I ended up dru! nk on an empty trail (or what I t hought was a trail) around mid-afternoon on a Saturday. This isn't a place where one likes to find himself...regardless of who you are...climbers on K2, or Everest for that matter, typically fall prey to injury or death on the descent, not the ascent as is popularly thought. The human mind wanders aimlessly through a plethora of mundane and extreme topics in these situations, and naturally I decided to pay particularly thoughtful attention to the recent terrorist scare and the corresponding lack of feminine companionship (a connection exists between the two, I just haven't pieced it together yet).

I had failed to even notice the terrorist warnings until only a few days ago, and considering the BBC hadn't taken notice, I wrote it off as sensationalist yellow journalism...a throwback to the heady days of Boss Tweed and contrived shootouts with the pathetic remnants of the Spanish Navy around exotic places like the Philippines, and Cuba. It wasn't until some yahoo fatback over in DC decided to assign a color to this new boogey-man threat that I took pause in my otherwise uneventful day. Apparently we're sitting on a "code orange", and that means little to a novice at paranoid hysteria like myself. Allow me to digress for a moment; I was raised with a term called "Defcon" that had a 1-5 scale and conjured up images of the Joint Chiefs in a NORAD control center carved into a mountainside in Wyoming. This "code orange" makes me think of jaundice, struggling Buccaneer teams of yesteryear, and shitty new soft drinks.&! nbsp; Thi s means little to the fa ir denizens of our eastern seaboard, where many are squandering their incomes on plastic and duct tape. What deranged idiocy is this? If there are indeed turban clad holy warriors intent on "dying in the belly of the beast", I've got a nagging suspicion they're going to get me one way or another. I will, however, gladly stockpile a cache of good music and powerful hallucinogens, and go out like Fredo in a flagrant and nauseating orgy of excess whilst in the company of dingbat undergrads from Southern California. Lets not get detracted from the meat of the issue, and that is a publicized collection of Americans asphyxiating themselves because of the self-inflicted strangulation of fear. These people, and the public officials responsible for alarming them, should be publicly flogged. Ever since Sept. 11th, the intelligence community has been playing an annoying game of CYA, and there are a sufficient number of waterheads in th! is countr y to respond in a s tupid manner. Instead of a flogging in the town square, why not reinstitute keel hauling. (This is done by tying a rope to a man's feet and arms and dragging him beneath the keel of the vessel while at sea.) This was an effective "old timey" deterrent for insubordination of any variety in the Royal Navy for centuries. In the modern times we live in, with gargantuan nuclear powered capital ships, this can be a dodgy, though visceral, experience. These days people are worried about terrorists and sinister biological agents, and I'm out here scouring the Tucson hinterlands for a woman capable of sustained, interesting conversation that looks good in a pair of blue jeans. It appears as though someone's priorities have run askew, could be me, could be them.

We've traversed a long road, hitting the high points that ranged from drunken hikes into the mountains, all the way to outdated forms of corporal punishment. I'd say that's sufficient for one nugget of correspondence; I hope this finds most of you in good spirits, and I look forward to chewing the fat with you all at another time. Much love!
-Aden
Post Script-If this correspondence finds you and you are wondering why, don't sweat it, just ignore it and pretend as though you've never heard my name, because you've mistakenly landed in my online address book.


email #2
from: mikey
re: aaaaaaaw yeah!

shit! did i already email you back? i swear i'd lose my head if it wasn't attached. so what's up? i'm working hard out here, i really need a nap today. so, it sucks - i'm going to be in russia when you come to town for the dave/tim show. yeah, we're going on a class trip (all-expenses paid, baby) to moscow and kazan from mar. 13 to 24. going to be rad, but i'm sorry i'll miss yous. you seem to know new york pretty well, if i remember right, but still, if you need any cool bar suggestions, feel free to ask someone else - i can only recommend filthy establishments with disreputable characters and peanut-shell coated floors. although i'd be more than happy to pass along those addresses - just make sure you wear a scowl when you walk in. a new york scowl, baby. gotta fly, give the boys love -

seraz.


email # 3 is really long...
so i'm going to post it later because i'm going to go see "old school" now. it looks hilarious. oh, and, HELLO! vince vaughn and luke wilson? good lawd.

you strangle me
you strangle me
you are my strength

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

i just can't wake up today. probably because i woke up at 4 or so and didn't really do anything but toss and turn until 8. but there's this fuzziness behind my eyes that i find quite annoying.

last night was really fun. went down to campus with paul and nik and miranda to get something to eat and see this band paul's been telling me about. they were quite good. then me and him went over to ben's for a bit, just because we were down there. it's where a lot of my "other" friends work, and so i know virtually the entire staff through parties and stuff. had to have a drink in there while i was down there. i know way too much gossip about the people that work there.

then we headed to meghan's. it was cool to see the boy of course, as i haven't seen them much lately. and then there were several people i haven't seen in a while. the boy i had a crush on that i talked about yesterday showed up. my, how he's changed. even since the pictures i've seen of him. he now has long hair and a damn lot of facial hair.

we actually got into a really really good conversation about what we've been doing and such. i was really surprised to hear a lot of the things i currently feel coming out of his mouth. see, in high school, this boy was a genius. he has a 4.3 gpa, president of this and that, on the basketball team, and he got a 1500(maybe 1550?) on his SAT's. he applied to stanford as well as a few other ivy league schools. he was turned away from 2 of them because they had met their quota of white kids...which is where i start to get a little bitter towards affirmative action, but that's another story. anyway. ended up going to harvey mudd, where he turned into quite the alcoholic and flunked out. er...was put on "academic probation" which involved coming back to the UA to try and get his shit together.

never really happened. but since then he's lived in nyc for a period of time, and just seems really grounded, which is so nice. a more highly evolved version of himself, which is excellent because he's such an awesome person. he's living at home right now, and was talking about how he just wished people would get away from tucson so they could see all that we don't have here, and how much more is available elsewhere as far as your entire life experience is concerned. he told me about his experiences in nyc. and then he started talking about how when he first came back, he latched on to his old group for a while, but now he'll go months without talking to them or even returning their calls. because he just has this need to be able to do his own thing and not be tied down to any one group or person. he likes to go out of his own accord or stay home of his own accord....

and as he's saying all this, i'm just like...well hello there! welcome to my world! when i first came back my boys were my comfort zone, and god bless them for that. but now...i'm just far more comfortable doing whatever pleases me. calling up whoever the hell i want, seeing what they're up to and then either going along or not. it's fantastic.

anyway. i really really liked talking to this guy. got an update on his family and his little niece who was about 3 months last time i saw her, who is now 5(!!!). i just...yeah. much love for the boy.

of course i had to give him lots of shit about virtually everything, too, because that's the way we work. we ended up looking through meghan's dad's old yearbooks and trying to decide which girls were the sluts and all that jazz, and just remembering random shit. it was amusing.

i'm completely in awe of the 360 me and jeremy's relationship has done. haven't talked to him in probably 3 weeks(gave him a call last weekend, and it took him 3 days to return it and i never returned THAT)...and i saw him last night, and it was just...nothing's there anymore. nothing at all. like we hugged, and blah blah. might have small talked a little bit, but all that built up over those 6 months is completely gone. and that's weird, but...i can't say as it bothers me much. he's in full fledged girlfriend mode, and i know a few of our other friends are a bit butthurt that he hasn't been talking to them as much or whatever, but...i kinda knew this was how it would be.

god. am i done yet?

it's a good possibility.

come and dance with me...

i think i have a lot to say. consider that your warning.

i don't think i wrote about the grammy's and how they reduced me to a snivling girl for a good 5 minutes. i was at dinner with my mom, but they had tv's in the bar. i almost cried when norah jones was singing...not because i could even hear her, but because i'm sure it was overewhelming for the girl. i almost cried when she got her first award, too.


then there's the mayer boy. sunday happened to mark the 2 year anniversary(hahaha) of the first time i heard him. and almost 2 years since the night i told him he was headed for a grammy. i can't even tell you whether or not i thought he deserved it...but all i know was i saw him reduced back to that boy with the messy hair and circles under his eyes when he accepted that award. i smiled. i put my face in my hands. i couldn't hear what he was saying, but damn i was proud. because while i don't know that i'll ever see him live again(and i really don't blame him for the awful crowds he's attracted...if i was 16 i'd be squealing over him too!), i am in touch with what i love about his music. it's got integrity. so good for him.

plus, there was the girl who worked at the bar who is friends with my mom shouting "ooooh! there's your boyfriend!"

anyway. what else?

pretty excited. one of my best girlfriend's from high school, meghan, just got offered a job in florida and is leaving next wednesday. so tonight we're all gonna gather at her house. and this boy is going who i haven't seeni n 4 years or so, who i had the cutest crush on. i didn't actually want him, but he was a doll. and he had the best arms...yes, i remember going to basketball games just to watch the arms in action. can't wait to see him again, though from the pictures i've seen he's changed a lot. gone from a shaved-head, clean cut look, to hair(which is brown! i thought it'd be blonde!) and a scruffy beard.

while participating in the viewing of the new sorority life and fraternity life last night(fucking reality television) i was really kind of taken aback by the huge bombardment of commercials aimed at getting people into the armed forces. airforce, marine core, army... they are spending a lot a lot a lot of money on these ads, and airing them when they know their desired audience is watching.

i didn't say much about it, but i was impressed that the girls i was watching with actually stopped and went "whoa. we're really going to war." i mean, part of my wanted to say "yeah. hi. where have you been. i know i say that people are being ignorant about all this, but you're really proving my point". but part of me hoped that maybe this would bring some awareness to them. we have 210,000 troops over there. we have 160,000 reservists who have been called to active duty. that's a lot of people.

we got into a discussion about the draft. because there has been lots of talk about starting sign ups for it(i think they're saying anyone under 26). and one can only assume that will create a quick debate over what women's place will be in this war.and i can only hope that all the people out there who aren't paying attention can deal with the consequences of their indifference.

bush's speech last night...well, they finally have a "plan" for the aftermath of their war. and it's the anti-war movement's worst nightmare realized. bushy wants to spread democracy to all of the middle east.

that thought stops me cold. not gonna go into it right now.

the oil debate? i'm not really with all of those who say this is a war entirely about oil. sure, i think there's some truth to that. but it's an argument that allows me to be framed as a liberal searching for a cause. however, i don't think the administration should be calling it ridiculous. it's very obvious that we've got oil interests in iraq. if it's such an "out there" assumption, they need to stop using iraq's oil. rumsfeld keeps saying that there are many other places from where we can get our oil. so do it. and why are troops guarding the oil fields? i really doubt it's for environmental reasons, as nice as that would be. i mean, i understand that our relations with south america, where another large portion of the world's oil is, are pretty sour(though you won't see that covered in the news, since it's yet another conflict we created on our won) but put your money where your mouth is. PROOVE that it's not about oil.

lastly, i spent part of yesterday participating in the virtual march on washington. didn't get through to either of my senators or the white house, but i put in a damn good effort. and since i failed there, i emailed all of the members of the UN security council, and called my state representatives.

finally, i emailed all the members of the tucson city council as well as the mayor. why? because one councilman has tried to create a resolution similar to those passed by 100 other cities(most recently LA) that goes against the war. a few of them overturn the patriot act as well. however, my city council will not even consider such a measure because it is unpatriotic and does not support our troops.

i won't get started there. :)

i'm sure there'll be more to come later. i need to post 3 emails from 3 of my highschool boys. all brilliant in their own rights.

oh, and yeah. i just bought my ticket for dave and tim. flying out march 18 and coming back march 23. it's really soon. it kinda sank in for a few minutes last night and i decided it's definitely better if i push it out of my mind for as long as possible. and i wasn't even thinking about the dave and tim part of things last night - just the fact that i'm going to be seeing mel for the first time in way too long. and jen and matias. and joyce. and lenelle. and of course bill and scotty, but they've almost become staples in my life it seems.

eat too much
drink too much
use up too much
too much

i don't think we'll be going to war as early as previously thought.

the date swimming around the media(which, of course, i diss a lot, so who am i to even be using it as a source, right?) has been march 3, or the first week of march. now it's last week of march, first week of april.

let's hear it for the anti-war movement.

listening to the first version of you never know i ever heard(yes, i cried)...the first time they ever played it

sitting still as stone
watching

people walking by me and i wonder if
no one ever stops to talk or thinks about if they ever did

what if god shuffled by?

one day we might see
by doing not a thing
like breathing just to breathe
we might find some reason
but it's rushing around
that's what's wrong with the world
don't loose the dreams inside your head
they're only there until you're dead
dream

lying on the roof counting
the stars that fill the sky
wondering why
someone out there little angels looking back down on me
you never know

so much space to believe

funny, when you're small
the moon follows the car
there's no one but you see
hey
the moon is chasing me

and i worried if i looked away she'd be gone
don't loose the dreams inside your head
they're only there until you're dead
dream

running through the wood
with no cares in the world
the world she's come to play
she's all mine just for a day

and there's no time to waste in the play of this game
don't loose the dreams inside your head
they're only there until you're dead
dream

all fall down
it won't be so long now
out of the darkness comes light
like a flash
you think you can you think you can
sometimes that is the problem
dream, little darling, dream

spinning on the wind
the leaf fell from the limb
and everyday should be a good day to die

all fall down
it won't be so long now

i find it hard to explain how i got here
i think i can i think i can
but then again
i will falter
dream

i think i can i think i can

dream, little darling, dream

spinning on the wind
when we fell from the limb

ok...here's what i just wrote out.

i'm so torn between staying here to finish school and going back to washington. so fucking torn. some days i really feel like i'd be ok staying here. other days i really don't. whichever decision i make, i'm going to have to stick with it. i mean, that's logical. but it puts so much pressure on the decision, especially if i do decide to stay here.

school...
going back to the UA would definitely be the easier path. i'd just have to reapply. it's cheaper, and i know where i stand with credits and such. to transfer would involve a lot of non-laziness. i'd have to get my application together, figure out which of my credits would transfer, and really start over again in a lot of ways - IF i got accepted. the reasons i had to change schools were very very valid. UA is not an exceptional education. i was wanting something more than what i was getting...more guidance and advice. i wanted to go to a school that would help me figure out just what the hell i want to do with my life, because i know that i have it in me to do something amazing. i do have a lot of hostility towards the UA. it really pisses me off in so many ways. they're cutting programs, they've got hiring freezes and the construction on campus is out of control. it's being run into the ground along with the rest of this state.

socially...
washington and here would be totally different. but both good. i'd make friends there, but the relationships wouldn't have time to develop. as much as i need my alone time, i'm a very social creature. i like having people to go out with. i really like the huge network of friends i have here. when i was in tacoma, though, it worked too. i went out, yet i stayed home a lot too. mike and becky no longer live there. god knows i had a blast with mel and lisa, and i think part of whyit worked so well was because we lead our own lives. they're like family in a lot of ways. and mel and i had a ton of fun and i loved going to shows with him...that's definitely something i think i'll always miss. i really really do miss living there, because of all that i had access to...

financially...
well, i'm fucked there. completely. no matter what i do, i've got a ton of debt. i guess that means staying here would be more sensible for that reason. but...life is too short for me to even consider making that the #1 priority. i'll work with it.

i think the number one priority should probably be finishing school so that i'm not so restricted and i can move towards living my life the way i want to live it.

were i to stay in tucson, i could no way no how continue living at home. my mom really isn't that bad, but i need my own space so badly. i need to be able to come home and smoke a bowl and chill by myself if i want to. i miss buying a bottle of wine and spending the night talking on the phone playing catch up with friends. i really cant do that right now. i miss having free reign to decorate my entire living space the way i want to.

ugh. i don't know. would i be miserable staying here? there's definitely little periods of time where i think i would. but i'm not feeling that right now. i'd have to push aside all the things i miss about living elsewhere and suck it up to get through school. make the most of the education i'd be finishing here.

i guess maybe part of me is afraid that if i don't go back to seattle now, i won't have the chance to ever again. because i'm dealing with so many issues of being far apart from people i really would like to see more often...and it's really seriously changing how i see my life. but...maybe i need to not think about that right now. because i don't know what the rest of my life is gonna bring.

as of right now, i'd say im' gonna stay in tucson. but i don't know that i could actually say that out loud to anyone.

i'm really seriously thinking about staying here to finish school.

but i am so incredibly equally torn between two completely different paths i could take. i could struggle with this decision forever. people keep telling me to do whatever feels right...if it were that easy i'd have the decision made. it depends on which way the wind is blowing, or how bright the sun is shining. sometimes i want to scream i want out of tucson so badly. sometimes i'm indifferent. sometimes i really think it could work for another year and it'd make more sense.

then i think about how much i hate the UA and how annoyed the school makes me. and how awesome it'd be to go to this other school i've found in WA. but then i think how little i have left and how much i just want to be done with school. and then i think how i'd really like to graduate from a school that gives two shits about it's students and that would help place me in the real world and help me to figure out what i want to do. and then i remember that part of the reason i've done all the traveling and such in the past two years is because i've known that THAT was how i was gonna figure out what i want to do through figuring out who i am.

but i just don't know.

all i do know is that i was just looking through course descriptions, and i can't fucking wait to be back in school.

i just...gah. i can't make this decision.

the 23rd - 17th marks the first time i met all of my loves. well not all of them, but most of them. i flew to cincy to hang out with 30 freaks...and the rest is history.

and yes, i their formal title is "my loves." i was calling them "my friends" but then my friends in tucson started getting butt hurt about it, so i just call them my loves now. because it's true.

i remember ice and donnie being the first two that i met. i remember walking into uno's and seeing this huge group of people. i can remember exactly what mel was wearing, my first interaction with nate(drunken smile and a hug), jen wearing a purple sweater...what a great weekend that was.

here's to.

i wish there was some way to express the insane amounts of fun that have been had the past two nights. the stories being produced are just absolutley classic. i keep thinking about specific things and giggling out loud. and it's all gonna happen again tonight.

such good times.

ended up having a really really good time last night. met a lot of new random people, had some pretty interesting conversations, drank some free tequila...had a really good talk with jane in the bathroom, which probably pissed the people who were waiting off.

it's like jane said...while we may have different religious and political beliefs, our cores are very similar. and it's people like that who you're drawn to time and time again. for us, it's people who are very comfortable with themselves and who are out to live life and love life and make mistakes and learn and grow. and with the conversation, i came to realize that my core group of people is not a certain group who hang out together all the time. it's individuals from every sector of my life who i know i'll always stay in touch with. sometimes we'll experience life together, sometimes apart, but we'll always be able to catch up because we have understandings of who the other person is, and so when stories are told, they all make sense.

and that's what keeps it interesting for me, which is so important.

i'm so annoyed right now.

why?

don't really know. just am.

i really really wanted to go out tonight. i really wanted to get drunk. but i can't seem to find a group of people and a place that i both want any part of. and part of me wants to just stay home and get drunk or high...but i live with my mom. and that would just be weird. and i don't feel like going to the regular hang out, because let's face it - i'm bored with it. and now a certain friend is giving me shit about it and i'm just like...fuck off :) everyone knows that i'm just not gonna do something i don't want to do.

and now i have a feeling she's pissed off because i have just heard of a party and have decided to go there, and she doesn't want to go and has been waiting around for me.

this is all completely petty but i don't care. that's what you get for reading my blog.

i meant to post this a while ago, but hey. i'm just getting around to it. because, you know, i'm so busy and stuff.

All About Aquarius

Those of you born under the Sign of Aquarius are passionately interested in humanity. Even though you do sometimes act aloof about it, people are your hobby, your concern and your passion. Though you can be incredibly independent in both thought and
action, you depend upon interaction with others, thriving on intellectual contact and shared ideas. You like to know where the action is, and you put yourself in the center of it. Your strong personality often earns you the label of eccentric or quirky.

You may be distracted and often restless -- always looking over your shoulder as someone speaks to you, eyes darting to check out all that's going on around you(yeah, hello, really feeling this right now) -- but you really do make a top-notch friend. You understand friendship and appreciate the loyalty and sacred bond between truly close allies. You're especially attracted to eclectic people who don't worry too much about what others think of them, so you're probably at the heart of a broad, enriching group of friends. While you rally against convention and dislike stodgy, oppressive tradition, you can become pretty stubborn about your own opinions, even if they're quite liberal!(i was just talking to don last night about how hopelessly stubborn i can be...only about the stuff i really know to be true though) The inner Aquarian worries about identity; since you set yourself so apart, you may sometimes wonder if you're really a part of the community you so love.

Your original ideas, intense interest in the world around you and unconventional approach to life may set you apart from the crowd, but the breath of fresh air you provide is always refreshing and stimulating.

ok.

i'm suffering from seriously traumatic cramps. i've had some pretty bad bouts before, but this one just takes the cake. up all night...finally took some percoset around 5am because i didn't know what else today. and then the landscaper was here at 7 to keep me up. fell asleep around 8, which means i forgot about bonnaroo tickets. but that was ok because i've spent the past 4 hours or so trying to get through the fucking website and i'm pretty sure i now hate musictoday.com far far worse than ticketmaster. but i got tickets. so remind me to be happy about that tomorrow or something because right now i think i'm going to take more drugs and get back in bed and finish watching "almost famous" in an attempt to get this bad mood away from me.

i've noticed something...i tend to rotate which group of friends i hang out with regularly. for whatever reason. i think i've done it ever since i got out of highschool. since i've been back here, there have been specific reasons why i focused on my boys more than anyone else...but now i'm revolving back towards jane, shelly and kristy. but then again, i've talked to and hung out with don more in the past few weeks than in the past 2 years.

when i first came back here, i know i was really hurt by several people. the boys made me feel safe. we pretty much did the same thing all the time, and i didn't want to be around certain people toward whom i felt betrayed. i just didn't have the energy for it. and now...i'm really back in party mode. it's fun to have girls to go out with and bum around with.

plus, i've also decided that it's important to me to focus on really keeping in touch with all of my friends here. a few weeks ago i posted the question "is it possible to have too many friends?" and for a wink in time i thought maybe i did. but i've since realized that it's way too important to me to keep in touch with everyone, rather than narrow my focus.

ew. i don't like how this blog is going. some topics are just too complicated to try and write about briefly.


i just...i think i get bored. or, as with the boys right now, people wander into a group that i have no desire to be around. but whatever the case, it's strange. and i think it keeps certain people from really getting attached to me, and vice versa. which is sad...but...i can't help it! i decided a few years back anyway that i would focus more on individual relationships rather than group relationships for this exact reason...

i don't know. i'm just really fucking weird. damn my aquarius tendencies.

i had the best dream last night. you see, me and jack johnson were buddies. we went swimming together and stuff. and i had his phone number and he sent me notes, and his wife was totally cool with everything, and somehow the spider that's living on my back porch right now made it's way in there too.

anyway. it was a great dream. he can invade my subconcious whenever he wants.

look what i did! look what i did! look what i did! look what i did!

i have lots more to add, but it's a start.

hey.

i saw you.
with a ticket stub in your hand.

i saw you.
with a ticket stub
in your ha a aaand.

i saw you.
with a ticket stub in your hand.
i saw you

run through the light.
middle of the night.
couldn't get it wrong...

another peace march on saturday...this time in phoenix. no clue what the turn out was. the police department says one thing, the media reports another, the "legal observers" report another...it was a lot of people though. the march itself was a lot longer than last time. i think it was a mile, which really gave time to form a cohesive group. it's amazing to be walking through the streets of a metropolitan area, and everyone is chanting so loud that you can't hear yourself. it was also cool when we went around one block to start the walk back to the park, and looked down a street and saw the tail end of the march walking.

i'm really relieved to find that the turn out was bigger than anything since the vietnam war. and people are saying "well, war hasn't even started yet. why are you doing this?" pretty much because there's never been a situation where a country has been considering a preemptive war.

the numbers at US rallies were pretty stunning, but i don't think i was expecting the millions in europe and elsewhere.

so far, i've noticed that the best speakers at these events are from churches, such as the methodist church, which have come out in opposition. the speakers are powerful, stick to the point, and use the administrations own faith to proove their point. as far as the worst speakers? well, i'm pretty sure that anarchist groups are going to be causing lots of problems for peace movements all over the world. most of the arrests revolved around them. they spew a lot of hatred and their energy really messes up the whole vibe. i wish people would keep special interests away from these events, as it alienates more conservative participants.

anyway. yet another good experience. maybe it's giving us false hope. but i know that getting out and doing something makes me feel better about the situation.

and no, i didn't hand out dmb lyrics. ;)

it really frusterates and saddens me when friends are unhappy in their lives. i was just talking to this guy i know, and he's just so...melancholy almost. he's got a really good job, but he hates it. his dream is to go to film school, but instead he's working at a job that isn't even near that field. he talks a lot about how there's not much that matters in his life, and how he drinks all the time and he hates that. and it's all i can do not to just say "DO it! change it! life is too short to be unhappy!" but i can't...because i just don't think he'd take it the right way.

it's just frusterating. and look at me...i've done nothing for 7 months now. not to say i haven't gotten a lot out of this time, because i really truly have. a lot of thinking. a lot of changing. a lot of realizing what i want to do with my life. i've been blessed with time and a very valid excuse, if you will, to just indulge and listen to music and read and write and focus on relationships. but every once in a while i think damn, girl. it's passing you by.

that was a tangent.


sigh.
i don't know. i just wish i could make everyone happy.


was it you who spoke the words
that things would happen, but not to me
things are gonna happen naturally
oh, and taking your advice
i'm looking on the bright side
and balancing the whole thing

but often times those words get tangled up in lines
and the bright light turns to night
until the dawn it brings
a little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

because you and i both loved
what you and i spoke of
others only dream of the love
of the love that i love

you know what i really want?

i really want a website. not just a blog. a website. i used to have one. it was really cool. i was really proud of it. it had an online journal, a lot of my writings and poems, songs, pictures...it was great. but the thing is, now, i dont' really want to design one. i mean i do, but i don't want to relearn coding and all that shit. and i don't want to deal with pop-ups on sites like geocities and yahoo. i want someone to design it for me with me in mind, and i want to like the way it turns out and i want them to do it for free. and i really really want to be able to upload pictures to it, because i've got so many and i always wanna show them to people.

yeah.
that's what i want.

this speech is really really really really good.

watching the local news.

"coming up next: tucson teens talk candidly about oral sex parties. we'll tell you why teenagers think oral sex poses no risks."

heh.

ok. here's my question:

are girls attracted to guys who are players because they're players? or are guys players because lots of girls find them attractive?

WHY is bush talking about al qaeda and terrorism and an international manhunt in response to the weapons inspectors' report?

WHAT IS THE MOTHER FUCKING CORRELATION?

oh he's getting to it now.

the war on terror refers to iraq because saddam has weapons of mass destruction and he's used them. blah blah.

all these things he's saying...all i can think is "so do we! so do we! can we oust you too, please??"

i've finally realized what the effect of everything that's going on in the world right now is going to have on me - it's going to make me that much more passionate about life - except out of anger this time.

it pisses me off that i'm actually thinking about things like nuclear holocausts and mass deaths. i'm not scared, fuck that. i'm pissed off that there's so much beauty in the world, and someone could soon be fucking that up for me. yeah, it's totally selfish, but what the fuck? seriously. life is too good for people to be worrying about horrifying things that are completely unneeded if we'd all just figure out how fantastic life is.


ugh.


didnt mean for that to turn into a rant. i really just wanted to say how much i love life and how much i hope that all of my friends know that.

last night, this guy came to the hockey game. one of the highschool boys, but one that joined the navy 3 years ago. we see him about once a year, and it was just so good to be around him for 45 minutes. we're not close anymore, we never talk, but i have all these memories with him(well, he is actually the guy i lost my virginity too). and today, it really hit home to me: i wonder what it feels like to be saying goodbye to all of your friends. not that i'm saying he seemed the slightest bit focused on the war, but it has to hit home with him a little bit.

tonight i saw this guy who i've known since he was a freshman and i was a junior. i've watched this boy grow up(hey! it's a big enough age difference for that to happen!). and i hven't seen him in a good year and a half or so...he made me giggle so much. he's so damned cute. hell, he's attractive. and i'm so proud of what he's become...i've always known he had that ability to connect with all the really beautiful parts of life, and he totally has.

and then i listened to o.a.r. on the way home, and it's striking all the right chords.

and i'm so pissed off that i'm not going to phish this weekend. i mean...i'm hating it! especially since my brian has decided to go. one of my old roommates. which REALLY makes me wish i was going, because i'd have such a blast with him. and aden...

and i know that it was the right decision NOT to go. but it's killing me.

but i'm going to a protest in phoenix saturday morning. and i'm really excited about it. because that's the only thing i feel like i can do about all these horrible things going through my head, and through reality...and i have to do something.

i was thinking about doing something that might be really corny. it struck me to print out as many copies as i can of "pig" and just hand them out. no, it's not a poster, no, it's not even really political or anything like that. but i just can't help but think that if people actually were able to grasp and feel and digest how much there is to live for, they'd want to fight for peace and beauty...and LIFE.

and i guess that's what that song represents to me.

wow. where did all that come from? how many different directions did that just take?

i saw fireworks from the freeway
and behind closed eyes I cannot make them go away
cause you were born on the fourth of july, freedom ring
but something on the surface it stinks
i said something on the surface it kind of makes me nervous
who says that you deserve this
and what kind of god would serve this?
we will cure this dirty old disease

if you've got the poison i've got the remedy

the remedy is the experience.
this is a dangerous liaison
i say the comedy is that its serious.
which is a strange enough new play on words
i say the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
so shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end

i wont worry my life away

i heard two men talking on the radio
in a cross fire kind of new reality show
uncovering the ways to plan the next big attack
they were counting down the days to stab the brother in the be right back after this
the unavoidable kiss
where the minty fresh death breath is sure to outlast his catastrophy
dance with me
because if you've got the poison, I've got the remedy

the remedy is the experience
this is a dangerous liaison
i say the comedy is that its serious
which is a strange enough new play on words
i say the tragedy is how youre gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
so shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end

i wont worry my life away

when I fall in love I take my time
there's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
you can turn off the sun
but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why

because the remedy is the experience
this is a dangerous liaison
i say the comedy is that its serious
which is a strange enough new play on words
i say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
so shine the light on all of your friends
because it all amounts to nothing in the end

i wont worry my life away




god bless jason mraz. seriously.

i've been listening to him non stop for a week or so now, and while the entire cd is absolutley amazing, this song is just so perfect. go back. read it again. don't worry your life away. word.

Everyday


What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


first time i took it today i got sweet up and down.

they let me go! a job let me go! they would have FIRED me if i wasn't through a temp agency! and i can't say i didn't completely feel it coming. just wasn't a good fit at all.

that, and... yesterday, i was bombarded. completely. like 7 projects on top of training for what was drilled into my head as the worst job in the company that was pawned off on new people because no one wanted to do it. however, i got it *all* done. well, all except one thing. the director was having me copy these huge packets that contained the plans for the housing developments. there was one that i couldn't find, so i went and asked her where i could look for it. when i couldn't find it there, she said not to worry and that she'd track it down. so i put everything in the box she'd given me, and divided it up and all that stuff. this morning, she comes in and is like "i can't believe you didn't tell me you couldn't find those missing packets! that is completely irresponsible!" and i told her there was one missing, and started to say that i had told her about it, but decided to just suck it up, because it had already become clear to me in my 4 days working there that she was quite the bitch(2 of the 3 temps who i'd heard about who didn't come back the second day were hired by her - the other one was let go by her). i figured she was just covering her ass and no problems with me being the pawn, because new people are allowed to make mistakes.

i think i was wrong :)

i was telling lenelle just now that i really wish i would've spoken about how much i've been thinking about how i wasn't so sure about this job, because now it looks like i just have a bruised ego. but it's really quite a relief. i was gonna stick it out because i need the money, but i was already thinking about how i was gonna decline when the offer of permanent employment came up. and i was fine..untill i just realized that my seattle coffee mug is there...

oh AND the only thing i'm worried about is the temp agency. i gotta call them tomorrow to talk to them about it. especially coupled with the fact i turned down that other job, i just want to make a few things clear, because i'm a little worried about their thoughts on the matter. though, chances are that since the other 3 girls were placed by them as well, they have some what of a clue.

i'm going to type some of what i wrote in my journal the other day to take my mind off our cocksucking government who now officially is stating they have no plan for after the god damned war, they have no cost analysis and are advising their public to stock up on survival tools such as water, duct tape and plastic because it's not a matter of if there's going to be another terrorist attack, it's a matter of when.

oh my GOD i'm so fucking pissed off.

i really fucking love life. i mean, i wanna be the head of the "love life a little more" campaign. and i don't take kindly to anyone trying to make me change the way i live it or see things. they're perpetuating the fear they told us to avoid after 9/11. fuck covering your ass - just change your policy so this shit doesn't happen so much! fucking toolheaded dickless lima beans.

anyway.

i'm going to type parts of what i wrote about the party. yes.

23 has to have been my best birthday. it all really started friday night when megan and i went to sakura, but the party last night really just tops the list. it was so much fucking fun.

i made jugga...it was such a labor of love. one that i eventually gave up on and handed over to megan. once it was ready, i seriously just walked from one end of the house to the other, feeding it to absolutley anyone and everyone who would drink it (which was a majority of the people). we ended up going through 2 massive bottles of vodka, everclear jello shots, a bottle of seagram's, and "hop skip and go naked" which consists of everclear, vodka, soco, beer and lime-aid. so much weed. SO much fun. good god.

spreading the jugga love definitely allowed me to talk to a lot of people. once batch #1 was done, i got batch #2. i remember very vividly talking to this annoying girl i didn't know, basically explaining that i liked toget people i like drunk so that they have fun, get people i don't like drunk so they puke. i then pretty much said i wanted to make her puke. she then DRANK the jugga when i offered it to her with a smile, and twirled her hair and started giggling about how i was the coolest girl she'd ever met. i have a picture to commemorate the event.

after batch #2, i started feeding people fruit, specifically guys. there were a lot of them. and they tended to suck on my fingers, and it was quite nice.

i loved the episode outside with kim yelling "skank!" at this girl who no one knew or liked, while twirling and dancing around.

we got a bunch of people in the living room together to sing "dnacing nancies" because of the whole "23 and so tired of life" thing. i've been saying for the past month that in xx amount of days, "im gonna be 23 and so tired of life!" they all took note, and supported my song to the fullest. it's so amazing to me that there's all this music that a huge group of my friends now knows because i've pushed it on them so much, and they love it!

of course this lead to me, kim and megan dancing and singing our asses off all the way through nancies and warehouse. we were freaks. total freaks.

then there was the "poker" huddle. us 3, jane, bob, paul, aden, and maybe don huddled together through the whole damned song, shouting the lyrics and jumping up and down and dancing. it was the defining moment for me for that song - i'll always think of how awesome that was every time i hear it.

there was so much love going around.

[edit stuff here about boy who i felt connection with.]
[edit stuff here about another boy with a girlfriend]
[edit stuff here about boy i ended up making out with..though i'm not quite sure how it came about...]

let's see. jane slammed into greg's car with my car while she was moving it. that was fun. he doesn't know. lights got torn down, the floor was a gunky mess, random people were hooking up...it was just great.

the next morning we woke up after not enough sleep, still drunk, and COMPLETELY brain dead. more than i've ever experienced in my life. me, shelly, greg and jane piled in my car(which greg drove) to get burritos because we're completely suseptible to advertising from shows like the osbournes. they were good. the ride was scary.

we then smoked before we ate. sat in the garage tellign the best stupid jokes i've ever heard.

it was a great weekend. :)

but really, in all actuality, i just left all the good stuff out. sorry bout that!

best birthday ever, pretty much. had a fantastic weekend all around. i'll have to blog about it later, though because i really need to head back to work.

my mind is so far in the gutter right now, though. all i can think about is sex. i mean, more so than usual, which is quite frightening. so fucking distracted...

http://www.dmband.com/news/news_popup_iraq.asp

is it possible to have too many friends?

um.
hi.
i'm going to see dave and tim.
twice.

ow ow OW. my fingers burn i've been practicing guitar so much. forget calluses, i think i'm headed towards full out blisters on a few of them.

but anyway. i feel like i should write about the events of a year ago today, since i did that whole scpiel the other day, and since i'm trying to keep my mind off other things.

wow. i just choked on my own spit. how talented i am.

i just put on howie 2.5.02...so let the memories begin.

when mel and i left tacoma that day, we had no clue where we were going really. we knew the concert was going to be somewhere on campus in pullman. no venue information, no nothing. we drove the 5 hours, and parked at the visitor center, hoping they'd be able to help us. no one had heard of the event. drove to the middle of campus, and got out and started stopping at random places to ask people if they knew anything - no one did. while mel started going inside buildings to ask, i got on the phone with nate and asked him to post a few messages on a few different boards and mailing lists asking if anyone had any info. about 5 minutes later, he called back with a phone number for the guy who had planned the event.

so we called this guy, rob, and he kicked all kinds of ass. told us exactly where and when, so we went to grab a few drinks before showtime.

once we got to the venue, there were like 4 people waiting outside, and we could hear howie inside soundchecking. we somehow weasled our way in(mel's real good with the "oh, i have to find a place to set up my gear) after getting our "special" badges(mine is hanging on my wall right now, actually, with my poster from that first show i saw him).

this venue was incredible. there wasn't really a stage...just a little platform set up with about 7 rows of seats in front and on 2 sides. i just stood there watching him soundcheck while mel went and set up his gear. it was awesome just to see the technical aspects - them figuring out lighting, and then someone asking howie what kind of house music he wanted(he just laughed and said "i dunno...something dark and moody?")

we wanted to claim some seats while we were in there, before the crowd came in, so we chose some about 5 rows back, so we weren't entirely greedy.

went back out into the lobby, yadda yadda, met rob who was this incredibly friendly student, blah blah.

the show...was absolutley incredible. the most respectful crowd i've ever been a part of. it was about 100 people, most of whom were just there because a few people on campus had spread the word that howie was really good, so they had no clue what to expect. they were silent during the songs, and very hesitant in between. howie kept trying to kind of break the ice, but it was just ment with muffled giggles. it was a setting in which he was completely allowed to just do his thing and play his music completely without distraction or interuption. he told us he felt like he was on storytellers or something and tried to tell stories and "extract communication" and was just beyond cute. i got lost so many times, just sitting in my seat. the lighting made it so all you could see in the room was him, and i got absolutley painful shivers. for a full two hours, we watched him play to his heart's content. towards the end, the audience became a little more responsive to his banter and jokes. but i'll always remember when it was over...the way everyone walked out of the venue, still completely silent.

once we went back out into the lobby, people had started talking, and all of the conversations spoke of complete awe and shock that they'd never heard him before.

we just kinda hung out for a while while howie did the typical meet and greet thing. finally, he came over to us and thanked us for coming "because i invited you." it was a bit awkward, but it was nice to be able to tell him just how incredible the show had been. he asked us what we were doing(we had no plans...didn't even know if we were gonna drive back to seattle or not), and then said he'd be right back because he had to go to an interview for the student newspaper.

so then rob came back up, and we started talking with him and matt, howie's merch manager, and a few others. they said they were thinking about having a party at their house. so we gave rob mel's cell number and went to go get a few drinks.

i remember walking to the bar. it was freezing. there was more snow than i'd ever seen before everywhere, and everything was so quiet and untouched, and all i could do was giggle. it had been an absolutley amazing night. it was a high unlike any other. i can sense it right now, if i close my eyes and think about it...just this wonderment and sense of satisfaction. man, i'm attached to my music.

i'm so resistant to this type of thinking
oh, now it's shining through
i was alone for the last time
before my night's vacation with you
alive from the first
now i'm denied by the ghost of you

so we get to this bar, have a few beers, and try and talk about the show. suddenly, i saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and i look over and howie is standing outside, making faces at us through a window. rob comes in and tells us that since matt isn't 21, they can't come in, but they're getting a keg and going to his house. gives us directions, and they leave. we're like...uh....ok! so we finish our beers and head over.

the next...8 or 9 or 10 or however many hours it was are really just..jampacked with events. some of which i won't recount. some of which are too fun to miss.

the group of people gathered at this party were an absolute riot. like out of a movie or something. complete charicatures of "dazed and confused" characters or something.

i remember...
in the first few minutes, someone putting david gray "live at the pointe" on, and howie sitting next to me on the couch singing "sail away." god help me.
playing kings, and learning about everyone's sex lives.
going outside with mel, rob and howie to smoke a joint and making howie compliment my kick ass coconut paper joints. he took it to the extreme. brownie points.
a guy walking around with a frosty metal milk pitcher full of beer, filling up people's cups.
the boys playing pool and mel giving howie shit just like he does everyone else in the world. i told howie to just dish it right back.
someone put on listener supported, and i was standing by the pool table, with my eyes closed, singing along to jimi thing, when someone grabbed my arm. opened my eyes, and it was howie, and we started dancing and then he started doing air-carter. it was at this point that i realized he IS a big dmb fan. he listens to them like we do! with his entire body. yum.

i'm not so sure what i was dreaming
about but i'm sure it was better
than this and i'll hope you suppose
that i'm alright i'm sending you flowers

then there was the sing along of all sing alongs. 3 guitars, being played by howie, rob and some other guy. and all of us gathered around singing. pearl jam, brown-eyed girl, counting crows, u2, and many many others that are escaping me right now(but you can be sure whenever i hear them, i thikn of this.) i remember very vividly looking at rob's face as he played guitar facing one of his favorite musicians WITH one of his favorite musicians, and seeing this huge smile on his face as he sang his heart out...it was a powerful moment to see someone who i'd very quickly come to regard as Good People display everything he was feeling on his face. mel and i just kept looking at eachother, while singing, shaking our heads and laughing.

at one point, i was sitting across from howie and we were harmonizing and it was great...and then one of 2 girls who were there, who clearly had some...uh...motives...came and sat in between us so i couldn't see him anymore. at which point i just laughed and got up.

but anyway.

it was pure debauchery. around 1 or 2 i decided to stop drinking because i could tell mel wasn't going to, and one of us was going to have to drive our asses back in the morning so he could be at work by 3. the cops came at some point...probably 5am or so...and howie took off running down the street. shortly after, i passed out on the couch, though i remembere vaguely matt and one of rob's roommates trying to feed me corn dogs.

woke up around 8 and tried to get mel up but he wouldnt' budge. finally around 9 we made it out of the house, hurting quite a bit, to face the 5 hour drive. i was only gonna drive to the mountains, but mel was sleeping so i kept going. into a blizzard. i'd never driven in snow before, and i was white knuckled and freaked out when mel woke up and said "uh, why are you doing the winter storm driving?" got off at a not really that plowed exit and drove into a snow bank to stop the car so we could switch.

got home and went to bed for a good 12 hours.

it was so much fucking fun. the trip, the show, the hanging out..not just with howie, who i pleasantly discovered is just like any of the boys i hang out with, but with all these other people who cracked me the hell up.


every night is disco night
with you i'm living every moment for you
seeing things in a different way
oh my god i'm thankful that you're leaving


and the look on his face when we showed up at a show in gettysburg was absolutley priceless.

anyway. i'm sure my recounting of the event is over there in my archives, but i had to write it up again. because i don't think i really went into it back then...andi'm still censoring it a bit, but it's still a fun story. :)

just the beginning of many many many howie encounters...god. i've even been on the same fucking plane as the guy. luckily, he still talks to me, despite the stalker-ish behavior.

ah! just hit the part of the pullman show where mel yells out "lick my lips!"(name of a song) and you can hear several people in the audience go "what???"

yes. let's make enemies of the french and the german. that seems like the way to go. let's insult them and ridicule them. after all, if you're not with us you're against us. they must be terrorists. they must be working with saddam hussein. yes, yes, that's it! it's not IRAQ that's the problem! it's france and germany! glad we got that figured out.

=P

wrote this last week sometime...thursday or friday. it's long.



I’m having a hard time with this whole war thing. I am very highly against war, in any case. I don’t understand how peace can be achieved through war. I think hateful acts perpetrate hateful acts, and I think that in this day and age it’s not worth the risks because of the fact that warfare today would be so technologically advanced. I can’t stand the thought of thousands of innocent deaths – I can’t justify that in any way.

These are thoughts I wrote in my journal last night, when I couldn’t sleep because my mind was racing with all the information I took in yesterday. In addition, I started watching Tony Blair and Mr. Spanish President guy speak on CSPAN at 1:30MST.

--

We have to have international support. It is an absolute must, in whatever we do, to have international support. They were just talking on CSPAN about nation building and what a monstrous task it is. It requires a massive amount of time and money and manpower. EX: Bosnia, where we were planning on being for one year while a government was established. We’re now in our 7th year there, and the National Guard is in charge. The average tour of duty in Bosnia is 6 months. We now have the same thing going on in Afghanistan (which is a whole other issue I need to tackle later – why is no one talking about the war we’re already waging?). Right now these people are OK with being there for 6 months; away from their families and away from their employers. What happens when we have to extend that to a year? Or when they serve their 6 months and are then diverted to Iraq? Nation building is an extreme endeavor, and it’s a relief to see our senators and congressmen addressing this issue finally.

The mistreatment of people…
What Mandela said about the U.S. being the biggest perpetrator of atrocities in the world really hits home. It started when I saw Bowling for Columbine, as it has a very insightful montage on the massive casualties the U.S. has been the cause of, and of all the corruption we have single handedly put in place everywhere around the world. We are the only nation to have dropped not just one but two nuclear bombs. I just read an article in Time about the U.S. military’s use of uranium tipped bullets in Iraq that release toxic chemicals into the air when they hit any surface. These chemicals have finally made their way into the food chain and the results can be seen in the new generation of children. We are the “superpower” that arms counties to serve our purpose, and then backs out on them, leading to regimes like the ones in Afghanistan and Iraq. We, too, have used chemicals on our own people. Nuclear bombs were tested above ground, and while effects to these small near by communities are largely ignored, cancer rates have in fact gone up a frightening amount. We let companies get away with polluting rivers and entire water supplies in the name of not pissing off big business and their political interests. We fed radioactive chemicals to people in mental institutions to study their effects. We have no room to be on some moral pedestal here. Saddam is evil. A terrible, terrible tyrant. There’s no getting around this. But we have to look at all aspects of war, especially now. We cannot be hypocrites, we cannot be tyrannical and we must listen to the international community. Their support is the most important thing. We do not want to even chance spurring a third world war. We very well might not survive it.

As far as Iraqi links to Al Quaeda…
Give me a fucking break. Most of the hijackers were Saudis. I’m sure the scope of countries who have “something” to do with Al Quaeda is a fact we really don’t want to look into, because if that’s our justification for taking out Saddam, we’ve got quite a few regimes to overthrow and then rehabilitate. I’m sure it involves some of our own. Right now our actions and foolish bullying are probably driving Saddam more towards helping “terrorists” than anything else. If he’s gonna make a deal with someone, he’ll do it. Or he’s done it. Yeah, that’s scary. But let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that disarming Saddam will stop Al Quaeda. They’re a massive problem. But if we go into a war that is not supported fully by the world, they will have all the fodder they need to rally the masses against us.

People keep drawing all these parallels to Hitler and Nazi Germany. Some are character flaws both Hitler and Bush possess. Some are actual familial ties. It’s all rather frightening, and discouraging to see. What I’m thinking about right now, though, as I watch the Spanish president and Blair speak is how some pretty “important” countries backed Hitler as well. It’s a shame because I really like Tony Blair.

That said, I’ll take this moment to digress…Oh, Tony. How I love thee. What a wonderfully concise, articulate speaker you are. I love that man. I trust him. No rhetoric, no beating around the bush (HA!). He presents the case clearly and articulately and sticks with facts he has and is passionate and just…I TRUST what he says! He explains things. He doesn’t avoid and doesn’t get lost in threats and abstract phrases and rhetoric. He knows what he’s talking about, which is a quality our little leader is severely lacking. He even just addressed the issue of North Korea. Congratulations, Tony Blair. You’ve made me see your point, and it is an admirable one and I’m willing to back you up.

In reference to relations between Europe and the U.S. he just said we have to remember that what unites us is infinitely more important than what divides us. Hell yes.

Now, what about what Blair said made sense to me? He stuck with the actual, written-on-paper reason we may have to use force against Iraq: because that’s what the resolution which was unanimously passed by the UN said would have to be done should he not fully comply with inspections. The inspectors are not meant to be detectives, and Iraq knows exactly what they have to do to fully comply. We won’t use force because there might be links to Al Quaeda. Not because we have oil interests. Not because Saddam may or may not possess “Weapons of Mass Destruction”(a term which I might just go insane from hearing). Not because we have “clear evidence” or “startling proof” that is not being shared with the public at all that these weapons exist. Not because we want Saddam out of power (no matter how much this might be true). We can’t get lost in all these other issues that cloud and confuse people’s judgment. But we have to look into this because they aren’t complying. We need to be firm with Iraq, and set a precedent, otherwise all resolutions passed by the UN will be laughed at. We need to seek a peaceful resolution with a timeline agreed upon by everyone.

--

It angers me so much that the Bush administration went about things the way that they did. It angers me so much that they made the threat of a unilateral war so out there in the open without the support of other nations and without the support of their own country. I just watched Colin Powell speak, and I don’t understand why none of his speeches previous to this one have been as clear and have made as much sense. Instead of throwing out ambiguous threats and undocumented proof, he actually referred to resolution 1441 or whatever the hell it is. The U.S. completely overstepped its boundaries and acted like a high school bully. They should have remembered that these days, the high school bully is the one that gets massacred.

Bush should not be allowed to speak in public. He is a simple-minded idiot who is engaged in a very involved game of cowboys and Indians. I don’t doubt that he truly believes that he must oust the bad guy and that his cause is a righteous one. However, his brain cannot bend around the importance of foreign policy. He is an ignorant, ill informed, idiot who is too easily encouraged by parties that with to influence him for their own means. He is worse than my worst nightmares of what would become of the world should he be elected. I think the Democratic Party should be thrown out for being such a weak, worthless excuse for a political party. Shame on us for not voting to stop this insanity and shame on our leaders for crumbling behind the fingers pointing, telling them they are unpatriotic. This could have all fallen into place much differently.

Shame on my generation for being so indifferent and so pathetically uninvolved. And shame on those in my generation who were taught to rally around their leader and that to do differently is unpatriotic.

The desire for peace should not have to be defended. We shouldn’t have to search for proof that we need peace. War should be the last way out. It is the most horrifying and wrong thing humans can do to one another. You shouldn’t have to defend yourself for wanting to keep peace a priority. We live in such an ignorant country where somehow people are able to overlook the costs of war, until it affects their pocketbook (which it will, I guarantee. We’ve already spent billions of dollars getting troops over to the Middle East, and for each month their kept there, another billion dollars is spent. Ad that to Genius’ tax-cut plan, and we’re gonna be hurting for a long, long time). Massive amounts of people die. I keep hearing people say that American casualties will be kept low. How arrogant and selfish can we get? The people dying over there are every bit as innocent. They want no part of a war. UN estimates place Iraqi casualties at half a million. That is a lot of death. It gives me chills just thinking about it. These are people who have not done anything to us or to anyone else and who have seen nothing but suffering in their lifetime. The effects of these wars we perpetrate last for decades and decades. And we also overlook what battle does to our own soldiers. I was reading an article in Newsweek yesterday that was talking about how most soldiers with battle fatigue and post traumatic stress disorder are ready to go back into the field after 3 or 4 days of rest. “Only” 15% are completely “broken.” That’s a pretty big number if you ask me. Not to mention the fact that many return home only to beat their wives and have other emotional problems. When we’re advertising “hey! Joining the army is a fantastic way to get a career and go to school!” we’re completely overlooking the fact that war causes serious mental problems in its participants. We’re not preparing these kids for reality. We should have hardcore proof and support before we throw them into battle. I don’t care how “prepared” they are. 15% of soldiers piss their pants when faced with the enemy. Nothing can prepare you for slaughtering other human beings.

Hate perpetrates hate. In life, you pay for the things you do. I have to be convinced that war is the only way out. Because by supporting it, I’m helping to perpetrate that hate. And who wants that on their head?

oh my GOD i got a job.

Grover on Ecstasy



You're funny, you're loveable, you're entertaining,
you like to call yourself "Super
Grover!"--You're obviously on ecstasy.
But that's why we love you. Be careful, ok?


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i bookmarked this site a long time ago. but tonight i went through and started reading. it fascinates the hell out of me, but i have to recommend that if you're gonna visit, you spend some time.

read the story section at the very least.

good quiz here. i'm a left-liberal.

sorry, gwen. kate hudson has just stepped into the role of "coolest female alive" in my eyes. yeah, i just watched "diary" on mtv. i think i have a crush on her now. can i be her? jeeze. here's to enjoying life.

well, and being friends with matthew mcconnahey too.

i can never spell that god forsaken name.

wow.

a year ago today...

mel and i drove to portland for a howie and o.a.r. show. we were supposed to see howie opening for them the night before in seattle, but, alas, he did not show for whatever reason. so this portland show was to be my first howie experience, and i was a bit anxious.

we got to the venue and walked upstairs to find a small group of people in front of the stage while howie was soundchecking. this slow smile crept across my face...he was right there. i remember after he finished whatever song he was playing, he said something to the audience, and i responded without thinking, and he laughed and said something back.

so then he left, and mel went and set up the taping gear and a little bit later the show started. he played 2 of the three songs i wanted to hear, disco and bunnies...he wasn't originally going to play bunnies, but had enough time to add it in. i just remember being in awe, actually seeing this guy who's music i'd adored for so long. and then the short 6 song set was over, and i was dying for more. completely unsatisfied. but still giddy.

when o.a.r. came on(we'd had a blast with them the night before, so i was excited to see them again), we noticed that howie went back to the merchandise window, so we headed over to have a little chat and, um, "buy some stickers." mel dissapeared for some reason...had to go get something out of his bag or something, leaving me to approach howie on my own. i really just couldn't do it. i walked over, and then turned around and started watching the band again. he then left the venue with some girl. mel came back and almost killed me.

so we headed back up to the balcony to check on the taping gear. grabbed a wonderful seattle kind joint with coconut papers(oh, how i miss that aspect of the northwest) and moved to a different part of the balcony to smoke it. backtracking...when we had come into the venue, i was searched more than i've ever been searched anywhere. every single compartment of my purse, all of my pockets, fully pat-down...never had that happen, let alone at this venue. portland is pretty liberal when it comes to this kind of stuff. so anyway...we start smoking and realize just how dank this weed is. the stench is not going anywhere, rather it was lingering over the entire balcony. about the time when i noticed a bunch of security coming upstairs, mel put the joint out and said "hey, why don't we, uh...go downstairs now." so we non-chalantly got up and walked past security and down the stairs.

we stood at the back of the crowd, stoned off our ASSES. i was feeling a little paranoid because of what had happened upstairs, but i figured it was the weed and decided not to mention it to mel. i wanted to get away from him for just a little bit(you know, in case he was being hunted by the feds or something) so i went to the bathroom. the lights were bright. my eyes were more than red, and i could hardly keep my balance i was so stoned. when i came back out, i decided the best thing to do would be to just dance and have fun and make any prospective cops think "hey, she looks harmless. she's having fun. and clearly not smoking any weed." couldn't find mel for a while, but when i looked up at the balcony i noticed security standing around his taping gear, talking to the people who were sitting there.

anyway.

at this point, the magic that is o.a.r. started seeping into my bones and has been there ever since. the show was amazing. they got EVERYONE in this venue dancing their asses off. completely commanded the attention of the entire place. mel showed up a little while later, and we gave eachother our "wow, they're fucking good" looks, and i just kept my paranoia in the back of my mind.

we went back up the balcony a while later, and sat and watched whatever the hell was going on on stage for a while. we were in complete awe of this band, convinced that we were witnessing what is bound to be the next dmb-type phenomenon in the process. i'm still quite convinced of that. they blew my mind. marc, the lead singer, has this incredible charisma that is so hard to find...and the band was just tight. in ways that at that point in time(pre 2002 tour) dmb was not at all tight.

so anyway.

show ends, security comes up and asks mel if that was his bag. he said yes, and they proceeded to look through his taping stuff. i was still thinking maybe i'd been a little paranoid but it gave me some validation.

we went downstairs to chit chat with the guys from o.a.r., but upon getting down there discovered that howie was down there too. we went and stood near him while a bunch of giggling girls had their pictures taken with him. and then...there it was...the first moment that i met howie. he came over, and at first was a little stand-offish, as i've since learned he can be, as he's rather uncomfortable meeting new people. but then we started chatting and he warmed up right away. a few more girls came over, more giggles, more pictures. and then we heard him talking about a last minute show he was going to be doing in pullman, washington, which is about 5 hours from seattle.

now. this news hit like a bullet. all we'd wanted was a full length all howie show. not this 6 song opener shit. so mel instantly starts asking him questions. and before i know it, we're on the guest list to this invite only show in a 100 person all seated venue. so howie says he's gotta go, but he'll see us the day after tomorrow, and mel and i proceed to leave the venue. we were fighting the laughter with all we had until we were out of earshot of howie, and burst out of the venue laughing and saying "what the hell just happened??!?!"

i wasnt gonna bring up the whole weed-scare thing because i figured mel would make fun of me for being paranoid. but when we got in the car and sat there for a while, processing the events of the night, he brought it up. he'd been spooked by the security people who came upstairs, so when we got downstairs and i went to the bathroom, he went as well. he shoved his sack with a small amount of weed and another joint up into a toilet paper dispenser.

later on, he'd gone back to the bathroom to get it, and discovered that the dispenser had been ripped off of the wall.

i still thank the gods for letting us not get caught. i wouldn't have discovered my now-favorite non-dmb band, and i wouldnt have met howie.

stay tuned for the story of my first full length howie show and the debauchery that occurred afterwards. ;)

wow.

*gigglegigglegiggle*

stefan's on my birthday month. hehe. he's cute. *giggle*

i miss seattle. a lot a lot a really really lot.

i had a blast last night. lots of reminiscing with the people who i spent a really fun 2 years of my life with. we were trying to piece things together...too many drugs in that period.

my friend just bought an awesome house. i really want to live there. i'm thinking i might need to poison his roommate or something.

i really miss seattle.

the explosion of the columbia is really really awful and frightening.

honesty is a good thing.

dave and tim is a better thing.

i still need sex.

and i still miss seattle.

the end.