i cannot remember the last time i was this generally euphorically happy. i am so in love with everything right now that it's almost overwhelming. i have so much inside of me right now bubbling up and spilling over everywhere. and it's so complex and simple at the same time. i guess it's been building for a while, but then friday night i tripped with a bunch of the boys and my brain seriously just opened up and i had all these realizations and understand so many things on such a different level now. incredible.

and i should write about all this. but it's just too much. so instead, i have this burning need to talk about it and i just don't know that that's going to happen.

but i hope so. i really hope so.

i love spring time.


last night was century club and it was more fun than any of us have had in a long time(and we're a crew that tends to have a lot of fun). it was the most cracked out, hyper drunk i think i've ever been. that sexual energy is fueling me like you wouldn't believe.

oh and?
i love maroon 5. ADORE the cd. it is doing a fantastic job of being my life music at the moment and i can't get enough.


where you are seems to be
as far as an eternity
outstretched arms open hearts
and if it never ends then when do we start?
i'll never leave you behind
or treat you unkind
i know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that i ever did receive

pushing forward and arching back
bring me closer to heart attack
say goodbye and just fly away
when you come back
i have some things to say

how does it feel to know you never have to be alone
when you get home
there must be someplace here that only you and i could go
so i can show you how i
dream away everyday
try so hard to disregard
the rhythm of the rain that drops
and coincides with the beating of my heart

i'll never leave you behind
or treat you unkind
i know you understand
and with a tear in my eye
give me the sweetest goodbye
that I ever did receive

pushing forward and arching back
bring me closer to heart attack
say goodbye and just fly away
when you comeback
i have some things to say

how does it feel to know you never have to be alone
when you get home
there must be someplace here that only you and i could go
so i can show you how i feel

i'm at that point where you haven't been stoned in a relative while and then you are and all the thoughts come flooding out of your previously semi-dormant brain at 1000 miles an hour and you just want to write them all down cuz they're all good thoughts(!) but you just can't stay with one long enough before the next epiphany comes on...


and writing sentences that long doesn't help.


there's just so much building right now and going on and it's immensely impossible to keep up with it all AND have time to sit and reflect...getting around to writing about it is just a big joke. so sad.

bob's back tonight. he moved to colorado a few months ago. so good to see him. and i talked to nate today. and century club is this weekend. and i'm moving really soon. and my job just consumes so much of my life, and it's such a love hate relationship. but i do adore 2 of the girls i work with. and shellie's coming to a crossroads in her life. and things with that guy who won't go away are just so complexly entertaining and interesting. and my heart is so full of so much love for so many people. and i'm actually moving away from tucson...and not coming back in the forseeable future. whoosh. that's very strange. and there's a baby coming. and there's a tour coming. and the world is getting more and more deranged all around us. and 2 of the other people i work with seriously make me claw the walls in the back of the store. LORD.

life's just at one of those stages where it's coming full force in huge gasping spoonfulls.

i do love it. but mother fucker, is it tiring.

ummmm

howie was fucking great. we're back together.
it deserves way more than that but alas i cannot give it right now.
i CRACKED my ankle good this morning. woke up at like 6 to drive home, walked out to my car, fell, rolled down a hill a bit, scraped my knee and elbow.

it was super.

and i'm in a great mood still!

i won tickets to a private radio show with howie today. it's wednesday. i guess that means we're getting back together.

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you,
you have a long history of rising above adversity.  Recent adversity has led to questions
about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage to attract a
number of tourists and admirers.  And despite any setbacks, you can really cook a good
meal whenever it's called for.  Good enough to make people cry.
face="Times New Roman">Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

since i have some time while i'm waiting for jane to get off work...

john mayer kicked ass. yes, i'll say it loud and proud.

now...i'd decided back when tickets went on sale that there was no way in hell i was going. i didn't want to. and then...i heard "clarity" and my brain went "WHAT THE FUCK! YOU LOVE HIM! FACE IT, you IDIOT!" and thus began the mad search to win tickets from one of the four radio stations heavily promoting the concert.

you see, this concert was like The Big Thing in my struggling mid-sized city. i mean, it was major. "john mayer's coming! ah! bring on the screaming mobs!" and i am happy to say i proudly bough into that mentality. how could i not? my entire john mayer life was spinning before my eyes on a nearly constant basis. as the date drew nearer, my methods became more drastic. i started calling radio stations. finally, i faxed a letter i wrote to the station i thought would understand my plea(a letter which i swore to myself would only be read to others if it got me tickets. it did not).

the day of the concert came, and i was still determined. after being caller 3, 4, 72, 84, 101... i knew winning tickets was a lost cause.

and then jane called. apparently her current...um...fuck buddy...is friends with a security guy at the arena. and he could get us in.

so we didn't know what to expect at all. we got to the arena and met up with F.B., and waited. suddenly, this guy walks up and tells us to follow him and walk fast. we're going at a near running pace, around the side of the arena when he tells us to keep close and move fast, at which point he jumps over a table, so do we, and then runs to a door, looks around and tells us to get lost inside. in fact i think he said "ok, lose yourselves. it's sold out. good luck finding a seat."

at this point, we realized it was 2 hours before show time, there were no ATM's inside, and the bracelet booths were outside.

i also realized that i was paying my karmic debt for denying mr. mayer by having to resort to desperate means to see him live.

in any case.

the concert kicked ass, as i said previously. maroon 5 rocks my world. and then johnny...wow. it was pretty cool to have those house lights go down and hear the roar of that crowd. i think he said it best - the crowd was straight out of a movie. it was huge. and everyone was so happy, and the energy was out of control. my boy(yes, i'm officially referring to him as that again. we're back together.) has progressed. AND he's kept his stage banter in tact which is way more exciting than i could ever say. seriously. he puts on a great show. and i giggled and laughed and maybe even squealed a little. except when wonderland came on and every girl jumped up and down and hugged eachother. then i just snickered.

after all, he sang that to me and jane at our table in mac daddy's just 3 years ago.

;)

ok, yeah lots to say. but of course i'm gonna skip it all and just go to what i want to write about NOW.

i'm talking to my lovely future seattle roommate today, while wandering through target shopping for stuff for the store. she begins to tell me about a phone call she got the other night. this guy who she recently kinda started talking to called her the other day to tell her he was worried about her. why is he worried? because of who she's moving in with in seattle. yeah, that'd be me. why do i worry him? he just gets a really bad vibe from me, and his vibes are usually right, and i seem really unmotivated and like i would just be a bad influence.

megs of course started laughing, thinking that he was joking. but oh, no no. he was not.

now...i find this a bit intriguing. for several reasons. first, the guy doesn't know me. he was around at shoreline and the gorge apparently, but i don't even remember him. which brings me to my second reason. maybe that's why he gets the "bad vibe?" i tend to not really talk to people when i'm surrounded by the fam. i'm so intent on getting everything i can out of every second with them that sure, i can perhaps understand being called bitchy or maybe quiet or snobby or exclusive or whatever. however...unmotivated? that's an interesting one. as i said to megs "was it because i didn't play kickball?"

heh.

then i start to wonder who's feeding into this guy's interpretation of me. god knows there's a sect of dmb-ites who have a strong dislike for me. but i don't actually think he's tied to any of them.


in any case, it was definitely a trip for both her and i to discuss. we were just like...what the fuck? so interesting how people make judgements. and then i think back to the two weekends he was apparently around. i was so off in my own little world. ridiculously. i had so much going on in my life and in my brain, and i remember thinking, particularly at the gorge, that i was more distant than usual. not in a bad way at all, i just did a lot of observing that weekend. i didn't drink much(save for bachelorette night) and i was just completely caught up in taking in the beauty of my life at that point in time. completely. how that translates into bad vibes and unmotivation is a bit beyond me, but whatever. i do know that i have since spoken to several people who were apparently at our camp fire one night or the other who i just don't remember at all. and it wasn't because of alcohol, it was because i flat out just was not paying attention.

i don't see myself as an unmotivated person at all. granted, i probably see myself as more unmotivated than several of my friends do. wait...and i guess more motivated than a handful of others. but for the most part, that word does not describe me at all. when i see something i want, i do whatever the hell i can to get it. when i decide i want something, you can bet your ass i'll follow through until i've seen it happen. i've got bigger dreams and goals than i ever thought possible, and i know for a fact that i will realize each and every one of them. and they're not ordinary and they're not simple. that's something i mostly keep to myself, but the journey i've taken to be able to set goals out in front of me and realize what i want out of life has maybe been a slow one, but it's been action packed and full of life and energy and it definitely hasn't suffered due to lack of motivation.

i think i can definitely rub people the wrong way. but it's not something i do intentionally. if i don't click with someone, i'm indifferent to them, which isn't always accepted well. if i don't have the energy to talk to new people, i just don't. then again, sometimes i'm the most outgoing socialite in a 30 mile radius. it all just depends on the vibes i'm getting. either way, indifference can most definitely be read as something more emotional than it is.

ah, the dmb community. so glad i've distanced myself. don't get me wrong, i love it to pieces. i don't know what my life would be without the interactions i've had within it, and i'm not shutting myself off from meeting new people. but it can be such a strange world. hearing such a strong opinion coming from someone who i do not even know(whoa...deja vu...) just boggles my mind. and it's a great reminder to me that i need to not make judgements myself. i'm not worried about his opinion, but it definitely intrigues me. people apparently get such starkly different impressions of me...but it's all good in da hood. i'll just keep smilin' and dancin' and letting them assume away. :)