i looked up abortion on a dream dictionary site:
To dream that you have an abortion, suggests that you are hindering and blocking your own growth. You may be hesitant in pursuing a new direction in your life. The dream may also be a reflection of your own real-life abortion. And thus serve as a way of healing from the trauma and working towards self-acceptance.

This dream may also be a message for you to take care and look after your health.


interesting, no? i'm going to go with option #1, since option #2 isn't an option and option #3....well, i'm sure that's true too!
:)

quick! catch up!

november last friday:
no more food. ever.


yesterday was what is fast becoming in my mind The Best Thanksgiving Ever. seriously. all i really want to do right now is smile and talk about what a kick ass gathering of people that was and how much i adore everyone in attendance.

the food was amazing as well. no, really, you have no idea. i am so impressed. and, quite frankly, a little disgusted that i woke up hungry this morning. so yes, my sub line up there is a big fat lie.

oh, man. there was just such an abundance of laughter. it was quite a beautiful thing.

today will see some tourist activities(i've got some out of towners around for the weekend). probably more drunkenness at some point as well. and i think we'll make dinner at home. cozy.

yes. very, very good holiday.



november 28
if life was made of moments.


i'm getting a head start on one of 3 papers due next week. go me.
i don't think i would like it if anything close to the situation in "war of the worlds" came to fruition.
i forgot to get peppermint schnapps. now, if it snows, i'll have to drink plain hot chocolate. hm.
i really love caprise salads.
i was awake until about 7:30 this morning. just not tired at all.
i really do have the best bed ever.
it's hard to get motivated to go walk around the lake when it's so fucking cold.
i need more kissing in my life. a little lip numbness goes such a long way.
i already wanna dye my hair again.
i can't wait to go to tucson.
i can't wait to miss seattle and all it's shiney people.
i'm kinda hoping something pops up for NYE, seeing as no one will commit to my cabin idea. bastards.
i am broke.
this book i'm reading for class tomorrow is fucking insane.

november 29
oh, my brain.


dreams last night were fucking insane. i typically wake up fairly easily, 2 minutes or so before my alarm goes off. i had such a hard time this morning though. took me 40 minuets or so to snap out of the daze(and now i'm hyper as hell!)...

so the beginnings of the dream saw night time, 2 friends, and tentative dinner plans. then it switched to daytime and i was back in high school. apparently i had to retake some classes. something performance related and some science class. there was some pressure, only becauseof strict attendence policies conflicting with how much i did not want to be there(direct parallel to how much i was hoping it'd snow a ton last night so my stupid work would close - not a realistic hope at all, i know.).

so THEN, i was at this mall in arizona, right near the catalina mountains where i grew up. it was open-air and quite beautiful. i was with my mom, brother and sister. my mom was escorting me somewhere. next thing i knew, i was dazed and realizing i had just had an abortion. i hadn't even known i was pregnant, though apparently i'd set the whole thing up. i was wandering the mall, feeling heavily drugged. i asked my mom what i was on, and she said they hadn't given me anything. but i felt like i was on heavy narcotics. there was some kind of tension between my mom and sister that wasn't being dealt with. i decided it'd be best if i made my way out to the car.

i came to a concrete road thing. actually, it was that stuff i guess we call pool decking or something - the pourus concrete stuff that goes around pools. i stepped onto it, and realized my feet were bare and that once i got to the asphault where my mom's car was, i'd have to run because it'd be too hot.

so i started walking and realized how starkly blue the sky was next to the minty green and yellow that characterize the desert in spring. i thought it was strange that i had no feelings associated with the abortion, but chalked it up to the drugged out feeling, determining they must've used really strong anasthesia on me.

there was a golf cart a ways down the "road." i pulled out a gun and started shooting at it, and 2 streams of water towards the top on the side started pouring out. i realized it must be fuel, though i was confused because of the lacement and it didn't seem realistic. i had no idea why i had a gun or was shooting at the cart, but it was such a beautiful day...

so i definitely had a melt down of sorts saturday night. it was pretty fucking horrible and freaked me out. really, really bad. i think i'm ok now...i...hope i'm figuring out whatever the hell that was.

yeah, it was bad.

my point, however, is that i called lisa yesterday morning and met up with her and melia after i got off work yesterday. what a wonderful decision on my part. being with that little baby girl was entirely what i needed. she is just precious. oh man. we were at the mall, and we went into a book store, and she just started grinning like nothing else. genuine excitement. it was a good, good time.

from the myspace blog...

i'm a blogging fool, i know. what can i say - i'm procrastinating pretty hard core. i'm currently organizing all of my live shows. something i haven't done since before july 2, 2002. just to put things in perspective, i started trading live shows(mainly DMB, but lots of other stuff as well - check out the site at db.etree.org/adnamadmb) in fall of 2000. by the time i stopped updating my list at etree, i had 500 something hours of DMB. now, i definitely slowed down on trading in the past 2 years - i think i have 1 show from the 2004 tour, and only redrocks from this year - but i think it ended up being 5 full spindles of cd's, plus random floppy sleeves.
1. it's quite the undertaking!

ANYWAY. i was just talking to my lovely friend lenelle, and she reminded me of something i'd wanted to share. apparently, the next dmb single will be a song called "everybody wake up." when i found this out, i was fucking stoked. they've always been a fairly liberal band, but have strayed away from full out dissidence with our government until the past year or so. this song is a biting jab at our administration and the world. and while some of the lyrics are painfully simple and somewhat corny, it is quite the statement. and the jam when they play it live rules too. but that's besides the point.

my favorite part goes:

and now our finest hour arrives
see the pig dressed in his finest fine
and all the believers stand behind him and smile
as the day lights up in fire

on the album, that song is followed by another, far more downbeat song called "out of my hands," which is quite haunting, and very sparsely arranged. i think dave, stefan and carter actually recorded it by themselves, away from the studio. it speaks of insanity and betrayal, and the longing for the impossibility of walking away from all the madness. it also repeats the above stanza, finishing it with "it's out of my hands for now..."

hmmm. speaking of that line, i definitely used it in a sick call to work at one point in time. and then cracked up.

anyway. i'm very proud of my boys. fuck that need not to offend anyone. republican dmb fans are kind of an oxymoronic occurence, anyway.

i was just watching the ABC nightly news, and they had this story on motherhood making women smarter. these “surprising results” to recent tests on rats show that women’s brains actually expand during motherhood.

now, um, I’m not a science person. but, uh, doesn’t this seem kind of intuitive? how are these shocking results? your brain expands during all new experiences, and not only is motherhood the apex of this because it is so unique, but you’re caring for another person. of COURSE your brain will expand.

in any case, my favorite part was when they were discussing the rats. apparently mamma rats performed extremely well on tests put before them that had to do with memory recall and gathering. the VIRGIN rats, however...not so well. therefore, motherhood makes you able to gather shit and virginity keeps you stupid.

i almost died laughing.

I’m glad that my kind, you know - the kind who just has sex for fun, and not for reproductive purposes - was not included in the brain expansion study.

oh, and there was also the pat robertson shit. dover, PA better not call on god if they ever need him, because they have just voted him out. if a tragedy strikes their community, they’d best be calling on charles darwin, because god apparently no longer hears them.

YEAH!

From Shayna...

Total Volume of Music on My Computer: no idea. not that much. but enough :)

Last CD I bought was: O.A.R. : stories of a stranger

5 songs you listen to a lot, or mean a lot to you:

1. american baby intro: from red rocks night 4. it's been playing in my car for about 2 weeks now, and i can't switch it away. the emotion expressed is absolutely unprecedented.

2. doin' the cockroach: modest mouse. gets me going.

3. you never know: dmb - the song IS my life. lyrically, musically, everything. it's a perfect fit.

4. let down: radiohead. pulls at all the right heart strings and makes my face crumple up in emotion.

5. rapunzel: dmb. makes me groove.

mario! 

happy halloween!