ok, as i said below, i'm typing up journal entries from years past.

yes, i'm bored. deal.

Sunday, Oct 5, 1997

i cannto(<--yeah, "cannto") believe i haven't written in here about this.

I TALKED TO JARED LETO FOR 50 MINUTES. I TALKED/COMVERSED/SHARED with JARED LETO.

so fuck me gently with a chainsaw, ok?

yes, i have the transcript printed out and saved.

it just rocked and made my life. all because i stayed home from school because i didn't feel like going.

so me and jared...

awe jeeze. more about that at a later date. yes, it was and is a monumental thing, but i've told so many people about it.

last night, meg came over here and we had 2 mickey's. meghan drunk is the funniest thing ever. john showed up. my purity level plummeted. meghan kept having to go pee, and the first time, john and i just kissed. once we moved to the bedroom(the 3 of us) things changed.

*edit edit edit* (i'm not going to make this a totally pornographic rendition of my teenage years)

the lights got turned off as the 3 of us layed there playing truth/dare/talking. meghan went to the bathroom so many times and john got so many quick hand jobs. the bathroom door opened and my hand would come flying out and he'd zip his pants back up. we kissed several times. and at one point, i was just trailing my hand beneath the elastic of his boxers. meghan was rambling with her back to us, so i went for it and started giving him another hand job right there. meghan was saying "john, why are your muscles spassming so much? stop twitching john." and i was laughing my ass off.

the two of us ended up in the jacuzzi and...well, i fucking went down on john. too funny. we actually talked about it afterwards too.

i'm tired.



Sunday, Sept 13, 1999
I'm at home and so incredibly tired, but i should really write. u oh. don't think that's gonna work.
i need an appartment.
no nick.
no patfick - who just BAH. unloaded everything on me. i was a total bitch and unresponsive. very not me, but what else can i do? i don't even know the guy, and i feel no connection.

later...

i'm so distracted with thoughts of friday night. little things that were said. remembering little touches, little physical things...i can't believe we sat there totally naked afterwards, facing eachother and talking. the grass was making him itch. i'd scratch his lefs.

we are such freaks!
i wonder...aw jeeze. i have the urge to tell colin but i really shouldn't.

october 10, 2000
i really wish i knew and understood what the hell is wrong with me and why i'm sobbing like i haven't in a really long time. and for once i really truly feel like breaking something.

i just want to leave. i really don't want to be here. it's my cheap ass way of getting out of things, but that's how i do it. i don't want to confrom the issues i'm having. i'm so fucking sick of being so severely hurt and confused and out and out heartsick over things that might easily be fixable.

I WANT A REAL FUCKING REASON TO FEEL LIKE THIS

i don't want to be close to anyone anymore. hasnt really gotten me anywhere this far in life. i see no need for it. i want to go live by myself, get through school, , and then move the fuck away from all this bullshit.

i don't trust anyone. no one even has a clue what goes on in my head - on a regular day let alone a day when i'm so fucking overcome that i can't even drive my ass to school. and i guess that's my fault. i allow myself to be this person who everyone loves to be around but is so easily replaceeable and forget. i don't ask shit from anyone. i guess that could be where the trouble is???

i don't want this to get bad again. i know that i have control over the situations in my life that are fucking me, but i'm so sick of taking control and getting "rid" of people in my life who have stopped...something.

and i can't find colin's #.

i don't know if i can deal with john being back. i had forgotten all the shit i already went through over our friendship. and i love him more than i can even express, but something in it just kills me. i don't even know that he'll be around one month from now(editor's note: he was not, in fact, around one month from this writing. the exact day that this whole breakdown happened(and it did end up being a complete breakdown) was the end of our friendship.)

i have never seen the world revolve so much around one person in all of my fucking life. i wish to hell that i could just disassociate myself.

this is all such bullshit. i don't even know what i'm writing about.

but at least i'm starting to feel numb again. i think a little more crying should solve my problems. though i don't understand what my problem is.

try something new.

reasons why my friendship with john mindfucks me every time:
here one minute, gone the next
doesn't give two shits bout me
he's one of my favorite people
drugs
doubt
i don't trust him - not to say he'll go blab my secrets, he just can't give me what i need in a friend
everyone fights for his attention - something i refuse to do
i know that by not fighting for his attention(aka - going to school, work, then doing homework) i give up my spot in his life.
his "crush" on rachel is going to cause a major wedge in the group
did i mention that rachel had a problem with me and jack's relationship? ha. yeah. nough said.

biggest reasonL i don't know. the mindfuck just happens and i can't help it. my thoughts don't make sense, i want to bash my head in and just start the fuck over again. somewhere else.

i can't wait for the day when there's someone who will drop everything at the sound of my tears. as hard as i push and as much as i fight it. because being alone is the worst feeling ever felt. a concept that should never have been created.

and no, ,i get to go on with my life as if all of this never happened.