so, i just heard part of the phoenix bush show. and apart from the shreiking girls...FUCK ME.

forget the clip of dave from a bat mitzvah.

yes, that is all for now.

hardcore dork reporting to you live from her bedroom.

so i'm putzing around online, downloading random things and watching things i've wanted to watch for forever. and i go to johnmayer.com and watch the "inside the square" video.

he talked about the kum and go convenience store!!

but that's besides the point. i really liked it. i mean...in some ways, it is so overly produced and aimed at creating a specific persona for him. but in other ways...the qualities of the music that i love so much really shine through. and that makes me happy.


what the fuck was that tatoo on his arm?

and...the fan interviews cracked me up. "i drove THREE HOURS! to see john mayer!" heh. that's quality.

i'm really excited to see those shows in just over a week. like really really excited. i do believe there'll be some schoolgirl-esque giggling involved. and luckily the portland show is first, so it's GA and i can pretend like nothing has changed.

-the obsessive one

so last night after the bars, we came back here...

it's always a challenge to find music to listen to when j's around...and i don't mean that in a bad way at all. he hates the dmb/howie/mayer/oar/jack johnson thing, he's kind of a more korn type of person. he hates them pretty vocally. but the kicker is - he likes things like sublime and other really good music. he's one of those that you know really does like bands like dmb, he just won't admit it for whatever reason.

anyway.

so last night we came up with blind melon. now, i like blind melon, but i don't know blind melon. when they came out, i was just coming out of debbie gibson phase. but he and mel were totally talking it up, and really into it. and you wanna know why? because this shit is good. part of me hates how good it is because shannon is dead and it kinda feels like a worthless effort to me, but i'm giving it some time regardless. it's really really really good. and it sounds like there's a lot of zeppellin influence(no clue if that's true or not.), and it's just full and passionate and, well...good!

one thing, though - listening to this cd, you really get a feel for just how big of a role drugs play in music. heroin brings something out in these artists that *makes* the music.

yeah, just keep that stuff away from me, please.

so i emailed jeremy back last night. giving him the line up for each day and a link to the website that worked.

i just got this back:

i am going. I don't know how. but i am going.

quality.

i'm drunk and stoned as hell, but them i remembered i have an email from jeremy i haven't read yet. so i did. and it really just made me smile. i love the guy to bursting, i just really do.

i had emailed him because i know if there's one person i know that would love bonaroo, it's jeremy. so i figured it was worth it to just let him know it was happened. and i got this long, rambly email in response that just showed off his personality so well. so, yeah...i'm just...really smiley now.


miss amanda,

the web site didn't give me anything ........"no web site found here". If by TN you meant to write Tucson, then that is good news. unfortunalty, i kinda doubt that it is a typo. And im guessing that a flight would NOT be free, which would also be ideal. As much as i would love to go to this, (i don't even know what it is, but i know i would love to go because you know my taste in music) im pretty sure im not going to be able to afford it. THis whole long distance thing blew a huge hole in my pocket, and lots of money fell out before i noticed. And that hole is not very close to being...... not a hole anymore. What the hell am i talking about? dropping that lame metaphor, i spend way to much money trying to see Kate. I am trying to get enough money to go see Kate for her birthday in April. But, I don't even know when this thing is that you have in mind, and if it's over the summer, i might be able to figure something out. so there ya go. nothing much going on here, frankie's leaving Sunday, so we're drinking lots of beer in celebration. besides that i don't do much besides my damn school shit.

I am going to graduate in December though, so i got that going for me......... which is nice. And then it's off to any damn place. any
damn place. send me that web site again or something and ill check it out. hope (know) you are having fun.

love
jeremy

i have a cable modem i have a cable modem!!!! i'm surfing the net, and i feel like i'm on CRACK because things move so fucking fast! wooohooo!!!

oh yeah, and i have a job i have a job i have a job!!!!

but i'm too cracked out right now to stay put.

i'm writing you to catch you up on places i've been
and you held this letter
probably got excited
but there's nothing else inside it

didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping i would see the world through both my eyes
maybe i will tell you all about it
when i'm in the mood to loose my way with words

today skies are painted colors of a cowboy cliche
and strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway

didn't have a camera by my side this time
hoping i would see the world through both my eyes
maybe i will tell you all about it when
i'm in the mood to loose my way
but let me say
you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
you'll be with me next time
no more 3x5s

i guess you had to be there
i guess you had to be with me

today i finally overcame
trying to fit the world inside a picture frame
maybe i will tell you all about it
when i'm in the mood
to loose my way
but let me say
you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
you'll be with me next time
no more 3x5s

i remember thinking
i'll go on forever only knowing i'll see you again
but i know
the touch of you is hard to remember
but like that touch i know no other
and for sure
we danced in the risk of eachother
would you like to dance around the world with me?
i'll be falling all about my own thing
and i know
you're the heaviest weight
when you're not here that's hung around my head
and your lips burn wild
thrown from the face of a child
and in your eyes the scene of the greatest view
do what you will, always
walk where you like, your steps
do as you please
i'll back you up

i remember thinking
sometimes we walk,
sometimes we run away
but i know
no matter how fast we are running
some how we keep
some how we keep up with eachother
i'll be falling all about my own thing
and i know you're the heaviest weight
when you're not here that's hung around my head
and your lips burn wild
thrown from the face of a child
and in your eyes the scene of the greatest view
do what you will, always
walk where you like, your steps
do as you please
i'll back you up

so, this one highschool boy, who i'm not as close with as i am the others, im's me just now.

him: who are you killing?
him: Stop it
me: i'll never tell
me: :-)
him: sex
him: blow jpohs 6t790-
me: hi, drunkie
him: nevermind
me: :-)
him: ok
him: later
him signed off at 12:02:43 AM.


yeah...i worry about that one... lol

i'm so proud of colin. i don't care how much his arrogance comes out at times, i'm just proud of him. he'll be going to korea in august for a year to work as an assistant to a professor who will pretty much make his career. he's graduating in may from the university of chicago, and i know he's gonna do good things with his life.

now, it'd be awesome to get him to see how happy i am with my life, but we'll just have to work on that one.

but anyway. he's gonna go to second night allstate with me. he really wants to meet everyone, so i figured that'd be pretty much the only chance. i'm gonna see the boy twice this year. twice. but...it's so amazing to know that no matter what happens, we will always be best friends. we can go a month without talking, but we will always be there for eachother. and it's so nice to check in and see what new adventures our lives have in store...

poor guy has lost his shit for jane. he wants her to move to korea with him. two words: yeah right. but...well, he'll deal with that later. in the mean time, it's all about life and love, no?

god, i love my freaks. i just really really do.

oh, and this small pox thing? yeah. i really don't like that either. i hate it when they advertise stupid things on the fucking news!!!! if i hear that there won't be "enough" doses until the end of the year, well then - SO DOES SOMEONE WHO MIGHT WANT TO UNLEASH THE DAMNED DISEASE!

and i'm sure that they'll think - hey! americans will be immunized at the end of this year! so i'll wait until 2004 to hatch my biological warfare scheme!

UGH!

i'm retiring from watching the mother fucking news.

ooh ooh OOH! and NOW the national news is covering the damned plane that crashed in seattle today. why is it important? because it was an antique or something. i watched the damned "breaking news brief" for the two hours that my soaps were SUPPOSED to be on!!! GAH!

yes.
i need a job.
come on,social security card. you know you wanna get here so i can start working. cooooome on little bitty cardy wardy.

fuck.
tour starts in one week.

one week one week one week!!!!

ugh.

and i really don't like paying attention to the israeli/palestinian conflict.

can we even call it a "conflict" anymore? i somehow think not.

you know...with everything that's going on all over the world, and how many ways we have of destroying ourselves, and how likely this seems as the days go by...i bet it's gonna be a title wave or comet or massive volcano erruptions that knocks us out. we'll be on the verge of nuclear winter, and BOOM! all gone!

wow! i'm positive today!!

i watched oprah today because they were discussing the "scandal" in the catholic church. "the church has gone in the wrong direction."

so, uh, when was the catholic church going in the "right" direction? when people had to pay to confess? when the church wouldn't acknowledge that the holocaust existed? when it condemned homosexuals? when it taught kids in their catechism classes that french kissing and murder are the same type of mortal sin?

followers of the catholic church are some of the most brainwashed humans on the face of the earth. the fairth of catholic familes is SO strong that they spoon feed their beliefs to their families without an understanding of why the beliefs are that way or how they came to be that way. in my lifetime, i have yet to have an intelligent, factual, reality-based conversation with a catholic about their faith. money, power and blind following seem to be words that come to mind.

i've always supported faith in general. i realize that all of the world's religions have huge problems, but the majority of the followers use their faith to get them through times of crisis or to answer questions that would otherwise be daunting and frightening. faith can be such a beautiful thing! but blind faith...open your eyes, people. the catholic church is corrupt as hell. and that is not a new phenomenon. cardinals and bishops take a vow to keep scandal hidden. terms that i heard on oprah such as "pathological secrecy" and "blinded by an arrogance of power" speak so strongly to me. the church has already paid out as much as 1 billion dollars to settle claims for people molested by priests. that is fucking sickening. one billion dollars. just the fact that that kind of money is available to blow on such noble endeavors as that...

when my father(who was catholic) died, my mom turned to the church for support. aside from advising her that her grief was a sign of her impending insanity, they pretty much told her that my father had gone to hell and his demon or whatever was haunting our home. she made the mistake of saying "i feel like he's still here with us" and the priest showed up at our home to...i don't know...exorsize the place or something. that was the end of my catholic education.

i've stopped seeing the beauty in any branch of catholicism. it's run by power hungry, sick, twisted men who abuse people's insecurities, innocence and loyalty AND manage to come up with reasons for it.

now, as for WHY these sex scandals are happening...i've definitely got a morbid fascination with it. studies need to be done. i'd love to take a sociology of religion class right now, because i can already pinpoint specific social trends that have led to this bullshit.

one last thing...catholocs coming forward are being viewed by the church as "disloyal" because the church has enough to deal with coming from non-catholics attacking their practices. UGH! how can *anyone* stick with this faith? change denominations! something! go!! flee! get the hell out of those churches!!!

yeah, right. i know.

i keep getting these calls from people back home wanting me to be there to step in and mediate all the drama that's going on. i knew that i had a lot of pull over situations, but i'm just realizing how true that is. i think everyone is. i get called for advice on something at the very least once a day.

megan calls because she needs advice on what to do about paul. or a few days ago she called because she wants to volunteer at an AIDS crisis center, but they have to sign confidentiality statements. she was fine with this...until they gave a few real life situations. one of them said that in the case that one of your friends starts dating someone you've counseled and know has AIDS, you cannot tell your friend. she needed to know what i'd do in the situation.

i get calls from maggie every other day wondering if i've talked to matt and hoping that i can talk some sense INTO matt.

brian calls, also concerned about matt and hoping that i can talk to him about a few things.

drama in the jane/kim/kristy household is off the hook, so of course jane needs to vent regularly.

bob is having a hard time with his break up with kristy.

they keep me busy!

at some point in *every* phone call from *every* person i talk to, i get the "when are you coming back? soon?" question. poor kids. but i'm already realizing just how good it's going to be to be home again. and it's 6 months away!!!

i haven't listened to anything from the 2001 tour in quite a while. and now that it's on...it's taking me back. it's like i can sense everything about it, yet it's so far away...

such a strange feeling.

oh god. when the world ends opener and then i did it.

if god is good, that kind of set list progression will be missing completely in a few weeks.

eek. in A week.

crazy as i may
make my way through this world
it's for no one for me to say
what direction i should turn in now

when the world ends you know
that's what's happening now
i'm gonna be there with you somehow

i'm gonna tie you up like a baby in a carriage car
your legs don't work cuz you want me so
you just lie spread to the wall
the love you got is surely all the love
i will ever need
i'm gonna take you by my side and love you tall
till the world ends

i just had the sharpest pang of something...something telling me it's been way too long since i payed attention to howie. so i figured that also means it's time for the monthly posting of the lyrics to "ghost."

lately i've been thinking
lately i've been dreaming with you
i'm so resistant to this type of thinking
oh, now it's shining through
i was alone for the last time
before my night's vacation with you
alive from the first
now i'm denied by the ghost of you

make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
please

i know there's little use in crying
it's more wide awake and dying that i'm used to
i thought we'd walk these streets together
and now i'm hoping that i'll never have to meet you
step aside from all this anger
and somewhere in between i can feel you
you ask me should we try again
i'm thinking oh, you know
it's not what i believe in
it's not what i believe in

make yourself a photograph and laugh at me
please

no, i
i just wanna taste you love

standing in your shoes
i turn and now you're standing bare in my doorway
i only wish that i had been prepared
i'm gonna have to go along with your way
you take the plastic camera out
it's in the pants you borrowed in the driveway
alive from the first
now i'm denied by the ghost of you

so here's the line up, folks.

4/4 - DC
4/5 - PA
5/18 - shoreline
5/19 - shoreline
5/21 - sacramento
5/23 - portland
5/24 - vancouver
8/2 - starlake
8/3 - starlake
8/5 - polaris
8/6 - polaris
8/8 - riverbend
8/10 - creekie
8/11 - creekie
9/6 - gorge
9/7 - gorge
9/8 - gorge


fuck. how the hell did i get back up to 17 again? that was my number from last year that i was trying to stay below. that's not good. especially because i'm probably gonna add allstate too.

that can't be right.

shit. it is right. i could've sworn i was at 15. but i guess i was wrong.

the bonuses to this tour versus last year:
last year, i flew. a lot. everywhere. and drove. a lot. everywhere. this year...it's more just driving. i'm flying to dc for those two shows. and then flying out for the starlake through creekie run. everything else is driving. plus - i'm using a free ticket for the starlake run. so that means i'm just paying for flights once, which is a major bonus. plus, that flight was mostly covered by my mom's birthday present to me. bonus.

now. if i fly to chicago for those shows, i'll obtain another free ticket which will be used for bonnaroo. i love frequent flyer miles. they're great.

i also think it would be in my best interests not to talk to anyone online or read anything online or really even think about anything tour related when i'm in the kind of push-over mood i've been in for the past day.

i think it would be in my best interests not to get so excited over new music. i'm going to keep it quiet and do my best to horde so that i don't have to deal with tickets selling out and other annoying occurances.

;)

You are Shana!

oh my god. personal locators for kids. wristwatches that use satellite technology to locate your child wherever they are.

reason #567 i'm not having kids.

so is it really necessary to be advertising all over the news just how much MORE unsafe our airports are since 9/11?

among the many many amusing things that took place at last night's keller williams was a hotboxing experience unlike any i've had in recent history.

(first things first: i can't hold my drink OR my weed anymore. it's ridiculous.)

so when we first parked the car, the people at the car next to us were trying to unlock their car with a...whatever those car unlocky things are called. but i'm not so sure that it was their car.

so we went back out between sets to smoke a joint in my car. we were already pretty buzzded. as soon as we lit up, we noticed that the people in the car two spots down were passing around bowls like none other. it was so amusig to sit in my car and watch these clearly suburbanite kids get completely wrecked. we could hear their conversations, stemming around "get that fucking bowl away from me dude! i'm done!" to singing at the top of their lungs to some rap that i could identify at the time but escapes me now. they got out of the car and danced around.

meanwhile, i was convinced i couldn't walk and forceed the others in my car to stay put til i could compose myself.

little composition was needed, because when we finally got out of the car it was clear that we were in way better shape than the people who hadn't known they were being watched.

anywya. fun night. keller williams. he's fucking good. i love hippie crowds. the end.

have i mentioned lately how fantastic life is?


because it is just really really really fantastic.

gah.

i can't even express just how badly i want to kick myself in the ass for missing the jack johnson portland and seattle shows. i mean...the seattle show was sold out before i even knew about it, but i could've done the portland show. on my birthday, no less.

so instead, i'll just keep listening to it. and watching the video i have of him. and becoming more and more obsessive compulsive over music in general.

i think i was scarred for life by a few things.

1.) being born too late to catch dmb in the early years.
2.) missing OAR in arizona
3.) missing howie's really early shows
4.) missing jack
5.) catching mayer in the early days(well, early days of the west coast at least)

because of all of these things, i'm pretty much obsessed with seeing everything i can. because these acts are so damned good that you get one chance, and then POOF! they're huge and you're sitting in the back of the balcony.


damn, i amuse myself sometimes. dramatic babbling. can't beat it.

but anyway. yes. jack johnson. good lawd, this man is amazing. i cannot wait to be part of that audience.

our golden days seem to have us hypnotized or blinded...

well, and i guess it's about shitty seats too.

it's not really even about getting shitty seats to most people this time around. it's about the ridiculous quantities that got declined all together.

i drink you up
for every drop of you is sacred
every drop i drink you up
you fill my cup
the way you laugh
eyes of a child
lean on me
you fill me up
you make me love
so unconditionally generous to me you give me love
and break my heart
slip you fall
i pick you up
and dust you off
you break my heart

rain
rain
rain down on me
again and again
rain down on me

take all you want
for what is mine is yours no better use is there for what i've got
take all you want
and only hope can i you won't deny your love for me my love

no don't cry
if it's too high
i'll lift you up, we'll make it
when i was oh so tired
you come along to wake me
time and time again and again
with a smile you save me child

rain
rain
rain down on me
again and again
rain down on me

look
we play our cards
but i question by the grace of what we play our cards at all
come fill me up
fill me love when i'm empty
when i'm all dried up
no don't cry
if it's too high
i'll lift you up, we'll make it
up
i was so so tired
you come along to wake me
time and time again and again
with a smile you save me child

i am so proud of my mom. it's been over a year since my brother was diagnosed with shitzo-effective disorder(and i still can't fucking spell it) and it's been a long road for all of us. but i can't even touch what she's been through. it goes without saying that it's been the hardest for him, but i can't imagine watching my child go through this.

anyway.

back to the pride thing.

she's become very involved. from her inital meetings with state senators that have lead to some improvements in his treatment and personalized attention that he otherwise would not have gotten in the worst mental care state in the country to the things she's currently doing, i know that her advocacy has helped her more than anything else could. she's in training right now to head up this 12 week class that she just got done with that teaches the families of mentally ill people about the diseases and how to deal with it and those kinds of things. and as part of the crisis intervention network that is being instituted in tucson, she's been asked to talk to the tucson police department about daniel and their experiences with law enforcement. it's a pannel of 6 people(i think); her and another parent, and then a few mentally ill people. one has multiple personalities, another is bipolar i believe. they've been meeting over the past few weeks to practice telling their stories because the first few times it's virtually impossible to get through them without tears. they're trying to put a human face on the victims of these diseases because cops do not know how to handle them. most of these people are not violent, it's just that their symptoms freak cops out when they go to arrest them or whatever. they're trying to push a training program mandatory for all policemen that will teach them how to deal with these cases.

anyway. here's her letter:

Open Letter to TPD and Pima County Sheriff

My son is 20 years old this month and was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder a little over a year ago.

In 1986 when my son was 4 my husband was killed in a car accident. I have raised he and my daughter myself and until he got sick, our lives had been pretty normal. I was always proud of my children and felt fortunate that they were good kids that never gave me any trouble.

The first inkling that something was wrong was when at around the age of 16 my son asked me about the voices he was hearing. Being totally ignorant of mental illness I assured him it was his “self talk” that we all use when trying to motivate ourselves. I never thought about that conversation until recently. At that time he was making A’s and B’s in school, working full time and helping an elementary school teacher in her classroom. He had been chosen to be a page for a local congressman and wanted to attend Harvard once he graduated from high school. About that time his personality started slowly changing. He started becoming rebellious and slowly began skipping school. Finally in the spring of 2000 shortly after his 18th birthday I had had enough and when he punched a hole in his bedroom wall after an argument, I called 911. I was at my wits end and was assured by the operator that the police could talk to him and settle him down. When the sheriffs arrived he was cuffed and taken to jail for the night on domestic violence charges.

After non-compliance with the adult diversion program he was assigned to, the specialist advised me about filing a Title 36 petition. She had seen firsthand his erratic behavior and agreed something was wrong. It tore my heart out to do so, but I filed the petition in December 2000. After the evaluation by the MAC team, the police were sent to his apartment to pick him up and take him to Kino. I know he did not go willingly and when I saw him shortly after he nose was swollen and red.
He spent 2 days at Kino before he was able to slip out unnoticed. After 6 terrifying days not knowing where he was and what mental state he was in he showed up at his apartment while I was there cleaning. The police were able to arrive at his apartment before he left again and I watched while my son was put in a straight jacket and taken back to Kino.
Over the last 15 months my son has been hospitalized three more times. The first time he had not been compliant with his treatment and was not taking his medication so the behavior health agency asked the police to pick him up again. He knew what was happening and was able to evade them for three weeks until he was pulled over for a traffic violation. He had become increasingly paranoid so once he was pulled over he ran from the scene. After having his injuries addressed at Kino he was taken to jail where he stayed in solitary confinement for four days because he was a danger to himself.
Once released, I took him back to the hospital where he voluntarily admitted himself for treatment.
The second hospitalization was due to a suicide attempt. He had been living with me as we could no longer afford his apartment and I wanted to be able to keep my eyes on him. He was struggling (as he still does) with accepting his illness and was continuing to be delusional and depressed. I found him on the bathroom floor after he overdosed on his medication and a bottle of Tylenol.
The most recent hospitalization occurred because his court order to receive treatment was expiring and he needed to be evaluated to renew the court order.

Currently he is living independently with close supervision by employees of the health agency that oversees his treatment.
They monitor his medication and have been helping him to keep his apartment clean and maintain good hygiene. I’m hoping that with treatment and medication he will eventually regain his previous vitality and ambition. He has expressed a desire to get an education and I have encouraged him to focus in that direction.


the thing that really sticks out to me in that letter is the solitary confinement thing. putting a schitzophrenic in solitary confinement for four days and refusing to give them their medication... god. that's terrifying to me.

The Friday Five: Seasons Change


1. What is your favorite time of year? you see..."seasons" are a tricky thing for an arizona native. we don't really have fall at all - it usually goes straight from summer to winter. "winter" in this is classified as what most people consider fall. i'd have to say that spring is my favorite when we get it. clear blue skies, purple cactus with huge blossoms, yellow trees and perfect 75 degree weather.

2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season? i guess i kinda answered that above. i always loved walking around campus in spring. everyone sitting out on the grass under the sun, doing work on the benches. i'd ditch class just to absorb that energy. yummy. makes me look forward to summer here like none other. it's going to be incredible. outdoor concerts. the gorge. the beach. yum

3. What is your least favorite time of year? Why? um...i don't know. none of it really bothers me. i guess the last few weeks of summer when you're dying for a break in the heat. when it gets down to 50 at night but is still in the 90's during the day.

4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons?not really. the change from boots to flip flops is probably the most exciting thing.

What's your favorite thing to do outside?uuummmmmmm. concerts. all the way.

go listen to raven.

now.

you know...it really is a great thing to have another dmb freak in close proximity. it allows for quite a different spin on an already unpredictable situation. gotta love it.

aaaah! stop being awful, blog!!!

well. everything is still fucked up. but i don't feel like fucking with it. so fuck off.

=)

dayum

i did the test to see which dmb album i am, but when i pasted the code in here it fucked everything up.

so i took it out.

because i'm smart like that.

but it said i'm btcs, which i agree with way more than the test results below.

according to some test the dmb song that best represents me is halloween. there was a graphic and everything, but it just wasn't working with the blog template.

riiiiight. i might have to try that one again.

i didn't realize #36 was played in 2000. i mean...i knew it, but i didn't realize it.

when you put things like that into consideration, your hopes for what's to come kinda grow a little bit.

it's like...wow. that wasn't that long ago. and they sounded that good.

it'll be interesting to see what happens...

and knowing what songs supposedly definitely(isn't that a nice contradiction?) made the upcomming album and that that increases the chances of them being played. i could actually hear raven. or kit kat jam? and what if typical situation does pops back up. and sleep to dream her pops off the face of the earth. and stone and say goodbye and 36 do make more consistent appearences.

but no matter what happens. i do know one thing.

recently ain't neva gonna be the same. ;)

i don't like this template. would someone please just take over and design something for me that i'll love? that'd be grand. just surprise me when it's done. great. thanks.

i love black beans. they're probably one of my favorite foods. they're cheap as hell, they're easy to make and i love the taste. when i was a freshman in college, my roommate introduced me to black beans and rice. one of the ultimate college foods i've found.

since i've started cooking in these past few weeks, though, i've played around with them a little. i think my favorite is to saute some onions, green and red peppers (and some garlic, because i use garlic in pretty much everything) and then add the beans. i serve it over rice or in a burrito or with rice in a burrito or with cheese or whatever.

good stuff. and there's enough for probably 3 meals with one can.

i'm in the middle of tweaking my template and blogger decides it no longer wants to play. how fun.

substitute teaching requires a degree. that's a bummer. back to the drawing board i go! though i can't seem to think of anything that will plop $500 in my pocket every week...

i'm in a really good mood. still.

just woke up that way.

granted, i have no desire to step foot outside of my apartment, as the wind is howling and i'm sure is ass cold, but i will overcome it just as soon as i do my lovely little kickboxing work out.

my mom woke me up to tell me that i'm getting a tax refund. this is such good news. SUCH good news. my car payment is now taken care of through june. that is such a freaking relief. especially because i figured with the way things are going, i'd have to pay. but i'm safe!

gah. i put this one jack johnson show up on my list, and now everyone is emailing me for trades because i'm apparently one of the few with the show. i don't have the heart to say no to anyone, but i've got like 20 b&p packages sitting here already... so i'm just telling them to send me discs. groovy baby.

i somehow got started in a conversation on nancies about the music festival in TN. 3 emails later, the person has offered to pick me up at the airport in chicago and drive me the rest of the way if it'd be cheaper for me. i love how this community works. even if i can't figure out whether it's a guy or a girl.

come on att&t...contact me so i can set up an appointment to get my cable hooked up...

aye de mi.

virginia coalition.

i swear i liked them before i saw pictures.

some guy i'm doing a b&p for sent me a show by a band called virginia coalition.

very different.

i'm kinda digging it.

but that's not really my point right now. my point is that i'm fighting a john(of the mayer variety) crush that so does not need to be in place at all. it is kind of pissing me off, actually. well, not seriously pissing me off but definitely making me feisty. it's so stupid!!! it makes me feel like i belong in the ranks of the 15 year olds who i'm sure were smart enough to buy tickets to that damned seattle show and who will be occupying all of the decent seats. not that i'm bitter. but the point is - EW! he makes terrible faces when he sings! he constantly looks strung out! i should be past this! i don't like feeling like i'm 15!

i was so over him. completely. like...from my first encounter with him. and then i went through my respect phase. and theni went through my "oh, he's an ass" phase. but then i realized i didn't actually believe that cuz he'd never been anything but cool t me. and then back to the respect phase, while realizing that i really am a hardcore mayer fan, no matter how much i try and deny it. but then the other night we were watching a video and...well, i just wanted to ravish him. lick him. whatever. rough sex came to mind. yeah. it got really vivid. i had to stop watching.

i tried to pass it off on the weed and alcohol.

but then a few nights later, mel mentioned that he heard mayer was dating michelle branch.

i don't even know or care whether or not that's true, but the fact of the matter is that i spouted off some choice words and started mumbling about how she's not right for him and...well, i flipped a little bit. and then i actually heard what i was saying and looked at mel's stupid amused/smug look and got all flustered and started cracking up.

*tragic sigh*

could someone PLEASE hook me up with a rock star already? i know, i know, i've had plenty of chances. i mean...i've met some of the most incredibly gorgeous and talented musicians in the past year, and i either act cool and play the "friend" role or clam up and can't say shit. my fault. whatever. but i need one. have you seen these men? they are just...UH! all of them! walking orgasms!

for example. i can't watch howie. brain overload. i can listen, i can see pictures. but set me up in front of a video, and i have to look away. brain overload. when he throws his head back and scrunches up his face and just starts wailing...fuck me.

yes. exactly. fuck me.

god, i talk about the same things a lot.

and i just finished a huge coffee.

but anyway. mayer. he should really just hurry up and get big and be all full of himself and become the TRL god he's so intent on becoming so that i can have an encounter that is anything BUT good and determine that he's an ass like so much of the world already has. yes. that would be grand.

either that or his ego will kill his career and he'll loose popularity and then i can see him at the crocodile again and talk to him afterwards. yes. that would be grand. and i will convince his square ass to smoke a frickin bowl with me and all will be right in the world.

fucking libras. is he a libra? i think he's a libra. fuck them.

i can't stop babbling.

ok. so this virginia coalition thing. the music is good. the guys voices could use some work. but it sounds like it'd be a fun show.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

my friend greg came out this past weekend. apparently it's something along the lines of him running around gleefully telling people, "i'm gay, i'm gay!" it makes me really happy to hear, because we've all known for years that this was the case. what made him come out? two of his female coworkers made him go to a gay bar with them and then paid him to dance with a guy. heh. it worked!!!

hmm...what else...

matt and christine broke up. my cell rang at like 8 friday morning, and when i checked the voicemail a few hours later, it was a message from him crying and telling me what had happened. there is nothing worse than a sad matt. he's this big huge oaf of a guy with this incredibly emotional side who doesn't take change well at all. and i think the fact that the break up was mutual makes it even harder because there's so much sadness involved.

every day things change
basically they stay the same

anyway...i've been with the boy through two break ups, and it just breaks my heart. especially to hear him saying that all he wants is for me to be there. so i called jane and made sure she kept him occupied for the weekend. talked to him tonight, and he sounds ok. very very very busy, which is definitely a good thing.

now i need to call christine.

well, not NOW now. but you get the point.

oh man. dave is a-wailin. distracting...

have i mentioned lately how much i adore living here? i love how different everything is. absolutley every aspect of everything is different. and yes, i do feel that the greatness of the music scene is worth mentioning again and again and again. it's fucking addictive and i love it. i was talking to jane about it earlier - leaving this music scene is going to be one of the hardest things i've done. not because it's necessarily superior to every other big city out there, but because i'll be going back to tucson where the scene is virtually non-existant. though i'm sure i'll be more willing to look and to drive to phoenix whenever i want to, because it's really not THAT much farther than tacoma to seattle.

ah, seattle. what a wonderful city. granted, the people can be a bit on the snobby side, but i attribute it to the fact that they know they have it good. sure, people ask "how can you stand the rain?" but i love it. the sun comes out enough. and when it does...wow. the colors are so vibrant and everything is so alive.

and man, oh man, howie is the perfect mood music for this climate. dark and moody and passionate and intense. yumMY.

so tour starts in two weeks and a day. that's really really really soon. it's so different from last time. yet...i know that we're all gonna get together and freak the fuck out just like always. i was interacting with one of the freaks today...he was helping me make some decisions...and it really struck me just how much of a family we are. everyone is so supportive. and there's someone to go to with whatever you might need advice on...be it ISPs, relationship troubles or how to cook chicken. the way our differences compliment eachother will never fail to amaze me.

(i'm jumping around topics a lot tonight)

out of all the people back home, the only ones i really truly miss(though not in a depressing way) are the highschool boys. thoughts of them bring such a huge smile to my face, and i cannot wait to see them again. i think it's a mixture of the fact that they're really the only ones i don't talk to multiple times weekly and the fact that i know when i do go back, they'll be able to see changes in me better than anyone else. i know how much i've been awed at how they've grown into these truly awesome people, and i'm seeing now that they see the same thing in me. we go on our own life paths, no matter how different they are, but our love for eachother grows and grows and grows.

i can't wait to go to nik's wedding this summer. there was a point in time where i was thinking i wouldn't be able to make it, but i've realized just how important it is. it's the first of the boys to tie the knot, and if i have to be there. it'll be pure insanity and happiness and i couldn't miss that. even if it means missing hartford.

heh.

though you know i'll do both.

i think i'm going to be teaching myself some lessons in debt the very very hard way.

...in the end it all piles up so tall
to one big nothing
one big nothing at all

forget about the reasons
and the treasons we are seeking
forget about the notion that our emotion can be kept at bay
forget about being guilty
we are innocent instead
for soon we will all find our lives swept away


(and you know how it is...)

so i'm obsessed with josh from road rules latin america. he's currently still on rr/rw allstars this season. don't even ask me why, i just love the guy to death.

and my love has grown even deeper since last night's episode when i spotted a copy of "house of leaves" laying on his chest.

i want him.

oh yeah. and uh... 16 days til tour starts. sixteen. SIXTEEN(6teen. heh.).

must. not. thinkaboutit.

today's discoveries:

-i don't want to sell insurance, no matter what the flexibility of the hours.
-i can type 80wpm, am 95% proficient in word and 83% proficient in excel.
-i got a 96% on my spelling test. i wonder what it is that i missed. fucking words.
-i am not supposed to know these results.
-working for a temp agency could be a very good thing.
-i should have told them i wanted more money.
-i think substitute teaching in combination with the temp jobs should provide:
a.a lot of diversity and new challenges for me
b.a highly flexible schedule, yet enough money to support both my monthly requirements AND my addiction
c.the opportunity to volunteer with the additional orgs i had been interested in working with
(one of these orgs is the seattle music festival. which i'd love to work with. but which is also occurring creekie weekend.)


anyway.

my horoscope yesterday said: It is important for you to remain flexible, dear Aquarius, but not so much that you can't make a decision about anything. It could be that your head is saying one thing, while your heart is saying another. When you give both of your inner urges free rein in an effort to be as flexible as possible, you may find that they go in completely opposite directions. The only thing you can do at this point is to hold off on making any important decisions until the path you need to take becomes clearer.

well, it rang very true with me. and i think that path is becoming clear to me - FINALLY.

praise allah.

for tonight, i think i need some serious alone time. i went from being by myself the majority of the time, to having two other people around 24/7 for quite a few days. it's time to relax, get online and figure out what it is i need to do in preparation for my meeting tomorrow night with the founder of stand up for kids, fill out an application for subbing, watch a movie, do some laundry...

and it'll all take place in the luxury of mike the fly boy's apartment, seeing as i 1.)do not have a washer and dryer and 2.)no longer have cable. it appears it doesn't come with the apartment and was disconnected on friday. sods.

ergh.

i am really fucking tired. and achy and just over all not feeling good. and i think i know who is to blame.

really good weekend. really good week for that matter. and instead of staying home and sleeping off this vague yuckiness that i'm feeling, i went to yet another concert which left me feeling even yuckier. not because the concert was bad. just because...well...i think i needed to sleep.

ben kweller was definitely not as good as i was expecting. the boy is talented, and i'm sure he'll go far, but that sound just isn't my thing. the anniversary was aight as well - though kind of the same reaction - good, but not my thing. i was impressed with dashboard confessional. good interactions with the crowd. it appeared that the singer guy was having some voice problems, but it was remedied by the fact that the crowd knew every word and sounded quite nice singing for him. they were very good live - but once again - not my thing. nnothing to hold onto. nothing to drag this passion out of me.

so yeah. i think i'm going to bed now.

ok. one of the many reasons i'm so amused by observing the communities that surround these musicians that i'm so into is because when there's band-related news, everything just comes alive. for example, howie day has just signed with epic. the chatter around the message boards and stuff revolves around threads like "do you think howie will become as popular as dmb?" or "what will happen to the reps program" or "should we start a fanclub with warehouse-like benefits?" or someone will post about you know...what other artists have signed to epic, speculation on whether it was a good or bad move...

or when the first bit of the new dmb album "leaks" to the internet(oh, come on. like there's a doubt it'll happen.)...it's just mad frenzy. and mad kicking myself in the ass that i'm still on dial-up, but that's besides the point.

i remember when the lillywhites leaked, and i got a call at 4 in the morning(we're not talking a weekend, here folks. it was an early monday morning) with crazy people on the other end insisiting that i listen to "big eyed fish" and "captain" while they played it over the phone.

but anyway...

you see these threads go across all the different mailing lists and message boards, even if you're not really reading, and...well...it amuses me, dammit!

then again, i am a sociology major.

so in the next month and a half or so, i'll be seeing a lot of really good artists. live. besides the local bands i've seen in the last week and dashboard confessional/ben kweller tonight, here's what i've got coming up in the next few weeks:

-keller williams
-ben folds
-dmb twice
-mayer twice
-jack johnson twice
-pete yorn
-more local bands i haven't seen yet

and then i might go to incubus and no doubt, but that's tbd.

and then in the month after that, there's lots more dmb, trey, more jack johnson, soulive, blackalicious, ben harper, galactic, string cheese incident...

god knows who i'm forgetting and what will turn up.

makes my mouth water. =)

does glen phillips always have a different hair cut?

this is going to create a lot of problems for me.

all out ice storm in the process.

the weather here is so fucking weird.

we were gonna go into seattle early this morning to hit up a few things we didn't get to the other day. kim made breakfast...and then we look outside and discover that it is snowing. not softly or slowly. snowing HARD. lots of it. and it's not letting up.

so we decided we probably shouldn't, as seattle tends to be worse off than tacoma.

watched a movie...and by the time it was over, it had stopped snowing, and it was all melting rather quickly.

set out for the airport - it's sunny(well, cloudy, but the sun was coming through.)
about 10 minutes in, it's raining pretty damned hard.
then it stops raining, but the landscape is snowy again.
then it starts snowing, and the town around the airport is covered in snow.
i drop them off, and it starts snowing even harder.
the it stops and the sun comes out again.
then i get about 15 minutes from home and it's a massive ice storm.
then snow again.
then rain.
then snow.
now i'm home and it's ice.

how fun!

booo!

the best part is - my free cable no longer exists. yes, that's right. me stuck at home with no cable. my insanity levels should be interesting by tonight.

wow.

i'm realizing just why it is i stopped hanging out with kimchris. they tend to annoy me.

that and the fact that kim is being a total pushover.

well, hopefully i'll have ONE day with them while they're here.

(i'm annoyed. can you tell?)

something jen just posted to freaks...


you file into the arena after chugging your beer at the gate
put your ticket into your bra for safe keeping
buy two beers (and maybe a preztel)
hug everyone you see that you havent yet seen or isnt staying at your
house
go to your seat and high five each other for such awesome fucking
seats
check out how many mic stands are over by boyd
look and see what bass stefan is using and count the lizards
check and make sure Butch is there
smoke a cigarette
t
h
e
n
the lights go out
your heartbeat races
you watch stage left, you glimpse quickly to stage right--you wouldnt
want to miss them coming on stage left while looking stage right
the crowd is roaring
your pulse increases even more
you squeeze your seat mates hand and giggle
a
n
d

t
h
e
n

he struts on stage
and the boys follow
and he says "hello, hope y'all are doing ok tonight"

and you are because they just walked on stage.
and they open with JTR.

tuesday's eddition of this or that:
(sure)

1) "Blah, blah, blah..." or "yadda, yadda, yadda..."? "yadda, yadda, yadda..." unless it's "blah, blah blah..."


2) English or math? um. hi. english. i fucking HATE math. passionately. die die die.

3) VHS or DVD? i like to pretend that dvd's don't exist because there is no way in hell a dvd player is fitting into my budget like...ever. hmmm. maybe i'll convince my mom to get one when i move back home.

4) Jeans or pants? jeans. i do wear draw string pants in the summer, or sometimes cargo pants. but on the whole, i wear jeans daily, no matter what the temperature.

5) Art or Music? i know i could read into this one, but i'm not gonna. music. where would you be without music? (that's a quote i saw somewhere. i like stealing things.)


6) Near or far? near. though virtually nothing is.

7) Nestle's or Hershey's? never really thought about it. i'm indifferent.

8) Who was/is the best James Bond: i. hate. those damned movies.

9) Triangle or rectangle? triangles are fun.

10) Chat or not? i really do chat a lot. mostly briefly, but there are so many people i talk to daily on im and on the phone. whether it's just "hi" or "'night," it's become a normal part of my day.

i do have to say that today's "gifts of the goddess" affirmation card struck a cord with me when i picked it, and is now really making even more sense to me as far as the whole job thing goes.

I AM CONTENT IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES

i'm so hyper right now.

and i was gonna write all about my job interview and the reservations i have and how much those reservations don't matter and how much i really need a job and how good of a conversation started the whole beingfromarizona thing is and talking about the wildcats and lute and being assured i'm being called back.

but.

then i came home and started talking to jen and now i'm typing a mile a minute and realizing that tour starts in three weeks and two days and that the whole cycle is starting over again and realizing that the anticipation might just kill me and realizing how much fun it's going to be and what a relief it will be to be reunited with all the freaks again and just waiting for them to come out on stage and road tripping and partying at casaNova and eating burritos and...

fuck me.
that's only the first weekend of the tour.

eep!

and kim will be here in less than 3 hours!!!

i broke down and did the comments thing.

so would someone humor me soon, please? i'll only ask it this once. and then ya'll can keep your mouths closed.

kim's coming tomorrow! kim's coming tomrrow!!! kim's coming tomorrow!!! lalalalalalalala.

oh, and chris is coming too. but i'll just keep ignoring that fact. because i'm a snide bitch like that.

i'm gonna have so much fuuuuuun and let looooooose and be with people my own age and level of spasticness! praise god!

i can't get rid of the frickin elipses after "WORD" to save my life. driving me batty.

if someone wants to find me a job, i'd appreciate it.

gettin a little discouraged over here.

first things first: howie and a piano. yum.


second things next: this makes me laugh. and it also makes me realize how glad i am not to be sitting with any tapers. or at least any tapers that are taping while sitting with me.

god love rachael...

i can't stop listening to the new alanis song.

ok, so i've only listened to it once so far. but i really really dig this song, yo!

have i voiced my conspiracy theory here? cuz this song is most definitely alannis's version of "say goodbye." from the first moment i heard it, that thought bounced into my head. it's been sitting there ever since. and it makes a girl wonder...

then there are those who would say it's about ballard. which is equally amusing.

the more you love
the more you need
the more you'll understand


and with that last howie lyric(i swear), i think i'm gonna go to bed.

there is nothing worse than trying to do stuff online when your mouse isn't working.

it's a total test of patience, i'm telling you.

every night is disco night
with you i'm living every moment for you
seeing things in a different way
oh my god, i'm thankful that you're leaving

is there something we can do
this afternoon
is there nothing left to say
hold your love
warning you
that you are
something new
afternoon

i'll make it up to you somehow
i'm laughing and you're dancing like my mother
i teach you to go off on me
you shake
from the horror...

another night you're going out
saturday and now you've got the fever

oh love
is there something we can do
this afternoon
is there nothing left to say
hold your love
cautions you
you are
something new
afternoon

you're so beautiful
you'll just have to do...


i'm always quoting that song. i can't help it. it's my favorite.

we listened to the show from pullman FINALLY yesterday. oh my good god. it was amazing. every bit as incredible as i remember it being - maybe even better. to relive that night was just what i needed. i can't believe it was a month ago... in so many ways, it seems much farther away that that. yet, in other ways i can't believe it was that long ago.

the point is - we got the chance to witness an unbelievable concert. the recording is truly something for mel to be proud of. not really because of anything he did(sssssh, don't tell him that) but because the audience is UNREAL. completely quiet. it's like...the song ends, and then 5 seconds later, everyone bursts out into applause...quiets down...howie attempts to make some small talk, and everyone giggles and claps, and then the next song starts. instead of each song being short and sweet, each one evolves into this journey that his music is SO worthy of. and then when the show ends, the audience is completely quiet.

GOD, i'm so glad i got to experience that.

and yes. i do think howie needs a copy.

heh.

nothing worse than a potentially perfect new howie show with pops in the cd.

one thing: i can't figure out how to make the links not have this url in front of them.
second thing: i only have two dg shows. and i can't find one with "please forgive me." and that makes me sad.


ooooh ooooh! oooooooh! there it is!!!!!!!

please forgive me if i act a little strange
for i know not what i do
feels like lightening running through my veins
every time i look at you


aaaah. memories of nightwithhowie. i'm gonna have to put him on next.

(and no, jen. i'm not out of my howie phase. it's BACK. full strength.)

wanna tell you just how good it feels
when you look at me that way

oh yeah. and ice is a person, not a frozen thing.

i'm just gonna keep changing skins til i find one that fits me.

and i'm not being all deep and meaningful here. i'm just talking about blog skins. so sorry.

(oh god. there go the howie lyrics in my head again.)

this years love, it better last

good lawd.

david gray can crawl into my dreams any ol' time he pleases.

mental note: ice does not qualify as helpful.

i'm totally freaking out right now.

the strangest combination of elements have put me in this mind set and it's just freaking me the hell out.

no one to talk to, no idea what to do.

and all i can really say is...damn. i need to talk to nick.

i went through 5 years of thinking about him with.out.fail. on a daily basis. multiple times. but in the past year, that's changed. so many new faces in my life, so much change... i mean, i lived 100 feet away from the guy for almost a year. and i didn't talk to him all that often during that period. we reached some sort of strange agreement or something.

but the combination of things that have and haven't happened in the past 24 hours have resulted in this overpowering urge to talk to him.

but i can't do it.

i can't call him because all of those old fears still exist. and new ones have formed. and there's uncertainty and doubt...yet...i've come to this strange realization that i just might not be wrong about him. about us. and that scares the hell out of me.

what on earth is going on in my heart?

and if i told you the movie i was watching that led me to these unstoppable thoughts, you'd laugh your ass off.

so i'll just put my new david gray show on(my FIRST live dg, mind you) and hope that someone helpful gets online.

sail away with me honey
i put my heart in your hand...

you know something that's really funny?

80's sitcoms and their child stars. they all had them. but then they run into troublewhen the stars grow up. and then they have to be replaced.

case in point:
rudy on the cosby show replaced by olivia.
the olsen twins replaced by jesse and rebecca's twins.
tina yothers on family ties replaced by andrew or whatever his name was.
was ben savage replaced by anyone on growing pains?

shit. blogger is going down in two minutes. must post!

operation anaconda.

GOD the news cracks me up!!!!

one of the headlines on NBC nightly news: "it's back: el nino."

now.

when el nino was first named a few years ago(i think it was 4?), it was described as a phenomenon that only happened once in a great while. and then when weather patterns weren't back to normal the next year, it was the after effects of el nino. and then when weather patterns weren't back to normal the next year, it was given the name "la nina."

my point? well, i don't think we're going to be witnessing "normal" weather patterns from here on out. the global climate is changing. and i'm not gonna point fingers and say it's because of this or that, but it does crack me up to hear about this phenomenon that is constantly redefined and reshaped to fit our completely eccentric weather patterns.

hello. tacoma today. misty and cloudy in the morning. then the sun came out. then i went on base with miketheflyboy to buy oil and a filter so that we could go to the hobby shop and use the lift to change my oil. we went inside, and it was sunny. about 20 minutes later, i look outside and it is snowing. HARD. 15 minutes later, the ground is covered.

so we drive off base, and there's the sun again. traffic is a bitch because things are starting to freeze, but it's sunny! now...the clouds are rolling back in again. 2 more inches are expected.

it's march.

and, last week it was sunny sunny sunny all week long - it even got up to 60.

now it's like 28 and snowing.

weird.

hopefully the ice will behave itself, because there's a big ol hill i gotta conquer to drive in and out of my apartment complex. and god knows i've got lotsa places to go.

i'm watching mtv's meth special... god, it's taking me back.

not that i've done the shit. quite the opposite. events in my life have made me absolutley scared shitless of the stuff. it horrifies me, it worries me, it pisses me off... and i'm glad i have that reaction, because that will keep me the hell away from it.

it makes me think about john. it makes me remember the fear i felt when i knew that he was up in flagstaff with an addiction. i remember how much i hated the girl who introduced him to it.

but most of all, i remember after it was all over, and he was back living in tucson...when he first started telling me about it. we were sitting on the swings in a park at sunrise, talking about something, and he said "so what do you want to know about the meth?" i didn't know where to start or what questions to ask, so he just started telling me stories. about being up for 5 days, and thinking megan was mad at him and showing up at her house and breaking down on the floor crying once she told him she wasn't mad. about the "shadow people" he'd start to see after being up for days. standing outside of a grocery store with a bunch of other people, only to look around and realize that no one was there.

megan would do it to have enough time to balance school and work. he'd do it and flunk out of school and loose his job. but it was ok because nothing else mattered.

i remember when he first came back from flagstaff. we had a party for him, ,and when he and maggie showed up, he was incoherrant. he passed out on the couch - he'd been up for god knows how long. i remember the absolute lack of control i had over him going to meet megan to get a fix, and i remember how utterly relieved i was that he was going away for the summer to be a camp counselor(how ironic. but damn, he was good at it.)

the night before he left for camp, he had gone into my bathroom and snorted the shit, and i got PISSED. it's rare that happens, but when it does - stand back.

and then when he came back from camp. he moved in with us, and was living in my room because he couldn't deal with his parents. i don't think that he was using at that point. but then again, who knows. him and i would stay up til sunrise, go to kmart and goof around at 3 in the morning or go to the park and blow bubbles and watch the sun rise. there were so many other drugs going around at that point. acid, mushrooms. i know a few of them were doing coke, which i have the same reaction to as i do meth for the most part.

maybe he was doing it then?

i don't know.

what was the point of this?

i don't know.

this special just started me thinking...

he would bring it up every once in a while, over a bowl at 4 in the morning...telling me how much i'd like it and how much fun we'd have if we did it together. and every single time it made me sick. i'd tell him to stop. and if he wouldn't, i'd leave.

i do wonder sometimes how he's doing with that stuff. i'll hear bits and pieces every now and then. about how he's started back up, and how rachel is freaking because she wants him away from that stuff.

but i honestly don't think he'll ever stop. he's got this void inside him that is deeper than anything i've ever experienced. and it's so sad, because he has that quality that draws people to him. he's an incredible guy, and he could do so much with his life. but something is missing, and he uses drugs to fill it up.

he once told me that he started doing meth because everything else stopped effecting him. he'd do 15 hits of acid at a time and go to sleep. mushrooms didn't phase him.

i think that...a year and a half after the fact...i really AM over loosing him. it was hard not having him in my life for soooooo long because he was part of my heart. one of those soul connections that everyone looks for. such a cherished friendship.

but now, i think i'm ok with it. no more worrying about his self destructive tendencies.

and there's still that knowledge that what goes around comes around. and i hope he deals with what life doles out for him in a constructive way. because he's lost every single one of the friends that would have helped him through it.

aaaw yeah, baby.

sasquatch music festival featuring string cheese incident, jack johnson, ben harper, soulive, blackalicious, galactic...at the GORGE the day after vancouver. right the fuck on. killer end to what is going to be a phenomenal week...out in the sun, with such excellent acts, at my favorite venue.

so far it's shaping up to look like this
friday may 17th: drive
18th: dmb at shoreline
19th: dmb at shoreline
20th: night off(i'm sure we'll find something to do)
21st: dmb in sacramento
22nd: trey in salem
23rd: dmb in portland(oooh, look. trey has a night off. maybe they'll do something besides liog this time.)
24th: dmb in vancouver
25th: GORGE, baby!!!

now let's take a look at the driving required.

the 17th - i'd like to say we'll just drive half way, but knowing me and mel we'll get all the way to mountain view, which is about 13 hours.
to sacramento - no clue. 2 hours max, i'm thinking.
to salem - oooooh, about 9 or 10
to portland - maybe 2?
back to tacoma to sleep- 2 and a half
to vancouver - 2 and a half
back home to sleep - 2 and a half
to the gorge - 3

fun!

another reason the bush administration irks me. (understatement of the year) moderate viewpoints my ass.


From: Choice Action Network(NARAL)
Subject: Help Defeat Dangerous Change to State Children's Health Insurance Program

On Tuesday, March 5, 2002, the Administration took a giant step towards its ultimate goal of making abortion illegal. On that day,
the Bush Administration published a proposed rule designating embryos and fetuses as "children" eligible for medical benefits under the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP). (67 Fed. Reg. No.43, pp. 9936-9939). Importantly, the pregnant woman herself is not considered the patient.

Under the joint federal/state SCHIP program, states provide health care to low income children who are not covered by the Medicaid
program. Currently, both SCHIP and Medicaid laws allow states to cover more pregnant women than would otherwise be eligible under theprograms' general rules. This is an essential point, because it proves that the Administration's move - which they claim will expand
access to prenatal care - is unnecessary. If the Administration were truly interested in enhancing health care for pregnant women, it
would simply encourage states to do so through their existing authority.

Pro-choice supporters should weigh in now and tell the Bush Administration that there are better ways to promote prenatal care and the health of newborns, and that we emphatically oppose this stealth strategy to give embryos and fetuses formal legal rights.

To convey your views to the Bush Administration, send comments by May 6, 2002. One original and three copies should be ddressed to the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, Department of Health and Human Services, Attn: CMS-2127-P, P.O. Box 8016, Baltimore, MD 21244-8016. Please refer to the talking points below when crafting your letter.

For more information on the SCHIP program, please go to http://www.naral.org/mediaresources/fact/chip_points.html.


Key points to articulate in any forum regarding this rule are the
following:

* NARAL has long supported initiatives to provide prenatal care for pregnant women; indeed, the millions of uninsured deserve
comprehensive health care.

* Yet the Administration's proposal is designed with a different goal in mind - establishing an embryo or fetus, from the moment of
conception, as a separate beneficiary of government programs.

* The Administration's clear long-term goal is to have the government make abortion illegal. An interim step is to establish that embryos are persons under the law. This proposal does just that - it makes embryos persons under the law for purposes of eligibility for the SCHIP program.

* If the Administration were sincere about providing health-insurance coverage for pregnant women, it would not need to promulgate new regulations defining embryos as children. Rather, it could simply accomplish the goal by approving state "waivers" under
SCHIP's existing statutory framework. Its failure to take this established course reveals that the true intent behind the Administration's proposal is not to expand health-care coverage to a vulnerable population, but to undermine a woman's right to choose. In sum, this is an anti-choice ploy disguised as a health-care proposal.

* The proposal is further troubling because it could actually do harm to women by pitting them against the program's "patients" - the
embryos. The effects of many prescription drugs on pregnancies have not been studied - under this proposal, a woman's treatment might be denied, including potentially life-saving radiation treatment or chemotherapy, in favor of the embryo or fetus. If a woman were
carrying an embryo or fetus covered under this new proposal and she had a miscarriage, there would no longer be a "beneficiary" for the SCHIP program. Would the government then refuse to pay for her follow-up care? The Administration's failure to address the many
practical problems with implementing this proposal indicates that this is not serious health-care policy; it is a political statement instead.

i cannot fucking stand our president.

there. i said it.

i dealt with it quite well when the fuckhead was elected to office. i was even of the "oh, it won't be all that bad. he's sticking to more moderate viewpoints" mindset.

yeah, it's like fifty times worse than i could have imagined.

i don't trust him in any way shape or form. i don't trust his motives on anything he does, i don't trust his actions in the middle east, i don't trust his interactions with other important allies. i don't trust his putting tarrifs on imported steal, thereby going against his "free trade" views. i can't stand to hear him speak because he can't do it. he needs to give the fuck up on these stupid notions of tax refunds and tax cuts while boosting the god damned budget for the military. hi. it's called common sense. would someone please call him on this shit?

GAH!!!

oh, and have i mentioned the whole "less than a month til tour" thing yet?

because there's less than a month til tour.

.
.
.
.

and i still don't have a fucking job.

i really wish i could find another blog template i wanted to use. it just ain't happening, though. i flip between them ten zillion times, and nothing works. it's not like me to stick with something this long. i'm fond of constant change when it comes to stuff like this. of course, starting up an entire ego site like i used to do would be much more satisfying as far as the expression part of the equation goes.. but i just don't have the desire to put up with that shit. this is so much easier. and requires so little effort.

so...i'm going through some webpages, updating my show list and what not, and i come across this. tucson arizona. gentle ben's. that is one of my haunts. we go there(should i say went there?) every weekend for lunch on sunday, and at least every other week for drinks. that's where kristy has worked for god knows how long. i lived like two seconds from there.

aye de mi.

i always miss the formative years, yo!

oh my GOD. two call backs in one day. the day after i sent out the emails! WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!

oh for the love of all that is holy.

so i realize i'm insanely spoiled when it comes to good seats and venues and whatnot. but uh...i really have no desire to see mayer from the back of the balcony at the moore! come on people! you have to be kidding me! nor do i really care to spend $8.50 on convenience charges for an $18 ticket.

aaah...i remember when i saw him for $5 with 7 people in the audience...

my boy is growing up. *sniff sniff* and it was cool last time around, when it was still general admission. but this seated thing is gonna cause some problems for yours truly.

i can't even describe how quickly o.a.r. is moving into my heart. way faster than dmb. it's like...at the level of mayer, except there's more substance to the musical aspect of it. they are fanfuckingtastic.

i've gotten like...4 howie shows and 7 dmb shows in the past 2 days, and all i can do is listen to the frickin o.a.r. cd. i'll get about 10 minutes into something else and then have to turn it off.

i DIG this band, yo.

and the funniest part of it is most of the freaks reaction of total disgust. they all HATE them. poor bastards. there are some things that you just feel lucky to "get." and this is one of them.

it's also made me notice something different about east coasters and west coasters. the sublime addiction. 40 oz to freedom was a FUNDAMENTAL album for everyone i know. at some point or another. no matter their musical tastes, everyone adores that album and has gone through many copies. east coasters don't get that. and there's that ska element in o.a.r.'s music that makes it different and gives it that incredible high energy. and i really honestly think that's why none of them like it, as deluded as it may sound.

word.

so i went ahead and asked mel: "has it sunk in yet that i'm living here?"

and it really hasn't. for anyone. myself included. because it doesn't feel strange at all. there is nothing out of the ordinary about this new living situation. at all.

and that is fucking weird.

but then again, i've had a few beers. so who am i to say?

i just got an email confirming my membership to the GOP leaders coalition or whatever.

i don't think i've ever unsubbed from something so fast in all my live long life.

got a call from the apartment complex. not only are they refunding my security deposit, but since the new tennants moved in yesterday, i get credit for the last day of the month. that's an extra 20 bucks. makes me happy.

i'm in a really good mood. it's too damned bad i've had to close all the blinds to shut the light out because my head hurts so fucking bad i want to scream.

but that would be counterproductive.

i really need to go out and run quite a few errands, too.

fucking headache GO AWAY!