real glad i had a dream last night where i was in mexico on the beach. with a big group of people including my mom and justin timberlake. yeah. me and justin were buddies. go figure.

what a good weekend.

again.

i really wanna know who's reading this thing. my daily hits have gone up in leaps and bounds in the past week. and i'm real curious as to who the hell you people are. in a good way, of course :)

so why don't you leave me a little comment or something. please? or email me? amanda@justdmb.com. word.

the wind is howling freakishly loudly outside. this is seriously starting to freak me out. the drive home was a hazard becasue it was blowing my car all over the road. and i do not drive a light car.

very strange night.

think i'll go listen to the wind some more.

so...i'm really stoked because my brother is back on his meds, and they're finally taking effect, and there is such a marked difference. he's coherant. we joke around. he's motivated. he makes sense. he seems to be part of this world again. he's ganging up on my mom with me to give her shit. it's great.

but.

the meds he's on this time are the ones that make him ravenous. he is hungry ALL the time. consuming mass quantities.and of course, the little fuck can eat and not worry about gaining weight. but god...he's always over here and he's always...eating. and drinking. and makign food. and making a huge mess in the process. and when i'm sitting on the couch, i can hear him eating and gulping down liquid and burping, and it quite frankly just disgusts the hell out of me.

but...what can you do? i'll take annoying eating noises over psychosis any day.

been a long time since i've taken a pain killer. took a percoset, and it's actually having an effect on me. and man, am i having fun trying to function.

it's like a waking dream.

such a good time last night.

but i woke up today feeling pretty miserably lonely. and i'm not all that fond of the feeling, because there ain't jack shit i can do about it besides crawl back into bed and hope it passes.

audblog audio post

aaah, i just had such a good nyc flashback. :)

i just love standing in that city observing. saturday night, after a ticket debacle outside radio city, i was standing on the corner by myself(you see, i had some serious conscience issues with what was going down. we'll call it "a tale of two scalpers." ask me if you want details. contrary once again to "popular" belief, i had nothing to do with the selling of said tickets, made a point of staying the hell out of it, because it was WRONG(screw the eat or be eaten mentality) though i'm sure the peanut gallery would love to assume otherwise, as it only helps the "amanda going to hell" cause... :) ).

but anyway!

i just stood there for about 10 minutes, taking in the sights, watching obviously out of place, excited fans ushering around to try and find the entrance...cabs flying by, random people walking around preaching this or that "dave matthews is going to hell! enter at your own risk!" and lots of anti-war/pro-war rhetoric. found some girl handing out O.A.R. promotional cd's, and chit chatted with her for a little bit. watched the massive amounts of security scanning the crowds, and people reuniting with hugs and love... damn, i love that city. so much life.

1 MINUTE AGO: getting this dealy mabobber off of christina's site.
1 DAY AGO: pretty much the same thing i'm doing right now, just with music on
1 WEEK AGO: passed out on a plane after almost missing it
1 YEAR AGO: hmmm. not real sure. doing something in tacoma, probably between shows. gearing up for the 2002 tour.
I HURT: in secret.
I LOVE: pictures
I HATE: ignorance
I FEAR: spiders
I HOPE: that i didn't fuck up as badly as i think i did on saturday.
I FEEL: like i should go pee soon.
I LISTEN: to the garbage disposal being turned on in the kitchen
I HIDE: you seek
I DRIVE: too much. and it sucks now that scotty has my car discman. all the joy of driving has been zapped.
I PLAY: mindgames as seldom as possible
I MISS: the dmb kids
I LEARNED: it's harder to fight to be happy than to fall into depression
I KNOW: i need a job
I WAIT: for something to happen. but i don't know what
I NEED: sex
Current Clothes: robe
Current Mood: eh
Current Music: i should really turn some on. how about dmb? ok. :)
Current Taste: morning breath. blech.
Current Hair: messy
Current Annoyance: nada
Current Smell: ew. same morning breath
Current thing I should be Doing: looking for a job
Current Desktop Picture: dave matthews
Current Favorite bands/singers: ugh. um. yeah. all the same...
Current Movie In VCR: bliss. which is pretty much porn, but it's got a "plot."
Current Refreshment: nada
Current Worry: bills that need to be paid with money i really don't have.
Current Crush: i've got like 50.

wow, i'm tired.
and still not able to really process much of anything...the last week, and all it's dmb events and world events(oh, you KNOW i've got thoughts on that)...

the only thing i can think about right now, which pertains to both world events and dmb events, is how over-stocked the world is with self-righteous people. i am so thankful for the wide array of opinions i have around me concerning the war, even if the truth is that i'm more delighted that the majority of people around me feel the same way i do. i feel right now that it's absolutley imperative to spread good vibes and preach love, as cheesy as that sounds. yes, i'd like to have more sex to help enforce this belief, but you know...one thing at a time. ;)

and i am so thankful that once again my dmb crew is as loving and drama-less as it was before the summer tour. it is absolutley frightening just how mutual our adoration for eachother is, and just how effortlessly our way of living together works. i'm so glad things ended up the way they did, and i'm so glad to realize that we have no concern for anything but that which directly effects our own lives. that was the beauty of the initial connection we all made - nothing but love. few groups can truly pull that off, but somehow we all fell into the right space at the right time. gossip in the dmb community can get so out of control, but i've realized just how little i care...because the people who know me know what's up. and the people who don't amuse me with their takes on situations they know nothing about and have molded into stories to fit their opinions of the people involved.

that was a tangent that really stemmed from nothing. but it came out. so i'll leave it.

goodnight.

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm downloading the oakdale show, and i wanted to wait til i had the whole thing to listen. but i decided to cheat and listen to "pay for what you get."

first, i can't believe i fucking saw that song. twice. we had a discussion about how it was never going to be played again the day of the show.

second, i can't believe i fucking saw that song. dave and tim. together. on stage. i was there. this recording is fucking good. i can't believe i saw dave and tim.

everybody asks me how she's doing
since she went away
i said i couldn't tell you
i'm ok


oh god WITH norwegian wood. i'm so with the guy who screams "YES!" when dave sings it. you can tell it was totally involuntarily.

i hope i never loose this groove.

(clench those muscles...)

the seperation anxiety is setting in...

it's hard to live with people you love with all your heart 24 hours a day for 6 days - sleeping, eating, peeing, driving... and then POOF! they're gone again for lord knows how long.

of course, i say that all in my "woe is me life is a tragedy so i'm gonna whine like a girl" voice. i'm too damned tired to actually think about any part of the past week. and WAY too tired to face my mandatory day of adjusting to the "real world" again. but i do know there's nothing like loving and being loved in return. :)

heh. and the shows were real good too.

i'm gonna go attack my bed now, but i'll be back!!!

i haven't smoked a cigarette ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hunter S. Thompson says 9/11 caused a "nationwide nervous breakdown", and let the Bush crowd loot the country and savage American democracy.

==========

From Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in then Final Days of the American Century

by Hunter S. Thompson

Let's face it, the yo-yo president of the U.S.A. knows nothing. He is a dunce. He does what he is told to do, says what he is told to say, poses the way he is told to pose. He is a Fool. This is never an easy thing for the voters of this country to accept. No. Nonsense. The president cannot be a Fool. Not at this moment in time, when the last living vestiges of the American Dream are on the line. This is not the time to have a bogus rich kid in charge of the White House. Which is, after all our house. That is our headquarters, it is where the heart of America lives. So if the president lies and acts giddy about other people's lives, if he wantonly and stupidly endorses mass murder as a logical plan to make sure we are still Number One, he is a Jackass by definition. A loud and meaningless animal with no functional intelligence and no balls. To say that this goofy child president is looking more and more like Richard Nixon in the summer of 1974 would be a flagrant insult to Nixon. Whoops! Did I say that? Is it even vaguely possible that some New Age Republican whore-beast of a false president could actually make Richard Nixon look like a Liberal?

The capacity of these vicious assholes we elected to be in charge of our lives for four years to commit terminal damage to our lives and our souls and our loved ones is far beyond Nixon's. Shit! Nixon was the creator of many of the once-proud historical landmarks that these dumb bastards are savagely destroying now: the Clean Air Act of 1970; Campaign Finance Reform; the endangered species act; opening a Real-Politik dialogue with China; and on and on. The prevailing quality of life in America, by any accepted methods of measuring, was inarguably freer and more politically open under Nixon than it is today in this evil year of Our Lord 2002.

The Boss was a certified monster who deserved to be impeached and banished. He was a truthless creature of former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, a foul human monument to corruption and depravity on a scale that dwarfs any other public official in American history. But Nixon was at least smart enough to understand why so many honorable patriotic U.S. citizens despised him. He
was a Liar. The truth was not in him. Nixon believed, as he said many times, that if the president of the United States does it, it can't be illegal. But Nixon never understood the much higher and meaner truth of Bob Dylan's warning that "To live outside the law you must be honest. The difference between an outlaw and a war criminal is the difference between a pedophile and a Pederast: The pedophile is a person who thinks about sexual behavior with children, and the Pederast does these things. He lays hands on innocent children, he penetrates them and changes their livesforever. Being the object of a pedophile's warped affections is a Routine
feature of growing up in America, and being a victim of a Pederast's crazed "love" is part of dying. Innocence is no longer an option. Once penetrated, the child becomes a Queer in his own mind, and that is not much different than murder. Richard Nixon crossed that line when he began murdering foreigners in the name of "family values", and George Bush crossed it when he sneaked into office and began killing brown-skinned children in the name of Jesus and the American people.

When Muhammad Ali declined to be drafted and forced to kill "gooks" in Vietnam he said, "I ain't got nothing against them Viet Cong. No Cong ever called me Nigger." I agreed with him, according to my own personal ethics and values. He was Right. If we all had a dash of Muhammad Ali's eloquent courage, this country and the world would be a better place today because of it. Okay. That's it for now. Read it and weep.

See you tomorrow, folks. You haven't heard the last of me. I am the one who speaks for the spirit of Freudian and decency in you. Shit. Somebody has to do it. We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the whole world, a nation of bullies and bastards who would rather kill than live peacefully. We are not just Whores for power and oil, but killer whores with hate and fear in our hearts. We are human scum, and that is how history will judge us. No redeeming social value. Just whores. Get out of our way, or we'll kill you.

Well, shit on that dumbness. George W. Bush does not speak for me or my son or my mother or my friends or the people I respect in this world. We didn't vote for these cheap, greedy little killers who speak for America today, and will not vote for them again in 2002. Or 2004. Or ever.

Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having all this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush? They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are the racists and hate mongers among us, they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis.

And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them.

don gave me a box of these ThermaCare Theraputic HeatWraps things last night. they're these pads you wrap around your lower back, that release all kinds of heat. much better than a heating pad, because it doesn't get too hot. it's got these...black pad thingies within the pad that start to warm up whenthey're exposed to air.

anyway, it's supposed to give 8 hours of heat. i put this puppy on before i went to bed last night around 2, and now it's 11 and it's still very very warm.

love it!

well. i've been doing really well at not thinking about my upcoming trip. the whole scenario reminds me of cville actually...
i remember arriving at dulles, and matias picking me up, and i was just out of control excited. and he said something to the effect of "i guess i just can't think about it because once i do, it'll be out of control..."

and i completely understand that now. i haven't been thinking about seeing dave and tim and seeing all of my loves because i knew i'd go insane just waiting. and now, even though i'm less than 48 hours from arriving in hartford, it's still too much for me to think about.

but i've had a lot of red wine, and i keep getting glimpses of it.

there's seeing joyce, who i haven't seen since last april. i wonder what her haircut looks like. and then there's scotty, who i've grown incredibly close to - i swear to god we talk on the phone at least once a day, if not more. then huffy's arriving...and i don't think words can even express my love for that guy. i've seen him a lot in the past few months, more than anyone else, but i just can't get enough. then jen and matias will arrive...god knows i'm gonna be anxious as hell waiting for them. matias, who makes me laugh more than just about anyone alive. and jen who is such a dear friend, who i only saw three times last year, and with whom i somehow have this incredible esp thing going on. i haven't seen them since august! and then there's mel...i can't even describe what that kid means to me. i think i'm focusing on a reunion with him the least, because it's going to be so good, and i'm afraid it's gonna make me rethink my decision to stay in tucson. and then there's lenelle, who i've spent so little time with, but who has been there through so much. i haven't seen her since nye 2001.

finally, there's a really good chance i'll be seeing nate. and that's something i can't think about at all. because who knows if it'll actually happen(fucking military). but come on now. if i used the term best friend for anyone other than colin, he'd probably get that title. and seeing him, after all that's happened since the last time i saw him in both of our lives, and after all that's going on in the world...would just be really fucking special.

(can you tell i adore my friends?)

then there's dave and tim. the only thing i can compare it to is seeing "pig" live. i really never thought it'd happen. and then it did. and still, the comparison doesn't even hold that well, because seeing dave and tim is what i considered to be such a huge pipe dream...and it's coming true! and there are so many little additions to that thought...what will they play? what stories will dave tell? what will the vibe be like in that venue when they come on stage for the first time in FOUR years? after no one thought it'd ever happen again? that, my friends, is insanity.

once again, i find myself reveling in the fact that i have got to be the luckiest girl alive.

here's to!

i know i dreamed you
a sin and a lie
i have my freedom
but i don't have much time
faith has been broken
tears must be cried
let's do some living
after we die

a little while ago, i blogged about this family i used to babysit for. i was wondering about the kids(there were 3) and remembering the parents...

well, the parents were at the party on friday night. it was SO good to see them. i probably stopped babysitting for them when i was 15 or 16, and i've been thinking quite a bit about the kids lately, just wondering how old they are and such. well, the oldest, who was in 6th or 7th grade last i saw her, is now a senior and applying to colleges. the middle is a freshman. and the little boy who i started sitting when he was 7 months is now 10!!!!

aah!

it was just so weird to think about, and to catch up on. the mom hasn't changed one bit. the dad is a lot more gray, and doesn't look as much like george clooney as i remember. at all. and he also seems...shorter. thing is, when they'd come home after a night out, i always thought he was drunk because he just gives off that vibe. he'd sweep me up, and start ballroom dancing with me in their living room, and the drives home were always entertaining. i figured out friday night though that he wasn't drunk - he's just like that. a very warm, alive, friendly guy who just can't help but express himself. he was laughing at me, commenting on how shy i used to be. ah, what growing up does to you.


it was just really really good to see them. the mom is such a wonderful lady. they both just crack me up. and they want me to stop by and see the kids sometime, which i've actually thought of doing a lot lately. kara and taylor remember me, but i'm sure fletcher wouldn't even have a clue. 10 years old! good god. i wouldn't even recognize him. i remember kara and how angsty she used to be...7th grade, dealing with mean boys. she was so gawky and had these huge glasses, and she was always asking me for advice. as her mom said "kara's pretty now!" which kinda made me laugh. taylor was always a beautiful little girl. absolutley stunning. i could tell she was gonna be a tall one from the time she was 5. apparently now she's 5'10".

anyway.

it made me really happy to catch up. i can still remember when i was in 6th grade, and they called me up and talked to me about how they wanted their kids to grow up with one main babysitter...and so i was that person for many years. very cool.

oh. and i forgot to mention that my mom does a mean version of "white rabbit." it's hilarious.

i think i've forgotten how to breathe.

but that's neither here nor there.

my mom had her 11th annual st. patty's day party last night. it was quite the production. wen ended up going through 12 gallons of margaritas, one keg and about 15 bottles of wine. and that was just the booze that my mom provided(it was b.y.o.b.). we also went through 50 pounds of shredded beef, way too much green chili salsa, about 30 dozen tortillas, 2 salmons, and bunches of crab puffs, crab stuffed tomatos, meatballs, chicken skewers, cream puffs, fruit, veggies, AWESOME artichoke dip, a ridiculous amount of guacamole...

and it was a really good time. she always hires a dj that does "shameless kareoke," and it's always highly amusing to watch people sing songs like "girls just wanna have fun" and "i left my heart in san francisco." once a group of my friends got here, we did "dancing queen." then i thought it'd be funny to do "like a virgin" just because we were clearly the only younguns present. and finally shelly and i screamed out a version of garth's "ain't goin down."

my mom made it a fundraiser this year for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. I'm very curious to find out how much was raised. we figure about 130 people showed up.

god, she even had vallet.

my mom really does have a fun group of friends. it's a very diverse bunch, and they all know how to have a good time. i guess i know where i get it from.

anyway. went over to jane's afterwards, where i ended up in a fucking terrible mood. i haven't had a temper that short in...well, my whole life i guess. so i decided to leave and spare them all. greg spent the night here, because he's a neat freak and jane's house doesn't really meet his expectations, and fuckin' a can that boy snore. i really have no clue how much sleep i got. ended up passing out this afternoon on don's big purple couch.

i can't believe i'm leaving in 3 days.

i was doing my semi-regular check over here to see how mary ellen is doing. and for some reason, this time it made me cry. i was reading through the messages left, and they all took my breath away. i'm not going to say she's someone who left a massive impact on my life, because our meeting was very brief, but she definitely left an imprint. maybe it was the way she wore that beautiful skirt...

here's to making a commitment to keeping her in my thoughts more often.

I think this is absolutley fantastic.


Hippie Crap Saves The World
Can better orgasms and upping your personal vibe really thwart BushCo idiocy?
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, February 28, 2003
©2003 SF Gate

URL:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2003/02/28/notes022803.DTL&nl=fix


Wanna know what conservatives really hate?

What makes everyone from harmless GOP dittoheads to ultra-right-wing nutjobs full of rage and hiss and homophobia and blind jingoism roll their eyes and throw up their hands and scamper for their Bibles for assurance that life is still repressed and we're still going to war and Dubya is still smackin' 'round the envurment along with them wimmin and homosekshuls and furriners?

Why, hippie crap, of course. New-age babble about love and peace and godless pagan prayer, organic foods and sustainable trees and chakras, divinity and luscious goddesses and soul paths and upping your personal vibration to counter all the venomous hatred slinging about the culture like some sort of conservative, fearmongering weapon of mass depression. Man, they just hate that.

The incessant drive to war, the blank-eyed young soldiers, the drab oil fields, the terse U.N. debates, Rumsfeld's ink-black eyes, the violence and 9/11 and Osama in hiding, Saddam's sneering and Shrub's smirking and Dick Cheney's defibrillator cranking on 11 -- these events are considered "real," they are tangible and raw and ugly and happening right now and we've got the pictures to prove it, all over the media, grainy and grim and mean, CNN and Fox News and frowning pundits and 100-point newspaper headlines, so you know it must be true.

Then there's you, walking through your daily life right now, eating and laughing and screwing and paying rent and thinking for yourself, filtering the onslaught and trying to remain connected to something divine and universal and authentic, all while straining to put this national trend toward violence and warmongering into some sort of acceptable frame.

You are not "real" in this same way. This is the feeling. Your experience is somehow irrelevant; what you do and how you maneuver this daily treachery is an insignificant side note to the big ugly daily political machinations because hey, it's war. It's the Big Boys. Angry White Men with very serious penis issues. All that matters is the machine, and the money, and the oil, and the WMD and the drumbeat rhetoric.

Which is, of course, utter BS. Here is what conservatives hate most: the idea that you really can, and do, make a difference. That you, hopefully working to align yourself with something deeper and more informed and perhaps not exactly Christian, or corporate, not exactly lockstep mainstream flag-waving God-fearing asexual consumer drone, you can affect the world, directly, right now, in ways you might not even realize, in ways that make them tremble and wince, in how much you laugh and love and eat and sleep and screw and breathe and in how deeply you penetrate into the soul's raison d'etre. But you gotta work at it. And it ain't easy. See? Fluffy new-age crap. They really hate that.

Here is the great fallacy of the American ethos, the one that powers SUV purchases and spawns a billion McDonald's franchises and gun purchases and Adam Sandler movies: it is the notion that Americans exist in a freewheelin' vacuum, that our daily choices don't, in fact, affect the world, and our neighbors, and our children, and the environment and our own bodies.

It is the idea that those very choices -- foods you eat, cars you drive, shows you watch, personal relations you have, waste you create, choices you make -- can't, in a very real and immediate way, erode your divine links, spit on your spiritual spark, taint your mystical meat. Every single one, every single time.

In other words, in buying that gun, smacking that child, abusing that spouse, screaming at that neighbor, buying that thuggish SUV, supporting that war, wishing death upon all them damn furriners, you may think you're exercising your God-given all-'Murkin right to do/say/drive whatever the hell you want because you're an American goddammit and no one will tell you how to live so back off.

Not quite. Rather, you are also injecting a deliberate dose of bitter bile straight into the cultural bloodstream, actually -- and
quite literally -- lowering the general vibration of the human collective cause, casting your vote for small-mindedness and
solipsism and violence. Yep, you are. And yes indeed, your vote counts.

Here is the gist: The world consists of energy, billions of swirling masses of it contained in living vessels -- that's you -- and aimed out to the world, often radiating at random, intermingling, interacting, often uncontrolled and unaware, an enormous dizzying gorgeous complex kaleidoscopic organism of human interaction and interplay. We are abuzz. We are electric. We possess actual psychic and electromagnetic force. Duh. It's a fact.

It comes down to simple physics. Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive. War begets war, peace begets peace, Britney begets Christina begets N'Sync begets People magazine begets "Joe Millionaire" begets 10 million Prozac prescriptions begets a billion dumbed-down mind-sets, embittered souls. In a nutshell.

ShrubCo blindly steers the nation like a giant careening Hummer toward the history-mauling notion of preemptive violence, of
attacking anyone who might somehow threaten the U.S. even before such a threat is tangible. He beats the war drum, staffs his administration with enough hawks to start 1,000 wars, slams the environment, cuts women's rights, etcetera and so on -- this all turns that swirling mass of energy that much more dark, vicious, angry, dumb.

And the world begins to follow. The culture darkens, people run scared, reactionary, depressed. The negative feeds upon itself, the tide turns, you are hit more and more frequently with that overwhelming feeling that we are in dire and ugly and powder-keg times, worse than ever, emotionally raw, politically appalling, spiritually hollow. Sound familiar?

Whereas notions of peace, individual thought, reason, simple acts of attuned mindfulness, of buying products and foods that sustain the planet, of making really good messy enthusiastic generous love, of regular laughter in the face of scowling Ashcroft or Cheney's corporate henchmen, of reading deeply and recalling wisdom people like the Dalai Lama talk about all the time -- these things literally up your anima's vibration, add positive energy back in, turn the collective volume back up.

That postcoital buzz? That post-party feel-good vibe? That genuine laughter? That gratuitously kind thing you did for that stranger? That celebration of your body and your sex and love and spirit in spite of mainstream religious puling and finger wagging? That deep meditative solitude? Bingo. That's the vibe you want. That's the vibe we all need. That's the vibration that makes all the difference.

But it's also the one that takes serious work and determination and you gotta do it every single day and it can only come from you. This sort of luminous divine power is messy and raw and hot and attaining more of it can be the most difficult thing you've ever done. But really, what else is there?

Look. Mystics and healers and sages and scientists and philosophers across the spiritual spectrum have known it for millennia: More advanced and enlightened souls -- and cultures -- vibrate at a higher level, a more bright and rigorous pitch. It's true. Bliss and joy and notions of peace and healing and laughter and personal choice, these things crank up the vibe. War and angst and fear and self-fulfilling prophecies of war and preemptive strikes and Jenna Bush, these things slam it down.

So then. You want to really annoy the conservative warmongering powers that be? Work your ass off to pump up the vibration. It's deeply personal. It's hard work. It means re-evaluating what you do and how you do it and how you treat others, the planet, what you buy and what you eat. It means learning. And it also means loving harder, more raw and real, minimal BS, minimal waste, figuring out true messy ugly slippery gorgeous divinity for yourself, on your own terms, and then sharing it with the world.

Man, they really hate that.

figures that david gray and jack are coming to phoenix the same week as the northwest dmb shows.

and of course you know who wins that battle.

waking up and immediately being bombarded with war this and war that really kills the bliss leftover from last night. i mean, it's my choice to read news headlines and such. but it's seeped into every forum i frequent. really the only things i look at online that don't involve war talk are blogs... and i can't say that i want the discussion to stop, but...i've been on the verge of anxiety attacks several times lately. so i know i need to get away from it...but that's really hard.

god bless dave matthews, though, for speaking out. he's got fans that are going to be pissed off if his stance is clear during the upcoming shows, but i really don't care. i think it's so important for public figures to show that they're not apathetic. whether they're for or against, it's really up to the artists of a generation to put views out there.

"I'm very scared at this point in our history. There's this idea going on in our administration that one plus one equals ten. Or five times two equals one. I have no idea how they've come up with the concept that if we get into a conflict with Iraq that any of the results that they're anticipating will come to pass. I think, in fact, it's so obvious to me that I think they have to know that fighting Iraq will make al Qaeda stronger. And that turmoil is somehow, sinisterly something that they want. That unbalance. I don't see how you can look at the world right now and say destroying Iraq, what's left there to destroy, is going to in any way strengthen our position in the Middle East."
-dave matthews

trust me, though. i do get away from it. yet another fantastic monday night under my belt. it seems like every time we go, we end up talking to one or two kick ass people, and find a new excuse for having a party the upcoming friday night.

i won't worry my life away...

it's when you cry just a little
but you laugh in the middle
that you've made it

just downloaded and listened to a version of "brace yourself" howie did with tori's drummer and bassist at some recent show.

orgasmic.

good lord.

good article.

i suppose i could blog about the past few days...my weekend...but really, it's the same thing as usual. not that i'm complaining about that, because i happen to like my weekend activities, but i just feel it's redundant. so many little things happen that are fucking hilarious, but when it all comes down to it...

i'm still on a tequila binge. think it might stop now though, cuz i came real close to unhapiness saturday morning. not a big fan.
i still need sex.
i'm still unemployed.
danced my ass off last night. glad to know i've still got it in me.
i'm still trying not to think about going to see dave and tim and the rest of mis amigos next week.
and the world is still a very scary place to be living in. i mean, my own little self-centered haven feels pretty cozy, but i take a look at what's going on, and it gets worse and worse. and i think the scariest part of that is that even i am becoming desensitized to it. i thikn i bypassed feeling hopeless entirely and am just ready to live it up. i've no clue what's going to happen in the next few months. it's more than my brain can handle. so i guess my goal is now to stay informed but try not to let it get to me.

and if there's anyone who can pull a move like that, it's me.

mraz is gonna be at bonnaroo :)

i guess there's a positive...

it's looking like when the world officially goes to shit, i'll be with my loves back east. we'll just get drunk on life(and other things) and try to block it out for a while.

oh, love it's a brittle madness
i sing about it in all my sadness
it's not falsified to say that i found god
so inevitably well
it still exists
pale and fine, i can't dismiss
and i won't resist and if i die well at least i tried

and we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
and pour over everything we say we trust
it happened again, i listened in thru hallways and thin doors
where the rivers unwind, rust and the rain endure
the rust and rain so thin
and i'm in like flynn again

so go on place your order now cause some other time is right around the clock
you can stand in line
it finally begins just around the clock
you can have your pick if your stomach is sick whether you eat or not
and there is just one thing that i almost forgot

see you and me
and we just lay awake in lust
and rust in the rain
and pour over everything we say we trust
it happened again
i listened in thru hallways and thin doors
where the rivers unwind, the rivers unwind so easy
these are the comforts that be

you see well i'm feeling lucky
oh well, maybe that's just me
you should be proud of me oh hell if you could only see
how we're gonna grow on up to be, ah yes
we are thick as thieves

oh love it's a brittle madness, i sing about it in all my sadness
it's not falsified to say that i found god
inevitably, well it still exists pale and fine i can't dismiss
and I won't resist and if i die well at least i tried

and we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
and pour over everything we say we trust
it happened again
i listened in thru hallways and thin doors
where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure

the rust and the rain endure, i'm sure

because i'm insofar to know the measure of love isn't lost

love will never ever be insofar to know the measure of love ain't lost
love will never ever be lost on me

love will never ever be lost on me

hmmmm.

have i mentioned lately that i'm in love with jason mraz?

well, just in case you don't believe me yet, there you have it again.

i am scared to death of that fucking rat movie, "willard" that is coming out sometime soon. it just doesnt appeal to me at all! that guy scares me!

so i leave my computer, and when i come backl, what do i find? a pop-up ad for the damned thing with psycho-looking guy on it.

boo!

ooh. talking about oral sex on dr. phil. oral sex and teens. hm. might have to watch this one.

ah! teens are out of control!

"abstinence is on the rise" my ass.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/mideast/kiesling.asp

http://discover.npr.org/rundowns/rundown.jhtml?prgDate=03/04/2003&prgId=2 (for this one, scroll down to the bit about american anxiety.)


i had dreams last night. really vivid vampire dreams. not so calming. i woke up hardly able to breathe. and the thing is, i'm not really sure what spurred them. what's going on in the world...my money situation...wanting to move out...or the fact that the entired damned dmb tour was just announced...or all of the above.

i'm in a fantastic mood, i just feel like there's a weight on my chest preventing me from breathing correctly.

or maybe that's all the cigarettes i smoked last night.

sex.

so i'm watching this mtv special on the 19 or whatever degrees of real world/road rules hook ups...

and it's reminding me quite a lot of the dmb community. people in a semi-unique social group, from all around, who share this one experience...

this could get deep, yo. ;)

we lay awake in lust
and rust in the rain
and cover up everything we say we trust

god. this mraz kid. killin me.

anyway.

i went to see the vagina monologues last night. it was paul's idea(love him). and aden came with(love him). it was absolutley fantastic. i really want to read them again, because i don't know that there was a single moment i didn't love. i left feeling really energetic and smiling. we laughed our asses off - i really think aden laughed louder than anyone in the room, and it wasn't out of embarassment. it was fun to sit and talk with him about all of it on the way home. he was truly enlightened.

as was i...
i don't think i'm a particularly repressed female; i'll admit pretty freely that i'm a big fan of my vagina. i think it's great. but to be in an atmosphere like that was quite empowering. i feel pretty strongly that everyone should be required to see this show at least once in their lives...for the comedy, for the insanity of it, for the more serious moments and really to just be opened to your own sexuality(or your girlfriends, as the case may be). it wasn't a bunch of girls doing male bashing. i mean, sure, there were the typical snide remarks "SLOW DOWN" or references to the search for a good man...

and you know me. not a big fan of the female gender. but i think a large part of what annoys me so much about my gender are the insecurities and neurosis that emerge from the insane sexual repression that takes place in our society. girls are made to feel ashamed of their sexuality. and that's such bullshit. amazing things would happen in the world if women would just masturbate more(or admit that they do it). being aware of yourself is priceless.

hm.

anyway. yeah. so. vagina monologues. check them out sometime.

i just wrote the most amazing journal entry i have ever written. i'm so fucking proud of myself right now. and wanting to go run outside in the middle of the night...just run and feel the cold wind on my face and smile...


and it was all spurred by a song. a song that i posted here a while back, but that just hit me on the way home. so i'm gonna post the words again. because this song has just worked its way into it's eternal position in my heart.

you & i
(jason mraz)

was it you who spoke the words
that things would happen but not to me
things are gonna happen naturally
and taking your advice
i'm looking on the bright side
and balancing the whole thing
and often times those words get tangled up in lines
and the bright light turns to night
until the dawn it brings another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

because you and i both loved
what you and i spoke of
and others only dream of the love that i love

see i'm all about them words
over numbers, unencumbered, numbered words
hundreds of pages, pages, pages fowards
more words than i had ever heard and i feel so alive

because you and i both loved
what you and i spoke of
and others only read of and if you could see me now
now you and i you and i
not so little you and i any more
and with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the story of a boy


you and i both loved what you and i spoke of
and other just read of
and if you could see me now well then i'm almost out of
well i'm almost finally finally
well i am free

and it's ok if you had to go away
oh just remember the telephones, well they're working them both ways
but if i never ever hear them ring
if nothing else, i'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else
and that's ok
cuz i remember everything you sang

cuz you and i both love
what you and i spoke of
and others just read of
and if you could see me now
well then i'm almost finally out of words


this song is SO GOOD! i recommend buying his cd just for it(though the rest is fantastic as well.) go to best buy. it's $9.99.

anyway. i'm really excited about this song. it all just makes so much sense and sent me on this huge bout of self exploration, and soulmate exploration and...yeah. good stuff.

ok, listen folks.

if you're gonna read this thing and judge me, fine. if you're gonna read this thing, judge me, and then let it influence how you interact with me and who you think i am, shove it up your ass. if you're going to read this and think that it can substitute for communicating with me to see what's really going on in my life, again: shove it up your ass. i don't care how close we are.

this is an online journal. it is where i write about things that i don't feel like talking about sometimes. of course it is self centered. of course things can seem petty. but that's exactly what it's here for. it doesn't cover the complications in my life or the hardships. why? because i don't think this is the forum for that. usually the things that happen in my life that are truly difficult stay with me. you might get a glimpse of it here. if you want to get into my history with me, strike up a conversation, i'm game. but do not think that because you read this, and i post a lot, that you have the slightest clue what's going on in my every day life. reading this is not a substitute for a friendship.


and do NOT tell me that my life is easy and that i need to join the real world because you read here about my exploits in partying and listening to music. you haven't got a clue what exactly has gone on in my life to make me who i am. trust me, you just don't.

oh my god, i'm going to new york.

oh my god, i'm going to new york.

oh.
my.
god.

i've found my third soulmate. :)