One term paper down(I expect no more than a C on it. Aim high, Amanda! Aim high!)
Two essays to go
Two finals to go

I think this is my least pressure-ful finals season yet. Excellent.

I had a blast last night old school stylE. with jack, maggie and edward scissormatt. we got pretty damned goofy, as is evidenced by matt's new nickname - which he came up with himself, mind you. earlier in the night, he had said matt scissorhands, but as the room got smokier and smokier, he somehow slipped into the edward scissormatt groove.

i'm starting to freak a little bit at the prospect of this summer. what in the hell am i going to do? jack's leaving. fucking sod. leslie's leaving. damned bitch. yeah, i still have a whole shitload of friends who will be here...but...well, i guess i really just need to suck it up and get a job.

UGH.
words cannot express how badly i want out of this town. not to say i'm unhappy at all, i'm just ready to MOVE ON. but there we go with school again, cramping my style...

ew. no more thinking about summer.


anyone got any suggestions on where i could transfer that wouldn't cost a crackload?

a crackload?

oh, yes, a crackload.

Get online just now to discover that they covered phish's "waste."

wow.

this song...god. so many extremely powerful memories attached to it.

lucky bastards who were there.

Don't wanna be an actor
Pretending on the stage
Don't wanna be a writer
With my thoughts out on the page
Don't wanna be a painter
Cuz everyone comes to look
Don't wanna be anything
Where my life's an open book
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through

If I could be
Wasting my time
With you

Don't wanna be a farmer
Working in the sun
Don't wanna be an outlaw
Always on the run
Don't wanna be a climber
Reachin for the top
Don't wanna be anything
Where I don't know when to stop
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through

If I could be
Wasting my time
With you

So if I'm inside your head
Don't believe what you might have read
You'll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

So if I'm inside your head
Don't believe what you might have read
You'll see what I might have said
To hear it

Come waste your time with me
Come waste your time with me

right now i'm at this point where all i am doing is wasting time until my next string of shows starts. i'm keeping myself busy as all hell. granted, i do actually have a lot to do, but i can't let myself start thinking about the 7 shows i have at the end of may, because then time will start slowing down again...and we can't have that!

so today i was going to work on my term paper for that damned astronomy class that i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail. but i just got a message from my mom, and she wants to do a movie and dinner. that sounds a bit more appealing.

better yet - maybe i can get her to go look for a couch with me. i really need a couch. and then i can finish decorating...oh the joy!

hung out with my "highschool" boys last night. i went over to use paul's scanner, which wasn't working, and ended up spending a good portion of the night with them. hot damn, they crack me up. finally found some phoenix tickets for a few of them, so spirits were high. and then i got them high. which was highly amusing.

how is this
hate so deep
lead us all so blindly
killing, killing
fools are we
if hate's the gate to peace...

yes, it is going to be a BTCS day.

hmm. nick called at 4 this morning apparently.

it's so strange...i thought about him multiple times every day for so many years. and now...he lives in the same complex, he calls all the time, we get along great...and i think about him less than ever before.

it's actually pretty fucking nice.

he still amazes the hell out of me, but so do so many other people in my life. every time we've gotten close, he's flipped his shit in some way shape or form. so...screw it. i'm moving on.

don't drink the water, yo.

it's been a fucking great day.

:)

goodnight.

random thought: when i try to visualize a person's face, it's very rare that i can do it. i guess i just don't have a visually-oriented mind or something. no to say that i don't know what my friends look like, i just can't visualize their features well in my mind's eye or whatever.

once in a blue moon, i meet someone who's face sticks in my mind perfectly. i can see it clearly - the way the light was hitting their face at a given moment in time, their expression...

i love it when that happens.

make a mess of me
i'll dance a thousand steps for you
if you say yes to me
i'll be whatever gets you through

wasting the day away at matias's office. my plane doesn't leave until 6PM. damn that cancled second show.

ooooh.
i can hear "so right" through his headphones...

flashback to saturday night.

it's happening again. everytime i sit down to write about the weekend either here or in my journal, i end up sitting back staring into space.

here is not the right place for me to recount all the details. for several reasons. but, i will say that the concert was absolutley amazing. i started reading reviews along with nancies mail and those people can pretty much shove it up their asses. and i say that with as much love as possible. :) i can't argue that the show kicked ass to someone who thought otherwise - because they quite clearly did not have a good time. but good LAWD. i went in with no expectations, and came out totally awed once again that 5 people were on stage making that music.

"sleep to dream her" was the only song on everyday that i really hadn't bonded with. i always skipped it. but they launched into it saturday night, and after my initial surprise subsided, i was completely entranced by it. the song was absolutley mesmorizing, and i couldn't tear my eyes away. haven't been caught up quite like that at a concert...well, can't say as i ever have. and it went straight into "grace is gone" which really didn't hurt either.

i have no complaints about the show(other than the 2 people who had to be dragged out of my row because they were passed out, dead to the world. this made me miss most of astb, which really irked me.). i was hugely impressed with the presentation of all of the new songs, and even more impressed with the fact that they stuck by everyday as an album, rather than wussing out and only playing old stuff due to the insane amount of whining that has gone on about what i do consider to be an extremely tight album. hey - it ain't no Before These Crowded Streets, but i've yet to find a cd that IS comparable to that.

ooooooh. and the way dave was swingin' his hips at the end of When the World Ends...that is an image that will be forever burned in my mind.

the whole weekend was phenomenal. i cannot get over just how absolutley amazing the people in this community are. everyone is so completely different, and there's this one bond that ties us together. it blows my mind. i'm experiencing this thirst to get to know all about these people that have been in my life for such a short time - and DAMN it feels good. i've always been so passionate about getting to know people, but that was taken away from me for a long time. good god, who knows. maybe i'll even learn to trust again...

eew. that could be messy.

sure to be more later...

i'm back.

well, not really. still in VA, but the weekend is over and Charlottesville has become a memory.

i'm attempting to let everything that happened sink in. it's not going too well, so i'm going to go pass out.

god.
what a good fucking trip...

hello.
my name is amanda.
i leave in 2 and a half hours.

ahem.

*abandoning the blog before hyperspastic convulsions start up again*

i got a really good backrub last night.

but i'm pretty sure my spine is bruised now, because it's pretty damned sore. i bruise too easily.

and i've been awake since 7.30. i've had issues before with excitement and not being able to sleep in the day of something because my brain is on overdrive. but i've never had it happen for the three days leading up to the event.

i leave in 25 hours and 15 minutes.

so i'm listening to 12/17/00 while cleaning.

and then i realize HEY! today is 4/17. that means it's been exactly four months since the philly show(for those of you who couldn't have figured that out for yourselves...just tryin to make things easy on you...). god, the crowd at this show sounds like they're on something. i love it when that happens. :)

i have had a smile on my face since that trip. i've said it before, and i'll say it again: the last minute decision to fly out for that show was the single best decision of my life. i cannot even begin to fathom where i would be right now if i hadn't gotten on that plane.

would you like to play
with the thought of a friend in a distant passing stage
while you're lying around
with your hands up and out
so resigned you will fall down
while you around here play
while on the warm and far away
while you around here play the days
keep scribbling themselves in tiny lines...

i'm gonna have to take a moment here.

i just realized that october 10th was 6 months ago.

wow. that's a long fucking time.

g'night.

it has been the strangest day.

can't quite explain why, it just has.

i am so in love with life right now, it's really getting ridiculous. i'm driving up this winding road today, up by the mountains, windows down and dmb blasting so loudly that i can't hear myself sing. it was gorgeous outside, and...well i really got caught up in it! driving around with this huge shit eating grin on my face. i am leaving in TWO DAYS.

on the way over to jack's tonight, same scenario: driving along with my windows down, music blaring, same shit eating grin on my face...when suddenly there's a couple with a baby in a stroller who decides to cross this 6 lane street right in front of me. the guy in front of me slammed on his breaks, and i swear to you i came centimeters from hitting him.

but i didn't. so i just kept on smilin' and singin' and passed right on by.

that is sick.

lol

a whole bunch of maddness occurred over at jack's, and not all of it pleasant. in fact, there were a few times where i was completely displeased with what was going on. but oh well. things are all working out for the best as far as my friends go...there's just a lot of change going on right now.

hah. things have been changing at a pretty constant rate around here for the past...well, no. i can pinpoint it. october 10. that was the day.

ok. now i sound cryptic.

anyway. tonight i was left with a bit of a headache.

but, uh, you see, i'm going to cville this weekend. the tour starts in 5 days. so who the hell really fucking cares what the hell went on tonight? it's aaaaaaall good. :)

excellent outlook, i must say.

so. colin is my best friend. been that way for years and years. he goes to school at university of chicago. i really think that's why we are still best friends, because truth be told, he gets on my nerves a little when he comes back for summer. but whatever - i love that boy to pieces.

point being that colin and i are completely uncompatible romantically. he's a jock. i'm...well...not! i don't think i've ever been so unattracted someone who is reasonably "attractive" before.

so yesterday at lunch, my mom starts pulling this whole "i think you and colin will end up together eventually" thing. i cannot even express how annoyed this makes me. i can't get defensive, because it then looks like denial. but...dear god. i have such issues with people telling me i'm going to fall in love with my guy friends. all of my good friends are guys. we are very close, and at times even intimate. but colin and i have never done ANYTHING, and i wish people would respect that. ew. he's like my brother. just...ugh. not to mention i think i know who i'm compatible with. and there's really no way in hell colin could ever give me the mental stimulation i need.

hah. that sounds pretty damned stupid! oh well! my blog!

ok. i'll end that mini rant right now.

staring at a picture on my computer of john and i.

ouch. just...DAMN. that's just fucking painful.

we take such damned good pictures together. such a shame...

on a lighter note: milk and cereal bars are NOT good for you. i don't care if they do have a filling "made with real milk." and it's not like we're talking healthy cereal here, either. cinnamon toast crunch.

i once had marigolds for eyes
that seemed to fade on sunny days
when it's cold as the rain outside
well then so am i
so when it comes down, you'll know
i'm with you

how could i show you
it feels good to know
it feels good to know you

we once had oceans left to fly
now the trees and the river have parted ways
when it seems like the phone has died
well then so have i

so when it comes down
you'll know
i'm with you

how could i show you
it feels good to know
it feels good to know you
and how will you know?

you storm from a small thin line
we're torn from the old frame
when there's no one here to pull you back again

so when it comes down
you'll know
you'll know

helena's pulled to the ground
should've known soon she would come down
words were the first thing to go
the light they would never show

how will you know?
how do i show you?
how can i show you?

~Life in Rain
Remy Zero

i had forgotten about that song. well, i forgot...and then i remembered long enough to include it on a cd i sent to a friend, and then today my mind was refreshed again when i learned that howie day does a cover of it. i've never listened to howie day apart from over the phone a few times, but i've been told i'll adore him by people who have my musical tastes pegged. and now i'm dying to hear it. that song blows my mind.

things i love:

~"oh my git! you said gotcah!"

~john lyrics like these...

you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon

you win, i'm whipped
it's all your fault that i am

~emails from an old friend studying abroad

~late night phone calls

~the thrill of getting to know someone new

~my highschool boys(friends from highschool, not to be confused with highschool AGED boys)

~nik(not to be confused with niCk)

~the fact that countdown to cville is officially less than a week

~jiodsfjaifjdsiwrijafewiojfewjiofiojgenokgoiag(that's for you, shayna)

~they love to tell you
stay inside the lines
but something's better
on the other side

~my bed

~mixed berry chapstick

~hot showers

~waking up in an excellent mood, despite the fact that i feel like i've been hit by a train

~walking into a party, and immediatley being dubbed a bad influence as i make people do multiple flaming dr. pepper's with me. (boys puke too easily)

back to you
it always comes around
back to you
i try to forget you
i try to stay away
but it's too late

over you
i'm never over
over you
there's something about you
it's just the way you move
the way you move me

i'm so good i forget it
and i quit every game i played
but forgive me love
i can't turn and walk away
not this way

back to you
it always comes around
back to you
i walk with your shadow
i'm sleepin in my bed
with your sillouette

yeah, should've smiled in that picture
if it's the last that i'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

i will
leave the light on
leave it on

leave the light on
for me too
for me too
for me too

back to you
i know that it comes
back to me
doesn't it scare you
your will is not as strong
as it
used to be

i'm swimming in a sea of faces
trying to find my way to you
but it's no use
in a crowded room
when everybody wants you

i am having such issues right now you would not even believe it.

cannot sleep.

and i actually have to be up in the morning...

i made kim a mix cd of some essential dmb songs. she already has 2/24/95 and 4/6/94, so i had to fill in some blanks. i'm so damned excited that she's going to albuquerque and phoenix with me. we're gonna have a blast. it'll be so nice to have someone who i see on a regular basis around for a few shows - it's equally nice to have someone around who shares in my random hyperspastic moments of anticipation.

so anyway...last night, jack and i listened to said cd. there were other people around, but we were the only ones paying attention(until kim got there.). can i just say how much i love jack's willpower? all we listen to anymore at his house is dmb, reguardless of who is around, and it's making for some great moments.

last night, everyone was sitting, smoking...feeling high...talking and what not, and "so right" was on. it get's to "i'm going crazy...and it's all cuz of you" where jack and i simultaneously(thankyousharon) burst out singing at the top of our lungs, causing everyone to pause mid conversation and stare at us like what the HELL are they smokin? claaaaasic, i tell you.

i need to stop talking about that damned band.

in other news, i love sociology professors. they are crackheads, each and every one. i am so in the right department. =)

i had a lovely, uplifting, oh-so-enlightening blog sitting on my computer last night around 2 when i went over to don's. got home, and my computer had powered off for some reason. so i'm not going to write again about how much fun i had last night. i'm just going to say:

i love the dave matthews band.

carry on.

i had just FLEWN to the philly show? FLEWN?

what the heeeeeeeell kinda word is that?

ok.
so.
shit starts going down with the whole brother thing. and it does get to me, and it does stress me out, but i've always been the type of person to detach myself. the fact of the matter is that when this all broke a few months ago, i was in a very good place in my life. i had just flewn to the philly show, and for the first time on my life i could consider myself happy, or nearly so. so i carried on with my life, with plenty of laughter. granted, if it had happened just a matter of weeks earlier, well...like brian has said. he would have had to move back here.

and then my sister would call. "how are you doing? are you ok, because i know this is very difficult for you and i just want to make sure you're ok." she'd call to check up on me obsessively, and it really got on my nerves. she means well, but she didn't seem to believe my "i'm doing fine" response. i'm not going to go off about all of the things going on in my life that i love and that are exciting as hell, because 1.) she and i aren't very close, and i wouldn't really talk to her about it anyway and 2.)maybe i SHOULD feel worse than i do?

point is, i get a call from her last night that i was lucky enough to be in the bathroom for. any time anyone says to me "i just wanted to touch base with you" it makes me feel like they're my god damned employer or something. lol. so i have this long voicemail about how she hopes i'm ok, and...yeah. then, same thing from my mom. "this isn't urgent, i just wanted to call and make sure you're doing ok."

this brings up a whole shistaload of issues that i won't even get into about how i deal with stress and depression(hah. i don't!). and what my relationships with my family members are like. i mean...my mom and i are extremely close, but i just can't let her in. i've never been able to - chalk it up to the fact that after my dad died, i pretty much became the mom of the family. it's ingrained pretty hardcore in my psyche, and so if anyone is going to see my pain(which happens on rare occasions), it will NOT be her.

but back to the point.


what WAS the point?

oh, right. the point WAS that yes, i am worried as all hell about daniel. this disease terrifies me. there is nothing subtle about it, he is insane when he doesn't take his medication. i have no clue what is going to happen, and no control over the situation.

but, i realize that i have no control over it. i will be here for my mom, and i'll be here for daniel, but i'm not going to sink into some depression over it. i'm living my life right now, and i'm loving every second of that, and i'm not going to change it because i'm getting cues from other people on how i should be feeling.

and in the meantime, might i just mention how awesome people online are being? keepin that smile on my face.

this blog could go on and on and on...but i've gotta take a shower and clean up a bit. megan is coming over for some dmb enlightenment time. :)

and i'm listening to my first show. aaaaah, memories...

hahahaha. the nice approach worked. i've been yelling and screaming at this blog, trying to make it work, and i post the NICE thing, and it goes through.

nice, but forceful, mind you.

ok, so i blogged last night when i got home. a highly entertaining blog, if i do say so myself. and then it got lost. so i wrote a quick one again, and lost it. luckily, i saved it before i pressed that post&publish button, though. so here it is:

i just wrote the most kick ass blog and then lost it. this is discouraging.

dammit.

hilites:
stories about matt tazing himself in the head and falling through a glass case, shooting himself in the foot, pepperspraying himself, stabbing himself...all on accident.

jack's response to my rant about something or other that he didn't want to hear:"take it to the porch!" cracked me the hell up. and then his response to my laughter and shocked response: " see, i do pay attention to your stories!" aaaaaw. it's good to know, especially considering the stories i will be telling throughout the summer.

smoking myself retarded after a hellish day...

and, i ended with:

ONE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, just ONE WEEK until i leave.
*hyperspasm*

ok, so yeah. that was last night's blog. i'm going to post this(save it first, of course) and then probably blog again.

dearest blog.
you need to strongly consider working soon.

just got an email from my mom(i've since talked to her):
I just got off the phone with Dori, Daniel's case manager. She said she is
going to have him picked up and put back in the hospital. He never got the
urinalysis she asked him to get over a week ago and he's not showing up to
group therapy. She says the behavioral therapist will go out to his apt.
first to see him then will call the cops to go get him. More than likely
he'll be taken back to Kino Hospital unless they don't have any beds, then
he'll be taken somewhere else.
We discussed putting him in a group residence once he's discharged. She says
they have a place here that works with dual diagnosis patients (mentally ill
with substance abuse) and have had a good success rate. I think that will
probably be the best since he doesn't want to or possibly can't stop smoking
pot.
Dori says she'll call me as soon as she hears when he's been picked-up, but
if it's at night it'll be the next morning before she calls. She thought the
hospital would call me, but I told her they didn't last time so I can't count
on them to do so. Also, they won't even let me know if he's a patient there
since he's over 18.
Here we go again.....
Say a prayer and send those good thoughts. Maybe the second time will be
enough. I'm trying not to get discouraged. As difficult as it is for Daniel,
he's a smart kid and hopefully will come to grips with his illness soon.

Love,
Susan

i really just can't put into words how much this sucks. for those of you tuning in late, my brother was diagnosed with schitzophrenia back in december. it was a pretty nightmarish time for all of us. he was involuntarily admitted to a publicly-funded mental hospital, which is a nightmare in itself. he's been out for a while now, but his condition has deteriorated as he's stopped taking his meds. thing is, he's required by law to attend a certain number of group therapy sessions a week, as well as to take his medication. so they're sending someone over today, and...it's all starting again.

god. i feel so fucking helpless in situations like this.

i'm going through old floppy discs. this is prooving to be entertaining for several reasons:

1.) it's not homework. and it's not blankly staring at the computer screen.
2.) i can't figure out how to get all of my old outlook files to transfer to outlook on this computer. maaaan, i worked on that one for quite some time.
3.) i'm finding pictures!
4.) i found my senior picture. all made up and touched up. yeah. like i really look like that.
5.) i can't believe that was taken almost 4 years ago.
6.) i found a bunch of pictures of all of the "company" boys. all my highschool friends. they're so cute it's almost making me pee in my pants. well not quite, but i've consumed quite a bit of foldgers mocha coffee stuff, so that might explain my frequent urges to pee.
7.) i'm wired. weird, too.
8.) i already forgot what this list was supposed to be about and don't feel like scrolling up to find out.
9.) oh yeah. why floppy disc looking-at is so entertaining
10.) my little ejecty button thingy decided not to work anymore, so i had to stick a pair of tweezers in there to get the disc out. this was not the smartest thing i have ever done (thank you jessica for pointing that out.)

10 seems like a good place for a list to end.

i went to a play with mi mum tonight. couldn't even tell you the name of it..."inventing van goh" maybe? whatever. it was pretty good - nothing extraordinary, but definitely a good way to pass time.

i love live theater. i love anything performance oriented, really. i did theater in highschool...musicals only, though. let's see...cinderella, oliver!, anything goes, grease, music man, fiddler on the roof...there is nothing like putting something like that together..working with people in that context. there is nothing like performing. i also spent 6 years in a touring girls choir(an experience that perhaps shaped who i am more than just about any other), 2 years in highschool in a girls choir, and then my junior and senior years in a competitive mixed choir(we were so good. lol. we just really were.). i love being on stage. that rush of adrenaline right before the curtain goes up is unlike anything i've found. it's the only area where my perfectionist side comes out, too. i was damned good at doing that type of thing.

kinda wonder why i stopped? i guess i just lost my passion for it once highschool started. theater-wise, i probably wouldn't have made it. vocally, though, i did have a chance. 5 years of private voice lessons, superior sight reading skills, good range, near-perfect pitch...and i LOVED it.

but i stopped.
yep.
something in me didn't want to give up 5 days a week for choir rehersal - which i took as a sign that i wasn't devoted enough to consider it as a career choice.

that, and the fact that the average musician/actor makes somewhere along the lines of $1200 A YEAR. yeah. ridiculousness right there.

oh god. there was a really funny analogy in the play tonight...dammit! what was it! shit. i can only remember the second half...something did for something what elevators did for music.

it was funny. but i'm pretty sure no one's getting that because my memory sucks.

sorry.

addendum to this post: (that really has nothing to do with anything at all - are you that surprised) i have never been so excited to have my period start. ever. this means i don't have to deal with it while traveling. stoked am i. stoked i am.

and that, my friends, is what we call too much information. hahahahaha. but you can't stop me!!!!!!!

definitely time for bed.

it is official
i need to STOP thinking that i am interrupting/bothering people when they are the ones calling me.

and that is lesson #1 in Amanda's Insecurities.

ha!
i totally just IMed this girl i haven't talked to in what...at least a year. excellent. love it when that happens!

good lawd. it does appear that the cville insanity is beginning. i was wondering when it would. then i get up this morning and BAM! there's tons of cville related posts to the freak list. praise allah. i. cannot. fucking. wait. i'm going to have to find ways to occupy myself for the next 10(sorry, 9.5) days. going to dinner and a play with my mom tonight. school tomorrow. dmb day on thursday(who am i kidding. that's everyday. hah. get it. everyday? ok. i'll stop now.). friday's gonna be a long one, but there's still school. saturday i have to go to hell...er...i mean douglas...for my aunt's surprise party. sunday-wednesday will be tedious as all hell, but then thursday will come! and i will get to see matias! and then friday i'll get to see everyone else! and then SATURDAY!

ok. i'm stopping now.

with that topic, at least.

i left my livingroom window open last night, because i smoked a shit load of cigs in there. woke up this morning to find that my appartment is a god damend freezer. it is downright COLD outside. there is snow on the mountains. i don't get it. yesterday, it was sunny and gorgeous, today it is cold and gloomy.

whatever. i prefer the clouds. just not the cold.

i'm gonna hold you
when the world is over we'll just be begin...

(yes. i am STILL stuck on that song.)

hah!
second time watching almost famous in two days...and i noticed that the background music for the scene when they're walking, after the shitty plane flightthingy is cortez. nice.

actually i noticed it last night. but i didn't blog about it last night . because i am laim. lame.

actually, i'm pretty fucking drunk right now, thankyouverymuch. so those last few coherant sentences were somewhat difficult to compose.

and yes, i'm making typos every third letter right now, but i'm being anal and fixing them.

ok. phone call. but i have returned. and happier, at that! :)

tomorrow i WILL get something productive done. i have like 50 zillion cds to burn for 20 zillion people, need to go return that cable box that i was supposed to turn in about a month ago...megan is coming over for some dmb enlightenment time, which should be entertaining. she's a funny, funny girl who is mad about the boys, and is desiring access to my collection o' shows. need to make kim a cd so she's prepared for the albuquerque and phoenix shows(already gave her 2/24/95 and 4/6/94 - she adores them). gotta go see a play with my mum tomorrow night...

see! there's a lot to do tomorrow!

anyone placing bets on how much will actually get done?

haHA!

ok. you know what i really hate more than anything at this point in my life? the pop up screen that comes up once i connect to the internet. it says good evening. or good morning. or good afternoon. and then goodbye. and i can find NO WAY to disable it. some days, i really just have to turn the volume off before i hear it, or i'm pretty sure i'll snap. it's even more annoying than that damed AOL "welcome" voice.

ah, the trials we face...

oh you know when the world ends
i'm gonna take you aside and say
let's watch it fade away fade away...

oh wait. gotta let this song finish before i continue.

oops. and maybe start it over again.

anyway. i feel that you all need enlightenment. and to attain this enlightenment, you must go to THIS blog. would i lie to you?

what can i say? returnin the favor.

but don't you worry 'bout a thing, no
cuz i got you here with me
don't you worry 'bout it
just you and me floating through the empty, empty
just you and me
oh gracES

ahem. jen. didja get that?


maybe there will be a more substantial blog later on. then again...maybe not.

i've been putting off shopping for quite some time now. ended the trend today, and DAMN! well, at least all the charges went on to my nifty delta sky miles american express.

and i got new underwear, which is always a cause for celebration. :)

i hate that word. underwear. eew. but i refuse to say panties...because it sounds, well...say it! it sounds DUMB! the only thing that sounds dumber than the word panties is the word dumb itself.

riiiiight. i'm shutting up now.

i hear voices creeping outside my door...

ah, the lyrics to grey street. muy excelente.

ok, so we watched "gone in 60 seconds" instead. and for some strange reason, i bought "meet the parents" which i have never seen. didn't mean to buy anything, but then there was this DEAL, and i meant to grab "road trip" but when i got out to my car, i realized my mistake.

whatever.

the temptation to call nick right now is pressing. but it isn't. i feel like i should but i'm pretty fucking tired, and keeping him entertained isn't in my agenda.

god. could it be that i'm loosing interest? figures. i've wanted him for years and years now, and now that he is actually within my reach, i'm being pulled in too many other directions. and...well, the more i'm around him, the less i think about him.

my mind is stuck on other matters, and different people, and i have to say...DAMN it feels good.

free at last! thank god almighty, i'm free at last!

hah.

oops. that muscle relaxant is starting to kick in...

for the first time in my life, i am really appreciating having female friends.

i've always had issues with girls...and i've always had a ratio of about 4:1 when it came to girl and guy friends. luckily, i've become close with matt's ex, kim, and her roommate jane(who went to john mayer with me and completely fell in love, btw - it's all her and kim listen to anymore). and tonight is get drunk and watch "shakespeare in love" night.

an excellent way to make time go by as i enter these last two weeks before cville. i am anxious as hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

*insert pathetic whining here*
*and then a little more*

that is all.

yeah. i had pretty much the best dream last night. every once in a while a "dave dream" creeps up on me, but i haven't had one in a while. this one was nice and vivid. nothing too spactacular, just one of those dreams that leaves you smiling.

don't worry. there was no sex involved, you dirty birdies.

hmmm. so how did it start...

i was at some kind of showing of some kind of video featuring either dmb or just dave. can't remember. i was with my old friend meghan who i haven't talked to in...wow. about a year now. but, whatever. it was set up in this big room, but showing on this tiny tv. for some reason, meghan and i got to sit on this couch right in front of the tv, but everyone else was several feet behind that.

so dave comes out a little ways through the video, to turn it up or something. he sees us sitting there, and smiles, and then comes and stands right in front of us so that i have a lovely close up of his ass. so i pinch it. :) he's goofing around, and for some reason no one really seems to care that much. even i was having a kind of understated reaction. just smiling like it was normal.

ok, whatever. something else happens right there, but i can't remember...finally, the video is over(and meghan has dissapeared?) and dave comes and sits down next to me. and we start chatting, like it ain't no thang, and somehow at this point i have this knowledge that we're just going to hang out for the rest of the night. but we can't leave through the main enterance because...well...it's dave matthews, yo. people would SEE us and stuff. so we just kinda non chalantly get up and go out this side door, and i show him which car is mine, but i have to go back inside to find my keys.

so we're driving along, windows down at sunset trying to figure out where to go eat, but we end up somewhere...my house i guess(not my house, but my house for purposes of the dream.) we go inside, and i try to find my weed. he pulls out this little baggie, which at first i think has coke in it - looks to be white powder. but as i get closer, i realize that it's just a little tiny bit of 'shrooms. we joke about the small quantity, and he's like, "but they're really good!" so he eats some.

and that's when i heard people stomping all over my roof and woke up. fucking maintenance workers.

i wanna have a dream with tripping dave!!!

hahahahaha. get it? tripping dave? like...tripping billies??

ahem.
ok.
i'm stopping now.

about the dream, that is.

matt's wiggin out on me these days. he's all freaked out because i don't see him enough or something - but the thing is, i see him at least 4 times a week. last night's thing was when we were going to get beer, and he was like, "you know, i've decided. you're not allowed to find a guy. you're not allowed to fall in love. i already have to share you with jack. and dave(yes, he means matthews). and that's bad enough, but i've learned to deal with it. so just stay away from any other guys, ok?"

lmao
yeah fucking right.

i appreciate the thought, but good LAWD, boy. he's got his live in girlfriend, he's all set. he can just deal with my pursuit of happiness.

a lot of them really are freaking out, though. my friends apparently don't deal well with change, and there has been a lot of it in the past few months. add to that the fact that i now live on my own, so they don't see me 24/7, and the fact that they know i'm flying off to concerts so many times this summer...it's pretty entertaining, actually. they'll learn eventually that i'm still here, and i still want them in my lives, and...yeah. i just can't be partying as much as i'm known for, nor do i want to.

distracted by john again.

suppose i said
you're my saving grace

i am having such issues tonight. i just can't even tell you.

i should not have taken that nap. it made me all groggy and gross, and then add alcohol and really drunk and annoying girls to the mix, and, well...i had to leave! lol

so now i'm sitting here, and...yeah. i want someone to make me snap out of this.

what the hell? this is the second day in a row.

maybe it's blogging! blogging is causing fleeting feelings of depression! i'm going to have to track this trend...

SHE wakes up in the morning
does her teeth, bite to eat and she's rolling

well, i did wake up. tried to have a bite to eat, but i spilled it all over the floor. and my teeth? well, i'll brush them in just a few.

and now that we have THAT covered...

i keep getting distracted. but i must blog! but i need something to blog about.

nope. can't blog about that.
that either.

ok.
i'm reading this book called House of Leaves. Pretty hard to explain, but essentially it is about this family who moves into this house that is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. It grows, or something. And it is tripping me the fuck out. It's written in this really strange way...several different voices, footnotes everywhere, some pages have one or two words on them, some things are written in german or french, the word house is always blue. It's considered a horror novel, but so far the "horror" is very discreet. And it is really getting to me!

But i luf it.

It's going to take me a while to get through it. My skimming ways just aren't cutting it for this one. In fact, I find myself going back and re-reading because there's so much to miss...so many little details, so much confusion

who.
just wrote confusion as dave sang it. :)

too much confusion
i can't get no relief

someone was trying to tell me that hendrix's version is better than dmb's. now, i know many might consider it sacrelidge to say dmb's is better. but, it IS. jimi's the king, yadda yadda. i know this. but. uhm. well, his version of that song doesn't even compare! come ON now. and yes, i'm hellishly biased. but i speak the truth!

i totally just changed thoughts up there. dammit dave.

don't feel like writing about that devil book anymore, either.

i have serious issues with capitalizing. i do it one second, and then not the next.

but you can't censor greatness.

i get online, all pumped and awake and ready to chat and NO ONE IS FUCKING HERE!!!

ahem.

to bed. to bed i said.

(i'm a weirdo. you won't find me denying that.)

waiting waiting waiting
lalalalalalalalalalalalala

i really do have a good voice. bet you wouldn't have guessed that.
however, that particular lalalalalalala was meant to be annoying. so i guess the whole good voice thing is besides the point.

two weeks til i leave for cville...i have issues even typing that. it prompts some kind of spasm in me that is sure to become more common as the tour gets nearer.

*deep breaths*

not to say that i've been living my life dreaming of following dmb around, but really this summer is looking to be a dream come true of sorts. the experience is sure to be priceless. i am so anxious to be surrounded with music i am so passionate about, and people who seriously just blow my mind - each and every one of them comes from such different backgrounds, and there's this one thing that brings them all together. it is absolutely incredible.

hm. have i mentioned i'm a sociology major? people are my THANG, yo.

ooh!

8th row, sec B all nights of the gorge.
:)

this whole stock market thing is really annoying. my mom, who pretty much makes her entire living off the stock market is virtually flat broke right now. luckily, it went back up today, but...well, i guess i'm just glad i'm not her. when my mom gets stressed, she can't remember shit.

and she can remember less than shit at this point in time.

i just realized that i have the first weekend in may free. i was supposed to have a final friday the 4th and monday the 7th, but they were cancled. so now...i have may 3 - 8th free. might have to do some damage there. my credit card bills are so far up there right now, might as well top them off. at least i'll get some more sky miles. how's that for logic?

and i don't really feel like writing about address books.
(because that CLEARLY ties in to the rest of this post. =P )

i want to be sharon.

that is all.

Your buddy list is currently not available, but it has not been lost. Please try again later.

This is driving me up the fucking wall. AIM needs to stop giving me so much trouble or else i'll...i'll...i'll...

Shit. Fuck free services.

I'm all grouchy today. It's really quite rare that you find me in a grouchy/bad/bitchy mood. Even when I'm PMSing, I usually just get hella depressed. But for some reason, today I feel like spitting fire down someone's pants.

And I probably will, too!

heh. who am i kidding. this mood will be gone shortly.

i have a lot of errands to run today, and I really can't remember what even one of them is.

and i see that HE played "love song for no one" last night. Does that mean...???????

The suspense is killin me, yo.

i wonder why i stopped capitalizing half way through this post.

arg.

i don't understand myself.

how many years has it been now that nick has been at least a semi-focal point of my every day existence? and now, he's got a serious presence in my every day life, and i'm pushing...

he just called. but i didn't answer. just sat there and watched it ring, and then snatched it up as soon as the voicemail light started blinking. and i could call now, and he could come over, and yadda yadda yadda...

but that would just make too much sense, now wouldn't it?

i'm frighteningly good at pushing people away. usually just the people that i really want to stay, though.

gonna have to work on that one.

back to reading House of Leaves i go! i want a report on tonight's john mayer encounters, dammit!

i can't believe it's not even 11.30. shista.

pronounced SHY-STA, mind you.

ok. hands down, the best thing about living by myself is the lack of clothing required for pretty much anything i do. definitely a luxury i have adapted to quite well. just gotta watch the windows - i have a tendency to not close the blinds.

and then i leave the blinds closed for a few days and all of my god damned plants start dying.

why is keeping plants alive such an ordeal? c'mon, now. i love how they look, so i went out and bought 3. one of them is in reeeeeally poor shape, one of them is virtual leaf-less(though the ones that are still there look good! lol), and the other one...well, the tips are all dead. work with me here, planties!

i tried rubbing "good vibes" into them when i bought them.

left me kinda dubious when it comes to that mind over matter shite.

but, they all have pretty groovy pots. target rules, yo.

the chicken is in the pot.

ahem. anyway.

you know...i really need a job. this whole being layed off deal wasn't as bad as it could have been, but i just got my last severance check in the mail, and i'm thinking about all the money i'm going through...

it really isn't even the money though. it's the fact that three days a week, i have school for 3 hours and THAT IS IT. nothing else. and, DAMN this place is clean.

it is driving me to...
well...
to blog, i guess.

:)

you know what's lovely?
i've never been to california pizza kicthen. BUT! i can just visit my neighborhood grocery store's freezer aisle, and enjoy the warm goodness of a bbq chicken california pizza kitchen pizza.

say that 5 times fast.
california pizza kitchen pizza.

word.

i've been sitting here for the past 10 minutes, with a specific thing in mind that i wanted to ramble about. but it is now my 3rd time through "back to you" and i can honestly say that i have no clue what it was.

doesn't it scare you?
your will is not as strong
as it used to be

just talked to jack. jack is my ex roommate, for those of you who may be questioning it. until about 3 weeks ago, i lived with matt and jack who i love more than just about anything. my year living with them was pretty fucking awesome. but, i digress...

jack had to call and apologize to maggie because on monday night when he and i were SLOSHED, he was a total jack ass to her. my problem is that i really don't think he was. she was ditching us to go hang out with a bunch of spanks, and probably deserved to receive that kind of treatment.

point being that i really just don't even want to give this petty high school bullshit any more thought.

(that might just be the john talking, though. completely distracting me.)

i've gotta lay off the crakc.

i'm tired of being alone
so hurry up and get here

yeah, so. anyone who reads this is just going to have to get used to my pretty much constant use of john mayer lyrics. because, you see, i am obsessed. ain't it grand?

everyone needs to send sharon GO TO PORTLAND vibes. because she needs to - in a few hours, actually. she's beating my ass in the spontenaity category. i'm going to have to do something soon to fix that.

she comes
and she goes
like no one cares

time to go get a veggie bowl. i promise, there will be more pointless blogging in the very near future.

my day today...

my day today was a complete waste. woke up with the intention of starting my astronomy term paper, seeing as the rough draft is due friday.

then i remembered that i don't do rough drafts.

so i bummed around all the live-long day, doing abolutley nothing of any worth. because, you see, i'd rather do nothing than put any effort towards that god forsaken astronomy class.

and i knew that that 2 hour nap on top of 10 hours of sleep last night was going to cause problems tonight.

i cleaned, though! oh yes, i cleaned! a little sprinkle of glade vanilla vacuum-y stuff here, a squirt of glass cleaner there...
SEE! i was productive!

this is going no where...

happy second blog to me. :)
(yeah, we'll see how long it takes me to get this one posted.)

do you see what my boredom has driven me to?
i've jumped on the god damned blog bandwagon.

tisk tisk tisk...