so, say you've been fixated on the SAME stupid fucking person for like... a year or something, and it's just the SAME fucking old thing time and again, and every time you try to either just go with it or head in with the mentality that THIS time you will be able to say "WHEN IS IT ME? when the fucking hell are you JUST GOING TO FUCKING PICK ME, you STUPID ASS FUCKWAD??? can't you SEE????????????????" and you hit a valley, where you're pretty mellow with the whole thing, but then you get home from a party where EVERYONE ELSE was responding to you, but HE JUST WOULD NOT????

jesus. fucking. christ.

i love men. i really, truly do. i have some fantastic ones in my life. i mean, seriously, i just parted with one who is so stellarly phenomenal that just him walking me home with his arm around me was enough to make me smile. and yesterday, one came over to set up a garden for me. and at the same time, my favorite one ever was there too, and then we napped together afterwards and it was perfect and peaceful and totally unfettered by any sexual anything(unless you count the fact that we're both horny fucks...just not willing to wreck what is the pinnacle friendship of both of our lives). but the one, the ONE i just WANT just...UUUUUUUUUUUUGH. aside from the one point in the evening tonight where i was talking to ANOTHER guy about economics and stuff, and the one i want walked out just as i was saying something brilliant and shouted "i LOVE you amanda. i just LOVE you." and then walked off...he just...was not responsive! and fucking a i looked hot. and i know it's issues of...so many things. mainly the fact that we exist within the same extremely close knit group. but FUCK FUCK FUCK. i just don't want anyone else at all! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! and i just need to fucking SAY something to him. BUT I CANNOT!!!!! COME ON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BE AGRESSIVE!

that last command was to him.

fucking. fucking. fucking a.