life doesn't have these nice hollywood conclusions. no one rides off into the sunset. sure, i know that intellectually, but it's still such a strange thing to process...

i guess you had to be there
i guess you had to be with me...

today i finally overcame
trying to fit the world inside a picture frame
maybe i will tell you all about it
when i'm in the mood
to loose my way
but let me say

you should have seen that sunrise
with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
you'll be with me next time i go outside
no more 3x5s

four beverages you drink frequently]
1. water
2. cranberry juice
3. beer
4. orange juice


[five tv shows you liked when you were a little kid]
1. punky brewster
2. she-ra
3. my little pony
4. growing pains
5. small wonder


[four places to go in your area]
1. the shanty
2. paul's house
3. rubio's
4. sabino canyon


[four things to do when you're bored]
1. computer stuff
2. watch tv
3. organize shit
4. talk on the phone


[four things that never fail to cheer you up]
1. music
2. friends
3. bridgit jones diary
4. dmb


[four things you can't live without]
1. my cd's
2. live music
3. friends
4. my car


[about ten years ago *list three things*]
1. i was in 7th grade - the grade i hated the most
2. i was moving out of paula abdul and into nirvana and tori amos
3. i had a kick ass literature teacher


[about two years ago *list three things*]
1. i lived with 2 boys
2. i was about to embark on my first dmb adventure and didn't even know it
3. i was pretty depressed


[about one year ago *list three things*]
1.i was really happy and getting ready to move to seattle
2. i was still in school
3. i lived by myself


[today...]
1. i ate some cereal
2. i'm going to go get my emissions test done on my car
3. i'm listening to phish


[seven things you love]
1. music
2. dmb(yes, they're seperate)
3. concerts
4. weed
5. friends
6. cranberry juice
7. skin on skin


[seven things you dislike]
1. girls
2. manipulation
3. people who are blessed enough to understand how people work and use it to manipulate situations(really a combination of things 1 and 2)
4. the word "fag"
5. guinness
6. people interfereing in my life
7. snow


[seven things on your desk]
1. about 100 cds
2. picture frames
3. flowers
4. a basket with random shit in it(if you consider bills random)
5. coins
6. chapstick
7. guitar tuner


[seven facts about you]
1. i don't know what i wanna "be when i grow up" and i'm more than comfortable with that
2. i think that people who aren't passionate are missing the point
3. i believe very very very strongly in karma
4. i know that dmb is in fact the best band in the world
5. i sometimes don't take compliments well
6. we're the outcome of our challenges and how we deal with them
7. i love to sing


[7 artists/bands/people should give a listen to]
1. pietasters
2. dmb :)
3. jason mraz
4. o.a.r.
5. karl denson's tiny universe
6. spearhead
7. keller williams


[four things you would eat on the last day of your life]
1. potatoes sauteed with garlic, onions and red and orange bell peppers
2. chicken rollantine
3. a few margaritas
4. sour patch kids


[four records from your collection that you will never get tired of]
1. before these crowded streets
2. 40 ounces to freedom
3. aenima
4. live at red rocks


[four vacations you have taken]
1. st. maarten - carribean
2. hawaii
3. seattle to LA to vancouver and back in 9 days
4. driving chicago to seattle


[four things you'd like to learn]
1. guitar!!!!!
2. how to make money without doing a thing
3. more about sociology
4. how to make discs that have been burned TAO into DAO

Nothing is settled. Nothing is permanent. Strap yourself in for possible turbulence. Maybe you like this kind of ride, or maybe you're ready to bail out when the going gets tough. If all this uncertainty is around a romantic relationship, you're probably more interested in making it work than you are in cutting loose and starting over. By hanging on, you might just end up stronger for the experience. By choosing the freefall option, solid ground still waits for you far below, but you're likely to have many rewarding adventures before you get there. It's hard to choose between these options.

Your magical style is Priestess.

What type of Magic do you work?. Take the Magical Style Quiz by Paradox

Congratulations, you're Seattle, the Emerald City.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.

yay!!

i was reminded yet a fucking gain today just why it is i can't stand girls. i was only semi joking when i said "no more girl friends." i'm now serious. no more mother fucking girlfriends.

i am. so. pissed off right now. yes, my friends, amanda is in rare form.

recently heard in a conversation not so near you:
why are guys so messed up?(or something along those lines)
because they're raised by women!

i'm so proud of myself. i just spent an hour tinkering around on the guitar. i've gone through so many damned phases in my life where i've attempted to learn to play, but i've never stuck with it. i'm one of those people who has no interest in things that don't come easily. plus, i like to sing, and i'm not coordinated enough to play guitar and sing.

i bought a beautiful guitar back in tacoma in like april or so. mel and i were gonna keep on eachother to keep practicing. and i did well for a while. but then shit went down and i wasn't around it for a while. now, it's a problem because it involves sitting. but i really really wanna make myself do it. in fact, i woke up today with a list of things to make myself do. so far so good. i went walking. i started one of my sociology books. i updated my resume, and i tinkered on the guitar.

now i just gotta make it all happen again tomorrow.

my hearts numbered beat
will echo in this empty room
til fear wells in me...

i'm really anxious to be back in school. i know it's going to be a while, because i've changed my plan and because i can't stay here to finish. but i can't wait. i was listening to people talk about their classes last night, ,an art history major and a creative writing major. and i remembered how much i love mine. it's so exciting to be studying something you're really really interested in. and once i add my journalism minor, i'm going to be in heaven.

yeah yeah yeah!!!!

this year's love it better last
heaven knows it's high time
i've been waiting on my own too long
when you hold me like you do
feels so right
start to forget how my heart gets cold
when that hurt is strong
feeling like you can't go on

turning circles and time again
cut like a knife
if you love me
got to know for sure
it takes something more this time
than sweet sweet lies
before i open up my arms and fall
losing all control
every dream inside my soul
won't you kiss me on that midnight street
sweep me off my feet
singing ain't this life so sweet

this year's love it better last
who's to worry if our hearts get torn
when that hurt is strong
don't you notice life goes on
won't you kiss me on that midnight street
sweep me off my feet
singing ain't this life so sweet

i was just talking to megan about this earlier today...

for so long, things were so topsy-turvy and constantly changing and there was just so much going on. as of the past few days, i'm starting to feel settled again. things have kind of evened out, and are going fantastically well and i've gotten a feel for being back here(even if it took 4 months).

but then i realized that thanksgiving is NEXT WEEK. holy fuckme shit. that means christmas is like a month and a week away. that means people are going to start leaving for the holidays. people will start coming back. colin will be back in less than a month. mikey. megan will leave. jane and kristy will go home. and poof - it all changes again.

but, i am so excited to be here for the holidays this year. i mean, i always am...but i feel so close to the boys right now. it's going to be a season that i'm going to actually share with close friends, and make a point of spending time with them. i don't know. i can't really explain it. but it's such a good feeling to be facing the holidays with such a sense of family and closeness with people who have been with me through a lot.

i never in my wildest dreams realized just how complicated relationships could be. like... i knew, but i didn't understand. i don't think i've ever ran so hot and cold in all my life. one minute i'm giggling remembering time we spent together. the next minute i'm anxiously waiting for him to call. next minute i'm giggling over more time spent together, but annoyed that i don't know where it's going. the next minute i've forgotten just what it is i'm interested in. the next minute i'm craving affection and caving in to the urge to call. the next minute i'm wanting to just have a little space to see if things cool off at all. the next minute i'm reminded of just how amazing he is and how he brings out all the best parts of my personality yet still deals with the worst. the next minute i'm twiddling my fingers again, hoping he'll call, wondering when i'll just cave in and call him.

fuckin a. i should have known that the second i finished with that last line, he'd call.

i fucking love that he called.

*giggle*

well, i asked the question and it looks like i will in fact be going to see dmb in less than a month.

wow. dmb in less than a month. don't think i can ponder that one just yet. it's way way way over my head.

still have to figure out what i'm gonna do abuot the new years situation. i just don't know. especially now that i found out that you have to book frequent flyer mile plane tickets at least 3 weeks in advance or pay $100.

phish in vegas in february though. the weekend after my birthday. a bunch of us(or maybe just a few of us, we'll see how it goes) are gonna go up there. it's gonna bring a new meaning to the word fun, i have no doubt. a big music related trip with my friends here. what a concept!

we have danced in the risk of eachother
would you like to dance around the world with me?

i just took the ink blot test at emode.com.

what. a fucking. shocker. my unconcious is apparently driven by sexuality.

my question: whose isn't?

can someone please help me? because it's getting out of control. sunday was "girls day" and i actually participated and we watched the first 6 episodes of "sex in the city." monday i watched those same 6 episodes again. straight through. yeah. right. ok. THEN i watched "divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood."

now don't get me wrong, i love the above mentioned things. but in the doses i've gotten in the past few days?

now i can't fucking sleep because i have fucking ani difranco songs like the one below popping into my head.

someone PLEASE help me.

lol

you give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling and falling is like this

feels like reckless driving when we're talking
it's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
but no one's gonna sympathize when we crash
they'll say you hit what you head for
you get what you ask
we'll say we didn't know
no we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us
and the next just sky

i'm sorry i can't help you
i cannot keep you safe
i'm sorry i can't help myself
so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

i am so fucking exhausted. it's beyond words right now.

so much has happened in the past week or so. hell, in the past 2 weeks. wait no. past month. wait...

well, you get the point. but it seems like everything is going so well, and it's all moving so fast...yet so slow...and it's just exhausting to keep a hold on reality.

but GOD i'm loving life right now. going to enjoy it while it lasts.

i'm about to listen to "pig" from MCI this year. it's still at the crowd noise during the encore break...

oh man. goosebumps.

wow. what a fantastic night. i remember so vividly waiting for them to come back out for the encore. well, waiting for dave. keep in mind the concert had already been incredible. before it started there were so many wild cards. we didn't know if we were headed for another 2001-ish tour, and therefore the downfall of the band, or if it would all fall back into place again. and it so did. raven, busted stuff, little improv jams here and there. it was heavenly.

and then all 5 of them come out. and i can remember whispering something in nate's ear, and clasping my hands and thinking what if they play pig? and then, those first couple notes. and my eyes got huge, and i think i might have started to squeal. and then i looked and jen was there next to me. and then matias shortly thereafter. and the 4 of us were huddled together, and i was crouched over laughing for the first part. and then we were all singing at the top of our lungs...

what an incredible feeling that was.

wow. just. wow.

was i a fool to think
the way you looked at me
i swear you did
but you looked away too quick
was i a fool, was i a fool to think
that you would take me home as if i was yours
was i a fool to think at all

i build each one of my days out of hope
and i give that hope your name
and i don't know you that well
but it don't take much to tell
either you don't have the balls
or you don't feel the same

life is so fucking weird.

found a stellar local band last night. they absolutley single handedly renewed my faith in the tucson music scene. they're fantastic. first set was just the guitarist/singer/saxophonist. and then the whole band came out for the second set, and we danced our asses off. i met kick ass people, talked more about music than is healthy for my heart and just had a blast.

before that was the hockey game. i've been thrown into so many situations lately with johnny. after not talking for 2 years, it's strange...but not strange...but still really strange. last weekend at the party, i just pulled him outside with me for a few minutes and we just laughed and laughed. last night, i went up to ask him a question, and then i stopped and was like "um, are there like rules or something about how much i'm allowed to talk to you or anything?" and he laughed and said no and we shook hands. i have to watch it, because there is a definite reason we went through what we did, and i don't wanna just jump back into things. but it's so tempting to just sit down and talk with him.

argh. you know what i really really want? to talk to nick. more than just about anything right now. because despite the fact that we haven't talked in months and months, i know he's still the only person out there right now who'd just get everything i need and try to say. and i could do it...i could call and see if he's at one of those times in his life where he'll let me intrude for a little while. but why would i do that?

should i do that? lol. someone wanna tell me?

From: Colin
To: a bunch of people
Subject: voting
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 2002 22:32:30 -0800 (PST)

All i can say if that i hope all you lazy pieces of crap voted. I am scrolling the Arizona section of CNN and see that there is a "Key Ballot Measure" legalizing the use of medical marijuana. it will fail, loosing by some 15 points. man, and my glacoma is starting act up as it gets time for me to head home for a bit. i am very dissapointed in all of you for not getting some sort of campain together on this one.

CD


From: Aden
To: a bunch of people
Re: voting

I would just like to note that I did participate in the electoral process yesterday....and I think all parties present understand completely, the manner in which I voted on the measure Colin so delicately outlined. Moreover, I would assume we all know exactly why I voted in such a way. Truly a shame this one didn't fly, but fear not my blonde compadre, I'm sure we could rustle up something to assuage your glaucoma, or those painful cancer treatments your subjucted to so regularly. In response to your campaign outcry, I assure you, some of us campaign in our own special way quite regularly.

-Aden

sitting still as stone
watching...
people walking by me
wondering why
no one ever stops to talk or thinks about if they ever did

what if god shuffled by?

one day we might see
by doing not a thing
by breathing just to breathe
we might find some reason

but it's rushing around
seems what's wrong wtih the world
don't lose the dreams inside your head
they'll only be there til you're dead
dream

lying on the roof counting
the stars that fill the sky
wondering if
someone's in the heavens looking back down on me
i'll never know

so much space to believe...

funny when you're small
the moon follows the car
there's no one but you see
hey, the moon is chasing me

i worried if i looked away she'd be gone
don't lose the dreams inside your head
they'll only be there til you're dead
dream

walking through the woods
with no cares in the world
the world she's come to play
she's all mine just for a day

there's no time to waste in the play of this game
don't let the troubles in your head
steal too much time
you'll soon be dead
dream

all fall down
it won't be so long now
out of the darkness comes light
like a flash
you think you can you think you can
but sometimes that is the problem
dream
little darling
dream

spinning on the wind
the leaf fell from the limb
but every day should be a good day to die
play

all fall down
it won't be so long now
every fire dies

i find it hard to explain how i got here
i think i can i think i can
but then again i will falter
dream

i think i can i think i can
i think i can i think i can

dream
little darling
dream

spinning on the wind
the leaf fell from the limb


oh man. you never know has gone on repeat on my computer for the first time in a long time and it's bound to stay like that for days. this song IS life. it explains the cycles and highs and lows and uncertainties and triumphs and tragedies perfectly. musically AND lyrically. and the best part is that as i grow and change, the meanings grow and change too. i've honestly never encountered a song with depth quite like this one.

for example, "i wonder if someone's in the heavens looking down on me...i'll never know..." there was a time in my life where i was at a show, and that line was so positive. filled with such awe and a feeling of how fortunate i am. it echoed how grateful i was. and then there was a time in my life where the line expressed my emptiness and loneliness and confusion with equal precision.

right now i'm in a "out of the darkness comes light, like a flash" phase. hopefully i won't falter. i know i'm bound to eventually for some period of time, but right now...i'll just keep dreaming...

What member of Dave Matthews Band are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Dave Matthews! As Dave, you're the outgoing yet deeply troubled on the inside. Your warm and welcoming exterior is usually the introduction to a deep person who's got some problems and a wonderful perspective on society.



i really like that quiz!!

ah! AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

stupid stupid STUPID!

Trent Lott, said "It'll feel good to be on offense," and gave credit to President Bush, saying "he put his prestige on the line, he led and he made a difference."

someone. please. fucking. shoot me.

so we're going to war again! er...i mean...we're going to ANOTHER war. is that how you say that? hmm. i guess i should learn.

fuck people for not voting :)

fuckin a, i love o.a.r.

i told myself i'd do this one every time i ran across it, since answers will vary. :)

I thought: i'd be preparing to go back to school in january.
I am not: a jealous person.
I hurt: but rarely show it.
I love: star gazing
I hate: black licorice
I fear: never finding true love
I hope: my actions are helping my body recover.
I crave: affection.
I regret: nothing.
I cry: a lot less these days
I care: about having a positive influence on people around me
I always: have chapstick
I long: for someone who moves the same way i do
I feel alone: every once in a while
I listen: when i'm interested
I hide: my feminine side way too much. WAY too much.
I drive: MY CAR!!!! IT'S BACK!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!
I sing: "i'm sleeping to dream about you, and i'm so tired..."
I dance: all the fucking time
I write: with a red pen
I breathe: out
I play: the guitar. really really badly.
I miss: seeing dmb
I search: for music that fills that void
I learn: some enlightening tidbit every day
I feel: fantastic
I know: that every day should be a good day to die
I say: i know that the theme of nickel creek's lighthouse song may rub some as corny, but it's SO damned beautiful!
I succeed: in areas where i want to
I fail: at drinking enough water every day. drinking enough water keeps the discs in your back nice and fluffy and happy. so ineed to do that.
I dream: more vividly than most people i know
I wonder: when i'm going to be able to give into this attraction...
I want: lots and lots of lip-numbing kissing time
I worry: rarely
I wish: on falling stars. every single time.
I have: way too many cd's to organize.
I gave: my best, and most harsh advise the other night.
I fight: very very rarely.
I need: someone who'll force me to take my guard down.

from the paper journal...


you know what i realized is one of the things that has made me so happy lately? all the reconnecting i've done in the past week or two. i guess it all started with mel and lisa. and then seeing even people like brian and erin, and tyler and his girlfriend. and then jay and kristy and lee. all these seattle people who i was never really close to but who i haven't seen in so long and who it was just so good to spend time with. and then it was bill. and seeing dave. and all the people associated with going to a dave show. then coming back here...i talked to rach quite a bit last week - i don't understand why we don't do that more often. and i talked to megs and scotty a lot. megan and i have been conneecting a lot. talked to jen yesterday, and bri's called...

and then i get an email from colin and so much has happened since last we talked, and i realized how excited i am to see him when he comes back from korea. and i had an IM waiting for me from fly boy mike with his new home number in NC and a little note.

what made me realize all this? i was driving home and i was slammed with this huge wave of excitement over getting to talk to nate again. i can't fucking wait to talk to that boy. it's beeen a month and a half, and i just feel like i've reached this point where talking to him about everything will tie it all together, because that's how it usually works. i love that.

you know what else makes me really happy? i was at aden's earlier tonight, me and him and jeremy were standing around smoking, and he brought up the christmas party. the boys always do a gift exchange/party thing. it's usually the highlight of the christmas season for all of us. and this year, he wants to go somewhere...like maybe get a cabin at mt. lemon or something. he mentioned a specific weekend and asked if that would work for me. just that tiny little thing made me so happy.



i guess ihaven't blogged about seattle. but i think it's obvious that it served it's purpose. i'm in such a better space now. things seem to be falling together again. i needed that time away so badly. i needed to see mel and lisa. tie up loose ends. just driving around there makes me so happy, be it sunny or rainy, because it's so damned beautiful. it's strange how just a location can make you feel like yourself. saw a few concerts, took it easy, sprained an ankle... it was all good. and i'm ok being back in tucson now. it's amazing how much better it is now that i have my STUFF with me. just havingmy posters up on the walls and my pictures around me and my music within arms reach has done wonders for me.

oh, and seeing o.a.r. and matt nathanson friday night. whoosh. that was absolutley incredible. tucson is one of the first places they toured outside of a few states back east. they actually played this restaurant/bar that i frequent. they played there when i lived in a dorm about 200 feet away. silly me for not knowing. but anyway, it was very much like a hometown crowd - minus the crowd surfing. i still have to say the portland and seattle crowds have been better, but these people friday night were SO into it you really couldn't blame them. that band absolutley blows my mind. they have the charisma and talent and just overall diversity that is going to make them blow up - though i guess they really already have. jeremy, paul and megan all went and i'm pretty sure they were blown away as well.

i dunno.
good things going on.
i'm gonna enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts.

more to come...

i remember your thread thin arms
i remember your hands
and how easily
it seemed to me
that they could rip me open

lalalala.

my non dmb top 5 would be howie, mayer, jack, o.a.r. and matt nathanson. and i'm seeing two of them tonight. and i saw dave last week. and jack twice the week before. man, i feel like my old self again.

now if only i didn't have to wait another month to see howie.

could care less about mayer right now. though i've been listening to inside wants out a lot. i fucking love that cd. and i've been listening to nickel creek and jason mraz even more. yum.

GAH. i have hairdye in my hair and it stinks.

heh. bill's coming to phoenix for his company.

let the good times roll.