howie and i are currently going through a bit of a traumatic breakup.

traumatic for me, not him.

i went to the show last night totally stoked and excited and proud of the direction he's taking. i left feeling pretty over him. it's all about the attitude baby.

good time for the most part. but i do have to say that he's been replaced in his #2 ranking by o.a.r. and jason mraz. i'm sorry, so sorry.

my mom and i were watching bittersweet motel(fantastic phish documentary) on sundance last night while waiting for the season finale of joe schmo to come on. my mom hasn't had a lot of phish exposure, so she was interested to say the least.

then, in the second hour of joe schmo, ralph was asking matt what he was going to do with the money. what did he say? "go see phish."

rock on.

First best friend: jenny and sheri

First real memory of something: trying to pick the splinters out of my feet the day my dad died

First car: 1990 white volvo

First job: ship n' mail xpress(kinda like mailboxes etc) when i was 17.

First self purchased album: oofda...either heart, top gun, or madonna true blue

First funeral: maybe my grandmother a few years ago? i really haven't been to many.

First screen name: sunbeam324, streowaltz

First pets: yellow lab/border collie mix named mickey

First piercing/tattoo: got my ears pierced when i was 5. i then got bored of earrings and stopped wearing them. had to have them repierced a few years ago(got 2 in each ear that time).

First credit card: visa

First enemy: oofda...hmmm...racking my brain...there was a girl in second grade who made fun of me because i couldn't do cartwheels as well as she did. i guess that counts. i'd like to think i've never really had an "enemy." though there sure are a few people out there in this lovely community that thing i'm satan's minion. :)

First big trip: i've been traveling, and by myself at that, since i was like 4. i guess the first trip i really remember going on by myself was when i was 7 and flew to st. louis to drive with my aunt and new 6 month old cousin to see our grandparents in dallas. but i'm sure there were some trips before that.


First musician you remember hearing in your house:linda rondstat was my dad's favorite

Last cigarette: tonight around 9

Last big car ride: drive back from seattle in august.

Last good cry: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...not even a little tiny clue. i haven't cried in a long ass time. maybe in a movie or something.

Last library book: good question.

Last movie seen: boondock saints

Last beverage drank: water

Last food consumed: chili

Last crush: man, i miss having crushes.

Last phone call: scotty from the mraz show in milwaukee

Last time showered: about 12pm

Last shoes worn: birkenstocks

Last CD played:nickel creek, self titled

Last item bought: a butterfly ring

Last annoyance: pain in my leg

Last disappointment: mel and lisa not going to the wedding. then talking to eric today and it hitting home just how much i wanted to be at shay and jdunn's wedding.

Last time wanting to die: yeah right.

Last time scolded: tonight. i heaped my mom's laundry on top of the dryer rather than folding it. :)

Last shirt worn: purple button up

Last web site visited: where i got this little survey :)

not too happy about a few things.

not too happy that i just cleaned my entire closet and still can't find my shoreline poster and bill's portland poster. where the FUCK are they?

not too happy that howie had to reschedule one of his LA shows because of the fires and will now be doing 4 shows in a row, with phoenix being the last. he's going to be trashed.

not too happy that these fucking fires are making the air here absolutely nasty. burning eyes, itchy throat, tiredness. i can't even imagine what it's like all those miles away.

i used to be a superhero
no one could hurt me
yeah not even myself
you are like a phonebooth that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

and now the starry background is gone...without me doing anything. hmm.

fantastic weekend. i went up to phoenix to stay with greg. jack came down too. shellie went up saturday night. never have i been around people who i feel so perpetually stoned around. no weed necessary. i swear, we're the poster children for ADD.

anyway. got to watch some dm/dmb dvd's. listened to new howie. listened to the gorge shows. i am completely obsessed with the perfection that is dreaming tree on 8.7.03. jack and i stood in the middle of the living room in a huddle, eyes wide and shaking our heads. it's just perfect. same thing happened with minarets, but we got more scared.

seems like i had something else to say.

i'm seeing howie this week. that's pretty exciting. even though it's in phoenix and i have to work back here at 7:30 the next morning. yeah, boo on that. i'm really over working sunday's too. though i don't see any change in my near future.

i hate pigeons.

seriously. they scare me to death. and did you know that they can conceptualize? cuz i didn't. and then i found out. and it fed my pigeon fear quite a bit. everyone thinks they're the most stupid creatures around. but i beg to differ. those things are conniving and calculating and determined.

which brings me to my next point.

who the hell came up with the saying "the birds and the bees." seriously. where does that come from? birds and bees don't screw. they have nothing to do with procreation. but that got me to thinking. what if birds and bees did reproduce? and we had these huge black crowes with stingers flying around, divebombing people? wait, no. what if we had huge, conniving, calculating, determined pigeons flying around with stingers on them? the end of the world, i tell you!

blech. i hate those things. and greg had one that made his balcony his home. the porch light was his roosting haven. piles of bird shit would appear daily. the apartment complex had to put spikes everywhere because they have such a pigeon problem(i have a theory about pigeons and the government, but i'll keep the paranoid side of my brain away from y'all, otay?). and any time we would go out to smoke, the pigeon would be there and it just freaked me out. big ol' pigeon just sitting there watching us. so greg would try to scare it away. we'd go outside. it'd come and flap my head. screaming would ensue, and it would reclaim it's position on top of the light.

so then we decided we'd just leave it be and hopefully it wouldn't bother us.

and THEN.

greg decided he wanted to name the damn thing.

now, this is a major no-no in my book. one, because when you name things they die. two, because you can't frickin' name the pigeon! then he'll stay forever! he'll find his little pigeon mate and bring her back and have little scary pigeon babies that poo even more than the adults and you'll never recover! no naming pigeons!

so he named it.

sigh.

this weekend, greg had put a paper cone on top of the light. it appears to be doing the job. tape and nails didn't work. they didn't want to put a spike because then it'd probably just come sit on it and get stuck. hitting it with shovels hasn't worked. or hammers. it comes right back at them.

not that i'm advocating any of these things. in fact, i do recall protesting and running inside. however, no pigeons were hurt. now it just kinda comes and looks dejected and sits on the wall, secretly plotting ways to tear down the cone.

ok. i don't know where the starred background came from and i don't have time to fix it but i HATE it.

2 weeks! 2 weeks! 2 weeks!
2 weeks til i see the huuuuffies
and get my grooove on
we're gonna smoooke some
and maybe driiink some
and i'll say heeeey ya
i'm not a plaaaaya
but that's okaaaay yeah
cuz it's 2 weeks to the daaaay yeah
woooohoooo!
aaaaw yeah!



once again. a song that no one will ever know the melody to. but that's ok.

good lord. every time i think about ice and rach's wedding i just get this huge grin on my face. i don't think time could be moving any slower.

back to back episodes of sex and the city with matthew mccantspellit and vince vaughn. that's just lovely.

all of my highschool boys, with the exception of my lovely best friend, are turning out to be such amazing people. serious, down to the core, positively amazing people. one by one, they're finding their nitches and making me smile brighter and brighter.


and what i said about my lovely best friend...well, maybe i'm being harsh. my sarcastic side has definitely taken hold with that one. but he's in a period of semi-punishment/semi-love right now where i'm concered. for example, i finally got around to responding to his email telling me about the death and moving to minnesota and blah blah blah. and it was good. but it was hard not to just rip into him.

i'm being more subtle than that. :)

where was this going...

in any case.. i hung out a bit with bob tonight. it just so happens that bob lives with jeremy and his oh so lovely girlfriend(eh, i'm over her.) two things were evident to me: 1, i love hanging out with bob. this is the 3rd time i've seen him since i've been back, and there's just nothing like being around someone you've been good friends with for that long. 2, i realized why it was very important that jeremy and i just flat out stopped seeing eachother and hanging out at all. i'd forgotten just how extremely intense the vibes between us are.

well, the soulmate is in the process of moving out of the forefront of my mind. i can tell by my dreams. it's very strange, because i've never had "fantasy" dreams of him before. that's in 8 years of dreaming about him. and i don't mean that in a sexual way. i just mean that he's never acted the way i dreamed(no pun intended) he would before. but these...while they're definitely realistic situations, he is acting in ways that would make my heart melt.

i guess if you can't have it in real life, you gotta have it somehow.

i wonder if the mystery between him and i will ever be explained. i honestly don't know that it will. i know he's always going to be weaving in and out of my life, but i really don't know if we'll ever have any kind of tangible relationship again.

god. it's been 2 years since we've really interacted with any kind of regularity. so weird.

so i read dude, where's my country? yesterday. and i have a lot to say. none of which is getting said right now cuz i still gotta digest everything it is i read. it actually overwhelmed me to some extent. and i'm trying to figure out how not to go about using scare tactics to get people to actually think about what's going on in the world.

but then i realize, i don't need scare tactics. it's all plenty scary as it is. and we do have power over it, and we can change it. just gonna take a little more commitment than we care to give.

you know...sometimes you really do just have to dig for compliments. and that's ok. if you can set it up so that they know you're feeling unloved, and then they come back with a reassuring comment of their own...that's just ok.

http://www.theolympian.com/home/news/20031011/frontpage/121390.shtml

i hate missing people i should not miss.


maybe it's boredom. maybe it's watching too much sex and the city again. probably a combination of both. but horrible little memories creep in there(we'd just showered and were lying in bed. he started singing you never know. and then pig. i smiled, he kissed my forehead. and then we went to sleep), completely out of the blue, and for no apparent reason.

but now i realize, it's not him i miss. it's just that connectedness. and that will come again.

right?

so apparently my wonderful best friend is going through a rough patch. i just got an email from him, which is a bit worrisome since it's only been like 2 weeks since his last one, and that's just waaaaay too soon between emails. but i'm just being snide.

it seems his girlfriend's brother in law just died of a sudden heart attack, leaving his 7-month-pregnant wife a widow. 3 hours after it happened, my lovely best friend and his even lovlier girlfriend were on a plan to minnesota where the fam resides. lovely girlfriend decided she's going to stay in minnesota permanently to help the family out, and my lovely best friend, after...how'd he put it?..."a few days of thinking for myself" decided to move there too. career opportunities in san diego were not what they had hoped.

so he wanted to tell me what was up and to get my perspective on life and death and faith.

and...i'm obviously just too jaded to respond. i'm bitter that this is his first taste of death, and that it was with someone he met once, and that it's bringing him even closer to this girl who has totally brainwashed him and wiped any trace of the guy i once knew completely off the face of the earth. and now she's gotten him to move back to her home with all of her family. yeah, i'm bitter. because i've been best friends with this guy for 9 years and he's crapped out on me. because he's crapped out on all of his other friends. and MOSTLY because he has the most incredibly family i've ever met and he's crapping out on them as well.

i failed in raising him. that much is clear.

what a great night. :)

ok.

new template up. and yes, i am very proud because not only did i FIND one, but then i changed it so it's hardly recognizable to what it was. ALL. BY. MYSELF.

AND i fixed the comments. thanks christina. :)

so apparently none of my comments have been showing up. they're all there, i just haven't been able to tell. i just figured no one was leaving comments. so i just went to check at the actual website where they're stored. oh yeah, comments galore since july that i haven't ever seen. :)

howie's new cd is good. real real real good. gets better and better every listen. i find myself repeating the first 5 tracks a whole lot. can't get enough.

the song "collide?" ok. now, it's totally cheese whiz with top 40 hit written all over it. it is undoubtedly howie's "crash." shit. even the names are the same. but i am so in love with this song. more than i have been with one song in a very very very long time. it is absolutely amazing and says all the right things in all the right ways. i love that.

uuuuuuuugh.

saw the soulmate.

fucked it up.

going on year 7.

blah.

you know...to say i'm annoyed about arnold...that's really a massive exxageration. i don't actually care. i think it's amusing that he ran on no legitimate platform(read: he had no actual plans to attain the goals he's set) and got elected, but hey, who knows. politics have become hollywood and vice versa. should be entertaining to watch it all unfold.

laaaaa di da di daaaaaaaaa.

so another dave tour. and i have to admit, i'm just not that excited, nor am i fiending, nor am i really thinking i'll put in for tickets to any of them. not to say i won't be fiending and excited in a few months. and definitely not to say i won't be going to one. i definitely will. just don't have the money for tickets right now, nor can i decide which one to go to seeing as i never know what my work schedule will be.

i'm REALLY glad that the west coast shows aren't until january. that gives me a lot of breathing room. and then, if i'm working the job i am now, i'll just go to san diego. but if i'm not, and i have a normal 5 day a week job like i'd like to, i'll just go to san fran. as i said, though, i'm really glad this means i have time to save and it can be a quick jaunt. as usual, i'm humerously annoyed that they want more of my money this far in advance. jesus...give the tour rats time to recover, wouldja?

two things today that make my eyes roll: over-dramatic people. it's too hot for them to be getting all worked up. arnold winning(not that it's really a suprise), and the fact that it's not raining when it's supposed to be. oops. that was more than 2.

two things today that make me smile: not having to work, the fact that shellie is going with me to the faaaaarm and gets to meet all of my loves, the fact that i'm going to kentucky in less than a month, aaaaaaaand friends. ah, yes, friends.

oops, that was more than 2 ;)

i might be getting too much joy out of reading phish message boards today. it's quite amusing to me. these people are just so butthurt that trey is "selling out" and that now teeny bopper dmb fans are going to discover how cool he is and start attending phish shows.

oh, such haters.

and you know you'll be seeing tons of them at the shows.

people just need to see this tour for what it is - 3 really dynamic, talented song writers having a good time with a bunch of other friends. no statements made, and i'm sure none of them are thinking about what their fanbase is gonna think.

and god bless them for that.

ok. maybe i was wrong in writing what i just did(that little entry below). because in the two comparisons i made, nothing is THAT clear cut. i am aware that clinton had many sexual allegations against him. i'm also aware that he was ultimately impeached in the eyes of the law because he lied under oath, not because he got a blow job.

that said, both high profile cases of women who came out against clinton professed to having affairs with him. there was no rape mentioned. and history as well as the collective memory of our society will remember that whole ordeal as a president being impeached because of a blow job. not because democrats are bitter. but because how many times do you get into a political conversation with a conservative where it doesn't end up as "well HE cheated on his wife. well HE had sex with that woman."

THAT said, i think it's blatatly obvious, or at least it will be in the near future, that not only has our current president lied, but so has his entire administration. maybe not under oath. but to their people. and not about sexual relations with an intern.

oh

and?

i'm real confused about something.

granted, i haven't paid attention that much to these sexual harassment alegations a supposed 15 women have made towards arnold. but i have paid attention to several debates during which republicans have argued that the fact that arnold has admitted they happened and said he was sorry should show that he's a really salt of the earth guy who has had real problems and dealt with them. the fact that he made unconsentual advances towards women multiple times, but admitted it and apologized is ok.


yet, you know, not to beat a dead horse or anything, a certain president got a blow job from a girl who wanted to give it to him, and he commits a crime larger than say......starting a preemptive war and supporting an administration that apparently is biter enough to oust CIA operatives because their husbands speak out against the war.

hmm.

i was watching CNN a bit ago, and they were interviewing people on venice beach about the recall election. it was perfect. you had one body builder guy lifting weights talking about how you have to be tough and a hard worker to be a body builder, so he's voting for arnold because he must be a hard worker. they you had the guy talking about how it's all so negative and he only wants positive in his life, so he's not paying attention.

i don't think there's any movie ever made that could depict americans more accurately. granted, it's the ends of the stereotype spectrum, but we are just such fools.

pretty sure when i was writing all that stuff about my job and how i was gonna screw up at any point, i should've kept my mouth shut. i see my ass getting canned in the next 24 hours. :)

1. Last download? CNN Headline News Interview with Dave Matthews(aired 9-28)
2. Favorite restaurant? Bazil's or La Parilla Suiza
3. Last swim in a pool? Jacuzzi last night, pool...about 2 weeks ago
4. Type of music you dislike most? anything hateful
5. Registered to vote? just renewed and changed my address about 2 weeks ago
6. Have cable? yup
7. Ever ridden a moped?yup
8. Ever prank call anyone? lots
9. Ever get a parking ticket? yup. never paid 'em, either. Ever gotten your car impounded for not paying parking tickets? nope
10. Would you bungee jump or sky-dive? hell yeah. probably just sky dive though.
11. Have a garden? kinda
12. Favorite comic strip? used to be calvin and hobbes and garfield, but i don't pay attention anymore
13. Know all the words to your National Anthem? absolutely
14. Bath or shower? Shower. haven't taken a bath in at least 6 years
15. Best movie seen in last month? le divorce
15. Color of lipstick usually worn? shimmery lip gloss
16. Ever smoked peanut shells? nooooooooo
17. Last person you went to dinner with, and where? shellie and jane at old chicago
18. Favorite chocolate bar? kit kat
19. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? when i was about 6, and it turned me off tomatoes for my entire life
20. Ever order an article from an infomercial? nope
21. Ever had to wear a uniform to work? at emp i had to wear a shirt they gave me, and whatever pants i wanted.
22. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? ummmmm...hmm...pictures?
23. Ever throw up in public? yup. well, at a party. that seems pretty public to me.
24. Prefer to be a millionaire or find true love? true love
25. Believe in love at first sight? yup. absolutely. no doubt.
26. Ever call a 1-900 number? hmm...i don't THINK so.
27. Can ex's be friends? takes two very special people to pull that off. kinda like friendship sex...
28. Last person you visited in hospital? i can't remember. maybe my sister?
29. Answering machine message?what about it? :)
30. Favorite 'Saturday Night Live' character? mikey myers' little ADD boy leashed to the jungle gym.
31. Favorite thing to do before bed-time? hmmm. don't think i have one.
32. One thing you are grateful for today? i didn't fuck up at work.

kissing whiskey by the fire
with the snow outside...

well, none of that is actually happening. but it sure does make a purdy picture, don't it?

anyway. i guess i'll talk about the ol' job a bit. it's going pretty well. definitely different than anything i've ever done before, and i'm working with so many cash transactions it's insane. it's a bit humerous for me to think of myself working with math and numbers everyday, but so far so good. i haven't screwed up. i passed the little FiSCA test i had to take with flying colors. that was good, and i guess pretty out of the ordinary for new hires. but really, i feel like i'm gonna screw up at any point. it's a fairly easy job, but mastering all the little teeny tiny details is pretty tedious.

i've been training at one location for the past few weeks, and tomorrow is my first day at the store i'm actually supposed to be at. which...blah. i like the people at the store i've been at. they're great. but until a few days ago i was very uncertain as to whether or not i'd stick it out. i was gonna call my temp agency and ask them to look for a long term placement for me, and then just quite the job i have now if they found something. but i'm putting that off still. as i said, i'm learning a lot of really valuable skills here, and so i'd like to stick with it as long as i'm not miserable. and i'm by no means miserable.

jane and i had a great time last night. my mom's out of town, so we just chilled over here and drank wine and went in the jacuzzi and did a lot of talking about a lot of things. i love heart to hearts like that. we also watched some sex and the city and made lemon bars. which was an adventure all it's own.

caught the first 10 minutes of the CNN DMB thing earlier...it seriously almost made me cry. documentaries about them(or iguess just him in this case) always have that effect on me. it's a strange phenomenon in my mind. but i see all the history laid out in front of me, and it's all so good, and i realize the impact of it all on my life...and it just makes me real real happy.

ok, this california gubernatorial race? come ON. i mean, it's definitely entertaining and amusing, but it's actually real? seriously? he's the terminator, people!!! his acting career took a nose dive, and he's publicity hungry! he's also proven himself to be an extremely conservative conservative, not this moderate do-gooder that he's trying to make himself out to be(hmm...sound familiar...george dubya...).

now. i love california. well, except for the hole that is LA and the 200 miles surrounding it in any direction. but i have thought for a long time that they should just become their own country. they really have their own way of doing things(which i agree with in a lot of ways) and definitely their own mentality. i think it'd be a good little experament. maybe then texas would follow suit.

ahem.

but that's besides the point.

the point is, sure gray(grey? fuck. i dont know) davis is a dog. but he cannot possibly be worse than the terminator. whether these allegations that have just come up against aaaahnold are true or false, he IS NOT A POLITICIAN. you should not have screaming shrieking girls wanting autographs attending political rallies! jesus christ! california! wake up! i realize you mimic a large portion of the country in your indifference to politics, but look what happened when people were indifferent in the last presidential race! aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


:)

DAMN!

people are searching the hell out of some devil lyrics, and ending up here! probably 15 hits from that since wednesday. interesting.

i had to be a bitch last weekend.

it wasn't that cool.

it was shellie's 20th birthday, so we decided to throw a little shindig. our shindigs are always quite fun. "our" being me, shellie, kristy and jane(an incredibly dynamic, beautiful group of girls if you ask me. maybe i'm biased though. but that's another revalation for another time). so we made some hop skip and go naked, i brought a bottle of tequila. it was good times guaranteed.

but there was about an hour in there that was miserable. all these annoying people started showing up. acting like 2 year olds. and then...the air conditioner decided it wanted to catch on fire and start smoking. so kristy was flipping out. add to that the fact that tucson's cops have decided it is their number one priority to go around, break up parties, red tag houses and arrest minors, and we decided it wasn't that good that a bunch of girls were standing out in the street causing a ruckus.

so i decided i'd go tell them they couldn't be there. just asked them, quite nicely mind you, if they could go inside or go out to the back yard. some blonde bimbo sorostitute decides she doesn't like that idea and gets up in my face. so i tell her she needs to fucking chill and that if she thinks i'm a bitch, she should wait until she gets inside. she mumbles a bunch of bullshit and does her little head shake in my face some more. they say they'll go inside.

so i come back 5 minutes later. oh, yeah. still there. i tell them to go inside. attitude girl says "and what if we don't?" i said, listen sweetheart, ya either need to leave or you need to get your ass inside. more of her comments. a guy they were with comes and starts herding them in. she makes some comment and i tell her she needs to lose the attitude before she goes in, or she'll get eaten alive.


sooo...i go inside and it appears even more annoying people have shown up. they're yelling and screaming and pouring beer on eachother(beer they've taken out of our fridge, mind you). greg and kristy are annoyed. so i decide to just go smoke and let them handle it.

two girls are outside running around like 2 year olds pouring beer on eachother. they then start yelling at eachother, each on one side of me. i stop and ask if they're really fighting. they say no. i tell them that if they are, i'll pay attention, but otherwise, they need to go away so i can finish talking to brian. they then end up in beer spilling fight behind me, and it gets all over my back.

i then went inside and informed my compadres(laughingly of course) that everyone needs to leave. we then start a massive "kicking everyone out" campaign.

annoying girls from earlier won't leave because we're "kicking out all the hot girls." beer pouring girls won't leave because they don't have a ride(how the fuck they got ther eis beyond me). ring leader boy is too drunk to do anything but scream and yell. we go into the living room and turn down the music to tell everyone to leave, and someone turns it back up and tells us to shut the fuck up.

it was great fun.

so then we got the boys to literally pull people out of the house, including attitude girl who just kept saying "it's just because i'm pretty" which was quite entertaining to all of us.

so.
eventually.
they all left.

and we decided we're over having parties. :)

the tale of harassing phone calls at work.

so we got pretty busy last night, and the phone rang. emmy picked it up, and the person on the other end acted like he knew her. asked how she was doing and what not. she, being the nice girl she is, figured it was one of our other coworkers or something and felt bad that she didn't recognize his voice. she asked if he could call back in 10 minutes or so because she was with a customer.

so about 15 minutes later, he calls back. she asks who it is, he says "johnny." asks how she's doing again. then mentions that he just got back from working out and just took a cold shower. he was working his main muscle. asked emmy if she thought his main muscle needed work. nice, innocent girl says "yeah, you should probably work on that" and hangs up.

she's totally creeped out by it. she says he was making little muffled moans and his voice kept getting deeper. so luckily, the district manager stops in to give me my paycheck, and we tell her about our little encounter. she tells us what to say to him should he call again.

so then, about an hour later, phone rings. i answer it. unfortunately, we say our names when we answer the phone. so he starts asking how i am and such. i ask who it is. it's johnny. i'm grossed out, because there is full on moaning going on. he asks "do you wanna fuck?" i fumble around for words, but finally get out that he needs to stop calling and that we're working with the phone company and filing a report with the police.

i didn't think i'd be as creeped out as i was. but suddenly, it was like...is he watching us right now? is he a customer? is he going to call back again?

it was fucking gross.

johnny didn't call back. but we definitely followed all of our safety procedures to the T when closing up last night.