Operation: Try and Make Tonight's Shift at Work was a miserable failure. Well, maybe not "miserable," but it probably wasn't the best idea I've had. My head hurts so bad that I couldn't turn it to look both ways while driving. My throat hurts so bad that eating a sandwich during my break was impossible. I definitely called in sick for tomorrow's 16 hour shift in person to my supervisor before I left tonight, and my guilt is definitely causing some heart pangs. We are so fucking short staffed as it is, and I know they keep pulling strings to cover for me and I hate that I keep having to do it. UGH.

Oh yeah, and 16 hours is a hell of a lot of money. Especially on top of the 27 hours I missed last week, though I suppose about half of that will be covered by my remaining sick time.

Yeah, this next check is going to be loverly.

Then again, it's pretty fucking sick that those 27 hours I missed last pay period were in a 3 day period. And it's pretty sick that I had a 6 hour shift ending at midnight tonight, and then was supposed to come back 9 hours later for 16 hours. Is that even legal? Good god.

Oh, and there's a big fucking spider crawling around on the wall and I just don't have the energy to give a damn or react in any way. Why? Because it's time for another round of the chills, so I'm too busy fighting that feeling where you're freezing cold, yet you want to take off all your clothes because their very presence on your skin is more irritating than you'd have ever thought possible... which only means I will be sweating profusely in about half an hour. I love dripping!

But I'm staying positive. Really, I am. There's a new boy at work and he's a good conversationalist, so while I probably shouldn't be talking due to aforementioned sore throat, I did quite enjoy his company. I love new brains. Oh, and I also got on MS Paint while working coat check for a prom and "painted" myself some flowers and sunshine and a rainbow. Oh, and Roark decided to hug me instead of bite me, so that was nice too. And Josh, Alex and Jen seemed genuinely concerned, which is somehow almost as nice as having someone make me some soup(probably cuz that's totally unrealistic). WHICH I could actually eat, I might add. Everyone keeps telling me it's important to keep eating despite my absent appetite, but IT HURTS.

Damn, I wanted to end that paragraph on a positive.

And in other good news, my eyes look SEMI normal right now. Like, if you didn't know me, you wouldn't think anything was wrong with them.

And I also watched "Alfie" last night, and I just adore Jude Law. Really, he is stunningly gorgeously beautiful despite the fact that he's a bit smaller than I'd typically go for.


I have seriously watched "Meet the Barkers" for a total of about 10 hours in the past few days.

You Are 40% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

>

American Cities That Best Fit You:

75% Honolulu

75% San Francisco

60% Los Angeles

60% San Diego

60% Seattle

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Your Inner European is Dutch!

Open minded and tolerant. You're up for just about anything.

Who's Your Inner European?

so i'm pretty sick. and kinda getting bored with it. my mood at least is better today, but FUCK i'm tired. and my eyelids are still swollen as fuck. and i just tried talking for a bit(to melia...aaaaw...i miss her so much!) and my throat is a bit flamey. i've never been semi-excited to go to the doctor before, but i really wanna know what the fuck is up. i feel horribly guilty because i've missed so much work, but i can't stop sleeping. plus, do they really want sloth greeting guests? i think not. oh, if only my camera wasn't broken.

in other news, greg and shellie will be here thursday to start their hunt for a new house. we will have our cd release party monday night, and while i might not be able to party it up, i'm totally stoked. i got a car. i'm going home to see my mommy on may 13. i MIGHT get to see my favorite gig harbor family sometime this month AND i'm sitting 3rd row center for creekie night 1. yay for the good things. :)

i got tickled last night.

WHO TICKLES AT THIS AGE?!?!

number survey

thirteen random things you like:
(1) waking up as the person you're sleeping with adjusts the sheets so you're covered and rubs your back, while not knowing you're awake
(2) when 56 degrees feels warm just because it's sunny
(3) wasabi peas
(4) hugs
(5) pink floyd: live at pompei
(6) that these things have been said to me in the past week by two people i adore who exist in my physical life "i just love being with you," and "amanda, you're something else."
(7) giving people gifts, no matter how small
(8) paul telling me all about farming and apples
(9) hot hot showers
(10) jeff buckley
(11) "the handmaid's tale"
(12) super volcanoes
(13) giggling and goosebumps as a result of really amazing music

twelve movies you like:
(1) american beauty
(2) o brother where art thou
(3) frida
(4) the motorcycle diaries
(5) best in show
(6) gladiator
(7) eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
(8) the english patient
(9) terms of endearment
(10) interview with the vampire
(11) blow
(12) divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood

eleven good bands/artists:
(1) dmb
(2) pink floyd
(3) wilco
(4) ani difranco
(5) RADIOHEAD
(6) modest mouse
(7) otis redding
(8) jason mraz
(9) phish
(10)bjork
(11)jimi hendrix

ten things about you:
(1) wind is my least favorite element
(2) i have a consuming fascination with volcanoes
(3) i am amazingly restrained and passive when it comes to "making the first move". til the ice is broken, at least.
(4) i ask virtually everyone i meet what their sign is pretty much right away.
(5) i am not good at belonging to a group. i like individual relationships.
(6) i love turquoise.
(7) consumerism bothers me more and more every day and i've got quite the inner battle going on as to what to do about that.
(8) i got to go to a Q&A session with nick mason this week and i'm still not over it.
(9) i use the word "love" very liberally and don't think it takes away meaning.
(10)the thought of the end of the world doesn't scare me at all.

nine good friends:
(1) mel
(2) shellie
(3) greggie
(4) ben
(5) josh
(6) aden
(7) janie
(8) paul
(9) your mom

eight favorite foods/drinks:
(1) lasagna
(2) sushi(with brown rice please)
(3) chicken phad thai
(4) oranges
(5) avocados
(6) salad with fresh bazil, mozerella, tomatoes, red bell peppers, purple onion and my home made balsamic vinaigrette
(7) wine
(8) cheese

seven things you wear daily:
(1) chapstick
(2) bra
(3) earrings
(4) rings
(5) a hair tie(be it on my wrist or in my hair)
(6) something that smells good
(7) zits!

six things that annoy you:
(1) ignorance
(2) when people leave the sponge in a pool of water in the kitchen sink
(3) republicans
(4) w.
(5) when my nose whistles when i breathe
(6) forgetting to wear a belt

five things you touch everyday:
(1) myself :)
(2) the shower
(3) a music player of some sort
(4) toothbrush
(5) your mom

four tv shows you watch:
(1) satc
(2) any mtv reality show. though i refuse to watch them when they're actually on.
(3) er(reruns only for the most part)
(4) friends

three celebrities you have a crush on:
(1) dave fucking matthews
(2) jason mraz
(3) vince vaughn

two people you'd like to smack:
(1) the president
(2) many people's asses

One Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With:
(1) ha

Name 4 books on your bookshelf:
4. wuthering heights
3. handmaid's tale
2. poetry of pablo neruda
1. little birds
(those are just the ones next to my bed)

Name 4 DVDs in your collection:
4. the cell
3. sex and the city season 4
2. reefer madness
1. gorge

Name 4 things on your walls:
4. hand painted feather from costa rica
3. a picture of melia
2. big ol' dave matthews next to my bed
1. salvador dahli stuff

Name 4 things in your closet:
4. dirty clothes
3. blankets
2. loose change
1. condoms

Name 4 artists in your music collection (playlist or other):
4. modest mouse
3. jack johnson
2. radiohead
1. incubus

Name 4 real life stores you shop at regularly:
4. whole foods
3. safeway
2. bookstores
1. best buy

Name 4 animals that you've come face-to-face with in real life:
4. sting rays
3. dolphins
2. javelina
1. snakes

Name 4 things in your wallet/purse:
4. lemon butter cuticle cream
3. umbrella
2. pens
1. discman

oh settled into the dream you had babe
andi've been waiting there
it's what you said
but, oh, now that i find so many lie
makes me wanna cut you down where you stand
i gave it all to you my friend
to find you're playing me like a fool
i've done it all to you
so we go back to the start again, yeah

oh so the dream start
every other time
won't you won't you think again
how could i when i look into your eyes
i don't see the love i see the lie

you're not crazy
it's one big lie
you think that i'm crazy
well that's not gonna fly

so
hey hold on
maybe i come back but i have things that i got to do and
none of it includes you at all
and i remember i remember good times
yeah, before the dream came down
like a ton of bricks on the ground
before the dream we had hit me like a freight train
left me here lying dead

i'm crazy
oh to live the simple lie
i know i'm not crazy
oh just to learn to fly

don't stand there oh crying all your tears
let them flood the floor
could you give up the super sweet girl
we go back to the top and you think i'm crazy

so oh one last time
one more chance
you think we can go ahead

crazy
won't get by
you think that i try easy
oh just to get by
you think that i'm crazy
bye bye
you think that i'm crazy
i'm gonna let this fly



that's 6.18.04. the next night. i love seeing how lyrics change. SO MUCH.

you came out of a love affair
i wonder, stare darling
oh man let's leave the game
i wonder what you meant when you said one thing
but did another
what you'd give to be me
or what i be
yeah but stay
look what you do, what you do
but please just stay away from me

i stopped to cry just a couple times
and then i'm gonna get heavy on you
you said oh this is the last night
last night i'm coming back cuz i swear
now i know what you do

you're crazy
if it helps you get by
i tell you you're crazy

oh mercy that you did
you come on so like a train into me
stop what do i make of you
i tell you i make nothing at all
offers that you this you did you got your time
and everything is standing
i look like a fool
but do you so when you shed those tears
falsely ever was it said
i will not swim in the river then

you've gone crazy
once you get by
i tell you you're crazy
if you think that'll fly
please

couple times i said i wanna give it all
you say well i'll take it back to the top
and you say you wanna start again
i say no way no way
but you convince me again
you get me back there

oh just one time
i'd like to be standing staring at you
broken from myself

you're crazy once you get by
i tell you you're crazy
if you wanna live this lie
i tell you you're crazy
if you think that'll fly
i tell you you gotta be crazy
if you think that'll fly

oh let's have a good time



crazy easy 6.17.04. could i love this song any more? could i relate to those specific lyrics any more? did dave get a peak into my brain or something?

the ever-decisive dream trick
has lept into my love
possibly sprung from my baseless worry
whose root lies in instinct
but you keep wading in
leaving me sleepy and motherly
for the sight of you there makes me giddy,
and with the apparent turning of tides
resculpt my brain
lead instinct astray
and be banished to my reality
and well

woundedly confused
crushed between excitement and drudge
you apparently feel the same
but your sing-song nature always wins.

i'm tied across these fading lines
unclear which way to walk
with two left feet
a little bleak
but you kept me from sleep last night
your brown sugar
so apparently that springtime bloom thing
applies here as well.

i love beautiful men. wait, shit. that is just way too large and general of a statement. but really, when i guy hits some pose, or says some wonderfully sensible great piece of wisdom...i love that feeling you get. the head-tilted, jaw slightly slack feeling. the feeling you get when you watch aidan in sex and the city. that need to just rub your cheek against him, or breathe in the crook of his neck.

yum.

spent 18 hours waiting stoned for space
i spent the same 18 hours in the same damned place
I’m on a road trip like a figure 8
I’m going nowhere but I’m guaranteed to be late

you go out like a rip tide
you know a ball has no sides
you’re an angel with an amber halo
black hair and the devil’s pitchfork
wind up anger with the endless view of
the grounds colorful patchwork
how have you been?
how have you been?

i drove around for hours
i drove around for days
i drove around for months and years and never went no place
we’re on a pass, we’re on a pass
i stopped for gas, but where could place be
to pay for gas to drive around
around the interstate 8


well, not to state the obvious or out of date, but i love modest mouse. the way they’ve captivated my attention is absolutely only comparable to my dmb fixation. it’s the only thing I’ve encountered that i can compare it to. and what a great feeling.

i haven’t blogged in a while. time just goes so damned fast. and, you know, it really is remarkably true that “everyday things change, but basically they stay the same.” we got fooled into thinking it was gonna be an early spring, but now mother nature is laughing, “suckers! i gotta get some rain and drear in there somewhere! how about now?” i do like the wetness, though. it’s very sexy. and just so necessary.

broken hearts want broken necks
I’ve done some things that i want to forget but i can’t
broke my face and ran out of time
sometimes I’m so full of shit that it can be a crime
broke a promise cuz my car broke down
such a classic excuse, it should be bronze by now

I’ve been in a very strange headspace as of late. not terribly angsty, but things are definitely off. and for once, there are legitimate reasons, which is kinda nice. but i just spent all morning and part of the afternoon REALLY cleaning. and that usually helps to clear the brain a bit.

i do love sunshine. it’s breaking through right now, and there’s a big patch of blue sky right around my neighborhood and it sure is cheery.

speaking of, i cannot wait for summer. no, really, i can’t. if i breathe in just right when i think about it, it tweaks some great sex-chord in my body and the need for tank tops and summer nights with music on and windows open just skyrockets.

i have a fascination with frida kahlo. diego rivera as well, but the center of it begins with her. i saw the movie a few months ago, and i was totally taken with it. the story and their personalities AND their art. i mean, i can appreciate art, but I’ve never really looked at anything like i look at their work. it’s some good stuff. and the love story...wow. i get off on that shit. a similar one that comes to mind is the relationship between stevie nicks and lindsey buckingham. hell yes.

what else? hm.

jeremy is here. he’s been here for 2 weeks. this means that greg and shellie will be here in less than 2 months and i cannot wait.

having jeremy here has definitely helped to bring this realization of what a good thing i have going on up here. i have friends. i really do. i have friends who live here who i confide in and who i can hang out with and who bring such enrichment to my life. those days when i had that group mentality thing going on are so far gone. i love having my own independent life with many different friends who i have independent relationships with. this is home, and there are attachments to support that, and that’s a wonderful feeling.

bobbo said something last night about camping with him and bill and bri, and sitting by a fire eating grilled cheese, and i just can’t wait for that fantasy to materialize. it’s gonna be a good, good time.

oh man. the next song is killer.

have i told you
you can really get it on?
I’m was at an all nite diner
the sign said triple x but they were talking about rootbeer
I’m just sitting here
thinkin bout nothing
looking at the thin air
breathing up the oxygen
have i told ya
you can really get it on?

a guy comes up
he’s looking preatty 8-ball
snaggletooth smile
sits down at my table
puts his arm around me
starts to share his information
he said, he said
this is what he said
“i have sex, I’m always thinking about the pavement
so i can avoid premature ejaculation”
i got up
remembering to thank him
better things to do
so I’ll start drinking
I’m in tahonka, now I’m gonna hook up
with the parties unfortunately nobody has any ideas, damn
have i told ya
you can really get it on?

no, really, that’s actually on a song that needs to go on a sex cd i swear I’ll make eventually. when I’m inspired to do so. and really, there’s been no inspirational sex in my life, so i don’t see it coming any time soon.

:)

things at work were rough for a while. just typical shit going down. it’s a yearly thing, there, and we all somehow deal with the blows to morale and the general bullshit. some of us stick around. some leave. I’m very very very torn. it’s such a love-hate relationship.


I’m lonesome when you’re around
and I’m never lonesome when I’m by myself

i miss you when you’re around


I’ve been reading a lot a lot. i love it. I’m addicted to books. took a fieldtrip downtown to the library last week sometime. holy mother of god, that is a cool library. no, seriously. insanely so. just the building itself and how they have it set up, not to mention the books. if you ever come to seattle, you should make a point of at least driving by, if not just coming over here so we can take the bus down and have a little adventure.

a nice heart in a white suit
and a baby blue sedan
and i am doing the best that i can

ooooh, I’ve also been listening to jeff buckley. who so many people have told me to check out and I’d never heard anything. oooooh, that seal was broken and i really do love what i hear. his voice...oh, his voice.

lots of radiohead too. amnesiac has been recently digested and i think I’ll move on to either kid A or OK computer next. oh, and some otis redding. and interpol. and YES, I’m even making time for dmb. listened to trax vol 3 today while i was cleaning, and it was a good good time.

100 miles is a long time inside a car
200 miles is a long drive inside a car
300 miles is a long drive inside a car...


easter was super fun. i worked, of course. but then i came home and made lasagna and bread and salad and jen and ramsey came over. oh and ben too. and the food was great, and so was the wine. and then we got real stoned and colored eggs. we had the super-dooper scooby doo coloring kit. this is some high tech shit. it even had this little plastic contraption with holes in it and a little dropper so you could tye-dye the eggs. yeah, we were highly(hahaha) entertained.

this is getting long. maybe I’ll post it and then try to write more.