my 2 week check up was today. nothing particularly encouraging., but nothing awful. but i'm so used to dissapointment at this point that i left the office in a pretty damned phenomenal mood if i do say so myself.

truth of the matter is, there's not much change. i'm grateful for the little things, like being able to bend three of my toes and a bit more resistance in parts of my foot. but the sciatic pain is far worse than before the surgery. i've been assured that this is because since the pressure has been taken off of the nerve, the pain is from the nerve repairing itself. fair enough. but it's still frusterating in so many ways. i can now sit for three hours a day instead of an hour and a half. i can drive...but it's like, where can i go when i can sit so little? i don't want to eat anything because i cannot exercize at all. i'm scared to death what the vicodin is doing to my body, so i try not to take it. i get loopy as hell if i don't take my valium...and then today they perscribed another narcotic that specifically targets nerve pain.


can't go back home. but...whatever. i've decided that come october 14th, after my 6 week recovery period(FULL recovery is 3 months), i'm moving to seattle. permanently. i'm going to transfer schools, and i'm going to take out loans and i'm going lead the most amazing life possible, because i deserve a lot better than this.

the thing that has made me feel the most empty and has therefore brought out more strength than i knew i had is the fact that jane, greg and jeremy have been the only ones to make contact with me since the surgery. jane and greg have been incredible,calling all the time and visiting often. jeremy has stopped by a few times and calls. today he stopped by to bring more cookies that his mom made(no, i haven't touched them). as for everyone else...ALL of the highschool boys...nothing. not a word. a few came to visitme the first night in the hospital, but not even a call since then. that just blows my mind. maybe i do downplay things...but that is just...i had open back surgery. this isn't an ingrown toenail kids. and...well, i think mel put it best - what they've done is weak. it upset me for a while, but it's really put a lot of things in perspective and made my decisions a lot easier. and...confirmed a lot of things as well.


as for my friends around the country...i am one fucking lucky girl. flowers, gifts, jumping monkeys, bonseye trees, shows, videos, calls, emails...they have made it so much more bearable.

it's been a tough two months. it has tested my ability to stay optimistic. i now know that things can get worse than you dreamed(or that your dreams can tell you things are going to get worse...) but...i don't know. i'm in the process of making an "i remember" list in my paper journal. it starts last october with my mayer/timmy/groundwork run, and is comprised of all these precious memories i have made since then.

dude, my life rocks.

and it's all what you make of it, cha know? every single moment.