so.

i gave myself two days without him. well, not completely, as he called yesterday to talk about some tickets we'd ordered. but anyway. today was his last day of class. and i knew he'd want to go out. so he called of course to tell me to go out, and then gave me a guilt trip when i didn't wanna go(i'd had a bit to drink already and didn't feel like dealing with a small crowd consisting of him, her and two other friends). so i went.

and i wasn't in a good mood anyway, because while the freak shit didn't bother me at first, i suddenly realized that this is the second time in less than a month that i've been made into something i'm not by fucked up whores who should keep their mouths fucking shut. so i got there and i was steaming. i vented to megan and aden. felt a little better. actually, felt a lot better, as aden made the four of us(whore had gone to the bathroom) all hold hands and told me that my true friends knew who i was and that nothing else mattered.

but then.
i wasn't that good again. besides the fact that i have to get over him, i have to deal with the fact that one of my dearest friends is getting closer and closer to a relationship with someone i cannot stand. and there are few people in the world who i just can't stand. we're talking less than ten. how can that not effect our relationship? and he's so fucking ashamed, yet he's trying so hard to pretend like if he just includes both of us it'll be fine.

well, i can't be around it. i'm so fucking vunerable right now, and i do not want people like that in my life. i Just Don't Trust Her. and it sucks because all of his friends are my friends. and if i wanna distance myself from the two of them, it means distancing myself from my sanity, really, because friends are everything right now. but i can't stand watching this girl get off on the fact that he's "choosing her over me."

and i couldn't help but be slightly bitchy to him. everyone got up to dance, and i grabbed a cigarette. now, see, i "quit" a week and a half ago, and asked him to help me. i had two tonight, and he didnt bother stopping me because he was otherwise distracted. but when they weren't around, he grabbed my cigarette and took it away. i grabbed another and lit it and blew it in his face. he got up and left.

it's so stupid and trite, but i couldn't help myself. amazing what hurt will do to a person who otherwise has such control.

it's like i'm sparing myself, because i know that if they do end up together she won't allow me to be in his life. and it's like i'm weeding him out because i can't believe someone i trusted so much would fall for someone who he knows i have legitimate problems with. plus, he was just telling me not a week ago how he was so dissapointed in his ex for getting into a relationship,for reasons that lasted for one of the longest emails i've ever gotten. he's so fucking lost, and he knows i know it and he's running from it and i HATE it.

AAAAAAAARGH.


i can't fucking stand this girl. do you know how hard it is to be sitting at a table of five, and to have a good time, but to avoid talking to one of those 5 at all costs? at one point, aden and megan had gotten up to close their tabs, ,and i was sitting across from him and her. and i just stared at them. and i could tell how uncomfortable it made them, but for the love of fuck, if you're gonna forge a relationship you'd better fucking deal with the fact that i'm gonna be around. she would not make eye contact with me. he would, and i just stared him down, smiling. because i'm not fucking going anywhere. and he thanked me for coming out to celebrate his last day of classes and i just said "i didn't want to, but i knew it was important to you." i hate being a bitch like that. but FUCK! how many times in my life can my best guy friends chose to be with girls i can't stand??!! how many times in my life can guys i have fallen for choose girls i can't stand??!! is something wrong with me? lol.

i don't understand how this all works. and i can't believe that not only has she gotten away with the shit that she pulled - she's being rewarded for it.

and i can't fucking find the quote i want right now and it's annoying me.

and it's also annoying me that megan just called to talk about fucking bullshit and i totally snapped at her and hung up on her.