i don't like waking up crying. and i don't like feeling like this depression is completely stupid and without reason. and i've decided that there is absolutley no point in hoping for the best, because it keeps getting worse. and i feel like a child at how heartbroken i am that i'm missing my 10 show run. and i feel like i will most definitely go insane if i don't get home soon, and i know that i'm not going home soon.

and i can't breathe, and my stomach is permanently clenched and i don't even care anymore where i am when i start crying or who's around. and i don't talk much and i don't really even see the world around me, except for a few clear hours a day late at night when i'm in my mom's car driving and music is playing and i can just pretend that my life isn't completely fucked right now.

and i'm glad that everyone is commenting on how i can keep my sense of humor. because i don't feel it when i say it.

and did i mention that sitting around all fucking day long is driving me crazy?

and knowing what i'm missing in my life is driving me crazy? i fucking cried when i read the set list last night. because that was night 1 of 10, and i can't believe i'm fucking missing it all.

and i keep coming up with resolutions, and things that i can do for myself to make myself better and focus on pretty much rebuilding my body so that i can lead the live i want, but then i'll wake up the next day and get some new piece of news that sabotages those plans that were so important to me. and that gave me such hope. so fuck hope. i'll just keep expecting the worst, and maybe one of these days i'll hear something that's not quite as bad as i thought it was gonna be instead of 100000 times worse than i hoped it was going to be.

i *need* to go home. i need to be able to walk outside during the day and look around and feel that slow smile creep across my face. i need to be away from here, and away from grandparents, and away from friends who i *do* love an insane amount(i'm just not at all ready for the drama that goes along with such a huge social life). everything here is just too overwhelming.

but instead, i have to wait more.