ok.
so.
shit starts going down with the whole brother thing. and it does get to me, and it does stress me out, but i've always been the type of person to detach myself. the fact of the matter is that when this all broke a few months ago, i was in a very good place in my life. i had just flewn to the philly show, and for the first time on my life i could consider myself happy, or nearly so. so i carried on with my life, with plenty of laughter. granted, if it had happened just a matter of weeks earlier, well...like brian has said. he would have had to move back here.

and then my sister would call. "how are you doing? are you ok, because i know this is very difficult for you and i just want to make sure you're ok." she'd call to check up on me obsessively, and it really got on my nerves. she means well, but she didn't seem to believe my "i'm doing fine" response. i'm not going to go off about all of the things going on in my life that i love and that are exciting as hell, because 1.) she and i aren't very close, and i wouldn't really talk to her about it anyway and 2.)maybe i SHOULD feel worse than i do?

point is, i get a call from her last night that i was lucky enough to be in the bathroom for. any time anyone says to me "i just wanted to touch base with you" it makes me feel like they're my god damned employer or something. lol. so i have this long voicemail about how she hopes i'm ok, and...yeah. then, same thing from my mom. "this isn't urgent, i just wanted to call and make sure you're doing ok."

this brings up a whole shistaload of issues that i won't even get into about how i deal with stress and depression(hah. i don't!). and what my relationships with my family members are like. i mean...my mom and i are extremely close, but i just can't let her in. i've never been able to - chalk it up to the fact that after my dad died, i pretty much became the mom of the family. it's ingrained pretty hardcore in my psyche, and so if anyone is going to see my pain(which happens on rare occasions), it will NOT be her.

but back to the point.


what WAS the point?

oh, right. the point WAS that yes, i am worried as all hell about daniel. this disease terrifies me. there is nothing subtle about it, he is insane when he doesn't take his medication. i have no clue what is going to happen, and no control over the situation.

but, i realize that i have no control over it. i will be here for my mom, and i'll be here for daniel, but i'm not going to sink into some depression over it. i'm living my life right now, and i'm loving every second of that, and i'm not going to change it because i'm getting cues from other people on how i should be feeling.

and in the meantime, might i just mention how awesome people online are being? keepin that smile on my face.

this blog could go on and on and on...but i've gotta take a shower and clean up a bit. megan is coming over for some dmb enlightenment time. :)

and i'm listening to my first show. aaaaah, memories...