you know what it is?

i am just so verging on unhappy in so many areas of my life right now, and there is nothing in my immediate future to look forward to. that sounds way more tragic than it actually is, but words are a bitch sometimes. i could list all of these things, but then they'd be out there. recognized by myself and known by others. and that would probably take the "verging" away from the idea.

and of course, it comes back to my ridiculous life o' touring.

i really just don't know that this oakland thing is going to happen. and while not going may just end up being the best idea, i don't think i could escape the disapointment. i'll deny it in public to the bitter end, but i think it's gonna effect me. hell, it already is to some small extent. if i'm not going, i want that weekend to just get here and pass so that i can not be sad about it anymore.