ok. i have a notebook in front of me in which i've scribbled very random things. i'm going to type them out, in the order they appear. keep in mind: they weren't written in this order or at the same time.

do you know that you were just talking in mid air?

i can't handle how my life goes.

i know how to avoid the karma of getting out of things.

there will be a shower in there somewhere...because i want that for my life today.

debacle

what magazine? "convenient theories for you monthly"?

i'm at the end of my little rope and i am swinging back and forth about you.

being john malcovich
blow
say anything

friskies commercials make you realize one thing: NO CATS.

valley girl
girls just wanna have fun
fast forward
fargo
royal tannenbaums
arlington road
fear and loathing



facilitating communication is a good thing.

i can't get over how intense i sense that it could be. do i just want you because i could have that with you? is there someone else?


apparently, thinking about you truly makes me neurotic. i mean, sure, i still handle it exceptionally well, but every once in a while i really get a clue as to how true that is.

i know. it'll pass. i'll have a little bit more of the constant pre-occupation. but then i'll pass. suffocated for a little big longer until you decide you need to see if i'm still there - still an option.

but i just don't know that i will be.

because...actually "suffocation" is a strong word. what could have been with us was crossed out as an option way before it had a chance to bloom. we never got to actually see what would happen.

and i suppose i could say i can wait. it'd be true right now. but i don't know if that will change. i want you to make the decision based on what's true now and risk it, because nothing can be pre-determined.

it'd be a major experience for both of us, that's for sure. but maybe you're really really not the kind of person i'd want to make that journey with. i just can't figure out if that's really true.


should i just eat cake for the rest of my life

are they airbrushing babies now?

i can't believe you've made me this way. you've made me believe in love in the strangest ways. you've changed my understanding of it so completely.

and it's not to say "i'm madly in love with you." it's just amazing to me that THIS relationship taught me all that. we're not together. it's demented and screwy and fucked up and "over."

but despite all that. such a growth experience.

i cannot believe i can't share all of that with you.

i can't believe i WANT to.



i don't know why i still want you so bad.

i really don't.

it's really confusing. i'm totally not the type to want someone just because they want me. but then again...has that really happened all that much before now? what can i compare it to?

nothing. that's the rub and the reason.



some people really really just don't deal well with change at all(and i'm not at all talking about how much i hate that i have to give the pizza boy change). i mean, they really let it set them off balance in a very uncomfortable way. but that's kinda what life is - change - and how you deal with it.

hell, i deal with it well and it still manages to make me slightly neurotic. but i love it. it keeps it interesting. this whole manager business - it's a little crazy and i kinda like that - especially knowing my time doing it has a definite end date. i can just roll with it and take a lot out of it without having it
stress me out. because it really honestlyis just not the career path i'd choose for myself anyway.