(written 1.29 sometime during the day)

a few interesting things happened last night while out with my mom. first, at the opening of this restaurant, we ran into the father of my best friend from like 2nd-5th grades. when he asked what i was up to, my mom really didn't give me a chance to answer. instead, she launched into the back surgery story. i had to tell her later on that one, i can answer myself, and two, i like telling people what i've actually done in the past few years. i think it's exciting and i like talking about it. the surgery was more than a year ago and doesn't need to be the summary of my life. now, i know that it's not a shame thing to her, i think she just thinks it makes me uncomfortable and so she tries to...answer for me or something.

anyway.

second, she told me about a talk she and grandpa had saturday. he didn't understand why i wasn't helping with the garage sale. so she finally explained to him how nearly impossible it is for me or daniel to be around my gramy. because she is so negative and because of the way she treats him. i'll go around every once in a while, but i've made a very concious decision and she has to support that. my mom went through years of therapy and she as well as her siblings are convinced that's the reason she deals with her mom so well. i feel bad, especially for my grandpa, but everything she told him was true. both of them hate that i'm not in school and living at home and i think that they see my distance from them as shame, when that couldn't be further from the truth. it's so strange when your family doesn't know you at all. they still see me as this quiet, shy girl. they know nothing of who i've become, any of my aspirations or goals...mainly because they're scared shitless at reports they've heard of dave matthews smoking weed (oh no!) and because the concept of "sociology" is a joke to them.

my mom told him that she supports whatever i do because she knows i have it in me to do amazing things in whatever path i chose.

it's so strange how people in my grandparents generation are so stuck on how it al should be, no deviations. they are so consumed with fear of change and distrust in the world. what a miserable existance. but hell - it serves as a good example of how not to live my life.