elaborating on my previous post(for esther's sake)...


ya see, february 26th marks the birthday of someone i love to bursting. i've been needing a fix of this guy for a while now, and i really wanted to make it out there for his birthday. but, of course, i shouldn't spend the money. but then i saw that there was an amazing airfare for $123 ROUNDTRIP from phoenix to cincy, and i figured if it lasted until i got paid friday, i'd go ahead and grab it.

but, alas, it did not. and i was really really bummed. because...well, my friends just ARE my priority. it is so important to me to be there for this birthday, whether or not it's a big deal to him or anyone else. weddings, big birthdays, whatever...i just feel like i need to be there for that shit because it's celebrating people i love with all my heart, who i just don't see nearly enough. it's not "another" dmb show, it goes so far beyond that.

but on the other hand, i am working for something right now. moving is extremely important to me, and i want to save the money. so i had kinda come to the decision that i wasn't going to go.

but then i was kinda thinking about it thursday at work. and...there's been a lot going on in the past couple months with several friends of mine, and it absolutely totally kills me that i can't be with them when they need me to be. it really really does. i mean, you can sit and chat online or on the phone, but sometimes you need to go over and just be with that person and give them support in the form of your presence. and i was thinking to myself how i know that's what my priority is. fuck money. there's definitely a big hole in my life when these people are missing, and i know that it's not going to get better because lord knows i ain't moving over there and they ain't moving over here...and i'm cutting the trips to see dmb places other than here for the most part, and they only venture out this way for the gorge...so something's gotta give, because it's something that eats at my brain ever now and then.

and then i was talking on the phone with another friend of mine. and he was asking me if i was going and blah blah blah. and i said no, and tried to explain my reasoning. and he was pretty shocked. and then he said something to me along the lines of "where are your priorities...this isn't the girl i know." and it really just shook me into place. probably partially because of who was saying it and the fact that it might just be the One True Thing he's ever said to me. he just hit the nail on the head completely.

[tangent...it's so strange when you really think someone doesn't know you. they totally misread you, and you just know that their entire interpretation of your being is completely off. and then they say one thing that rings so true and makes you think, hey. wow. they did catch a glimpse of who i really am. go figure. (bastard)


so at this point, i don't know what's going on with it. i want to be there. but fares just skyrocketed again, and while i am saying fuck money, i intend on paying cash for this trip so i've gotta find something more affordable. good thing is, i came home yesterday to an abnormally bloated paycheck, so i'm definitely gonna be more than fine if i can just FIND something in a reasonable range. bad thing is...i don't know that that will happen.

anyway.

it was a lot more intriguing with just the one liner, wasn't it? :)