ok...here's what i just wrote out.

i'm so torn between staying here to finish school and going back to washington. so fucking torn. some days i really feel like i'd be ok staying here. other days i really don't. whichever decision i make, i'm going to have to stick with it. i mean, that's logical. but it puts so much pressure on the decision, especially if i do decide to stay here.

school...
going back to the UA would definitely be the easier path. i'd just have to reapply. it's cheaper, and i know where i stand with credits and such. to transfer would involve a lot of non-laziness. i'd have to get my application together, figure out which of my credits would transfer, and really start over again in a lot of ways - IF i got accepted. the reasons i had to change schools were very very valid. UA is not an exceptional education. i was wanting something more than what i was getting...more guidance and advice. i wanted to go to a school that would help me figure out just what the hell i want to do with my life, because i know that i have it in me to do something amazing. i do have a lot of hostility towards the UA. it really pisses me off in so many ways. they're cutting programs, they've got hiring freezes and the construction on campus is out of control. it's being run into the ground along with the rest of this state.

socially...
washington and here would be totally different. but both good. i'd make friends there, but the relationships wouldn't have time to develop. as much as i need my alone time, i'm a very social creature. i like having people to go out with. i really like the huge network of friends i have here. when i was in tacoma, though, it worked too. i went out, yet i stayed home a lot too. mike and becky no longer live there. god knows i had a blast with mel and lisa, and i think part of whyit worked so well was because we lead our own lives. they're like family in a lot of ways. and mel and i had a ton of fun and i loved going to shows with him...that's definitely something i think i'll always miss. i really really do miss living there, because of all that i had access to...

financially...
well, i'm fucked there. completely. no matter what i do, i've got a ton of debt. i guess that means staying here would be more sensible for that reason. but...life is too short for me to even consider making that the #1 priority. i'll work with it.

i think the number one priority should probably be finishing school so that i'm not so restricted and i can move towards living my life the way i want to live it.

were i to stay in tucson, i could no way no how continue living at home. my mom really isn't that bad, but i need my own space so badly. i need to be able to come home and smoke a bowl and chill by myself if i want to. i miss buying a bottle of wine and spending the night talking on the phone playing catch up with friends. i really cant do that right now. i miss having free reign to decorate my entire living space the way i want to.

ugh. i don't know. would i be miserable staying here? there's definitely little periods of time where i think i would. but i'm not feeling that right now. i'd have to push aside all the things i miss about living elsewhere and suck it up to get through school. make the most of the education i'd be finishing here.

i guess maybe part of me is afraid that if i don't go back to seattle now, i won't have the chance to ever again. because i'm dealing with so many issues of being far apart from people i really would like to see more often...and it's really seriously changing how i see my life. but...maybe i need to not think about that right now. because i don't know what the rest of my life is gonna bring.

as of right now, i'd say im' gonna stay in tucson. but i don't know that i could actually say that out loud to anyone.