so there's a lot going on in this here brain. and i figured i'd type some excerpts from my paper journal(i just started a new one yesterday) cuz that's where it's at. i know there's a few of you i don't talk to that often who might like to know what's going on.

sunday, aug 18 4:42PM

so i've just made a really huge decision. i'm not going to the gorge.

everyone keeps telling me that i need to tell myself i'm going, because it'll help my recovery. and then just deal with the dissapointment later if i can't go. but i can't put myself behind that. my whole being is telling me to be realistic and going to the gorge 2 weeks after having open back surgery just doesn't seem realistic to me.

i've been thinking about everything so much this weekend. and i just had a pretty big conversation with jeremy about it. and i know i'm making the right choice. it's hard for me for so many reasons, the biggest being that i know the two different paths i can choose will have startlingly different impacts on my life. and while i always have 2 paths to choose from, it is rare that i am armed with insight from a journey like the one i've been on in the past month and a half.

i've given up a lot. it's so strange how everything has happened. while i've felt the emptiness so much as of late of "is someone in the heavens looking back down on me" i've never been more sure that everything happens for a reason. fate and destiny have never been more real. and knowing that i can shape my destiny is very comforting, though there are certain situations in which we have no control.

i've realized just in the past hour what the two biggest lessons i was meant to learn are. the first is something i've known for a while but never put my soul behind. the second takes my breath away because it's such a departure from my current way of thinking.

i have to put myself first. i have to take care of myself and i have to put my well being and my recovery above everything.


secondly - i have to look outside the moment. i've been so wrapped up in living for the moment and doing things now that i don't even look past next month unless there's a show to think about. i still very much believe that "every day should be a good day to die." and the whole attitude of no regrets that's so integral to dmb's music. but the realization that if i don't focus on myself now, and take time to allow myself to heal, much more than gorge 2002 is gonna pass me by.


it is harsh to know i won't be there. i remember las year so well and i know that this year can only be better. the gorge for me signifies the culmination of so many things. and i guess this year will be no different, even though i won't actually be there.


i'm just going to let that last thought stand on it's own.


i know i've still got a lot to get through. but by backing up this decision - a big decision for me - i feel this inner strength that assures me i'm going to come out of this one million times better. i don't doubt that it's going to be hard at times. i still have to deal with some of the dissapointment of not going, too. and if by some miracle on sept. 2 i'm feeling like i can conquer the gorge, i won't hold myself back. but i'm not expecting that. i need to treat myself right.


what i am going to do is go back home in 3 weeks. (the placement of this surgery is one thing i forgot to write about. had it been one week earlier all systems would have been go. why? i don't know. but i do know that one week ago i had not learned these lessons i was meant to learn. everything happens for a reason...) i am going to go in on wednesday and then spend a lot of quality time listening to quality music. i am going to regain function in my foot. and then i am going to go back to tacoma and finish recovering. i'm going to treat myself to jack shows in seattle and vancouver as a bon voyage to the area, and then i am going to go back to tucson.


and then?


well, and then i am going to experience the biggest reward i'll ever have given myself - phish on new years eve.



monday, august 19, 3:10PM

...i see a chiropracter who doesn't crack backs. he used pressure points...it's very holistic as well as physical. i can't really explain what he does, but it fucking works. well. and lately, my body has been "giving him" certain words that i need to focus on in between appointments. to allow myself to have a new idea about these concepts or whatever.

the word i'm supposed to focus on right now is "virtuousness." when he told me to focus on this one for the week, it struck something in me without my being able to exactly define it. i knew there was some meaning i was missing. so i chose to look it up in the dictionary, which is something i never do. i knew there was something i needed to see besides the normal "chaste; pure" definition. (which, of course, i am.)

then, there it was. the third definition:
archaic: having inherent, natural virtue or power, often of a magic or supernatural nature; endowed with potent medicinal powers beneficial in healing.



...of course i have fears, but i've always valued the power of not giving life to fears through not speaking them. not putting them out there for the universe to tumble around and play with...

i know this is all going to work out.