i have been so contemplative all weekend, but especially tonight.

you see, i haven't listened to howie since the night before i left home, when i went to see him at the paramount. i borrowed a cd i had made for jane tonight and listened to it on the way home. i ended up extending my drive home by about half an hour.

my time in seattle was so fucking amazing. i have so many incredible memories just from this tiny little slice of time. i fucking loved my life there. i was completely content with my job, with my apartment, with the view outside my window and with the people who so easily let me into their lives. every single day was like a vacation. there was so much within my grasp. i loved my solitude. i loved the music scene. i adored being able to hit shows in portland, seattle and vancouver. i loved the local bars and the fact that every single time i rounded the bend in I-5 where you can first see the city, i broke into a fit of giggles.

and with every passing moment, i am realizing that i want to make my permanent residence there. it is home. it's so weird because there are so many people who i love so dearly here in tucson...but...well, that's another tangent. as much as i love them, and as much as i am intrigued by certain people and feel the need to explore my relationships with them, i don't belong here. i might go insane here. nothing ever changes in tucson. i feel my old complexes and insecurities creeping back inside me, and i feel helpless to stop it.

but i know that no matter how much i might want to go back to seattle and find a new place to live and establish residency and finish school there, odds are i won't be able to do that. because if i do need to have surgery, i'm gonna have to be around my mom and people who will be able to take care of me for some period of time.

life is so damned strange. the things it tosses your way... i feel like i need to figure out the reasons that things have fallen into place as they have, so that i can learn all the lessons life seems to think i need to learn, and then move on. but it's such a daunting and complex task. and all i really wanna do is go home and feel that inner peace again... but i know that there's a lot that i need to deal with before that can happen. and it might be a long time before i can go back. i don't know.

i just don't know.