i'm watching mtv's meth special... god, it's taking me back.

not that i've done the shit. quite the opposite. events in my life have made me absolutley scared shitless of the stuff. it horrifies me, it worries me, it pisses me off... and i'm glad i have that reaction, because that will keep me the hell away from it.

it makes me think about john. it makes me remember the fear i felt when i knew that he was up in flagstaff with an addiction. i remember how much i hated the girl who introduced him to it.

but most of all, i remember after it was all over, and he was back living in tucson...when he first started telling me about it. we were sitting on the swings in a park at sunrise, talking about something, and he said "so what do you want to know about the meth?" i didn't know where to start or what questions to ask, so he just started telling me stories. about being up for 5 days, and thinking megan was mad at him and showing up at her house and breaking down on the floor crying once she told him she wasn't mad. about the "shadow people" he'd start to see after being up for days. standing outside of a grocery store with a bunch of other people, only to look around and realize that no one was there.

megan would do it to have enough time to balance school and work. he'd do it and flunk out of school and loose his job. but it was ok because nothing else mattered.

i remember when he first came back from flagstaff. we had a party for him, ,and when he and maggie showed up, he was incoherrant. he passed out on the couch - he'd been up for god knows how long. i remember the absolute lack of control i had over him going to meet megan to get a fix, and i remember how utterly relieved i was that he was going away for the summer to be a camp counselor(how ironic. but damn, he was good at it.)

the night before he left for camp, he had gone into my bathroom and snorted the shit, and i got PISSED. it's rare that happens, but when it does - stand back.

and then when he came back from camp. he moved in with us, and was living in my room because he couldn't deal with his parents. i don't think that he was using at that point. but then again, who knows. him and i would stay up til sunrise, go to kmart and goof around at 3 in the morning or go to the park and blow bubbles and watch the sun rise. there were so many other drugs going around at that point. acid, mushrooms. i know a few of them were doing coke, which i have the same reaction to as i do meth for the most part.

maybe he was doing it then?

i don't know.

what was the point of this?

i don't know.

this special just started me thinking...

he would bring it up every once in a while, over a bowl at 4 in the morning...telling me how much i'd like it and how much fun we'd have if we did it together. and every single time it made me sick. i'd tell him to stop. and if he wouldn't, i'd leave.

i do wonder sometimes how he's doing with that stuff. i'll hear bits and pieces every now and then. about how he's started back up, and how rachel is freaking because she wants him away from that stuff.

but i honestly don't think he'll ever stop. he's got this void inside him that is deeper than anything i've ever experienced. and it's so sad, because he has that quality that draws people to him. he's an incredible guy, and he could do so much with his life. but something is missing, and he uses drugs to fill it up.

he once told me that he started doing meth because everything else stopped effecting him. he'd do 15 hits of acid at a time and go to sleep. mushrooms didn't phase him.

i think that...a year and a half after the fact...i really AM over loosing him. it was hard not having him in my life for soooooo long because he was part of my heart. one of those soul connections that everyone looks for. such a cherished friendship.

but now, i think i'm ok with it. no more worrying about his self destructive tendencies.

and there's still that knowledge that what goes around comes around. and i hope he deals with what life doles out for him in a constructive way. because he's lost every single one of the friends that would have helped him through it.