i'm just completely drained right now. aside from the fact that i'm STILL trying to get everything out of my apartment and clean the damned thing(takes a long time when you have no help!), and I'm still trying to kick this damned cold, my grandparents have totally gotten to me.

so we're sitting at dinner in the olive garden tonight, chit-chattin and what not, when my grandma brings up something about how my mom was 3 hours late arriving in albuquerque one time when we drove over. like...she's still holding it against her. it is established that this happened 8 or 9 years ago. so my mom says, quite calmly and appologetically, mind you "wow. i wish you would have brought this up earlier so i could have cleared the air!"

and my grandma proceeds to tell her she has such a huge chip on her shoulder and that she is always putting her down.

what?

so anyway. my mom and grandpa start talking about my brother's schitzophrenia. grandpa's asking all kinds of questions. i know it's hard for them to grasp the whole thing - they came of age when mental illnesses and mood disorders were unheard of and were treated by intense doses of valium or hospitalization where patients are treated like shit. but anyway. it was a pretty intense conversation that lasted quite a long time. my grandmother sat there the entire time rolling her eyes and making faces and muttering comments under her breath about what a spoiled brat my brother is.

at one point i called her out on it. pretty much said, word for word "if you don't stop sitting over there and making faces and rolling your eyes, i'm going to go crazy. if you have something to say, please say it." to which she rolled her eyes some more and pouted.

this is my fucking grandmother. not a 7 year old.

it's difficult to take for so many reasons. first of all, i know they don't really think he's sick. they think he's been spoiled his entire life(as have i) and that a little tough love will fix it up. second of all - they've never actually even liked daniel. something they've made clear to him his entire life. i've always been the favorite grandchild(until my mom's other siblings started having kids at least. *insert eye roll here*), and they treated him like shit. he was a picky kid - unacceptable to them. he was just never what they thought he should be. so i know that coming at the mental illness thing from that angle doesn't help.

it's also difficult to take because i really appreciated my grandpa asking questions. it's such a hard thing to understand for an outsider. the things that my mom and brother and i have gone through are almost impossible to articulate because there is nothing you can relate it to. i rarely talk about the situation with daniel because is is so complex and it is soooo frustrating and impossible, and i know that words cannot possibly to justice to make people understand the absolute hopelessness of the situation. when he askes questions, i see him coming to the same point we just came out of - the frustration. because there is such a limited amount of things you can do. and you realize that the care he's getting is NOT what it should be (i'll say it again- arizona is FIFTIETH for mental health care), and it's just...so damned frusterating. but the thing is, they get to that point and then blame my mom for not doing more.

so...my grandma got more and more ancy, and then something was said. i can't remember what because it pissed me the hell off. it was something having to do with what a failure my mom is as a parent. and i saw the tears come to my mom's eyes, and she said "you wanna ride home with me?" and i said yes, and we got up and left. though not before i told my grandpa thank you for asking questions, because it helps.

so we get home, and my grandma goes into her room, slams some doors, and whatever. comes out on the couch and pouts. at this point, i'm in my room(which is right off the living room - oh GOD, i'm living at home again), and get online to check email. my mom comes in and asks her if she's ok. she won't respond. so my mom says she's sorry and that she hopes that my grandma will either talk to her or get over it. so then the whooooooooole thing starts again...and i hear them start to let it slip again about what a failure my mom is(in so many words), and how she can't convince them that it's not her parenting that put him where he is and yadda yadda.

so i went out there....to...mediate, i guess. which is what i do best in this family.

my mom is trying to explain to them...about the disease...and just...ech. it always comes back around to my grandma. my mom brought up that she had depression for a lot of her adult life - but she went to therapy for 10 years and is still on medication, but she's ok. when she goes off the medication, she can feel the depression. we're trying to explain that it's a chemical thing.

so my grandma brings up pretty much how strong she is, and..."well, i guess you're just weak."

or how my mom never apologizes for anything. or how she's bullheaded and is the ONLY one who knows anything about anything, and her opinion is the only one that counts and blah blah blah.

i mean...what the fuck? it somehow became a personal attack. disgusting. i seriously can't fucking stand these people right now. i've always known my grandma had issues...but....jeeze. my grandpa's misguided views stem mainly from the fact that he's stuck in his ways. understandable. a lot of people his age are. like i said, he has no concept of what a mental illness even is - he admitted that he doens't quite believe that daniel is sick rather than rebellious. so we talked about that, and pointed out behaviors that he's noticed...like the fact that daniel used to be a good student, ,really good kid, was a student ambassador, was supposed to be a page in DC for jim kolbe, yadda yadda...and now he...

ugh. i can't talk about this anymore. luckily, they're leaving tomorrow rather than thursday as was originally planned. so maybe i'll get some peace before i make the move(and be able to actually focus on it!)

then again, they're moving here.

ugh.

my grandpa apparently didn't know that my mom had been treated for depression(which is pretty much because my mom mentioned it once, at the beginning, to my grandma - who's response was "oh, it must be nice to have the money for that kind of thing."). he talked to her about it a little while my grandma was on the phone(i'd left the house at this point) and kinda cried a little. saying he was sorry. he was like " iknow i slapped you once when you were growing up. and i'm so sorry for that."