so, i don't believe in regret. well, not really. it's this whole "living conciencely" thing that i have. for example, i don't regret spelling that word like that right there. it's a decision i made, and i accept my laziness in not looking up the real spelling, and it's fine. you might look at me differently now, but oh well. no regrets.

but back to the point. regret is right up there with jealousy in my book of useless emotions. though, every once in a blue moon, i'll feel a pang of jealousy and just go with it. it's not gonna spawn off some crazy reaction in me. regret, though... what is that? that's something you have control over. not to mention, as i said before, it's useless! the path you've taken is the way it is...you can change things from this point on, but what you've done is what you have to work with.

well, lately, this regret thing and i have become quasi-aquaintances. i've had several instances in very recent memory where little dabbles of it have set in pretty hard core. i sometimes have such a difficult time showing someone when i want them around. feigning indifference and maybe even going so far as to ignore, when really my inner attitude is quite the opposite. keeping my hands to myself when i just wanna rub or hug or nuzzle. needing to tell someone something, but putting it off, due to lack of perfect timing or worry of being bothersome or dramatic when i know damn well if there's one thing i'm not it's dramatic. typically not bothersome either, unless we're good good friends, in which case i have free reign, and you WILL love me regardless.

what IS that, though? there's no perfect timing! if there's one thing my trials with this same sort of situation have taught me, it's that there just ain't no such thing. and when you feel like giving someone some affection, for the love of god, DO IT! unless, of course, they have touch issues, in which case it's best to just converse. and by god, i try to learn these lessons, and most of the time, with most of the loves in my life, i'm fine acting how i want when i want and why i want. but then the universe will throw someone in there and say "hey. think that girl's learned to truly express herself fully yet?" rat bastards. i just suck at it sometimes. i lean so towards the "just go with it" vein of living, which works beautifully 95% of the time, but sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horns and fucking ride...

hm. not that i have a hard time with the riding part. but i digress...

i'm just frusterated with myself.

i just went back and reread what i've wrote, and i'll admit it - the way i spelled that word up there severely bothered me. but i will not change it. no, not i.