how does it feel?


feels like a threat...of what's in your head that you'd rather forget...

gorge is in one week. and i really don't know how we're going to get out there, but one week from right now i will be about to soak up the sun at my favorite place ever. AND? i get to sit with my favorite seat partner for night one, from my favorite seats. think they'll open with my favorite song? hmmmm.

expanding on a previous blog...

there's some people in my seattle life who fufill very specific spots. well, duh, amanda. what i mean here is people like matt... a few others come to mind as well(hello, crafty. i think johnny gets the base of it - our initial bonding point. and larry. and others...). why? because they're big dead/phish/jamband fans. matt shared some stories with me the other night that made me ridiculously happy, not because of their content, but because it's fairly difficult to find people who understand what happens when you have that much passion for a band and have experienced the rather unique encounters that come with meeting people who also follow and thrive on and intently feel the music that has sculpted your life. at one point, when i was in the initial throes of the newness of these people who i was beginning to share my love with, i thought there could be nothing outside of it. it was more exclusionary, despite the wide open arms that had accepted me. now, though, i see that they have been established instead as a touchstone, or a base of people who always love me for exactly who i am and will always know the big events of my life. but yes, i have in a sense moved on. again, though - so nice to come across people who understand it. especially right now. and it's quite pleasant to run across people who also know(and don't care about) the stigma associated with loving a "jamband." lord only knows how many times i've been judged once people find out about my dmb thing - mostly because they hear a few 8 minute songs edited down to 3 minutes for the radio, and pass judgement based on that (because i must CLEARLY be a musical novice if i like such sludge as that, despite the fact that my tastes run farther abroad than most, and despite the fact that i have collectively about 16 years of musical experience with voice, instruments, theory...ok, i'm ranting...)and the fact that hardcore dorks swarm to bask in the acceptance these communities lavish...but anyway...

also expanding...blake and i were talking about motherhood. and population control. and the formation of neural pathways within the first months of life, and how they're set almost immediately, forming the way for how a person feels their entire body and therefore their experience both physical and mental. which lead me to my kinda-connundrum with the whole motherhood experience. the past year or so has seen a bursting in my soul to have a child. this is despite all logical notions to the opposite. i really honestly could not bring myself to have a child NOW, because i'm not ready, nor could i LATER because the world i live in is not a place for children. my social conscience won't allow for it - the abbreviated version being that a lot of people i know and love voted for dubya. twice.

here's where my spiritual beliefs provide so much solace and acceptance, though. because i do believe that i have had the motherhood experience. and i do believe that i will again...if not later in this life via adoption, then sometime much further down the road. right now, though, for me it would be a purely selfish indulgence because my biology is screaming for procreation because it's wired to think that my "race" or whatever will die out without it. but i don't think the mexican, OR sweedish, OR lebonese in me is in any danger of dying out because of lack of babies.

it's intense, though. every time i see a baby or a toddler, i'm prompted to actually say out loud "i want one." and i can sense that longing to see the Man I Love holding Our Child ready to pop out should i actually come across a Man I Love who Loves Me Back. oh, but that's another story...

on another note - i just harvested some BEANS! from my garden! YES!!!