hello.

i'm confused.

and because of this confusion, i have done what i have not done since...oh, at least 4 years ago. i'm consulting my divination book, and using playing cards to do readings to try and get some insight. i don't even know where my actual tarot cards are, which means they're probably no good anymore anyway. and i have quite collected enough stones for a full set of runes, so it's bicycle jumbo index playing cards all the way. they're red. i like them.

i was just taken back, though, to times spent with one of the many megan's who have passed through my life. sitting on her front porch in tucson, drinking soco and coke and talking for infinite amounts of time about the mystical aspects of love and life, feeling the complexity of it all with such passion and curiosity. doing readings based on feelings for this or that guy; focusing on astrological signs and What That Means...fun times.

so now, yes, i'm reverting. not just because of this consistent overwhelming desire for all parts of someone who says flat out "amanda, i'm not the one," and not just because i'm confused about whether these feelings are habitual or real, but because i just don't get it period. i believe in my instinct and intuition and it is screaming that there is something i'm missing here. this might just be because i'm somewhat in denial that my instinct has made me into a delusional girl. i mean, i'd accept it if it actually felt true. but, folks, despite my neverending bad luck and questionably bad taste in the men i pick, my instinct has never been wrong. not even once. sure, i've known that "he" isn't "the one," and had doubts and still gone with it, but i've recognized those doubts. and this time...they just weren't there! i mean, i knew it'd be complicated and something to work on, but fuck it- i love complexity AND working on things! so, yes, i'm confused. and yes, i'm trying to get clarity through playing cards because i just can't seem to get it any other way.

so what have they said so far? well...i shouldn't really choose the path of only providing bits of readings that say what i like the most, but i'm going to. my favorite parts so far have included relations to important relationships and new emtions...bursts of intuition that should be trusted...new starts after emotional setbacks or broken relationships, dealing specifically with unrequited love. recharging. short breaks.

hm. so yes. while the past few weeks have been magical in many ways and seen networking and new people as well as neverending love for the ones i see all the time, i can't get that thought out of myhead that sometimes comes through as a whine, and other times a desperate plea, and yet other times as just a statement of truth: "he just doesn't want me."

sometimes that's followed by thoughts of "does that mean we can just have sex so i can get this out of my system?" but i figure that's probably pushing it.