i won't be posting here anymore. it's been fun.

if this causes hardships for you, let me know somehow.

...still like the concept. though...evolutionary anthropology still really intrigues me. which brings me to the subject matter(the times my sub-lines align with the actual meaning of any given post is very random):

what are the various ways in which the male aesthetic of beauty has sculpted various landscapes, ranging from the body to the neighborhood and up? by this, i mean the actual construction of female beauty and it's consequences(though that seems to be a harsh word. i don't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. wait - yes i do. men are fucked up when it comes to aesthetics - especially for someone like me who is fucking amazing, but might not Look Good On Your Arm In Front Of All Of Your Friends. i digress). what do the contradictions of this aesthetic imply? where and why did they come about? how do they effect the institution of marriage and family? and how is it that they are so freaking overpowering that a man can have a choice between some not visually implicit value versus trophy/youth/sticks/breasts/britney/jessica/whateverhorriblestereotypefitsinhere and honestly feel that the latter is the more viable option? the key word there being "honestly" - because while some men are blatantly and outwardly stuck on the visual qualities of women, others would probably pronounce themselves more enlightened than that, despite all evidence to the contrary.

does it have to do with those primitive cues derrived from the days when women walked on all fours, thereby exposing their genetalia at all times to men, who could then see when they were fertile based on their knowledge of the various swellings and secretions that go on? is this some leftover remenant of male biology being tied to what they're seeing that has just gone awry? or maybe it's not gone awry - the youth thing is important here. cuz while that 35 year old man is still producing ten zillion sperm a second, he's unconciously searching for a young woman to fulfill that - even though the actuality is that NO woman can fulfill that. but what does the fascination with weight do to this? too thin and she can't have children. and while it's no secret among these evolutionary anth. circles that marriage really was a trick of the woman to get the man to stay, what do modern conceptions of family do to these hard-wired impulses?

and of course, who are the women who are patient enough to wait out all of the bullshit and still never settle for anything less than amazing? ;)

Saturday, November 25, 2006


the truth is - it isn't just one.



i

am not

far-sighted

(even short sighted)

i just know.



if you can't rest your head on my lap

my shoulder, my arm

and just let it be.



i do not choose fluff

absolutely and only what I feel.



i see you

i deny it

and i breathe...

you don't look real with that -

what is that look in your eye?

and isn't exhaustion the slightest of factors?



i don't think i want you

til i'm near you

and think of air.

because you are.

that's what i think.

...when I don't want it to be true.



sometimes your image

causes symposium

and I am left

without just one

last dying breath.

maybe i'll open that bottle of champagne.
things i learned today:

-i officially live in the Gayest Zipcode in Seattle. it's written in the books.

-people who whisper in class need to shut the fuck up. seriously. such a pet peeve of mine. do you really think we can't hear you? and i have no qualms asking you to be quiet if i am giving a presentation. trust me.

-i really don't like taking out the trash or the recycling in the winter. this is a problem. luckily, these days it seems that my trash is mostly coffee grounds, which actually gives the place a pleasant smell.

-an 18 pound turkey for 5 people is a bit much. even in all it's free-range, hormone-free, organic goodness.

-i really might want to exist on nothing but pho and indian food.

-i am so glad i'm not an accountant. and so glad that i don't have to work directly with accountants. and so glad that i'm not an accountant.

-i can think about the prospect of visual anthropology forever. i'm pretty excited about it.

-i need to go to the library. i cannot put it off much longer.

-i am a hopeless romantic in a realist's body. it's very conflictual.

-everything else is so conflictual that i can only write about it on paper, at which time it comes out in a huge flush of questions that verge on the frantic. and it makes me not really like these lists, because they don't really get to the heart of anything. in fact, i'm pretty sure that with few exceptions, my "current likes" lists are usually made when i'm really not liking a lot. and my "what i learned" lists are cover ups for a bunch of things as well. it's just that i don't feel whole if i don't write regularly. so there ya go.

-i really do wish i could sell tickets to the ride going on in my head at all points. timed tickets that would vary depending on what i feel the tolerance of the buyer is.

-kat is evil for leaving me with a bag of cookies today.

-jeff buckley is perfect.

oh, my mom. how i love her.

we were just talking about this and that, when she mentioned the "looming" anniversary of daniel's death next month. and this got us started about how to deal with it and what not. and i brought up that i feel very fortunate to have the spiritual beliefs that i do, as i think that they have made "living through" his death a far different experience from that of my mom and the rest of my family. to which she responsed, "but you said you're not spiritual."

i said, "no, mom. i'm probably one of the most spiritual people you know, i just don't believe in god. that's very different."

it really amazes me when people that close to me still don't get that you can be spiritual without believing in god at all. she then tried, of course, to make me see that believing in some kind of "force" is the equivalent of god. to which i just try and explain that i do not at all identify with the human-given definitions of "god." i see no need to comform what i believe into this term, because it just does not make sense to me at all. and that's ok! but viewing me as not spiritual because of this quirk in my beliefs is not ok at all.

so then i gave her the example of my take on motherhood, which yes, i know i've discussed here before. but the way i see it, i've been a mother in the past, and i will probably be one again. right now, however, the right choice for this journey that i'm on right now is to obstain from actually birthing a child, as i think that the population is entirely out of control. that's a belief that i personally cannot get around, despite my screaming biological clock and that longing to see "our child," that i know will only get worse once timing works out in my favor. i feel fortunate that i can adopt and i can enjoy hearing about the experiences of my friends who are mothers, and i can love and cherish their children, but in this life it is not spiritually sound for me to have a child, because i really would feel guilty. and anyone who knows me knows that i just don't make decisions that will lead to guilt. most of the time. :)

what happens with an unplanned pregnancy? well, that i cannot tell you.

but that's how *my* spirituality works. it's very broad and i try to keep in mind that it is not entirely tied to this body that i inhabit right now. it goes so far beyond that to themes of love and compassion and tolerance and constant revision of who i am and where i'm going that i don't feel empty just because i don't have a "god" to focus on. i feel quite complete most of the time, thank you. and when i don't, you can usually chalk it up to some psychosis that is rooted in the materiality of this time here, right now. i'm so glad that so many people find the guidance and faith that they need through expressions of god. that's great. but it is not right for me, and this is something i've thought through quite thouroughly.

time for pho.

a few things.

i feel it important to document here that i am in fact sick. not that this is in itself of much importance. i'm fairly certain it's a stupid bug i picked up at work, which is making me sleep ridiculous amounts, and also making my eyes swell pretty ridiculously. but, in the event that i do mysteriously die or something, i just wanted to say that the coronor should definitely check out the bug bite i have on my stomach - just a little bit above the top of my underwear. it's got me a little uncomfortable, if not freaked out, and while i'm watching for any tracers of poison heading heart-ward, or pus blisters, who actually knows how quickly this pesky bug can kill. i can only identify one injection point, which is nice, because that means it wasn't a spider. but...yeah...now you all know and can act appropriately.

yes.

oh, and i am really glad i've found cherry-pomegranate juice. my healer-man told me i should be drinking lots of pomegranate or blueberry juice, and while nothing will ever force me to drink a LOT of juice, as i don't believe in shocking my system with sugar, no matter how natural, it is nice to find such a delicious blend.


my healer-man...that's another story. but i'm glad i have one.

ok. back to bed.

i never felt alone until i met you...

look! it's a "this blog only" post! wowzers!

a little scene setting - i'm currently doing some major cleaning/laundrying whilest blasting third eye blind's second album. i have a weak spot for this band. these albums can almost perfectly recapture that angst so specific to 18-20 year olds. all those new emotions...yeah...good times.

fun weekend. it was all halloweeny. i dressed up, which is unusual. great costume if i do say so myself.

the point?

what's the point... i mean i could really just type over and over "why doesn't he want me?" because i think that sums it up. but then it might sound desperate. and i'm not quite desperate.

but i really don't get it. not at all. every once in a while i'll catch him staring at me. and sometimes it's just blank. but then there's times like friday night where i swear to god he knocked the wind out of me in one split second glance. i could never even explain that look that i saw in his eyes. it was a new one, and it has made me even more uncertain.

in all actuality, i conduct our relations as if he's not interested. because that's what he said and that's what i have to go by. and after a little typical me and him non-avoidant avoiding, we are getting on famously. conversation is flowing perhaps better than ever, and when there are silences, we're able to either just stick with them, or make a joke.

and maybe i really just latch on to what i can't have. i don't know.

but this brings us to the second point. i am so lonely right now. and SO ridiculously horny. it's that god damned fall-syndrome, and it is screaming its presence all over my body. i feel like certain muscles are going to shrivel up and die if they aren't subjected to some erotic play sometime soon. but...i'm just...not interested in random sex, something it's been pounded in my head that i should just get over. and there are guys around, really good ones, who i know i could fling it up with.

but i just fucking want him. and it could be the death of me, i swear.

and i have writing about it like this, because it does make it sound a lot worse than it is. but that's what focused writing does, i suppose.

ugh.

i guess i'm just really trying to "do things right" right now. not lead on people i'm not interested in. be true to myself. learn lessons. blah blah. but why does it seem like the more i progress on that path, a path i feel is spiritually fitting for me, i become more responsible towards ALWAYS doing the progress-friendly thing, whereas so many people around me can just plead ignorance and they then fall into things so much easier... and i just cannot bring myself to play the games that people are consistently insisting i HAVE to play if i ever want anything to work out. and while i see the point, and i agree to some extent, when it comes down to it i just can't fucking play games when it comes to this stuff. with any part of it. i can engage in slight manipulations, but they have really rigid limits, and i think i outgrew game theory before i was even born. a lie's a lie's a lie. and there's something in my head that just says "if he can't own up to it, then fuck him." i just can't actualize that emotionally.

what am i saying...who knows...

ugh. and i see how he is with girls. random girls we run into, girls he meets at party's...and it's such a statement to his issues...and i just want to say to him "ok, are you done yet? aren't you tired yet? can't you just figure out that i am in fact not only the best thing out there, but the best thing out there for you, and just take me on a god damned date?"

right :)

vanishing points have been a strange little undercurrent for the past week or two. they just keep coming up. and i don't mean metaphorically, because that would not be an interesting observation at all. i mean literal vanishing point, the words and the concept have appeared several times.

for example: a recent flyer for a show of some bands i like. lots of buildings in a simply. reminded me of actually learning about vanishing points in like second grade, and that we then had to draw buildings using them. and about how they don't necessarily have to be in the center of the paper.

wait, i'm not sure that last bit is something that was actually said, but it was a definite point when i was thinking about it the other night.

i digress.

vanishing points.

so tonight, i was supposed to go to a lecture in place of the class. i knew it was supposed to be something geographical. and cultural. by some one deserving to give a lecture in a hall - though i was very confused about which hall until i got there. i had to convince myself to go, i'll admit it. because i knew it'd probably be interesting and all, but it's kinda cold out and home just...has this ring to it.

but i went.

i got to the correct hall, correctly cold, and was handed a program that read:

Vanishing Points: Law, Violence and Exception in the Global War Prison

DEREK GREGORY
As one of the preeminent scholars in the areas of human and cultural geography, Derek Gregory has been widely influential across numerous fields in the humanities. Since 9/11 much of his work has focused on the long history of British and American involvement in the Middle East. In particular he traces how centuries of imperial and colonial practice continue to shape global imbalances on power and perception in the region. Gregory's lecture will examine how these imbalances of power are currently playing out in the "war on terror" with a focus on the imprisonment and interrogation practices used in the global war prison. His talk will explore the strategic geographical sites of the global war prison including Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, Bagram, and the so-called "black Sites," showing how they are produced through constantly shifting folds between law and violence.



i have to say, i was a little turned on by the whole experience. but that's not the point. luckily, though, there are many. points, that is. and i'm kind of excited about it.

my favorite new clever, quick catch phrase is terrorism: an infinitely extendable non-principle

i learned that critical inquiry is about sharing with eachother the things we don't want to know.

he talked about philosophy and history and law and politics all woven together to so intelligently discus very important issues, yes. but the movement came from just how frightening our world is right now. really and truly and factually and historically backed.

i can't really go into the lecture in detail, but i will say that it felt so good to be that interested again. my classes right now are not doing that to me at all. i mean, they're not uninformative. but having a good speaker makes so much difference.

and then i thought to myself, "jesus, could i be that composed and professional and downright fucking knowledgeable?" and then i had several very motivational, egocentric thoughts that i won't get into here either. but at the very least, at least it'd be a challenging experience every time.

oh, and i got a stellar book list. with titles like in the space of theory and the body in pain and lawless world and precarious life, especially knowing the topics they're dealing with???!? oh holy god, it's just too delicious for words.

don't worry, though, i'm going to keep trying.

oh, and i also learned that i'm really fucking glad i do not attend classes with typical undergrads. oh, these people. the lines "I lived in saudi arabia for 15 years, and I have had arabs throw bombs at me and my first best friend didn't like me for one whole year because I was not palestinian." and "yeah, so i'm a jewish-american and, um, i have the whole halocaust thing to deal with, and um, are you going to tell me that this is torture? " were actually said during the Q/A time.

but really, the point of my babbling has to do wiith vanishing ponts. vanishing points...just saying it allows you to kinda feel that perception of height and depth as the buildings grow up out of the city.

ok, that ended very stoner-ish-ly.

the vanishing point in the case of the lecture is where sovereign law meets modern law. or where the sovereign, atonomous body meets the body disciplined and surveiled. the vanishing point of the law is international law. the vanishing point of that is the law of war. the war on terror is the vanishing point of of the law of war...and so it goes.

so where sovereign law meets modern law, you have this concept of "bare life." which is life exposed to death. which can be seen through concentration camps. accordingly, modern politics are defined by bare life as the central object of political calculation, yet it is excluded from political deliberation. this is the equivalent of a global civil war.

yes.

vanishing points. they're everywhere.

but hey, nothing actually vanishes, yo. so it's fine, just fine.

oh, and? it's not just that the things that have been done at guantanamo and in other prisons shouldn't happen to them - they shouldn't happen to anyone. ever. not to mention funded and backed by entire governments.