so annoyed.

BOTH of my computers now are royally fucked. the one i like has been out of commission for a good 6 months now, and i'm sure that my frusteration level while dealing with it earlier made things worse. i just start deleting things when i get mad. and now this one hates me too. and it's all internet related. and i fucking hate it. especially because i should be READING right now. but i'm not. i'm fucking with my god damned computers. why is it that anyone i know who could fix this shit does not live here? hello, rant!

which brings me to my next point.

no, it doesn't at all. but i sure am mopey. and i have no actual reason to be. stupid season changing/dopamine/seratonin whatthefuckever bullshit.

i was musing at work today...(while on my break, of course)...

oh, breakrooms...your variance marked only by a lack of computers and the presence of a couch. and the newness of country music wafting in from the swimmer's mommy's office... no such occurance at that other empty place...

the sun is still out. it's strange, but true. no rain, no drear. yet my mind is unstable regardless. i had my clock all set for darkness and hybernation and the introspection that makes modest mouse and radiohead so deliciously delicate and personal, but my skin is still screaming for tank tops and sun. it's warmer now than it was in june. and the puget sound is dying...

my self image is finding some valleys to dive in to these days. fairly consistently. it's an awkward and foreign experience, and entirely unwelcome. i can't say it's all-consuming, but it is there, and i do not like it. even more obnoxious is the fact that i'm actually controling and changing the things that are bringing out this quasi-loathing, and my body just is not responding. even more fantastically, i'm in more pain right now than i have been in years, and it's constant and it's intense and it's exhausting. orbs of discomfort and throbbing are pooling in my feet and my hand and my shoulder. and the fact that it's being this persistant is quite depressing. a reprieve came today, but i have the sinking suspicion it's just because those synapses are getting used to being so muddled with cries of torture...they're tired out, not actually feeling better.

i don't mean it to sound that dire. it's not, really. i'm just all kinds of blah underneath. a rapid change from my other musings of late...

and finally...yes, it's still there. the whole confusion-over-my-instincts thing. the trust that i have in my instincts is something i can't really find anywhere else in my life, though i do delight in one or two relationships that are approaching that level of almost-absolute conviction of loyalty. and when i say instincts, i mean specifically how well i can read people upon their enterance to my life. in summary, i know exactly who is going to rock my soul, who to stay away from, etc... however, it's very difficult for me to reconcile the fact that his lips actually told me flat out that not only he does not want me, but that my instincts in their entirety were just a mesh of off-ness. i had my doubts about his ultimate giving in to whateverthefuckitwas, but i did not at all forsee this total waiving of any kind of mutual curiosity what-so-ever. i saw complexities and trials and 1000 zillion possible outcomes. but i did not see his reality as concrete as it apparently is.

don't get me wrong. rejection is not difficult because of the pain or embarassment or pride or longing that remains. the pain came in one massive wave, and was coddled by dear friends who let me just lie motionless for a day while they gave in and watched things like "sex and the city" to try and make it all better. after that, there were a few obligatory days of outburst of laughter, where i would just blurt out "he doesn't want me." and then i became quite indifferent. it's definitely not embarassment or pride, because i find both to be utterly useless and unnecessary. and it's not the longing, because i am in fact the queen of repression. it's simply this war that's surfacing evey now and then that is entirely composed of my inner-voices wondering not just how they could have been so far off, but realizing that i do have very powerful instincts, and that i have to continue to go with them, despite this inner betrayal i feel. it's a damned betrayal of the heart, and i am the only source of it. and while i won't do so, punishment could only be lashed at me in this case, because...well...i was just very very wrong.

there's still a lot of questions, yes.

and it is in fact fall.

and some day this ridiculous approach to self-loathing, no matter how minimal it might be, will subside.

i don't know...i suppose it's just a manic time of year. and i suppose i'll just keep being proactive about literally feeding my body well and staying active in hopes that my mind will clear and jump to life again soon. no one likes a funk. right? right. right!

current likes:
1.) the fact that i had pho TWICE today! once by myself, in the quiet morning. and once with lovelyjessi and sofunnykelly.
2.) tea cozies last night rocked my socks off.
3.) i got to see johnny for 2 seconds. that was nice. and david craig too.
4.) clear seattle city views at sunset...the skyline, a pink rainier, and the olympics with just a few sparse clouds...so beautiful...
5.) fake boyfriends
6.) a clean kitchen
7.) having lavendar oil in my house once again
8.) dreams returning to normal after months and months of being bad
9.) long talks with my mom in which i get NO nagging what so ever
10.) switching compulsively from a nickel creek song to an REM song to 2 john mayer songs in the car.